HAHAHA, for michelle, i wrote this on Blog Your Mom sometime toward the end of September junior year:
i just want freshman freddy. what the heck is his real name anyway? i don't know but he is so h0t. the way he runs his hand through his hair every 5 seconds and how he stands alone with his hand in his armpit. very very cute.
Saturday, September 04, 2004
this is the best day ever! i went to work and was informed that i wasnt supposed to be there. apparently ive been working saturdays when i wasnt supposed to. ha ha ha ha how dumbbb! so after talking a bit with norma and clare (i really like them so much) i gladly went back home!!!! woohoo!!! my first saturday off in FOREVER. and my old drawing teacher called this morning to invite us to this reception for his exhibit in escondido next saturday. soo now i can gooo! i didn't tell him on the phone today how much i admire him and copy him.
time to clean the house allll day long and then maybe hike with my mother.
time to clean the house allll day long and then maybe hike with my mother.
okay so i had my long intense cry while driving up the 15. a little dangerous, but cathartic nonetheless. wait, none the less doesn't exist as one word, does it?
my mother got me this shirt that makes me think of sadaf and laugh. it says "beach bum" on it and extending from the "h" is a picture of big huge ugly feet. i really like the shirt. i think it would drive sadaf crazy, though. actually, i'll get a pic of it up. and something for michelle.
ah stacy has two more days. how fast time flies. but the good thing is that that means we will see each other again soon. so it is both good and bad.
i'd have to say i sympathize with the Missing Piece. "Oh i'm lookin' for my missin' piece/ I'm lookin' for my missin' piece/ Hi-dee-ho, here I go,/ Lookin' for my missin' piece."
and one day the poor nice Missing Piece ran into a jerky little b word piece: "I am not your missing piece. I am nobody's piece. I am my own piece. And even if I was somebody's missing piece I don't think I'd be yours!" OUCH! the story of my life. little MP and me (!)
my mother got me this shirt that makes me think of sadaf and laugh. it says "beach bum" on it and extending from the "h" is a picture of big huge ugly feet. i really like the shirt. i think it would drive sadaf crazy, though. actually, i'll get a pic of it up. and something for michelle.
ah stacy has two more days. how fast time flies. but the good thing is that that means we will see each other again soon. so it is both good and bad.
i'd have to say i sympathize with the Missing Piece. "Oh i'm lookin' for my missin' piece/ I'm lookin' for my missin' piece/ Hi-dee-ho, here I go,/ Lookin' for my missin' piece."
and one day the poor nice Missing Piece ran into a jerky little b word piece: "I am not your missing piece. I am nobody's piece. I am my own piece. And even if I was somebody's missing piece I don't think I'd be yours!" OUCH! the story of my life. little MP and me (!)
RaG. what a word.
Basically, I need a new job. One where I don't have to think/worry/"work" outside of the hours that I'm actually getting paid. One where I don't have to worry about losing my job because God knows I've had enough of that. A person can only take so much.
Oh my friends. Isn't hard to make new friends? I'm sorry but I really dont have a lot of time or energy to do that. Plus, I don't know if I really want to because well, my life is pretty full. I'm not saying that I hate the idea of making friends...I like to meet people and learn new things. life would be pretty boring without new people in and out of our lives. But making friends is hard...so much harder now than it was back in elementary school. And I'm not just talking about fresh green/aquaintances because that's easy. you meet fresh greens everywhere: classes, work, library, study groups. I'm talking about the true blue variety. They are rare and hard to come by--there's a lot of hours put in and a lot of history and just, STUFF, in those relationships. Does anyone else think that it's just difficult starting from scratch and trying to build a true blue friendship with strangers? Especially when your real blues are a double click away? Doesn't it seem like maybe there's not a point? But maybe there is...
I think I sound like a jerk---like I shun [shOn]all people...but I think I'm just trying to figure out why I don't play well with all the other boys and girls.
Basically, I need a new job. One where I don't have to think/worry/"work" outside of the hours that I'm actually getting paid. One where I don't have to worry about losing my job because God knows I've had enough of that. A person can only take so much.
Oh my friends. Isn't hard to make new friends? I'm sorry but I really dont have a lot of time or energy to do that. Plus, I don't know if I really want to because well, my life is pretty full. I'm not saying that I hate the idea of making friends...I like to meet people and learn new things. life would be pretty boring without new people in and out of our lives. But making friends is hard...so much harder now than it was back in elementary school. And I'm not just talking about fresh green/aquaintances because that's easy. you meet fresh greens everywhere: classes, work, library, study groups. I'm talking about the true blue variety. They are rare and hard to come by--there's a lot of hours put in and a lot of history and just, STUFF, in those relationships. Does anyone else think that it's just difficult starting from scratch and trying to build a true blue friendship with strangers? Especially when your real blues are a double click away? Doesn't it seem like maybe there's not a point? But maybe there is...
I think I sound like a jerk---like I shun [shOn]
im so confused. i made a profile except that it wont list this blog under "my blogs"--it will only list BLoG YoUr MOm :( And blogger is saying we're posting at these really strange times and wont let regular people post comments which sucks. Sorry for the technical difficulties...we'll get on those pronto!!
Friday, September 03, 2004
<> arr. all day long i felt like crying. i dont want to work anymore. im too tired and my arm hurts from shelving and carrying books. i hate shelving books because it never looks any different. the second i clear off the shelves more books come in from the front or the back or some random cart and suddenly everything is overflowing again. its an endless and vicious cycle and im caught in the middle of all of it and some people arent even decent enough to help. i still like working for the library and i like several aspects of the job but i am tired i am burned out and i just want a break before i go to school. but i dont get one. < / complaint >
[i realize that everyone else has an even harder schedule than me since they have both work and school, but since theres no way im going to stop whining, i simply encourage everyone else to join the complaining]
how do you make someone stop liking you? act like a lazy butthole and keep talking all day long about how great you are. shameless, and admiting you have an ego problem (but not doing anything about it) doesn't make you any better. oh wasted dreams; faulty wishes torn at the seams. no one is the way they seem, (as we've seen). but we'll all float on, all right
I WANT TO SCREAM THE F WORD REALLY LOUD. i can't even see my friends. the only times i've hung out with sadaf this summer, i fell asleep and drooled on her pretty pink pillow and then somehow drove home in a sleepy daze and slapped myself to keep from falling asleep at the wheel. this isn't how i want to remember summer. i want to hang out with my friends ! instead, i spend hours and hours with my coworkers. SONYA YOU ARE SO SPOILED. i have to help my parents out i have to make this money only two weeks left i can finish this up. work is normal. it wouldn't be normal to spend every day at torrey pines. that isn't supposed to happen to people. so SHUT UP and enjoy your two days off as much as you can.
yesterday i felt really guilty. i was waiting to leave the library and talking to paul, this volunteer who shelves the videos and i muttered "hurrrry up everyone, i need to go surfing!" and he did the smallest most subtle little grimace... like an eye-roll, face twitch sort of thing. and i said, are you okay? and he said, im tired. and i said, go to sleep when you get home. and he's like, i have a lot more work to do. i felt so bad. he works all day as a mailman and then he volunteers at the library and i guess after that he has even MORE work to do. i just felt like such a jerk. damn.
i feel so empty. lately ive been spending five minute intervals just staring at the wall or ceiling. when i run i dont think of anything and when i shelve i dont think of anything. when i drive home i dont think of anything. ive just become this shelving driving machine.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh i need a realllllly good intense cry
[i realize that everyone else has an even harder schedule than me since they have both work and school, but since theres no way im going to stop whining, i simply encourage everyone else to join the complaining]
how do you make someone stop liking you? act like a lazy butthole and keep talking all day long about how great you are. shameless, and admiting you have an ego problem (but not doing anything about it) doesn't make you any better. oh wasted dreams; faulty wishes torn at the seams. no one is the way they seem, (as we've seen). but we'll all float on, all right
I WANT TO SCREAM THE F WORD REALLY LOUD. i can't even see my friends. the only times i've hung out with sadaf this summer, i fell asleep and drooled on her pretty pink pillow and then somehow drove home in a sleepy daze and slapped myself to keep from falling asleep at the wheel. this isn't how i want to remember summer. i want to hang out with my friends ! instead, i spend hours and hours with my coworkers. SONYA YOU ARE SO SPOILED. i have to help my parents out i have to make this money only two weeks left i can finish this up. work is normal. it wouldn't be normal to spend every day at torrey pines. that isn't supposed to happen to people. so SHUT UP and enjoy your two days off as much as you can.
yesterday i felt really guilty. i was waiting to leave the library and talking to paul, this volunteer who shelves the videos and i muttered "hurrrry up everyone, i need to go surfing!" and he did the smallest most subtle little grimace... like an eye-roll, face twitch sort of thing. and i said, are you okay? and he said, im tired. and i said, go to sleep when you get home. and he's like, i have a lot more work to do. i felt so bad. he works all day as a mailman and then he volunteers at the library and i guess after that he has even MORE work to do. i just felt like such a jerk. damn.
i feel so empty. lately ive been spending five minute intervals just staring at the wall or ceiling. when i run i dont think of anything and when i shelve i dont think of anything. when i drive home i dont think of anything. ive just become this shelving driving machine.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh i need a realllllly good intense cry
i am so foolish. i went swimming without goggles again, and now i’m as pitiful as i was last quarter when i had to wear a pirate eye patch at Steven & Bryan’s. ahh the chlorine is killing me!
on another random note, i really like the “Steadman” CD. it’s kind of dark but still has really good rhythms and chord progressions.
michelle branch piano book is in my possession! thank you to my mother, who is trying to bribe me to sing for her.
artists that kept me company on the road: alicia keys, michelle branch, steadman, lea salonga, stacie orrico, hilary duff (i give her a chance)
things left to do in 3 days:
- take physics final
- eat at Corvette Dinner for Hannah's birthday
- pack (um, i'm underestimating this feat)
- go to gym one last time
- finish Sophomore College paper (i am 6/7 done!)
- read "Da Vinci Code: Fact or Fiction?"
- go to church one last time
- debate a new minor (psychology, linguistics, cultural studies?)
- give last piano lessons
- cash checks earned from piano lessons
- meet Leona for lunch
- Bahia Belle cruise with parents
- create a budget for next year
- enjoy Coronado/time spent with the FB (I just realized that’s BF backwards.)
- buy goggles.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
aw man. something new, but all the comments are gone and the tag board needs to be put up... i have to fix the bullets for the links... and if you dont like it feel free to change it.
The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in? In your head, in your mouth, in your soul. The more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind. Well I don't mind. I don't mind. How the hell could I mind?
this is so intense try to watch the entire thing. so funny and intense.
and now for a happy post.
aww I lover Zach Braff!! This is what he wrote about San Diego on July 15:
Saint Diego
Ah beautiful Diego. Whoever he was I'll bet he was really sunny and hung out with skinny blonde surfer chicks. This place is paradise. I think the entire country should just pick up and move here. It might be a little crowded, but it’s so perfect here that maybe it would chill everyone out and we could all learn to surf and deal with the population problem by taking turns sleeping and not getting freaked out if a stranger needed to sit on your lap at dinner.
does anyone else get happy when other people visit san diego and love it??
moving right along to another lover: Hugh Grant...I was practically dying while watching Notting Hill. I had seen random scenes before but never the whole thing and man, Hugh Grant is lover loverson x infinity. And don't clothes just fit so well on him?? I pictued Seldon as Hugh Grant (or at least his boday) in house of mirth.
I have to correct my spanish homework online? but I dont know where to find the answers because I was 10 minutes late and she erased the information already. the girl sitting next to me said that I didn't need the information to do the homework but now I think she was lying.
aww I lover Zach Braff!! This is what he wrote about San Diego on July 15:
Saint Diego
Ah beautiful Diego. Whoever he was I'll bet he was really sunny and hung out with skinny blonde surfer chicks. This place is paradise. I think the entire country should just pick up and move here. It might be a little crowded, but it’s so perfect here that maybe it would chill everyone out and we could all learn to surf and deal with the population problem by taking turns sleeping and not getting freaked out if a stranger needed to sit on your lap at dinner.
does anyone else get happy when other people visit san diego and love it??
moving right along to another lover: Hugh Grant...I was practically dying while watching Notting Hill. I had seen random scenes before but never the whole thing and man, Hugh Grant is lover loverson x infinity. And don't clothes just fit so well on him?? I pictued Seldon as Hugh Grant (or at least his boday) in house of mirth.
I have to correct my spanish homework online? but I dont know where to find the answers because I was 10 minutes late and she erased the information already. the girl sitting next to me said that I didn't need the information to do the homework but now I think she was lying.
at approx. 4:30 this morning I was rudely woken up by a bunch of bastard children breaking into my sister's car.
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
every morning its that much harder for me to wake up. today and tomorrow i dont have work so i think "yay day off" except i really have school. but i slept right through my alarm so i was super rushing to get to school on time (but i had to drive my brother to school). I was so out of it today that I actually fell down my stairs. well like, the last three steps. but all that means is that I landed on the tiles. I don't even know what I was thinking but I put my backpack on the landing and like turned to walk down the last 3 steps, but my brain didnt process everything or something because the next thing I know my feet arent touching anything but air and the ground is rushing up to meet my face. the funniest part was that right in that second my brother came from upstairs and saw me just lying there (i felt like I cracked my right kneecap into about a million pieces) and he was just like "what are you doing??" and I had to crawl to the carpet.
theres a sign posted on black mtn. road right in front of miramar that says: Drop Tuition, not Bombs. I got a kick out of that.
I really like my russian (quit rushin me) accounting teacher. hes really funny--i want sonya to meet him.
yay sadie's gonna get a job at b of a!! :) I hope you get it!
I sorta think its strange how asb weaves this tangled web of um, aquaintances. And in the heart of hearts is Ms. A...stacy said it has "powers" and I might believe in that except that the thought also freaks me out. Big Kahuna. I don't even know why I'm bringing this up; it's something that I don't like to talk about because now it doesnt mean anything. But I'm always amazed to see just how much I've actually taken with me from that whole experience--doesn't it feel just like a whole other lifetime? and I have great memories back when it was good and everyone knew about the "old people" that were super amazing. we were like slaves to the school but I had fun for the most part and I met some really inspirational people so I can't complain (even when I see that punk so thought he was better than me. please, I could squash him with my pinky. And don't pretend like we're all buddy-buddy now!) After all, it did give me the frosh babies.
I find it soo strange that it brought us all together---doesn't it creep anyone else out?? come on, it cant just be me. anyway, stace...hes not a crotch-grabber...and definititely not like breathe-down-your-neck seth.
I rented English Patient, Notting Hill and this national geographic movie from the library but I havent had time to watch them :(
theres a sign posted on black mtn. road right in front of miramar that says: Drop Tuition, not Bombs. I got a kick out of that.
I really like my russian (quit rushin me) accounting teacher. hes really funny--i want sonya to meet him.
yay sadie's gonna get a job at b of a!! :) I hope you get it!
I sorta think its strange how asb weaves this tangled web of um, aquaintances. And in the heart of hearts is Ms. A...stacy said it has "powers" and I might believe in that except that the thought also freaks me out. Big Kahuna. I don't even know why I'm bringing this up; it's something that I don't like to talk about because now it doesnt mean anything. But I'm always amazed to see just how much I've actually taken with me from that whole experience--doesn't it feel just like a whole other lifetime? and I have great memories back when it was good and everyone knew about the "old people" that were super amazing. we were like slaves to the school but I had fun for the most part and I met some really inspirational people so I can't complain (even when I see that punk so thought he was better than me. please, I could squash him with my pinky. And don't pretend like we're all buddy-buddy now!) After all, it did give me the frosh babies.
I find it soo strange that it brought us all together---doesn't it creep anyone else out?? come on, it cant just be me. anyway, stace...hes not a crotch-grabber...and definititely not like breathe-down-your-neck seth.
I rented English Patient, Notting Hill and this national geographic movie from the library but I havent had time to watch them :(
i am great. or maybe she was just easy. . . no, i am that great.
i am a wonderfully sensitive and kind person. out of all my friends, i pick me.
they all pick me.
and you---
have self esteem issues.
kind of a crappy day at work. got in trouble for talking. twice. after just a few hours started feeling shooting pains all down my left arm. could hardly lift cell phone to face. (think this is because of lifting books rather than cell phone, though). then i got to help a patron who just happens to be a big huge bitch. and the idiots would not leave the library... how many times do we really have to say 'the library is now closed' before you get it??
okay. okay. okay i know im being very mean.
im just tired and my arm hurts. oh well. ill stop and just hope tomorrow is better. =D
i am a wonderfully sensitive and kind person. out of all my friends, i pick me.
they all pick me.
and you---
have self esteem issues.
kind of a crappy day at work. got in trouble for talking. twice. after just a few hours started feeling shooting pains all down my left arm. could hardly lift cell phone to face. (think this is because of lifting books rather than cell phone, though). then i got to help a patron who just happens to be a big huge bitch. and the idiots would not leave the library... how many times do we really have to say 'the library is now closed' before you get it??
okay. okay. okay i know im being very mean.
im just tired and my arm hurts. oh well. ill stop and just hope tomorrow is better. =D
stacy's blog remix:
All the king’s horses
And all the king’s men
Couldn’t put our two hearts
Together again
- song by Joss Stone
words i think are funny: crotch-grabber, hoity toity, ookla.
today i woke up with the smell of chlorine on my skin. after garden state and sewing machine labor, i went to 24 hour fitness with josh and we camped out there among the weights and swimming pool until around 1am. i'm addicted to pool now, and i am hesitant to surrender my membership! but we save some money, and it's not like my parents go to the gym unless i walk behind them and push them.
i am going to borrow sadie's format and continue:
All the king’s horses
And all the king’s men
Couldn’t put our two hearts
Together again
- song by Joss Stone
words i think are funny: crotch-grabber, hoity toity, ookla.
today i woke up with the smell of chlorine on my skin. after garden state and sewing machine labor, i went to 24 hour fitness with josh and we camped out there among the weights and swimming pool until around 1am. i'm addicted to pool now, and i am hesitant to surrender my membership! but we save some money, and it's not like my parents go to the gym unless i walk behind them and push them.
i am going to borrow sadie's format and continue:
- summer school (still): where leona (graduated from RB a yr before us) noticed i doodle flowers and suns and the words "Hawaii" and "summer" in lecture every 2 minutes
- utilized b-day coupon for free taco + drink at Fin's Eatery (founded by 3 guys who graduated from MCHS)
- hair cut: i don't like it so much when the lady who cuts my hair talks to me like we're friends and then after the hair cut, smiles all big and still charges me $18
- locked out of car at Barnes & Noble
- paced around Barnes & Noble for 3 hours (read both Sean Hannity's "Let Freedom Ring: Winning the War of Liberty over Liberalism" and John Kerry/John Edwards' "Our Plan For America")
- came home
- went running (downhill) with Marissa and her friend A.J.
i can't wait for coronado! or 'the block'? or sex in the city? well not sex. um.
hello, frosh kids. ah. i just got a big headache from reading/catching up w/all the blogs for just the past 4-5 days. gosh, my eyes are even aching. i wish i had time to sit and chat about everything that has happened to me in the past few days but i have to (OF FREAKING COURSE!) go to work right now. ahh! lets see if i can quickly summarize, though.
saturday: cousin Omar's 18th birthday party
- bunch of younger guys asked me to dance and were flirting w/me [GROSSSS!!]
- i saw marad
- and i still love him, he's beautiful
- but, i don't know if i really like him alll that much b/c he's slightly still in that immature
phase. whatever
sunday: back to school shopping
- cool clothes
- got pissed at erin, assist. man. @ bombay
- went to christina's house for this family/religious thing
monday: probably work
tuesday: school, ran into Omar on campus where he laughs @ me for thinking marad is cute
today: interview for B of A in downtown, exchanged a clock @ fashion valley, and now i'm
work
i guess i did cover everything. but, there were some obvious details not mentioned.
oh, and sonya, i really love your idea about an art school. i want to own a small cafe. and michelle... what was the whole "we should get drunk and get laid" thing?
saturday: cousin Omar's 18th birthday party
- bunch of younger guys asked me to dance and were flirting w/me [GROSSSS!!]
- i saw marad
- and i still love him, he's beautiful
- but, i don't know if i really like him alll that much b/c he's slightly still in that immature
phase. whatever
sunday: back to school shopping
- cool clothes
- got pissed at erin, assist. man. @ bombay
- went to christina's house for this family/religious thing
monday: probably work
tuesday: school, ran into Omar on campus where he laughs @ me for thinking marad is cute
today: interview for B of A in downtown, exchanged a clock @ fashion valley, and now i'm
work
i guess i did cover everything. but, there were some obvious details not mentioned.
oh, and sonya, i really love your idea about an art school. i want to own a small cafe. and michelle... what was the whole "we should get drunk and get laid" thing?
Today was a strange and interesting and very long day off, as all days off really should be. After waking up, eating a piece of balogna on white bread (disgusting I know), and stopping by the bank, I met monica at IKEA. Why does it always only take me like 15 minutes to get to mission/fashion valley? It is because the 163 is a beautiful freeway, almost like the 56. But Anyway, we meet and stroll through IKEA and eat chocolate cake and apple pie at around 11. I pick up: two 5x7 frames, a backpack, and that wooden man on a metal stick whose limbs you can move (he’s meant for drawing exercises). Next we go to Mission Valley because I figure that since ive been blowing money like crazy, I should just keep going until there is nothing left in my account. Why can’t earning be as easy as spending? Seriously. In the past week, I’ve purchased: a way overpriced bracelet/wristband, way overpriced jeans, gas for my coche (im using regular now and I am proud), those three things at IKEA, two cropped pants (the exact same ones but in different colors… yes I’m ashamed), a camisole, three polos, a bag (that I love), and two pairs of shorts (one pair doesn’t fit but it was 3.99 so I couldn’t let them go). So all of that is a testament of how truly disgusting ive become, but in defense of myself: this is “back to school shopping” and I’ve definitely spent all summer working so I deservvvveee it.
Then I visited Michelle on her lunchbreak in Carmel Mtn. We went to Trader Joes where this really creepy employee greeted us with a creepy piercing gaze. We didn’t want to go to his checkout stand thing to purchase our soft chocolate ice creams balls so we loitered until another register opened up. But as soon as I went up to the register and put the ice cream down this old lady with a neckbrace totally cut me off and put all her groceries ahead of our ice cream. Michelle and I started laughing soo hard and had to leave and I shunned the lady but Michelle said I should cut her some slack because she only has like 1% of her peripheral vision or something. I didn’t want to waste the ice cream so I ate three big balls. Nasty, huh ?
By the time I got home I wanted nothing more than to go surfing but ALAS! I had switched cars with mother and so she had the surf rack. Blast. So I begged my dad to let me take his car and of course he said no because he loves his car more than he loves his family. The board fit soo perfectly too. But THEN! He checked the tide and it was verrry low so he gave in and said he would go with me. SO while he walked to flat rock I “surfed” around tower 6.
I was pretty much the only girl in the water except for this old lady who thought she was young. This guy said “hows it going" to me but I kind of ignored him and paddled away because you never really know who these people are… but then like… when you’re out on the water and there are no waves, you keep making awkward eye contact with the people around you. So finally he was like “how long have you been surfing?” and I told him and he said, “can I give you some tips?” and I said “it depends… how long have youuu been surfing?”. But he looked like he knew what he was doing and I gladly took his advice. [for my record, advice= sit sideways or facing oncoming waves, paddles as soon as see wave and don’t look back, paddle with arms as close to board as possible, bend knees more]. He wasn’t creepy though; he was really nice. He is a 5th year at UCSD but he’s from westwood (strange) and he had to go after a little while because he is an RA and borrowed the van and had to return it. SO that was Random.
And as soon as that guy (Paul?) left, this other guy shows up… except he looks like he is about Fourteen years old. We keep making awkward eye contact because we’re like the only people in the water aaand the waves kept pushing him toward me aand I was trying to figure out if he was good or not and if he was really like fourteen or whatever. So then after I wiped out he said something to me but it was kind of unintelligible.. I think he said “big waves” or something but I just ignored that and said “hey, where’d you get your board?” (he has the same kind as mine, except his was way shorter) and he just looked at me blankly, like “I don’t know”. And I said, “ you don’t know where you got your board???” and he said “it’s a friend of a friend of a friends”. And then I noticed he had this interesting accent. And that his face was very very beautiful, like the face of someone you don’t know but you just see somewhere. Probably the Face of the boy Aschenbach fell in love with in Death in Venice. So anyway I ask him where hes from and he’s from FRANCE! He has “summer job” being a bike-taxi-driver downtown. HeeHeeHee. And unless he lied to me, he is actually nineteen, which was very surprising. His name is something like Raphael or something else with an R (but not Raul) and he is visiting his cousin for the summer or for six months; I didn’t really understand anything he was saying. So we talked for a while about france and summer and surfing and then I saw my dad on the shore in his bright yellow shirt, waving at me. So I said “my dad is here I have to go now” and he said “I will see you next time”, which I found kind of Funny because I really doubt I will ever see him again. But he was a very beautiful tanned boy with pretty eyes. He was almost like… too pretty. And he may be older than me but I kept thinking he was young and innocent, like the Little Prince or something. But that’s just me being weird, haha. So anyway I got out and went home and that was my fun adventure.
Later I went and saw Garden State. I had no idea Zach Braff did the writing and directing. It’s the kind of movie that I wish I wrote. Aand I really wish I were Natalie Portman, or at least her character, Sam. It was just a very good film.
Afterwards I went running at Westview. I guess my parents were worried something would happen because my dad came and walked around the track while I ran. Unfortunately we got locked in and I had to jump a huge fence and walk the perimeter of the school, looking for a person to help (because my dad was not about to jump the fence). I found some janitors and they told me that it wasn’t really locked; there was actually one door that you cold open by pulling on this thing blah blah blah. I jumped over the fence for no reason. And then I went to VONS and bought lots of things for ten dollars.
So tomorrow I’m working at UC and I feel like I haven’t been there in a long long time. I am excited to see everyone. Really, everyone. Ha ha.
I want to meet more interesting people. They make life more fun =]
Then I visited Michelle on her lunchbreak in Carmel Mtn. We went to Trader Joes where this really creepy employee greeted us with a creepy piercing gaze. We didn’t want to go to his checkout stand thing to purchase our soft chocolate ice creams balls so we loitered until another register opened up. But as soon as I went up to the register and put the ice cream down this old lady with a neckbrace totally cut me off and put all her groceries ahead of our ice cream. Michelle and I started laughing soo hard and had to leave and I shunned the lady but Michelle said I should cut her some slack because she only has like 1% of her peripheral vision or something. I didn’t want to waste the ice cream so I ate three big balls. Nasty, huh ?
By the time I got home I wanted nothing more than to go surfing but ALAS! I had switched cars with mother and so she had the surf rack. Blast. So I begged my dad to let me take his car and of course he said no because he loves his car more than he loves his family. The board fit soo perfectly too. But THEN! He checked the tide and it was verrry low so he gave in and said he would go with me. SO while he walked to flat rock I “surfed” around tower 6.
I was pretty much the only girl in the water except for this old lady who thought she was young. This guy said “hows it going" to me but I kind of ignored him and paddled away because you never really know who these people are… but then like… when you’re out on the water and there are no waves, you keep making awkward eye contact with the people around you. So finally he was like “how long have you been surfing?” and I told him and he said, “can I give you some tips?” and I said “it depends… how long have youuu been surfing?”. But he looked like he knew what he was doing and I gladly took his advice. [for my record, advice= sit sideways or facing oncoming waves, paddles as soon as see wave and don’t look back, paddle with arms as close to board as possible, bend knees more]. He wasn’t creepy though; he was really nice. He is a 5th year at UCSD but he’s from westwood (strange) and he had to go after a little while because he is an RA and borrowed the van and had to return it. SO that was Random.
And as soon as that guy (Paul?) left, this other guy shows up… except he looks like he is about Fourteen years old. We keep making awkward eye contact because we’re like the only people in the water aaand the waves kept pushing him toward me aand I was trying to figure out if he was good or not and if he was really like fourteen or whatever. So then after I wiped out he said something to me but it was kind of unintelligible.. I think he said “big waves” or something but I just ignored that and said “hey, where’d you get your board?” (he has the same kind as mine, except his was way shorter) and he just looked at me blankly, like “I don’t know”. And I said, “ you don’t know where you got your board???” and he said “it’s a friend of a friend of a friends”. And then I noticed he had this interesting accent. And that his face was very very beautiful, like the face of someone you don’t know but you just see somewhere. Probably the Face of the boy Aschenbach fell in love with in Death in Venice. So anyway I ask him where hes from and he’s from FRANCE! He has “summer job” being a bike-taxi-driver downtown. HeeHeeHee. And unless he lied to me, he is actually nineteen, which was very surprising. His name is something like Raphael or something else with an R (but not Raul) and he is visiting his cousin for the summer or for six months; I didn’t really understand anything he was saying. So we talked for a while about france and summer and surfing and then I saw my dad on the shore in his bright yellow shirt, waving at me. So I said “my dad is here I have to go now” and he said “I will see you next time”, which I found kind of Funny because I really doubt I will ever see him again. But he was a very beautiful tanned boy with pretty eyes. He was almost like… too pretty. And he may be older than me but I kept thinking he was young and innocent, like the Little Prince or something. But that’s just me being weird, haha. So anyway I got out and went home and that was my fun adventure.
Later I went and saw Garden State. I had no idea Zach Braff did the writing and directing. It’s the kind of movie that I wish I wrote. Aand I really wish I were Natalie Portman, or at least her character, Sam. It was just a very good film.
Afterwards I went running at Westview. I guess my parents were worried something would happen because my dad came and walked around the track while I ran. Unfortunately we got locked in and I had to jump a huge fence and walk the perimeter of the school, looking for a person to help (because my dad was not about to jump the fence). I found some janitors and they told me that it wasn’t really locked; there was actually one door that you cold open by pulling on this thing blah blah blah. I jumped over the fence for no reason. And then I went to VONS and bought lots of things for ten dollars.
So tomorrow I’m working at UC and I feel like I haven’t been there in a long long time. I am excited to see everyone. Really, everyone. Ha ha.
I want to meet more interesting people. They make life more fun =]
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
sonya--i like your picture... i think you need to draw more:)
the thing that i didn't do this summer that i'm sorta upset about is that i never got to read a book just to read it. and now i have to read all these books that i dont care about. yaaaaaaay accounting.
so im alive after dying about 5 billion times in the last 2 weeks. i know that doesnt make any sort of sense but it does to me and thats all that matters. at school got in 1 of the 2 classes i was trying to crash. that wouldn't be so bad except now i have to go to school twice in one day instead of just once:( miramar is just so strange because there's SOOOO many people from mchs. i'm not used to that at all because at state i dont see anyone from mchs and the first day i go to miramar im not even out of my car before i see people. ahhhh hide me. OMG. FRESHMAN FREDDY is in my political sci class at miramar!!!!! just try to THINK about that for a second. that's how strange it all is.
the thing that sorta bothers me about going to cc is the teachers/rules because its all set up like high school. and the teachers look/treat you like you cant think for yourself---or worse, like they're God's gift to your college experience...but they all swear you are "big boys and girls now." who SAYS that?! i know that makes me sound conceited but please, I KNOW I'm an idiot. trust me, i know it. i do. but please dont make me sit there and listen to your stories about how great your class is compared to how it was "back in the day." And please, please, don't start a running list of philosophers, writers, kings etc. to show how smart you are compared to the rest of us... because then when you make the mistake of actually trying to pass completely false as truth, you will look like the biggest moron in the world when someone calls you out. but maybe they'll be nice and wont embarrass you in front of the class. but write you a nice little email setting you straight. just maybe. ya punk.
spanish will be the most interesting, i think. I can't remember hardly ANYTHING but my spanish teacher is this tiny tiny lady from columbia--I think she's nice. But we'll see...my luck with spanish teachers isn't very good. they actually all end up hating me.
my schedule:
monday: school 8-10, work 11-3, school 4-6
tuesday: work 8-5, school 630-930
wednesday: school 8-10, school 4-930
thursday: school 8-9
friday: school 8-10, work 11-4
saturday: work12-5
why do you have to call me and make everything all better and nice?
cant you just be a jerk like everyone else and their mom?
if you did, it would really help because this can all end now.
and do you really have to bring her along with you everywhere?
fine.
yes, shes a good person.
no, you arent trapped in a relationship.
yes, you actually like her.
yes, she actually likes you back.
yes, youve been together forever.
no, im not a homewrecker.
um, i dont know yet if i like her...but i dont dislike her either.
i dont know if that means anything yet.
but could you please just do me a super duper favor?
the thing that im asking, just this tiny thing really, is:
could you please stop flaunting your perfectly comfortable, subtle, caring/loving relationship it in my face?
yes, i know you aren't so pda so maybe "flaunting" isnt the best word---but it could just be that its worse because its not all "out there" for the world to see.
anyway, do you think you could just do me that one thing?
I know it's sorta a strange request but, well, the thing is, it makes me sad.
and isnt that just the most horrible thing to say?
im sorry i take it back, forget i ever said anything in the first place.
what a horrible thing to say!
and you dont owe me anything!
and its not like its bad or wrong to be in a perfectly comfortable, subtle, caring/loving relationship.
if anything, it should be celebrated.
but not in a sick way.
just please forget i ever existed.
i know that wont be hard.
okay wait.
before you forget that i ever existed, can you just answer me this one question?
a simple yes or no will do.
no need for explanation...
but are you honestly happy?
please just answer...
for my sake.
are you happy?
yes, honestly.
of course you are.
I'm glad for you.
goodbye dear friend.
have a wonderful life.
the thing that i didn't do this summer that i'm sorta upset about is that i never got to read a book just to read it. and now i have to read all these books that i dont care about. yaaaaaaay accounting.
so im alive after dying about 5 billion times in the last 2 weeks. i know that doesnt make any sort of sense but it does to me and thats all that matters. at school got in 1 of the 2 classes i was trying to crash. that wouldn't be so bad except now i have to go to school twice in one day instead of just once:( miramar is just so strange because there's SOOOO many people from mchs. i'm not used to that at all because at state i dont see anyone from mchs and the first day i go to miramar im not even out of my car before i see people. ahhhh hide me. OMG. FRESHMAN FREDDY is in my political sci class at miramar!!!!! just try to THINK about that for a second. that's how strange it all is.
the thing that sorta bothers me about going to cc is the teachers/rules because its all set up like high school. and the teachers look/treat you like you cant think for yourself---or worse, like they're God's gift to your college experience...but they all swear you are "big boys and girls now." who SAYS that?! i know that makes me sound conceited but please, I KNOW I'm an idiot. trust me, i know it. i do. but please dont make me sit there and listen to your stories about how great your class is compared to how it was "back in the day." And please, please, don't start a running list of philosophers, writers, kings etc. to show how smart you are compared to the rest of us... because then when you make the mistake of actually trying to pass completely false as truth, you will look like the biggest moron in the world when someone calls you out. but maybe they'll be nice and wont embarrass you in front of the class. but write you a nice little email setting you straight. just maybe. ya punk.
spanish will be the most interesting, i think. I can't remember hardly ANYTHING but my spanish teacher is this tiny tiny lady from columbia--I think she's nice. But we'll see...my luck with spanish teachers isn't very good. they actually all end up hating me.
my schedule:
monday: school 8-10, work 11-3, school 4-6
tuesday: work 8-5, school 630-930
wednesday: school 8-10, school 4-930
thursday: school 8-9
friday: school 8-10, work 11-4
saturday: work12-5
why do you have to call me and make everything all better and nice?
cant you just be a jerk like everyone else and their mom?
if you did, it would really help because this can all end now.
and do you really have to bring her along with you everywhere?
fine.
yes, shes a good person.
no, you arent trapped in a relationship.
yes, you actually like her.
yes, she actually likes you back.
yes, youve been together forever.
no, im not a homewrecker.
um, i dont know yet if i like her...but i dont dislike her either.
i dont know if that means anything yet.
but could you please just do me a super duper favor?
the thing that im asking, just this tiny thing really, is:
could you please stop flaunting your perfectly comfortable, subtle, caring/loving relationship it in my face?
yes, i know you aren't so pda so maybe "flaunting" isnt the best word---but it could just be that its worse because its not all "out there" for the world to see.
anyway, do you think you could just do me that one thing?
I know it's sorta a strange request but, well, the thing is, it makes me sad.
and isnt that just the most horrible thing to say?
im sorry i take it back, forget i ever said anything in the first place.
what a horrible thing to say!
and you dont owe me anything!
and its not like its bad or wrong to be in a perfectly comfortable, subtle, caring/loving relationship.
if anything, it should be celebrated.
but not in a sick way.
just please forget i ever existed.
i know that wont be hard.
okay wait.
before you forget that i ever existed, can you just answer me this one question?
a simple yes or no will do.
no need for explanation...
but are you honestly happy?
please just answer...
for my sake.
are you happy?
yes, honestly.
of course you are.
I'm glad for you.
goodbye dear friend.
have a wonderful life.
today was boring. worked until 5 and then fell asleep from 6 to 10. im working on this puff the magic dragon illustration. it looks good, even though it's just copied from a songbook. drawing/shading is really fun and relaxing. so is reading short stories. today at the library i saw many people studying and i felt jealous. i really want to learn again. i cant wait till i get to read and study and become smarter. what fun.
right now i have checked out: nine stories, jude the obscure, joseph and his brothers, woman hollering creek, americana, the missing piece, once i was, dark side of the moon, my life as a dog, the graduate, yellow submarine, raffy, the little prince, west side story, spiderman, and the graduate. i should probably return some of that soon.
i hope everyone had a good day at school. tomorrow is my day off. i'm going dorm room shopping with my roomie and maybe clothes shopping, if im in the mood to blow money faster than i make it. but i deserve to, dammit. ive been working kind of a lot. and then at night im watching garden state. im sooo excited!! natalie portman is definitely my girlfriend and zach braff is cool, too.
i like my room. i like the weather. i like work (kind of). i am excited for school. i am feeling rather positive.
goodnight!!
right now i have checked out: nine stories, jude the obscure, joseph and his brothers, woman hollering creek, americana, the missing piece, once i was, dark side of the moon, my life as a dog, the graduate, yellow submarine, raffy, the little prince, west side story, spiderman, and the graduate. i should probably return some of that soon.
i hope everyone had a good day at school. tomorrow is my day off. i'm going dorm room shopping with my roomie and maybe clothes shopping, if im in the mood to blow money faster than i make it. but i deserve to, dammit. ive been working kind of a lot. and then at night im watching garden state. im sooo excited!! natalie portman is definitely my girlfriend and zach braff is cool, too.
i like my room. i like the weather. i like work (kind of). i am excited for school. i am feeling rather positive.
goodnight!!
Monday, August 30, 2004
good morning! im at school right now posting because hey, I got here at around 6:40 for my 8:00 class. Traffic wasn't bad...I just had to get past PQ. i guess drivers of the world really did yield for me (and everyone behind me) :)
audrey and organs. yummy.
yesterday after I was done with everything I drove to the beach and watched the sun go down. i never realized just how fast the sun sets. but it was verrry pretty.
im sleepy now. I woke up at 5:00--but it wasn't bad because I actually got some sleep. Usually I'm up all night because I'm nervous/anxious. I think I'll take a nap now.
here's to a great first day. please let me get the classes I need.
audrey and organs. yummy.
yesterday after I was done with everything I drove to the beach and watched the sun go down. i never realized just how fast the sun sets. but it was verrry pretty.
im sleepy now. I woke up at 5:00--but it wasn't bad because I actually got some sleep. Usually I'm up all night because I'm nervous/anxious. I think I'll take a nap now.
here's to a great first day. please let me get the classes I need.
i just watched dirty pretty things and now i am very frightened. does stuff like that really exist? i thought it was a really really good movie though. good dialogue, good pace, just very well made. good acting, too. aw i love okwe. but what is up with audrey tautou and human organs? haha this is the second time.
a perfect day for bananafish is a very good short story (by j.d. salinger). try to read nine stories, because it's in there.
yah irelaly have nothing to say. im so tired. im really trying to exercise consistently. fri run, sat hike w mom, today surf/run. i hope i can keep going
a perfect day for bananafish is a very good short story (by j.d. salinger). try to read nine stories, because it's in there.
yah irelaly have nothing to say. im so tired. im really trying to exercise consistently. fri run, sat hike w mom, today surf/run. i hope i can keep going
Sunday, August 29, 2004
sonya you have plenty of fans but the problem is they're either (a) middle aged men who thirst for conversation or (b) mothers of library-going children and your friends.
this summer i feel like all this information was crammed into my head. yeah, there was physics but electricity & magnetism don't thrill me so much (sorry charlie). but other than those horribly xeroxed homework assignments, i learned a ton about race and ethnicity that i need to stop finding ways that they surface in everday instances and interactions. i wrote a lot, whether it's through e-mails (megha sends me 4 a day haha :P), SoCo journals, margins of reading books, my journal of nonsense, or however many posts emerge as a result of my mood. not to mention that 10-page (which is turning out to be more like 15) SoCo paper that's due right when i get back to school on the 7th.
but anyway, i digress. okay so i've tried being more open-minded about: politics, religion, the opposite sex, the nature of friendships, and i've started to view my family and cousins as individuals, if that makes any sense. more than just the smiling faces that i'm used to seeing for only a couple hours at a time at parties.
it's a whole awareness thing. maybe i'm a little slow to really see everything (not that i can now...heck it's a huge process that i'll never ever finish) but maybe i was just too busy focusing on the wrong things.
in the meantime, best of luck at school tomorrow, meesh/miche/shell/perangtang! may the stupid drivers of the world all yield to you.
sadie, POST. you have internet now, use it!
this summer i feel like all this information was crammed into my head. yeah, there was physics but electricity & magnetism don't thrill me so much (sorry charlie). but other than those horribly xeroxed homework assignments, i learned a ton about race and ethnicity that i need to stop finding ways that they surface in everday instances and interactions. i wrote a lot, whether it's through e-mails (megha sends me 4 a day haha :P), SoCo journals, margins of reading books, my journal of nonsense, or however many posts emerge as a result of my mood. not to mention that 10-page (which is turning out to be more like 15) SoCo paper that's due right when i get back to school on the 7th.
but anyway, i digress. okay so i've tried being more open-minded about: politics, religion, the opposite sex, the nature of friendships, and i've started to view my family and cousins as individuals, if that makes any sense. more than just the smiling faces that i'm used to seeing for only a couple hours at a time at parties.
it's a whole awareness thing. maybe i'm a little slow to really see everything (not that i can now...heck it's a huge process that i'll never ever finish) but maybe i was just too busy focusing on the wrong things.
in the meantime, best of luck at school tomorrow, meesh/miche/shell/perangtang! may the stupid drivers of the world all yield to you.
sadie, POST. you have internet now, use it!
good morning.
I know I'm going to be late for work (yes, on my last day of summer) for blogging but here I am anyway. I just finished breakfast of tea (thanks for the tea, and a) and tarts, yum. And I'm bloody tired. 9 hours of sleep just isnt enough.
I'm looking forward to going to the beach today. I know it will be dark and cold and people will think, what's the point? but there IS a point! I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL. maybe tonight I'll drown and that will be that.
stacy--your post about levels (hello ladder) is all very true. I love how I put everyone into the fanclub catergory (hello nsync). But I really really love it when I feel special. I also really like when I'm taken care of. when they do/say things that are completely out of the blue for reasons none other than "just because." I think that I like to be a people pleaser (heyy jackie) and so I like to do a lot of unnecessary things for people---this is also the reason why people think they can walk all over me---and so I really like it when someone does some unnecessary thing for me. do I love attention? probably.
ah okay work, church, beach...and tomorow doesn't exist.
I know I'm going to be late for work (yes, on my last day of summer) for blogging but here I am anyway. I just finished breakfast of tea (thanks for the tea, and a) and tarts, yum. And I'm bloody tired. 9 hours of sleep just isnt enough.
I'm looking forward to going to the beach today. I know it will be dark and cold and people will think, what's the point? but there IS a point! I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL. maybe tonight I'll drown and that will be that.
stacy--your post about levels (hello ladder) is all very true. I love how I put everyone into the fanclub catergory (hello nsync). But I really really love it when I feel special. I also really like when I'm taken care of. when they do/say things that are completely out of the blue for reasons none other than "just because." I think that I like to be a people pleaser (heyy jackie) and so I like to do a lot of unnecessary things for people---this is also the reason why people think they can walk all over me---and so I really like it when someone does some unnecessary thing for me. do I love attention? probably.
ah okay work, church, beach...and tomorow doesn't exist.
okay i've resorted to song lyrics for romantic advice. dangerous, but here it is (this is because of you, babystace): Show him that you care just for him, do the things that he likes to do, wear your hair just for him, cause you won't get him, thinking and a praying wishing and a hoping. okay so do those things really work? according to these lyrics. instead of wishing and a-hoping, all i gotta do is kiss him and hold him. is that a joke? you can't get someone to like you by kissing him... he will only run away. stupid, unrealistic lyrics. next think you know i will be reading self-help books like bridget jones. i will check them out at the library and someone will see and they will know that i am pathetic and sad.
i feel really fat. that's stupid, though. people won't like you more just if you're thin. hm. but looking good will get someone to notice you in a good way. damn it all to bloody hell. i just feel so fat and ugly. ugh. i usually don't care about things like this but... i guess it's because i was sick for two weeks so i stopped running and i gained five pounds. i'm not eating for the rest of summer. three weeks without food. and i am going to run every day. so where am i supposed to get my energy? I HATE THIS SUPERFICIAL WORLD. i think that all love should be reciprocated. down with unrequited love. in fact, down with love altogether (and i'm back to bridget jones, or the actress who plays her at least). okay in order to regain my sanity i will give myself some priceless advice: just be yourself (ugh whatever that means). if someone doesn't like you then he is just not right for you. it does not mean you are not worthy of his love/ sex/ attention/ affection. it is a rare and beautiful thing if someone you like likes you in return. if it were not rare then it would hardly be be so beautiful. on the contrary, it would be almost dull and ordinary. okay maybe not, but i wouldn't appreciate it as much. not that i have anything to appreciate (?). but the reason i live is because maybe, someday, i will. but that day is not today (nor tomorrow). and you know what, that's okay. and i forgive you and hope you have a happy life with someone else. because i will most certainly have a happy life with someone else. damn, this sucks.
anyway can someone please tell me what happened to summer. what happened to playing flute, drawing, surfing, exercising, learning how to cook, spontaneous outings, movies, good books. what happened to midnight drives to torrey pines where we looked at sparklies in the sand and swam under the moonlight. where did it all go. Summer was divided into quarters. the first quarter i saw all my friends again, went on a wonderful vacation, met a weird person and sent a lot of text messages, did fun summery things. 2nd quarter i began working and began working more and more and more...and... now i guess its 3rd quarter. and i thought i had a lot of time. but i have TWO WEEKS. i know i should shut up because everyone else has TWO DAYS but still, i'm not prepared. i haven't surfed and cooked and had a wild summer fling (!) yet .. okay, that won't happen but... it would be nice to know that if it was going to happen, i would have the time for it. i only drew three pictures and downloaded a handful of songs and surfed one good wave. i haven't seen my friends or family enough. i haven't researched careers and figured out what i want to do with my life yet. i was supposed to do all of that...
i know why i'm unhappy. i'm not living a balanced life. i became a work-a-holic. balanced life= work, family, friends, hobbies, and exercise. lately it's been nothing but work. so that's why i'm psychotic. it's not because of you, it's because of me (so, i know i say it a thousand times, don't flatter yourself). if i just get everything together again then i won't care so much about things that are currently bothering me. and i'll start by enjoying my day off (tomorrow).
before i go to school i must: order charger, order hair stuff, glasses and contacts, purchase clothes and things for room, order textbooks, pick major and future career and develop plan for achieving goal (and must think of said goal).
i miss everyone who left (vanessa (barb's cousin), katyana, drew) and i miss everyone who is still here. and it's weird to think that i am spending so much time with my "colleagues" but i will soon go to los angeles and never talk to them or see them again. oh, the wasted hours of meaningless conversations and overanalyzed exchanges that will all be meaningless when the sun explodes. (what?).
every time i listen to "goodbye blue sky" i picture footage from september 11th. that song should be included in a documentary about it. i can see it all in my head. maybe one day someone will make it. or someone already did. that's the most random thing ever, yeah. look mummy there's an aeroplane up in the sky... soft blue clouds part, shot of airplane crashing into building. goodbye, blue sky, blue turns to grey. did you see the frightened ones? everyone runs. ick, sends chills down my spine. don't know why i'm bringing this up now.
this not eating thing sucks. i'm actually rather hungry. damn. dr johnson, your hitler haircut is making me feel ill. =]
i understand what the adults were talking about. it's moving so fast. i don't want to be old and ugly(er). i don't want to walk with a cane and think of all of the people i never knew and things i never did. this is so sad. three fourths of summer already over. one fourth of college already over. one fourth of life already over. ohhh myyyy ahhhh ahhhh. whew. i'm gonna go to sleep and wake up a happy, sane, organized, confident, well-balanced individual.
i feel really fat. that's stupid, though. people won't like you more just if you're thin. hm. but looking good will get someone to notice you in a good way. damn it all to bloody hell. i just feel so fat and ugly. ugh. i usually don't care about things like this but... i guess it's because i was sick for two weeks so i stopped running and i gained five pounds. i'm not eating for the rest of summer. three weeks without food. and i am going to run every day. so where am i supposed to get my energy? I HATE THIS SUPERFICIAL WORLD. i think that all love should be reciprocated. down with unrequited love. in fact, down with love altogether (and i'm back to bridget jones, or the actress who plays her at least). okay in order to regain my sanity i will give myself some priceless advice: just be yourself (ugh whatever that means). if someone doesn't like you then he is just not right for you. it does not mean you are not worthy of his love/ sex/ attention/ affection. it is a rare and beautiful thing if someone you like likes you in return. if it were not rare then it would hardly be be so beautiful. on the contrary, it would be almost dull and ordinary. okay maybe not, but i wouldn't appreciate it as much. not that i have anything to appreciate (?). but the reason i live is because maybe, someday, i will. but that day is not today (nor tomorrow). and you know what, that's okay. and i forgive you and hope you have a happy life with someone else. because i will most certainly have a happy life with someone else. damn, this sucks.
anyway can someone please tell me what happened to summer. what happened to playing flute, drawing, surfing, exercising, learning how to cook, spontaneous outings, movies, good books. what happened to midnight drives to torrey pines where we looked at sparklies in the sand and swam under the moonlight. where did it all go. Summer was divided into quarters. the first quarter i saw all my friends again, went on a wonderful vacation, met a weird person and sent a lot of text messages, did fun summery things. 2nd quarter i began working and began working more and more and more...and... now i guess its 3rd quarter. and i thought i had a lot of time. but i have TWO WEEKS. i know i should shut up because everyone else has TWO DAYS but still, i'm not prepared. i haven't surfed and cooked and had a wild summer fling (!) yet .. okay, that won't happen but... it would be nice to know that if it was going to happen, i would have the time for it. i only drew three pictures and downloaded a handful of songs and surfed one good wave. i haven't seen my friends or family enough. i haven't researched careers and figured out what i want to do with my life yet. i was supposed to do all of that...
i know why i'm unhappy. i'm not living a balanced life. i became a work-a-holic. balanced life= work, family, friends, hobbies, and exercise. lately it's been nothing but work. so that's why i'm psychotic. it's not because of you, it's because of me (so, i know i say it a thousand times, don't flatter yourself). if i just get everything together again then i won't care so much about things that are currently bothering me. and i'll start by enjoying my day off (tomorrow).
before i go to school i must: order charger, order hair stuff, glasses and contacts, purchase clothes and things for room, order textbooks, pick major and future career and develop plan for achieving goal (and must think of said goal).
i miss everyone who left (vanessa (barb's cousin), katyana, drew) and i miss everyone who is still here. and it's weird to think that i am spending so much time with my "colleagues" but i will soon go to los angeles and never talk to them or see them again. oh, the wasted hours of meaningless conversations and overanalyzed exchanges that will all be meaningless when the sun explodes. (what?).
every time i listen to "goodbye blue sky" i picture footage from september 11th. that song should be included in a documentary about it. i can see it all in my head. maybe one day someone will make it. or someone already did. that's the most random thing ever, yeah. look mummy there's an aeroplane up in the sky... soft blue clouds part, shot of airplane crashing into building. goodbye, blue sky, blue turns to grey. did you see the frightened ones? everyone runs. ick, sends chills down my spine. don't know why i'm bringing this up now.
this not eating thing sucks. i'm actually rather hungry. damn. dr johnson, your hitler haircut is making me feel ill. =]
i understand what the adults were talking about. it's moving so fast. i don't want to be old and ugly(er). i don't want to walk with a cane and think of all of the people i never knew and things i never did. this is so sad. three fourths of summer already over. one fourth of college already over. one fourth of life already over. ohhh myyyy ahhhh ahhhh. whew. i'm gonna go to sleep and wake up a happy, sane, organized, confident, well-balanced individual.
