wow michelle, i love your post.

okay so i think that its a good thing to take a look back at the year gone by and evaluate and analyze. So, 2003. This year just seems so Full--tons of stuff hapened, and didn't happen, but I feel like its just bursting with experiences. I think my resolution for this year was to stop being insane. Yeah, I think i pretty much failed at that, but resolutions are meant to be broken. Although, I think I probably had the most adventures in 03, and learned quite a bit about myself. I think I've been more "me" this year. I took in a lot because it was such a big year.

There was discovering orlando, fighting the administration in yearbook, learning how to be happy the effort put in even if the result was less than what was desired, turning 18 and becoming an adult, being more courageous, still having hope when all I wanted to do was give up, deciding on a college, being okay with rejection, becoming "real friends," learning how to keep in touch with old ones, remembering that no matter what--some people/things are connected to you whether you want them to be or not, actually being okay with being independent rather than just pretending, there is no ideal way to spend four years, graduation and understanding what that meant, finding out that reading peoples comments in yearbooks is nice and people in my class are not all hopeless, being brave enough to include a secret crush, having the best summer of my life with my best friends, trying to surf, getting a job, paying bills, trying to decorate my room, saying goodbye, trying to find my way to a whole new life, meeting new people in a scary place, reading the whole lord of the rings trilogy and then some, leaving a place knowing that I was better for having been there and not worrying about those who left with me or after me, voting, making a decision about school and sticking with it, surviving the fires, realizing that working 40 hours during finals week was not a good idea, meeting orlando bloom, finishing first semester of college, snowboarding!

This year truly had its high moments--graduation, and its really dark moments. I had to suffer through two deaths this year. One was of my grandfather--and I love (loved?) him more than anything or anyone else in the whole of the world. There are wounds that go to deep and can never truly heal, no matter how much time passes. And how do you recover from that?

I do not think I'll make a resolution for 2004...I know it'll just be broken anyway. And if it's not broken, then i'll kill myself trying to keep it. I think taking a day at a time is best, that way there are no regrets. Goodbye 2003!

shameless plug-- i think my sisters site looks really nice.

my arms hurt from snowboarding so bad-- i can hardly lift anything. gotta go clean..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FRIEND KATYANA SACRO!!!!

hey fb, i really do think we are the coolest people alive.

i <3 my friends!!!!

i am NOT bob.

uh oh sonya's in trouble. :-(

things i did over christmas break lastyear (according to my sparkly blue diary):

1. gift wrapped and made $120
2. bought presents for family
3. delivered presents to a family friend
4. went caroling at arbor's
5. helped barb paint her room
6. went to pasadena to work on rose parade floats
7. listened to john mayer
8. watched good will hunting (10 times), amelie, and when harry met sally
9. did math review problems
10. went online
11. played flute
12. went stalking
13. gave kat her birthday gifts
14. went hiking at the beach with family
15. had a movie night
16. went to souplantation (twice)
17. did my photo essay at the getty museum in la
18. went to joanna's TGIF party
19. went to denny's with FB (inc jo)
20. hung out at ivan's with FB
21. ate at rubio's with barb
22. went to a lame new years eve party
23. got a christmas tree


oh, and here's what i wrote about UCLA (i was trying to make decisions about college):

UCLA:
good = pretty, freddy (jk), close but not too close, almost affordable, good weather, close to beach (sort of), big city accessible, can go home when i want, hot guys, good school
**haha notice "good school" is last
bad = hard to get into, LA=ew, not on east coast, maybe not perfect for what i want to do, people are fake-- it is just an extension of high school, classes too big and impersonal


haha--- people are fake. did i really think i could escape that by going east? there are always fake people and there are always cool people. you just need to find the right people.

take the back road, exit el camino real. take it straight to torrey pines and make a left only when you hit the ocean. follow the road down, crossing the bridge but be careful of the bikers on your right. park, get out, climb down the rocks, turn left. follow the ocean to flat rock. notice a stairway on your left, take it, follow the cliff up up up until the surfers look like baby seals and then mere specks of black. and so you'll be at the place where the forest meets the ocean. you may want to walk to one of the viewpoints where you can stand on the edge of the world or lay down on the bench there if you're tired. the whole ocean will be before you and the whole forest will be behind you, and the sky will most likely be blue because everything is so beautiful that it has to. and as you climb up up away from the ocean, it only gets bigger and only then can you appreciate its vastness. oh, and people say hi to you as you hike because everyone is so happy to be there. because nature makes people good, or better at least. at the summit of torrey pines, on a spot that is hugged by forest and ocean alike, that's where i want to make a little house. i'll live there and never come out, except to make the ten story plunge into the icy pacific every morning before the ocean becomes speckled with tiny black debris.

I told him to go wash his own moron face- which was a pretty childish thing to say, but I was mad as hell. I told him to stop off on the way to the can and give Mrs. Schmidt the time. Mrs. Schmidt was the janitor’s wife. She was around sixty-five.

---

I watched him for a while. Then I said, "The reason you’re sore at Stradlater is because he said that stuff about brushing your teeth once in a while. He didnt’ mean to insult you, for cryin’ out loud. He didn’t say it right or something, but he didn’t mean anything insulting. All he meant was you’d look better and feel better if you sort of brushed your teeth once in a while." "I brush my teeth. Don’t gimme that."
"No, you don’t. I’ve seen you, and you don’t," I said.

---

"It made me mad, though, when I was getting my coat. People are always ruining things for you."


---

"I went down by a different staircase, and saw another ‘Fuck You’ on the wall. I tried to rub it off with my hand again but this one was SCRATCHED on, with a knife or something. I wouldn’t come off. It’s hopeless, anyway. If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn’t rub out even HALF the ‘Fuck You’ signs in the world. It’s impossible."

I still hold that this is one of the greatest social commentaries ever written

hey, you: just seven more days and it's back to the beginning.

so finally, for the first time since i came back to pq, i have my room all for myself... [dad used it while mom was sick]. i've dressed the bed up in clean new sheets that smell like detergent- yummm, and i cleaned everything else and put all my stuff where it belongs. and now i can fall asleep looking at MY walls that are covered with my pictures and everything i love... and everything feels so comfortable and maybe this is what i was missing the past two weeks? my own familiar space... the only place that i could call mine for 6 and a half years. and so for one more week i can truly have my own room... but after that it's back to sharing a closet with 2 other people. closet? orlando in a closet? i wish.

my dad bought me a mouse that fits in the palm of my hand. and the cord is retractable.

watching sad movies when you're sad makes you feel better because you realize how trivial your own problems are. but you know, sometimes it isn't good to think in relative terms. it can drive you crazy because in addition to worrying about your problems you can worry about worrying because you know that you really shouldn't be worrying because somewhere someone is getting abused.

i wish i had aver day a birthday.

lotr monopoly is the best! its like a blending of two of my favorite things---weee I wish the whole would could be like that! I showed sonya this picture that I really like of orlando where hes like "becoming" legolas--again 2 of my favorite things :) I got the alicia keys cd and I like it. Store credit is not fun if you don't like the store. PEOPLE CAN BE SO MEAN when it comes to money. Money is so evil! And people get really crazy when they dont get discounts. All sales final means its YOURS forever. And people think theres always exceptions--and that THEY are that exception. Bite me bc I don't CAAAAAAAARE!!!!!

According to sonyas theory I would be "nothing" because I never had those stages of wanting to be anything. Except I'd be a nun. I'm not kidding, sometimes I really want to just do it. Except I'd get rejected bc I'm already going to hell.

so my dad got me this book... careers in communications and entertainment. i'll go read it and tell you what i found. maybe i'll find what i want to be when i grow up? oh, have i told you my theory? i think that when they grow up, everyone should be what they wanted to be when they were little. despite the excess of firefighters, doctors, and astronauts, (and the lack of gynecologists [and porn stars as douglas pointed out to me]) i don't think it's a bad idea. people would actually be happy.

according to this theory i should be "an author and an artist". (?) (?) (?).

this break has been strange... i was just shuffling through the archives, reading my posts from this time last year. i was SO happy during break... i was appreciating every second of it and i was so in love with life and all of that stuff. maybe it's because high school was so stressful and i finally got a minute to relax. i don't know what has changed this year, but break is a really boring day that plays in slow motion. or a bunch of deleted scenes that got rejected from the movie and only now show up.

it sucks to know that your entire life-- everything you do-- your mood, your accomplishments-- your relationships... it all depends on YOU. your entire life is what you make of it. that is so scary. can't someone do it for me? can't i just exist without actually doing anything and still have my life happen? your entire life is your REACTION. BLEH.

aristotle defines the highest achieveable human good as happiness (eudaimonia in latin)--- living well or doing well by performing reason-involving activity done well in accordance with the virtues or excellences. and this is the secret to living a wonderful, fulfilling life. . . . but what the hell does that mean I should be doing? sit there and contemplate why my life is such a complete blob of nothing and why i'm not headed in any direction and why there are so many beautiful things that i don't take advantage of because it's so easy not to?
if i could just create something i would feel so much better.

music and nature are the two most amazing things in the entire world.

heeheehee what the hell did i write? oh well, i won't erase it... i will just let it be and soon it will retire to the archives with the rest of the crap i wrote when i was halfcrazed. so i have verizon now yaaaay perhaps i will actually have service. yesterday we spent a nice day in julian so i'll put some pics of that up soon... break is ending. really, it is. =[
im cold so im gonna go put socks on now.

=D !!

it's sort of like your room is dirty, and how many times in a row can you eat spaghetti without getting sick? i'd much rather live on bread than chocolate ganache torte. oh, and you can't find your pencil because it is in your goddam hair.

so i have this typewriter that lives under my sister's bed and it types loudly and when you press a button it makes a crispy crunchy sound. when i use it i want to write novels and letters and love letters but instead i kind of just sit there. just like with rain. i want to run in it or go somewhere or maybe hold hands with someone but instead i listen to it and at the same time chopin's C sharp minor Waltz, which I suggest you download. and i am just so u n h a p p y becuase no matter how good people tell you things are or can be, they're mostly always lying. they probably don't know any better but it's kind of like hiding a snowflake in your freezer, only when you take it out it isn't any good anymore. almost like finding a pretty rock at the ocean because when it falls out of your sweatshirt pocket the next morning it really isn't pretty and it's actually just a plain ugly rock, like one from the road. that's because you shouldn't have taken it from the water where it belongs. it's kind of funny to keep painting a picture that is just getting uglier and uglier and you think by adding pink it'll turn nice but then pink and green turn into brown, didn't you know that? it's true and the song is over now so maybe i should wash my paintbrush and get a new piece of paper. you can try downloading pachelbel canon in d but then you'll be typical and there's nothing worse than feeling typical because you don't matter. it would be nice to play the violin. except i'd give up before i started, just like i probably should have done with the painting.

and everything i touch turns ugly.

tojopawrkgtpowakpblaahianp pefrojpwejrroaqrKIHHHHHHH sSjpasjgksodkzd[oks

i LOVE the rain

yay for orlando, captain jack sparrow, and my friends ---even if they did spend almost 2 hours making fun of me and sometimes being downright mean. you are cool nonetheless. boo for holiday shopping- how stressful and disgusting BLEH gollumgollum. ahh i ate lots at michelles house-- i feel like the fat hobbit :-]

i've lost any capability and desire i ever had to write... and break is slowly- er quickly- slipping through my fingers. less than 2/3 left... i must say the last week or so was very enjoyable and i could get used to this no work/all fun lifestyle. only i actually can't because before i know it i'll be waking up for 9am class and staying on campus till 5 (darkness eeek).

i dunno... i'm boring and i'm bored and i don't have much else to say, other than that i'm thankful for everyone and everything that is good. goodnight.

.

ouch my poor footses. tricksy little hobbitses. ouch =[

hey go look at my sis's website www.geocities.com/salomeyasobko bc she used an orli layout for it. yayayayay.

so we finally got our tree today hahah but before we put it up we have to do some hardcore house cleaning. i guess it feels more like christmas break now, altho almost all my presents went to shit when i realized people already had what i got them.. or when people found what i got them (dad). i guess it doesn't really matter, tho.

last night kats mom planned a dinner for work friends and i got to see kat, norma, jordie, clare, etc. it was really fun =] apparently ms. pat asked why i hadnt called yet about working over break (oops...) so i think i'll give her a call bc its not like im doing much...

but yah break has definitely become more exciting because im actually starting to go places and do things now that people are back. it was kind of lame getting out a week before everyone else. but it was also good relaxing time.

stace, your house is always swimming in food. we are still enjoying your mom's cookies over here. mmm.

what elseeeee.. i love lord of the rings and i feel really bad for not watching it for so long, but whatever- now i see the light and i probably owe that to michelle, so thanks michelle. i'm looking forward to another girls day/night type of thing so we should really go do something.

eeek and i need to finish shopping.

BYE FOLKS!

for clarification purposes---regarding aragorn and arwen from return of the king ;)

but elrond saw many things and read many hearts. one day, therefore, before the fall of the year he called aragorn to his chamber, and he said: " Aragorn, lord of the dunedain, listen to me! a great doom awaits you, either to rise above the height of all your father since the days of elendil, or to fall into the darkness with all that is left of your kind. many years of trial lay before you. you shall neither have wife, nor bind any woman to you in troth, until your time comes and you are found worthy of it"

"but I do not speak of my daughter alone. you shall be betrothed to no mans child as of yet. but as for arwen the fair, lady of imladris and of lorien, evenstar of her people, she is of lineage greater than yours, and she has lived in the world already so long that to her you are but as a yearling shoot beside a young birch of many summers, she is too far above you. and so, i think, it may well seem to her. but even if it were not so, and her heart turned towards you, i should still be grieved because of the doom that is laid on us."

"what is that doom?" said aragorn.

"That so long as I abide here, she shall live with the youth of the Eldar," answered elrond, "and when I depart, she shall go with me, if she so chooses."

"I see," said aragorn. " that I have turned my eyes to a treasue no less dear than the treasure of Thingol that Beren once desired. such is my fate." then suddenly the foresight of his kindred came to him, and he said: "but lo! master elrond, the years of your abiding run short at last, and the choice must soon be laid on your children, to part either with you or with middle-earth."

"Truly," said Elrond. "soon, as we account it, though many years of men must still pass. but there will be no choice before Arwen, my beloved, unless you, Aragorn arathorn's son, come between us and bring one of us, you or me, to a bitter parting beyond the end of the world. You do not know yet what you desire of me."
.......

And thus it was that Arwen first beheld him again after their long parting; and as he came walking towards her under the trees of Caras Galadhon laden with flowers of gold, her choice was made and her doom appointed.

Then for a season they wandered together in the glades of lothorien until it was time for him to depart. and on the evening of midsummer Aragorn Arathorn's son, and Arwen daughter of Elrond walked unshod on the undying grass with elanor and niphredil about their feet. and there upon that hill they looked east to the shadow and west to the twlight, and they plighted their troth and were glad. and arwen said: "dark is the shadow, and yet my heart rejopices for you, Estel, shall be among the great whose valour will destroy it."

but aragorn answered: "alas! I cannot forsee it, and how it may come to pass is hidden from me. yet with your hope i will hope. and the shadown I utterly reject. but neither, lady, is the twilight for me; for I a mortal, and if you will cleave to me, Evenstar, then the twilight you must also renounce."

and she stood then as still as a white tree, looking into the west, and at last she said: "I will cleave to you, dunadan, and turn from the twilight. yet there lies the land of my people and the long home of all my kin." she loved her father dearly.
.......

When Elrond learned the choice of his daugther, he was silent, though his heart was grieved and found the doom long feared non the easier to endure. but when Aragorn came again to rivendell he called him to him, and said:
"My son, years come when hope will fade, and beyond them little is clear to me. and now a shadow lies between us. maybe, it has been appointed so, that by my loss the kingship of Men may be restored. Therefore, though I love you, I say to you: Arwen Undomiel shall not diminish her life's grace for less cause. She shall not be the bride of any Man less than the King of both Gondor and Arnor. To me then even our victory can bring only sorrow and parting--but to you hope of joy for a while. Alas, my son! I fear that to Arwen the Doom of Men may seem hard at the ending."
........

Then the King welcomed his guest, and they alighted; and Elrond surrendered the sceptre, and laid the land of his dughter in the hand of the King, and together they went up into the High City, and all the stars flowered in the sky. And Aragorn the King Elessar wedded Arwen Undomiel in the City of the Kings upon the day of Midsummer, and the tale of their long waiting and labours was come to fufilment.

.......

and Arwen Evenstar remained also, and she said farewell to her brethren. None saw her last meeting with Elrond her father, for they went up into the hills and there spoke long together, and bitter was their parting that should endure beyond the ends of the world.
......

The third age ended thus in victory and hope; and yet grievous among the sorrows of that age was the parting of elrond and arwen, for they were sundered by the sea and by a doom beyond the end of the world...elrond grew weary at last and forsook middle-earth, never to return. but arwen became as a mortal woman, and yet it was not her lot to die until all that she had gained was lost.

And for all her wisdom and lineage she could not forbear to plead with him to stay yet for a while. She was not yet weary of her days, and thus she tasted the bitterness of mortality that she had taken upon her.

"Lady Undomiel," said Aragorn, "the hour is indeed hard, yet it was made even in that day when we met under the birches in the garden of Elrond where none now walk. and on the hill of cerin amroth when we forsook both the shadown and the twilight this doom we accepted. Take counsel with yourself, beloved, and ask whether you would indeed have me wait until I wither and fall from my hight seat unmanned and witless. Nay, lady, I am the last of the Numenoreans and the latest King of the Elder Days; and to me has been given not only a span thrice that of men of middle-earth, but also the grace to go at my will, and give back the gift. Now, therefore, I will sleep.

I speak no comfort to you, for there is no comfort for such pain within the circles of the world. The uttermost choice is before you: to repent and go to the havens and bear away into the west the memory of our days together that shall there be evergreen but never more than memory; or else to abide the Doom of Men."

"Nay, dear lord," she said," that choice is long over. there is now no ship that would bear me hence, and I must indeed abide the doom of men, whiter I will or I nill: the loss and the silence. But I say to you, King of the Numenoreans, not till now have I understood the tale of your people and their fall. as wicked fools I scorned them, but I pity them at last. For if this is indeed, as the Eldar say, the gift of the One to Men, it is better to recieve."

"So it seems," he said. " But let us not be overthrown at the final test, who of old renouced the shadown and the ring. In sorrow we must go, but not in despair. Behold! We are not bound for ever to the circles of the world, and beyond them is more than memory. Farewell!

[my fav. lines...]
Then a great beauty was revealed in him, so that all who after came here looked on him in wonder; for they saw the grace of his youth, and the valour of his manhood, and the wisdom and majesty of his age were blended together. And long there he lay, an image of the splendor of the Kings of Men in glory undimmed before the breaking of the world.
.....

There at last when the mallorn-leaves were falling, but spring had not yet come, she laid herself to rest upon Cerin Amroth; and there is her green grave, until the world is changed, and all the days of her life are utterly forgotten by men that come after, and elanor and niphredil bloom no more east of the sea.

its 4 am .. .should i go to sleep?

okay i feel happier bc i actually did stuff: called best buy, cleaned the house, and went shopping for 10 billion hours.

btw BEST BUY sucks

1. order stuff
2. stuff gets put on backorder
3. call to cancel stuff and wait on hold for 30 min.
4. guy only cancels 1 thing
5. call back and wait
6. guy says his comp broke
...still need to call back. BLEH

im so warm and hungry. i like the feeling.

As of 11 o'clock this morning... I AM FREE!! Finals are done and I currently have 2 Bs and 1A--in my lover penguin professor's class. wooooo hoooooooo :) you know whats crazy??? this semester went by soo fast!! I can't believe it--rotk here it come!! :)

why dont we take a ride tonight around the town
and look around at all the beautiful hoooooouses

EEEEEEEEE i am so annnnoyed with this break because it sucks because I suck. also, some of the stuff i ordered got BACKORDERED a.k.a. it won't get here in time. i guess i'll spend this break trying to see how long i can put stuff off: ie history assignment, xmas shopping, and calling various people. it's almost sick because i am so lazy that i can't even make myself call the people i want to see. btw i'm gonna try to stop staying "hang out" because when you think about the phrase hang out and you break it down: hang out, h a n g o u t, it sounds like a really stupid slang phrase and i try not to use those. right. so, i hate hate hate break because i am a lazy bum. plus, we don't have a tree so is it christmas or is it summer? i can't even tell the difference. i almost want winter quarter to start so at least i'll be forced to do something- learn something- and i can use the gym that i only used weeks 1-3 =(. i havent even been to gymnastics in 2 months! ! ! its not so much that im ucla-sick or anything, i just cant make myself get up and do something hereeee in lazy sd. at this very moment i could: cancel my order, work on my interviews, go shopping, draw, read, cook, play flute, or clean the house, or call someone.


sorry that was annoying. so i watched TWO TOWERS -exended edition, thanks michelle- and i really loved it and i promise i'm not lying! it's not even because of legolas! i thought it was really really good so now i'm excited for tomorrow and i'm excited that i'm excited because a few days ago i was almost dreading it (don't kill me). it just seemed that there were such better ways to spend 3 hours of my time... but not really if i cant even make myself get out of bed. i totallly perpetuate my own bad mood. oh psychology, you are behind everythinggg-- its sort of annoying to take psychology because you can trace every action feeling emotion etc to something you learned in the class and you dont really feel unique anymore. but its all good because SCHLINGER = EDWARD NORTON.

what am i even saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaying? okay im gonna go clean the house until someone interrupts me with a phone call (probly not gonna happen).

ahhhh 50% of my shopping allll done... online. what a beautiful thing. BUT- it may not come in time. if this happens to YOUR gift- i am SO sorry. but you'll get it eventually. hmm what else?? oh i love john mayer! look....

We should take a ride tonight around the town
and look around at all the beautiful houses
something in the way that blue lights on a black night
can make you feel more
everybody, it seems to me, just wants to be
just like you and me

And if our always is all that we gave
And we someday take that away
I'll be alright if it was just 'til St. Patrick's Day


...oh johnnay, you have such a way with words.

WOW. I wont ruin anything about rotk, but its seriously one of the best movies ever. I was just bawling by the end of it. And damn it, I LOVE ELVES. There was a very surreal moment when "the end" flashed on the screen. really, the end? walking out of the theatre, I had this feeling of "so what the hell do I have to look forward to?" haha. I can't believe its all over. I WANT ROTK EE NOW. Orlando is a beautiful man/elf. There were scenes were I just wanted to pull a zack morris "time out" so I could analyze the hotness that is orlando bloom.

There's no way in hell I can study for finals now...

haha stace, rotk definitely hadn't started yet.

why is it so easy to waste an entire day???????????? I'm GOING TO START MAKING THE MOST OF MY BREAK- I AM. any suggestions on how to have a not-lame new years eve? i swear im gonna start spending my time wisely.. going place with people, going places i like, drawing, reading, where are my flute notes???????? im sickkkkkkk of wasting my life away online!!!!!!!!!!! if you see me on, beat me up.

and so it begins....

hi stace and i spent most of the day at state with shell.. it was weird being surrounded by people studying madly for finals. i enjoy going to the market and drawing instead of studying because i am done. and i like vrooooom vroooooooooooming on black mountain road at night. and christmas music- except its really only 2 songs remade by millions of people. i dont know what im saying but this tea im drinking is goooood . bye

break is really weird. i've sort of been doing absolutely nothing, save a run to rite aid where i saw mrs. stampfli. my mom and sis are deathly ill so i spend most of my time in bed too, even though the only thing keeping me from perfect health is the occasional runny nose. but its soo cold and my sisters down comforter is soo warm. i just want to stay in bed all day and all night. am i mildly depressed? i dunno-- maybe. the craziness of finals came to such an abrupt stop that i found adjusting to the nothingness of break sort of awkward. i still cant believe how much studying i did.. or maybe it just seems like a lot because i've spent the past three days sitting around. i can only enjoy break 85% because there is a history assignment looming in the back of my mind... and also an unknown phil grade (which really doesn't matter too much). my desktop-making passion sort of wore off... basically because of my complete lack of ability to produce anything slightly creative. ughhhhhh why can't i make cool stuff??? but i guess i should outline activities for myself so i don't sleep the next 3 weeks away completely.

- flute
-put my ink sketches on bigger paper
-more wallpapers?
-"look homeward, angel" (a book i just checked out.. library ::shudder::)
-madame bovary?- started it last night
-figure out all settings on my camera
-set up new cell phone
-christmas shopping
-watch "born on the 4th of july"
-history assignment GRRRR
-get pics printed

..toooo bad i don't feel like doing anything. everyone still in school or work probly hates me for not taking advantage of my break or for complaining about getting TOO MUCH sleep. okay BUBS im going to school with michelle now. she is cool bc she is the only person who hangs out with me.

good luck on finals everyone!

Stace--I'd actually yell "you are a beautiful elf!" to the screen. WEEEEEEE I get to watch the Return of the King in 14 HOURS. Oh man, oh man. Pee pee in pantalones.

I got these 2 super awesome posters of lover loverson orlando bloom, and I showed them to sonya. OH MY BLOOM! I seriously got scared for my posters. It was weird... like I wanted to take them away from her, but I was scared she'd like, claw out my eyes or something. You know in movies where theres some psycho with a gun pointing it at some hostage and theres the police person trying to convince the psycho to put the gun down? I felt like the police man and sonya was the psycho and orlando was the hostage. I kept saying "sonya stop it!" even though she wasnt doing anything...but I don't think she was listening to me at all. She was concerned with the life-sizeness of Orlando's face :) In the end, it all worked out fine... there's a word for sonyas behavior but I wont get into it right now.

Speaking of movies, theres this game called "scene it"--and I realized I suck at that game, although I really like it.

I get myself into trouble. I do, its horrible. Stressing out is my hobby. Ahhh pow pow. ANd I still have Christmas shopping to do with zero money AND I still have to find another job. AND I still have finals to deal with. POW POW POW.

And I SWEAR, every single day of my life someone questions what the hell I am. Maybe I should just move to an island and be done with it all.

There's nothing like 11 hours of sleep to make you feel alive. And then you walk out of your room and realize that the world can be so unfair sometimes... WARNING: prepare for whinning and venting...

Take, for instance, the closing of my store. I totally dont think we should close...and I'm not just saying that because I have to look for another job. I think Zany Brainy/Right Start and ESPECIALLY FAO Shwarz are really good stores and what will happen if they all just go away? EVeryone will have to flock to Walmart or even worse, Toys R us--I can't quite explain what I'm thinking, but ever see "You've Got Mail" with TOm HAnks and Meg Ryan?? Well...Meg Ryan's store is closing...


People are always telling you that change is a good thing.
But all they're really saying is something you didn't want
to happen at all has happened. My store is closing this
week. I own a store. Did I ever tell you that? And in a
week it will become something very depressing... Like a
Baby Gap.

Soon, it will just a be memory. In fact, someone, some
foolish person, will probably think it's a tribute to the
city. The way it keeps changing on you, or the way you can
never count it, or something. I know, because that's the
sort of thing I'm always saying. But the truth is... I'm
hearbroken. I feel as if a part of me has died, and my
mother has died all over again. And no one can ever make it
right.


That's what I'm trying to express--except the whole mom dying part. But really, it's so unfair.

Wanna know what else is unfair? Okay, I will admit that I am a little biased here, but it just MAKES NO SENSE whatsoever. Orlando going out with Kate Bosworth. What the hell is THAT?!?! I swear its just because shes blond. THe only cool thing about her is that she has 2 different colored eyes--but really, theres nothing particuarly interesting about her that would make me approve of the relationship. (haha, listen to me talk like i even KNOW them, or that they would even care if I approved or not...) ANd no, I'm not just saying this because I lover Orlando--if he was going out with someone at least INTERESTING, then I'd approve. I'm not that insane to think that I'D marry him. please...all I want from him is some time in a closet every year ;)

On another note, We captured Saddam? Interesting.

i got an A in psych! yay!

IM DONE!!! see you guys at home :D :D :D !!! HAPPINESSSSSSSS

the time for judgment has come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thanks shell. ummm ONE FINAL DOWN-- 2 to go. easiest down, worst 2 to go. i'd rather suffer immense pain that study for and take phil. but soon it will be all over-- no matter the outcome, at least it will be over FOREVER. download phantom planet and also me first & the gimme gimmes for some fun music.

sonyas wallpapers are good...check out the new link!

The weirdest thing just happened. NARIS aka NARIZ just imed me after like 3 years of not talking to me ever. all the first thing he says is: "are you in college yet?" lol. suddenly I felf very young.

VIP-pat-A-pat!!!!!!!!

I'm in love. Seriously. love library :) But man, studying is just so draining...

And can I just say that I HATE group projects?? I do. I really really do. But just to be fair, I fully take on the majority of blame when things go bad bc I can't help but do most of the project. Part of it is bc I like to do things my way...and another part is that I dont completely trust my group members. Isnt that sad? But then when I pretty much do the damn project you'd think they'd be capable of reading all the stuff I spent hours writing...okay so I'm bitter. But seriously, I know know know a lot of it is my fault. I didn't have enough faith in my group members to do the informative part of the project...yet I had too much faith that they would be responsible enough to know the information well enough to present it.

I can't decide whether or not I should trust people. You just get screwed over either way. This is why I should be a mountain man and never see people ever. I'd only leave my mountain home to have an affair in a closet once a year with Orlando.

I think, though, that this just proves what a cynic I am. I had two group projects and one went pretty well, while the other pretty much sucked. And all I can think about is how much I dont like people and group projects--the glass is half empty. Shouldn't I focus on how much I LIKE people bc of that one group project that went well?? And see that the glass is half full? No, I think that's giving people too much credit. Sorry kids. I'll give mr. j credit because he's a mysterious guy who surprises me.

I hope everyone does well on their finals! You lucky dogs--I have one more week of hell...

um its 344 and i'm still awake. good news tho: more "orli" wallpapers up at geocities.com/sonya_sobko. ;D!

its about 1:50am, but i'm too scared to go to sleep because i am in a very very VERY rare studying mood.. it is so hard for me to step into this mood and the last thing i want is to pass it up when i've finally found it. but the problem is that it is 2 am and i should be asleep. and i am tired. but i'm also motivated to learn. and when i wake up in the morning, i won't be motivated to learn. i'll be motivated to make wallpapers. this orlando thing has really thrown me off... but it's finals week. i have to do this. it's worth it... i guess i'll just stay up until my contacts stick permanently to my eyeballs and my vision turns so hazy that i just can't continue.

This is a full account of all my dealings on Dec. 3rd 2003.

Woke up @ 5:30--got ready to travel and loaded up my bus that had a full tank of gas. Along with my backpack full of homework, I also brought Corazon, my stalking outfit, the Silmarillion and food. Got onto the freeway @ 7:00am. Traffic was semi-light but the dense fog kinda freaked me out. Then about half way I needed to pee--and my back started to hurt like crazy. But I kept thinking the next exit would be the one I needed to exit on--and there was traffic and I didnt want to have to deal with it more than I had to.

Then I got to UCLA and it made me feel small. And I was lost for like an HOUR bc the maps they give you are so TINY and confusing. So by the time I saw sonya I was throughly annoyed and I swear my bladder was gonna explode. I met sonyas roomates which was nice, and I saw her room and stuff which was pretty cool. We ate some shepards pie among other things and went down to the theatre. Man, sonya totally underestimated the fanbase for LOTR. We went to the end of the line and tried to find out info on what was going on. Basically, we stood in line for this patio area of starbucks which they would later clear out which was RIGHT NEXT to the entrance of the theatre--see sonyas pictures to understand what I'm talking about. Anyway, we talked to some girls in front of us--and I spoke to a boy with blond hair behind us. I think that was probably the best thing I did all day. Sonya decided that she wasnt gonna go to class... but she needed some stuff from her room. SO we ask the girls to watch our stuff and started the freaking HIKE back to sonyas room. Blah blah blah but when we get back to the line---the girls are no where to be found, the line has moved up and our stuff is just on the ground. BASTARDS!! If I didnt take my cell and my wallet, someone could have just jacked everything from me--and I cant believe they just left our stuff there....hello!??! Isnt it just common curtesy to look out for it?? I HATE PEOPLE.

Anyway, we find the boy with blonde hair and ask him if we can have our spots back---WHAT A NICE MAN!! He lets us stand with his family..and as the hours go by they befriend us. ANd to make a long story a little shorter, sonya and I spent $5 each @ starbucks to get these little tickets to stand in the patio beside the theatre. We were the last ones and I KNOW the people behind us all wanted to kill us.

So after hours of waiting, people started to show up--see sonyas pics for list of celebs. But like the stars of the LOTR would come out and go across the street to the fans (John, Billy, Orlando) while some wouldnt (Dom, Lij) but whatever---no one was coming to OUR SIDE. Orlando stepped out the limo and I just about peed in my pants!! He is so beautiful--no picture does him justice....oh my, what a lover!! But that was okay bc we could get closeups when they went inside. Blah blah blah---everyone is running late so they rush all the stars in @ like 740 but decide to make them walk behind this little TENT THINGY so pretty much none of us got any good pics. I WAS SOOO ANGRY....people are horrible. I was seriously on the verge of crying my eyes out. BUT THEN...

They all start coming back out--First Ian McKellen.... then the gorgeous man himself, Orlando!! And he sees us and crosses the red ropes to sign all this stuff--see sonyas pics--and I'm just frantically taking pictures. Then he comes to the another side of our area and somehow sonya and I are like towards the front, and I dont really know whats going on...bc as much as I saw him IN FLESH before, he was seriously like a foot away...oh my god is this real?? is this really happening?? and SHIT i dont have anything for him to sign bc my backpack was somewhere else....but he kept moving down the line and oh god... he was right there. I didnt know what else to do so I just reached out and started to harass his arm...then his hand. OH MAN...then he just reaches for my hand, squeezes it, and holds it for a breath before letting go. I swear I could have died right then.

He was seriously the nicest one bc he went to all the fans and stayed with them the longest. He just seemed so GENUINE---I love this man. I heard him talk in his accent too!! WHAT A LOVER. i dont need a husband, I just want to meet orli like once each year and I'll be fine. If not, can i have a lover like him?? As sonya said, he is the pefect specimen of a lover man. Honestly. And after tonight, I know that I'll have to find this man again. Just when I thought I was getting screwed over again....this beautiful man---this ray of hope---just comes and makes everything wonderful. Oh man... I love love love him!!

I also know that despite the superficialness of it all, I want to somehow be a part of that whole world.

I will so remember this one night forever...and driving home I saw a shooting star. Life is so beautiful.

"Aragorn sat with his head bowed to his knees; only Elrond knew fully what this hour meant to him."--J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

you want to see this

i'm gonna let michelle give everyone the details, but let me just say that something REALLY good happened tonight.
and michelle, no one deserves it more than you :-)

yay you guys-- GO HERE!

im so excited, and i just cant hide it, im about to lose control and i think i like it.. ok the only bg i like is the first one. most of the others are from like 2-3 yrs ago so they suck butt. but im just happy i got them up!!!!

in other news, i am ill and it sucks butt.

ah. ah. ah. ah. school is too much--only 2.5 weeks...just 2.5 weeks...

DISLIKES: group projects. pow pow pow! just lemme do it, damn it.
LOVES: the NSYNC Christmas CD! its times like this (when i want to shoot all my group members) that I appreciate these 5 men.

i love: polka dots, raspberries, tangerines, cashmere
i dont like: when the teacher tells a 'joke' and all 300 students laugh in unison

i'm a bipolar polar bear.

all of the worrying i did about seeing people was completely pointless... everyone is just the way i remember them. it's like i stepped into a time machine and traveled back in time where i watched a half-hour episode of my own life. i'm sitting here, talking to someone who i havent seen in more than 2 dimensions for several months and they are real and i can touch them and smell them and if i say something, they'll answer me. it's surreal and real all at the same time. and goodbyes aren't sad this time around because they will melt into hellos in just a few weeks. i cant wait till winter break :D!! gotta get through finals first... i'm ready to work really hard so i can feel that i truly deserve my break. so far, college has been lots of sleeping and that's about it. i'm ready to go back tomorrow and WORK.

i love my friends!!!

i know it's one day too late, but i am thankful for:

new friends
old friends
family
sleep
food
ucla
music
art
united states
nature:
[the ocean
the forest
the sky
grass]
books
teachers

Today I felt so blessed. I was just really happy and grateful for family. God is so good.

But being surrounded by family also reminds you of the people in your life who are no longer around. And that, I think, is the worst part of the holidays.

i dont know.... tell me pleaseeeee-- is this really happening to me?! is this really happening to me?!?!

is
this
really
happening
to me?

dear michelle, you can be anything if you put your mind to it.

the past few days have been so good :-)

...on tuesday, after an exhaustingly stressful trip, barb and i got to san diego. . . we dropped our stuff off and headed to the scene with her bro to see phantom planet. it was probably the best concert i've ever been to!!!!!!! (nsync doesn't count because that's just a whole different part of my life). anyway, we were in the second row and the lead singer, alex, was so freakin cool-- he kept stage diving into the audience and he held my hand for stability. and i tapped his butt. :-o!! hahaha i knew all the songs and they were just sooo good-- they sang all the good ones, even lonely day. then alex was like 'it's stupid how they seperate the audience from the band' so he let the front two rows go onstage. so me and barb went on stage and sang 'california' with them-- we were standing like directly behind him so we hugged him! ! ! ! ! it was such a lovely, happy moment. and apart from being funny and a wonderful singer, he is like 500000000 on the hot scale. so i basically love them 5 million times more now because this kind of thing never happens to me. i'm usually in the back, being jealous. after the concert barb and i picked up matt and we all went to karen's house so barb and i could get our stuff from her. i was really hyper and we all went crazy on her street and i saw two shooting stars.

...wednesday: i woke up at 1230. haha and barb and matt and i went to wahoo's and on the way we almost died. i ordered way too much food and then we went to la jolla shores because the ocean is my love. we watched the surfers and found some flowers and took some pictures and when we stepped into the water our feet turned numb. at home i just hung around until 8, when michelle came over with a bag full of nsync tapes. I LOVE NSYNC ! ! ! ! ! ! !oh man, you should have seen us. from disney concert to hbo concert, we were reliving memories and loving justin and screaming like little teenyboppers because that's us no matter how old we are. IT'S THE HUMAN BEATBOX... FRIKKI FRIKKI FRIKKI.. aaah. after michelle left, my sister and i watched jackass the movie, where we saw people drinking their pee and snorting wasabi. it was great.

...thursday: my momma woke me up at 7 (bleehhhh) and we went to torrey pines (i drove!). we had to run away from the water that was trying to swallow up our shoes. we hiked up to the cliffs and went on the trails and i almost stepped on a snake but my mom saved me. then we went to champagne in del mar and ate breakfast mmmmm. and then henry's where i saw a lover, and then i drove home. i love driving; it's so relaxing. now i'm here and my stomach doesn't feel well and my mom is telling me that i swallowed a bacteria and i can't eat anything. not eat on thanksgiving? i don't think so. hopefully whatever it is goes away.

what a crappy post-- i'm not in much of a writing mood. i can't articulate anything. well i hope everyone has a really good thanksgiving. enjoy your time at home!!!!!

you know what i'd be, i mean if i had my goddam choice? A Christmas Tree decorator. Either that, or (along with sonya) I'd be an offical slaughter of f*cking insane people--yessss licensed to kill--and make the world a better place.

that was a nice, blogworthy post michelle. you sound almost normal... but you aren't because you love your teacher. i have some minutes to spare because i got all ready to meet barb for brunch but she was still sleeping. its funny how this place is silent until about 1pm, when people start creeping out. then they go their seperate ways and it's quiet all weekend long until about 2am, when they all come back. i was making my roommate watch amelie last night... it made me happy. COLLIGNON!!!

oh oh yesterday i went and bought some sketchpads and pencils and karen & i took the bus (which was free yaaay) to the GETTY (museum). it only took 10 min to get there and it was so wonderful and beautiful and the grass was REALLY green, which always makes me happy. it was just what i needed because i was getting sick of campus and people and everything. i think i took in like 5 billion gallons of fresh clean air (except we were on a hill in LA so it was probly polluted?).

and on friday.. i watched charlie and the chocolate factory in my room. i felt really happy-- too happy, so i watched life is beautiful. and that made my nose runny and snotty and my eyes swollen shut, so i guess it was dumb of me to watch that on a fri night. its still the best movie ever tho- watch it. and then at night i went with karen, barb, and bianca (karens roommate), to ackerman $2 movies to watch L'AUBERGE ESPAGNOLE, which has amelie in it. that was a very good movie-- its like everything i want minus the affairs. so yeah, friday=way too many movies. my contacts were mad at me.

so today has got to be a hardcore work day because i am behind.. MAN i CANNOT get into work mode. i better get my act together. oh and eek, i better figure out what im gonna talk about with my phil TA bc i set up an appointment with him and i really have nothing to say.

Today was nice. I wore funny socks with shoes that you shouldnt wear socks with and capri pants that showed how the socks only went up mid-calf. I thought it was pretty hilarious! CHris is sick. that's all I have to say about that. And I mean, CHris is sickLY. cough cough sick. Anyway,

I got home and did some thinking and more thinking about declaring--got no where and took a nap. The worst part of my day was waking up @ 1 and feeling like I was already wasting my time because I have shit loads of homework. I went to the library in RB--it was my first time there and it was pretty nice there! When I went to check out my books I had my binder on the counter with pics of the FB and I wondered if the girl would recognize sonya. She didnt. Then I worried that...well, maybe I shouldnt mention this but...lets just say I was worried about paying $12 at the library. I read the corridor news and found out that even though MC's football team is doing pretty well, they get no support from the students whatsoever.

I went to work and EWWWW--some girls are just sluts. seriously, its just disgusting and pathetic that some people would go into zany brainy to make out on a bunch of "cuddly friends"....especially on a big $300 pink dog. BASTARDS defiled the stuffed animals!!! Poor precioussess...

But the real perk of my day is that I dont have work tomorrow--which means I have some time to put up my Christmas tree and decorate!! I LIVE for this...and 94.1 started playing nonstop Christmas music. I also got paid today which means I get to buy the Lord of the Rings: The two towers special extended edition tomorrow!! I love having free saturdays :)

unwritten law show was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry to only write when i'm angry or confused or something else not happy... but you know what, let me just say now that as great as ucla is, it isnt all its cracked up to be. yay res halls and roommates and socializing and a beautiful campus, but are these classes really worth my 20 grand a year? what prompts me to say this is the f-ed up class enrollment system. one of my classes is already set for the whole year, so i supposedly get "priority enrollment", since it will be harder for me to choose and arrange my classes with one already being chosen. okay so i spend maybe 6 or so hours figuring out a possibly schedule-- yay priority enrollment sign in-- and BAM- the class i want "has reached its priority enrollment maximum". what the hell is the point of priority enrollment if i cant even enroll. so basically my whole sched is f'ed over and no matter how much i try to not worry about it or "be happy" or stop complaining or bleh, it all comes down to the same thing-- which is that i'm paying just as much as everyone else (and that is already too much, as the people protesting outside my window at this very second can tell you), yet i can't even take ONE class that i want. and just scanning bruinwalk.com-- i am amazed at the number of crappy teachers. these arent just reviews by bitter students.. these teachers are really truly crappy. why the HELL am i paying them? especially when i couldn't take their class if i wanted to.

LISTEN CHILDREN: save your money, go to community !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no time for originality. all you get are my journal's leftovers: what is depressing-- my complete lack of any inspiration desire bleh to write. it must come from my lack of reading... xcept all i do all day is read, only not the stuff that inspires you to write when reading doesn't feel like enough. like music makes you play; art- draw, and etc. so do i like to write or do i just appreciate really good literature? i definitely appreciate good literature and good movies-- but is that as far it goes, or is that something i'd enjoy taking part in? anyway, as i've probably said before... everything is on the everge of okay until i step back and look at the bigger picture. its like a reverse monet- an anti impressionistic blehh of paints where the bigger picture is sensless. i knowits easier to focus when you have a goal in mind, and as of now i have no such goal. i am just an entity of matter floating about without a compass or any natural sense of direction and everyon around me seems to actually be moving towards something. i only move away from something- everything- and running away to nowhere gets you precisely there- nowhere. so that is where i am, or am not, rather, because if you are nowhere you really arent anywhere identifiable. if you wanted to look for me, for example, you couldnt find me. and its really difficult to plan classes when you dont know what city, country, state of mind you are presently in, or wouldn't mind moving to. maybe i want to be in europe- what class do i take for that? anyway, here's the simplest question of all questions: what do i enjoy? refrased: what interestes me, what do i like? this is where i say nothing. and what doesn't interest me? everything. okay i am just sounding like a stubborn little kid... there really are things that i enjoy but none of them fit together. so that's probably what i should do. major in everything and nothing so i can be an everythingist and a nothingatician, all at the same time.

hmm hmm what to say now that I've got some time...

school is kicking my ass. I'm stressing because I'm feeling pressure to declare in order to take the classes I want. Only thing is, the major I want to declare is "not accepting new students." What the hell is that?! And if I even want to get into that college, I have to talk to the department head--not only is that scary in itself, but hes gonna wanna know WHY he should let me in!! Well, lets see mr. department head--I have a HUNCH this is what I want to do, but I'm not quite sure yet...and even though this is impacted, I still think it would be worth your time and especially mine, if you let me in. See how this is just NOT working?

Over the weekend I treated myself and bought the SILMARILLION...its a "companion piece to Lord of the Rings." It's so exciting!! I am amazed. I'm not thinking about how I wont be able to get work off to go to LA and look upon the flesh of Orlando Bloom with my own eyes. If that happens I'm just gonna turn in my two weeks now and be done with it all.

It's getting cold. and my ears are suffering.

yaaaaaaaaay i fixed my imagestation so all 3 albums show up now. yes.... there are more than 6 pics up haha.

just go to imagestation and search JSTNSGIRLY.

im getting...frustrated. I swear people only talk to me when they want something. Then somehow I feel guilty....whatever, it doesnt matter if you talk to me because you want something--just dont ruin my DAY!!!!!! jerks.

anyway, before all that happened, I was actually having a pretty good day. At work, Santa (aka Brian) was in and so were his elves! There was Christmas music and kareoke (?) and candy canes and everything. I want it to be Christmas already...I really really do. It just makes me so happy! I love the music and the weather, wearing red sweaters and drinking hot cocoa. I love walking on Christmas card lane and looking at all the pretty houses and listening to the people caroling. I love movies that remind me of Christmas like Love Actually. I love the lights and decorating the tree. I love buying gifts for people with sales and discounts and wraping them at home. I love the smell of vanilla candles and food from the kitchen. I love seeing the expressions on people's faces when they open presents. I love celebrating the birth of Christ with my family.

I think im gonna go and find my Nsync Christmas album and listen to it... weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

my pics

i dont know if that will work... but go to imagestation and type in jstnsgirly =) there are 3 albums up, so sign in so u can view all of them.
yayyayaayya

so i just found out orlando only had 16 lines as Legolas in fellowship of the ring. 16!! how sad--pj needs to put orli's talent to use and not use him as eye candy (although im not complaining).

i have to admit that forcing sonya to watch FotR was actually quite fun--but i felt bad bc all the girl wanted to do was sleep. sorry sonya.

oh, and masquerading around in my cool new zorro costume made me delirously happy! I am now reserving it for special occasions--primarliy STALKING purposes.

Love Actually + Mr. Darcy= :)

MC is having their HC game tomorrow--I think we might actually win. Oh, and we did beat poway earlier too!! how crazy is that....

dude... john mayer is in the new issue or rolling stone. let me just say that he is ABOVE lover.. he is like, .. not even in the realm of what lover stands for. he encompasses so much more... he says things that i think but i cant explain. (uhh not all of the following quotes are things i relate to.. like the um sex thing. what john? but a lot of its like-- wow john, we could so be married!!). you guys need to go to rollingstone.com and read the article bc there's more good stuff.

"You don't have to persuade me to be perfectly honest. This gets into a whole chapter: 'Heartthrob.' Because I'm not a heartthrob. I have a butt chin. No underchin. I have a giant head, I'm lanky as can be. I have back-ne. I'm not conventionally attractive, but there is someone who my look totally does it for, no matter what it is. Whether it's the fact that my neck seemingly comes out of my chest and not the top, whether it's that I have terrible posture. I've never labored under the illusion that any of my success has to do with looks."

Do you have a type?

"It's a know-it-when-I-see-it thing. I don't like Faberge-egg beauty. I like sweat-shirt-and-ripped-jeans beauty. That's what 'Wonderland' is about. It's not about hot girls. It's about a girl who does it for you. People always thought that was a make-out song, but it's really about loving every part of someone like they're a jungle gym. It's not just tits and ass and pussy. Sex is so utilitarian. Foreplay is like a sixty-four-count box of crayons and a couple different types of paper. Sex is like banging a Coke can with a mallet."

Mayer describes himself as "a psychological hypochondriac." It's unexpected, because Mayer -- for all his hyperkinetic energy -- does not seem like a stress case. He is perpetually upbeat, relentlessly funny and not a moper. "I don't understand moodiness," he says. "I refuse to give my attention to anybody who sees their own mood as a private barometer for the way the rest of the room should be. My dedication is to staying nice and mild."

So what's missing?

"I remember coming off tour feeling really lost, like, 'Where am I, what should I do?' It's like that feeling between hunger and thirst and arousal and desire all at the same time. I get that feeling a lot -- I'd say about once a day for maybe half an hour. I think it's just sport at this point. It's total self-absorption to the max. Most people think of self-absorbed as 'I'm thinking about me instead of about you.' But I'm self-absorbed to the point where I'm thinking about me instead of the movie I'm watching. Self-absorbed as in, 'What happens if I flip out and all of a sudden I'm at the movies and I just want to go home?' "

happy bday sadie! i love you!

thanks everyone =) you make birthdays away from home not so sad.

another orange sun and me trapped in my house. except today theres the very pungent smell of burnt wood--or if anyone knows what burning eggplant smells like--and its just everywhere.

what to say. the sky looks so black and gray that the sun is just gone. yesterday it looked like 9pm when it was only 3 in the afternoon. sirens from police cars go by sometimes. the whole city is just shut down. none of the fires are contained. and i just dont understand. stupid hunter--what an dumbass. im sorry but i GET to say that. brush fires are just so normal in san diego, but you just never think that it could ever get this bad. and to NOT be prepared the way we are. its just insane.

the otay lakes fire looked like something out of a national geographic special on volcanoes. it seriously looked like flowing lava down the side of a mountain. it was sorta beautiful at night, but then you couldnt help but think about how destructive it all is.

last night i could go on my balcony and see the sky lit up with an orangey glow from the poway fire. again, it could have been pretty if not for the knowledge that it was evil.

scripps ranch i think was hit the hardest in terms of just houses burned. they were just so close together and had those shake shingle roofs. i hope dar and fritz are okay.

the valley center fire went into escondido which worried us about lawerance's family. and jazmine too.

sadaf says shes fine but that the ash is just everywhere and the smoke--which is just hovering over all of san diego--is suffocating.

pq is relatively untouched by the fires. although i think there was definately concern bc of the poway/scripps fire and the fact that the fire jumped the 15 over at miramar.

talking with ashley yesterday, we both started thinking about what we would bring with us if we had to evaculate. and looking around our rooms, we saw just how materialistic we are. i would only bring photo albums, journals, some books. but thats all i would NEED to bring with me. clothes, yeah, if i could. but it was totally a new perspective.

i feel extremely lucky to be safe bc really, no one could predict where the fires would spread. this whole thing made me think about 9/11 and how everyone was kinda on alert bc of the possibility that s.d. would be a target. its the same sort of feeling--of this sort of muted fear and anxiety--and even though maybe you werent told to evacuate your house, you still are very much affected. i wonder about the future and what will happen once this is all over.

i cant imagine what it would be like to lose everything. i pray for everyone, be safe.

i saw the most amazing sunset. it flooded the sky with the deepst pink and the deepest orange you could imagine. and the following morning i saw the most amazing sunrise. it flooded the sky with the calmest pastel pink and orange you could imagine. and then i found out that the colors are so beautiful because they are altered by the smog. when i go to san diego i can actually TASTE the difference in the air i breathe.

2 midterms. 1 essay. i won't be around much this weekend.

I am in a way of just fits and giggles over a particular email and voicemessage from one Sonya Sobko. Weeeeee--Sonya lovers Orli!! This is proof that he is slowly corrupting the youth of america. I want to watch pirates. And now I totally have someone to go with me to the ROTK premiere!! never doubt my obsessions.

TIME TO GO TO SLEEP. HEY GUESS WHAT? I HAVE 8AM DISCUSSION. THAT MEANS ILL FALL ASLEEP AROUND 3 ONLY TO WAKE UP AGAIN AT 7. 4 HOURS BABY.

i am so winded by walking the stairs at state. there should always be escalators. I completely blanked out on my phil exam and so I dont think my grade will improve from last exam. i swear i tried so hard too!! I went to MC today bc I needed to pick something up and visited some teachers--but pretty much everyone has left mc and I felt like I didnt belong there bc there was no one around from when I went to school there---4 months ago. it sorta made me sad.

sonya dont be depressed sonnay. you are not wasting your time. no one knows what they are doing. something wonderful will happen to you and i will get jealous and try to hide it from you.

i bet you a million dollars that you take the simple action of walking down the stairs for granted. ucla is definitely not sore-quad friendly.

i must be the blown up bowling pin clown in the psychology experiment, the way i keep bouncing up off the ground. up and down, or is it back and forth? or does it not matter much?-- because either way, i'm clearly not in one place and i'm clearly not happy and definitely not stable. something needs to happen. something good, or preferably something bad. what kind of a person wishes for something bad to happen to him? someone who sees a tree and says: wow a tree, and now what else? it's all because the color is gone and i am living in grayscale. have you ever gone to a museum and seen a black and white oil painting? van gogh is crying.

i don't know about everyone else, but i need a motivation to keep going. or at least the conviction that i am not wasting my time. because with every day that passes i am one step closer to absolutely nothing but the eternal pit of nothing more than complete and utter nothingness. i'm not sure about the whole live-for-the-little-things deal. because life isn't a little thing and it isn't a thing comprised of a bunch of little things. it is a big obese greasy donut, with the middle missing. or at least it's missing over here. someone, somewhere is walking around with my donut hole.

those sixties children found themselves (their purpose, their identities) in "the movement"-- something bigger than their bodies and their minds.

or did they lose themselves in it?

it's a hard distinction to make, and while i'd prefer the former, losing myself in something sounds like a great alternative to the nothingness i'm bathing in now.

i miss clare.

hi, i think i could be depressed.

sometimes i see too many faces and i hear people laughing and i stand in lines and everything turns into a swirling cyclone of bodies and noises and it is all too much. yesterday i overheard two girls having the same conversation karen and i had last week. there are too many people with curly red hair. and everyone is so different. what does originality mean anymore? being your own person isn't so cool if it means you're not drinking. that's not water in the waterbottles, folks.

sometimes i freeze for a minute, and only a minute because that's all i can afford to spend while living out my (pre)destiny. and that's when i close my mouth and quietly ask people what they're doing and why they're doing it. and i know you also see that everyone is going somewhere and doing something. because everyone is always late and they walk at that "outta my way. i'm on the path to making something out of myself" pace. but did you know that they don't really know where they're going? it's true; they're just too busy to tell you that.

not that walking fast is bad. usually it helps you forget that you don't know where the hell you're going, like all of the others. and sometimes it's inevitable because you're going down a hill or you're trying to run away from a rapist without looking too obvious. it's when you're walking uphill that your breath catches up with you and-- oh my god, what am i doing here?

is this just what i think i want because it's everything i see and smell and taste? you know what, it's been seeping into your eyeballs and up your nostrils ever since you saw that first episode. you remember it? yeah, the one where the little boy couldn't find his house one day because they all looked the same. and his dad came home with a suitacase full of money and they ate it for dinner and didn't even realize that timmy was sitting on the curb, crying.

honestly, there are too many people to let down. just keep walking back and forth and eventually it's gotta lead up, right? no, i don't know-- i'm asking YOU.

so maybe i have lost my mind, or maybe i just found it a few minutes before everyone else. either way, it sucks and i would much rather be partying it up on gayley and strathmore.

and when i open my hand there are two words written on my palm in 3 and a half day-old ink. (eww you don't shower.) from the graduate, the crying of lot 49, and my parents and yours too, 40 years back:

"what now?"
(- - - - what now bizzatch?)

today i actually did something besides the same thing we do every night pinky--i pulled out my flags and ran around the streets by my house. I soo needed to because after a month of not doing anything, I almost died. It was so sad but I love to sweat!! It made me feel happy...damn those endorphins.

The best part of my day was getting home and finding a letter from sonya. I'm glad shes friends with a lover-by-default...even if hes a mini-fridge:)

Hmm...what else? I gave some blood, FINALLY. And the man was really nice--he gave me a purple bandage instead of the "flesh tone" which is pretty much not MY flesh tone.

I worked all weekend and didnt get any sleep--insomnia took over my life so instead I ate candy corn until I wanted to puke and read ROTK. Yesterday we had a 3 hour meeting regarding the holidays and all sorts of other crap. It seriously freaked me out--I am so scared of the holiday season! We got free food though so that was nice. THe managers were also going over all this stuff about procedures and I realized that I do everything wrong. Oops. But oh! We got all this little kid furniture--like tables, desks, bedding, beds, lamps--and it all set up by the theatre. My idea is that we should open up a cafe to complement the "lounge" and call it the zany brainy cafe. Theres a lot of new people and they are all really nice. I think its a little weird though because they ask me questions and Im not used to that at all.

So SDSU lost its homecoming game. It didnt phase me at all though because I'm sooo comfortable with losing. Ashley and I only stayed at the game for seriously 20 minutes then went to a pumpking patch. I went crazy and bought 2 pumpkins and that made me happy.

You wanna know whats funny? MCHS is FINALLY winning football games. Apparently they're pretty good bc of the new coach. MCHS homecoming is Nov. 7 for anyone who cares.

I feel bad for sadaf because my anti-social tendencies are making me not want to talk to anyone, so please dont take it personally. I know I keep ditching you so you can hit me later.

CHris is such a weird kid. I can't explain it but hes somewhat obsessed with school and his grades--but tries to cover it up. Its acutally really funny. I ran into him in the library--I was looking at this picture of JFK giving a commencement speech at state--and sooo this was the test: would he say hi to me outside class??!! He did. something else that surprised me was that even though I bore him with my incessant talking, he actually remembers stuff that I've said that I've forgotten I've said. yay.

noooo....dont touch anything anything anything! I've spent waaay too much time on this post.

there should be more matts in the world.. .he is so nice and grateful for everything. MATT YOU ARE COOL. who else is cool? stacy and kat for sending me mail!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank you SO much, you dont even know. but nobody knows whats going on, we all sing the same old song. so today i went to gymnastics and it was FUN. its shapin up to be a lonely day. im a week behind in all of my classes. i tried catching up on philosophy today but i couldnt understand ANYTHING. i have forgotten how to read. i think im gonna go finish up a letter, then go down and send some stuff, and then go to sleep so i can wake up for 8am discussion. im looking forward to the lonely weekend. i wish you would step back from the ledge my friend. i think i may do some grocery shopping in westwood and perhaps go to the getty. i have tons of work, though. everyone i know has got a reason to say, put the past away. goodnight~!!

happy birthday matthew!!!!!!!

testing...

hi friends. stacy i couldnt pick up the phone last night bc i ddint have service!! and i didnt hear your message yet, but thanks for calling =) i am in one of the psych computer labs right now bc i have 10 min until my experiment. yes, i am a test subject. last night, after getting back to la, i went to the library until 130am. i love the library.

it was weird being home. it was comfortable and nice. okay sorry i dont feel like writing, really. but shell- i hope everything works out. dont let stupid people ruin your mood/life. you are a really good worker.

okayyyyyyy back to my life where every day is the same.

This morning I woke up and felt like yesterday was a dream.

Pretty much, I got screwed over at work. Some son of a bitch who should rot in hell short-changed me $100 bucks. And I am just so fucking angry. People like him who dont give a shit about other people who are TRYING to earn their money should all be taken out to an abandoned field where I can prompty beat the shit out of them with metal bats. Bastards. Whats more is that I have got to be the biggest dumbass ever for doing what I did. stupid stupid stupid stupid--and I'm going to get my ass kicked at work on wednesday. shit--everyone was being nice about it but its like I put them and the store in question and fuck I should quit and save everyone's time.

I hate people.

Although I got to see sonya, which was nice and sorta surreal. We got rite aid ice cream--the best! and watched "under the tuscan sun"--sorry sadaf. that movie was weird...but there was a nice white dress in it.

So today, in my grieving state, I went all the way to fashion valley to go to the disney store because its pretty much the only one left open. I bought sleeping beauty with my little gift card thing. I found a sale and bought sweaters. I swore off studying for my midterm until after church. Its after church and I still cant study because all I can think about is how much of a dumbass I am and how much I hate people.

Someone should stick me in a space ship and send me to the moon.

i will spend tomorrow night in my own bed AT HOME. i'll shower in my own shower and eat good homemade food and see my friend(s) and my family. i also have to read about 500 pages. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha i am delirious. WHAT WILL IT BE LIKE TO GO HOME? i'll let you know once i'm there.

from the beginning of this whole college thing, i've been experiencing the frustration that is trying to find my future husband. i find myself staring down every guy that passes by, trying to figure out if he is the one i will be spend the rest of my life with. eye contact is a strange and beautiful thing. it is also dangerous. lately, it's been a pivotal stress factor in my life, as i am completely paranoid of what every eye-contact partner is thinking of me in the few seconds that our lives meet. the alternative is looking at the ground (or the sky?), but that is far less fun. i realize that i am impatient-- or just stupid-- or both-- but lonliness tends to conjure up that effect.

lately, i've been putting my mp3 player to use as i make the 25-min trek from the place i call 'home', up 3 dozen steps, to my lectures. music takes a lot of the scariness out of college. basically, melody drowns out the entire world, so i feel like i am the center of everything, and all of the other students are faceless blobs floating around me. still, the amount of people here is just mind-boggling, and honestly disillusioning. how does someone make their petty, insiginificant existence important here?

"i don't know about this whole college thing" is a phrase that repeatedly scrolls through my mind. i feel like i'm not like the other people here. i find myself having to give excuses for myself every day. want to go to a party? oh, i have a class. i study too much? oh, no.. it's not that-- it's just that my class is really early. oh, we'll be back early? well, i'm actually not feeling too well and i'd hate to get sick again. i never had to defend myself against being lame (except to myself), and i don't think i should have to now. so, no thank you, i don't want to go to a party. not yet, at least. and don't worry about me, i'll make sure i get the "full college experience". eventually.

most of the time i feel very medicore here. the good artists are the art majors. the good musicians are the music majors. there is the gymnastics team, and even the girls in the rec program are better than i ever was. political activists. scientists. philosophy buffs who incessantly pose beautiful questions in lecture. i am a lost soul, without any speciality-- good at everything but really good at nothing. sometimes i think that if i just had ONE thing-- one thing that was mine-- other people wouldn't bother me. because honestly, i am a very bothered person.

that's probably the reason behind most of my dissatisfaction with this place. if i had someone who loved me, i wouldn't look at every guy and i wouldn't be jealous of every girl who was glued to his side. if i had my group of friends from home, i wouldn't envy every group of people that i see conversing and laughing during dinner. and if i had something
-- some class, area, specialty-- that i was talented in and succeeded in, i wouldn't be so frustrated in every single class. so i guess my making fun of people.. my annoyance with 90% of people around me.. stems from my insecurities, or at least my frustration with myself.

it's hard to believe that i've been here a few weeks. they have probably been the longest weeks of my life. there are days when i wish everything was the same as it was a month back, but then i remember that that is just me wanting what i don't have. because if i was there, i'd want to be here. i need to learn to be happy wherever i am. it is something i am working on every day.

and what gets me through the day? the little things, like the transexual i saw at ackerman today. the homey-looking nerdy couple walking up the steps, a guy wearing gloves and a scarf, the warmth of my room after a walk outside, funny columns written by cute guys in the Daily Bruin, ... mostly just seeing funny things as I walk to class by myself. ooh and vanilla soft serve ice cream with oreo crumbs.

BAND KICKS MY @$$

i <3 gymnastics
male gymnasts are hot

frat boys suck

im getting un-sick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my very favorites---

beatles
carpenters
phantom planet
john mayer
maroon5

I am so sorry I've put you in the AWKWARD situation you are in with uhh...brian. You can hit me later.

I'm off to vote!! yaaay...

Today I was really lame because I spent $43.73 on two posters of Orlando Bloom. When they get to me I'm gonna spend more money to get them framed and hung in my room. Am I insane? Yes, but really, they'd look so nice in my room!! Oh oh!! And yayyyyy this thursday I'm gonna get tickets to watch Lord of the Rings--the extended FOTR and TTT THEN Return of the King--thats like, 10 hours right there!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

goodbye.

haha, stace you tricked all of us. hi sadie! hi! thanks for looking for my photo stuff, altho i already have my portfolio. i wonder what he did with the finals?/? urrr that loser. yesterday i went to whole foods and i bought: bread, medicine, vitamin c, blue corn chips, and humus. mmmmmmm and im eating it now and in 15 minutes i wil go to class.

my day

930-1045 history lecture
11-1215 phil lecture
1230 lunch
3-5 flute (first day of symphonic band)
630-830 gymnastics

nov 24????/ im not off until the 27th

Birmingham police had made a secret agreement with the Ku Klux Klan to give Klansmen fifteen uninterrupted minutes to beat the Freedom Riders. The FBI knew of the arrangement and did nothing to stop it.

hahahaah i just walked up and down my floor and stopped by the bathroom... and my little trip led me to the conclusion that i am the only one, out of 70 residents, that is in her room at midnight, friday. i truly feel unique.

my moms so cute. shes always like "want to go home? i can be there in two hours!"

staying home alone on a friday
flat on the floor looking back
on old love
or lack thereof


yeah yeah yeah you got my onlyyy heart

friday night and its a private party in room 333- just me and john.

and thats the way this wheel keeps working now. that's the way this wheel keeps working now. and i won't be the last. no i won't be the last.

just me, john, and my psychology book. aint life grand. old holden. old sport.

more on the strangeness of me: i never have a desire to talk to anyone. i just want to climb into bed and sleep all day long. but then i get upset if i have no one to talk to. wtf0ktr0sjrmgr i dont make any sense. my room is so freakin dirty. i need to clean it before my roommates complain about me. theres construction going on and someone is banging a hammer and the sound is coinciding with the banging in my head, but the headache medicine should help. i almost feel like going back to campus and reading under the comfort of a tree, but everything i have to read requires notetaking. screw notetaking, it totally takes all of the enjoyment out of reading. i wish i had decided to go home this weekend. oh well, i better make the most of it. complaining is cathartic and it also makes me feel like shit because i know how lucky i am.

dont freak out stace.. we arent supposed to know our majors yet. but at the same time, think hard if u really want to do computer science bc my mom hates it. not that youre like my mom but ... i dont know. i think youre too creative for it ;P but what do i know? -- apparently, i know nothing. i just went to my philosophy discussion and my professor was teaching it for the first time ever. (TAs are on strike). everyone was asking these big important questions that made the prof think and say "very good question" and i felt like a big loser just sitting there in my left-handed desk, wearing my hot pink good kid shirt, my mind completely blank. i wonder why i'm not inquisitive... it's like... i never think or question. i accept everything everyone tells me, memorize it, and regurgitate it for the exam. so i think i have continuously felt like crap for 2 days. i wake up feeling like crap and i go to sleep feeling like crap... especially physically. i think i might have overdone the workout. yesterday i did gymnastics an hour, 1 hr pilates class, and ran a mile.. all basically in a row. i needed to do it do get rid of my shitty mood. but obviously it didnt help? i think there's just too much going on in my mind at once. im always worrying about tons of little things, like how i need to do my laundry but the machine is broken. and on top of all the trivial crap, im always worrying that i am a waste of life and that i am not "living for something greater than myself". and how do you do well in a class where your entire grade is based on two tests? i dont understand this whole college thing. all i know is that i shouldnt stay outside of my room after 11 because that's when all the pathetic drunks stumble home.

I was all excited that we were having a guest speaker--a "filmaker"--come to my theatre class. Everyone fell asleep. It was not fun bc all he was talking about was reality tv shows. I dont like it when big football men sit behind me because they are too big for the chairs and their legs push on the back of my chair. Plus, I feel like they're breathing on me, which ugh creeps me out.

ikea is my new favorite place to go when i need to feel powerful. ordering hot men to do stuff for you is just so awesome! plus, i looove when hot men surprise me :)

oh and that test that i took in philosophy that i thought i did sooo well on...I got an F. 58% and even with the extra credit I can only hope for a D. so thats that.

wrinkles is getting worse which scares me.

michael vartan is SUCH a lover... i can't stand it. but anyway, i went to ikea today (yay!) and got this thing of drawers that i have to return tomorrow. i was deciding between two and realized when i got home that i got the wrong one. my room is a mess because i have to rework everything so it all FITS in my room.

you know whats weird? i woke up this morning--and the sun was gone--and i wanted to watch "youve got mail" and surprise surprise it was on tonight! i only got to watch parts of it though bc i was distracted my michael vartan and his blue eyes.

stuff is weird. life... it is weird. life is so weird. im not drunk... im just sort of stepping back and realizing, for the millionth time, how strangely things like life turn out. i apologize for ever saying that i wanted to go to college on my own, because if my wish had come true i don't know where i'd be now. probably chugging down sunkist and vodka in some dorm room.

so college.

classes: classes are good. i've only been to two, but i've liked what i've seen, what i've heard, and what i've read. i like learning and am grateful that i have the opportunity to learn from people who know what the hell they're talking about. i like reading and taking notes and doing work. this will all change, but for now i am enjoying it.

food: food is good, but i'm sick of it. yes, you can have too much of a good thing. tonight we ate at mr. noodle in westwood for a healthy change, but monday it's bad to the college food. the food is actually very good-- and there is a huge variety-- but i am just so tired of eating. bleeeeeh.

boys: cute boys are abundant and plentiful here. they serve as eye candy as you walk to class or stroll around campus. unfortunately, they aren't very approachable. they're decorated with a blonde or two... or they're too white. or stupid. or or or or. or TAKEN.

campus: is definitely beautiful.

people: are sometimes cool, are sometimes lame... get on your nerves, or surprise you, or make you happy. ask you to eat when you're sitting in your room sadly bc you have no one to eat with. talk about drinking until the wee hours of the morning, or just drink until the wee hours of the morning. they come out after midnight and sleep during the day.

everything else: is strange, and as matt says, also beautiful.

oh, and we won the football game, beating sdsu 20-10.

sonya, you are wrong. as kostos would say, i am a stupid bastard. lena couldnt argue with that and neither can you.
but its okay, like i know things will be okay. i should be so lucky...i am just now beginning to understand and accept. i will be okay.

i was so depressed after work that even the broadway kids couldnt make me feel better.

scott greenberg just wont leave me alone.

im really really sorry if any of that so0unded harsh-- matt told me it did... its just that i think youre so talented and smart and accomplished and i dont want you to think youre a failure,

if youre still in th same place in 30 years, then you can complain.

oh god ill never get this essay done..

michelle, you are being melodramatic. leaving home or becoming indepdent or starting over isnt something that has to be sudden the way it was for me. just because youre living at home doesnt mean you will be forever. god i cant even explain what i want to say to you. ojgrajtoga you make em SO MAD> wairngiw4p i just want to SLAP YOU. ojsermgtoprj godddddddddddddd foresjgops you have accomplished so much. you will have forever to go away. you will have the rest of your life. you are only here 4 more years. you shouldnt usre that time to look back and say that youre a failure. you arent a goddam failure. youve accomplished more than like 99% of people at our school. you are at a good place right now. you have the opportunity to learn wonderful things from wonderful people. things dont always go as planned.... but they work out. they work out because you control your own destiny. you dont know what youre doing anymore? its ont like your life is over. youre only 18. just concentrate on right now.. you need so you dont get lost. you may think youre screwed and lost but you need to just take everyrthing a bit at a time... concentrate on every assignment, every essay. you know youre capable bc you said you killed that test. you have so many opportunities. i just want to yell all this stuff in your face. ijrtgjse-o[

I must admit something. First off, please don't hate me or judge me until I am through. I'm not blogging in hopes of pity or even understanding and I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad, but its just something I need to get out. thanks sonnay.

Okay so this is what I have to say. When stacy and sonya would be talking about college and roomates and stuff--I felt really happy for them, believe me. BUt I was also sorta upset...not at them because they didnt DO ANYTHING...and I guess it was sorta a jealously issue but there was also something else. There had to be because otherwise I just wouldn't have gotten that upset. For the longest time I just couldn't figure it out...and not knowing what it was bothered me even more.

I don't know when exactly it was, but I realized that--okay this is me being insane, but this is how my brain works--it was a testimony of my failure. This was not where I planned to be. I should be gone, far away...and I swear when I was younger I wished and waited for the day when I got away from everything and started over. And I'm not. I won't ever have that. i have no one to blame but myself because i know i've screwed up. what sucks the most is that i see it everywhere, every single time i go to school...confirmation of my arrogant stupidity.

and i know it sounds like im being very petty and immature, but you have no idea why this was so important to me.

My life is turning out very different than what I expected and I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

today was pretty funny.

I was gonna watch this play called "How I learned to Drive" with Ashley at school. I had absolutely no money and no gas, but that was okay because today is PAYDAY:) so after all this traffic and other crap--I pick up ashley and we have this good coversation in the car while driving--in traffic--to state. i'm sorta freaking out bc i NEEED to buy season tix and you cant buy them after the play starts and all this other crap. The box office opened at 7--ashley and I get to school about 710 but go around in circles in the parking lot even though there are no cars. pretty much we couldn't agree on which way we should leave the structure--I thought we should go up, she wanted to go down--it was a freshman moment...but dont worry, this story is pretty much packed with them!! anyway, campus is dark and scary and night. its deserted which we were both surprised at. we FINALLY get to the box office...and they are SOLD OUT. Y%#&^#!%BV &%(*&%#~!!! Are you kidding me?!

I'm freaking out bc all the days are sold out and the only day open is sat...but i work saturdays and I NEEEED to see this play for my theatre class. Damn theatre students. I actually called Jay to ask a question--nice guy but couldn't help me. Finally I decide to get a ticket for NEXT saturday, plus tix to other shows--including grease :) 46 freaking dollars on theatre tix...I know that's not bad, but I'm a poor struggling student here!

Ashley and I are feeling all sorts of rejected. We came ALL THE WAY to school for nothing. Damn theatre students. Soooo being the weirdos that we are, we decide we're gonna go hang out in the resident halls! we don't care which one--we just wanna walk in and pretend we live there. Little did we know that after a certain hour you have to swipe you little card thingys to get in. damn it. But walking all around campus we discovered that there ARE little dirty men everywhere. sickos. bleh!!! we thought about calling someone we knew to let us in...then realized we had no one to call. <---if you can think of a lotr reference to that then i pretty much lover you:D

Once again feeling rejected, we decide to go bowling. bowling is all full and wait is half an hour. rejected again!! we decide to play pool. we both suck horribly. ashley wins. The score is now tied michelle 1 and ashley 1 (I beat her at sumo wrestling, she at pool). and oh!!...here comes a freshman moment. Before we played the game, we put in our dollar into the table, but your supposed to do that AFTER you play...to release all the balls. we didnt know that. looking back, duh it makes sense, but we werent thinking then!! we just couldnt figure out whyyyyy the balls wwerent coming out. we asked the guy who worked there...he explained it and we felt stupid haha...i swear if we didnt look like freshmen before, we SOOOO did then.

ashley wanted to play ddr--we did and we sucked. though i must say the music selection was quite good...we only made it to level 2!!! that game makes you sooo tired its funny. we got some food and some old man and jack in the box harrassed ashley's back--"ooh i thought you were ticklish!"<---I'm not kidding thats what the creepy old man SAID to her!! ugh. sickos i tell you.

the sickos now will always be sick...thats how you get the old sickos. not to be mean but really...he was old enough to be her grandfather!
------

Oh and today I spent an hour with CHris--I hate spelling it with a "k"-- outside class which was nice but kinda awkward. but it wasnt anything bc we were in...hahahhahahahaha...i was gonna say "love" bc thats the name of the library--but then it would have sounded soo wrong. but yeah, we were just in the library.

so that was my day.

we're playing ucla tomorrow. i know nothing about the football team so i cant say who'll win;)

b.....bee...bridget...traveling pants.

So now I have a "bet" with sadie. I hafta go do something with Kris this weekend. riiight bc i have so much time right? right.

sadie why is your dad going to afghanistan? buying dad presents is just the worst. its the hardest thing ever!!

I'm all excited bc I get to do a speech on the LADDER THEORY. I may expand and do: Lover, Boogers and the Ladder theory. tee hee :)

just one more thing to say. I have this huge urge to go out and DO SOMETHING. But I'm broke and lonely and have no time. Damn it...should I take a nap now or go and watch a movie?? I swear there are not enought hours in a day.

Right now I have nothing to do. I am so excited about that! I don't have anything major other than reading...and I don't have work, so I figured I blog bc I haven't said anything important--do i ever?--in a while. After this I will sleep :)

I got my first big college exam and paper done this week. 3 pages of memorization and I must say, I killed on the exam..yay..michelle is happy. Not sleeping helps. No, studying helps hah.

Wow. that's pretty much all I have to say. Isn't that sad? no really...I'm trying SO HARD to think of something to say, but theres nothing. Oh god, my life is sad.

Oh okay well I guess I can say this. We talked about Amelie in my theatre class today and I got super happy and my heart started beating really fast. Yay Nino!! But I sorta feel crappy because its like, I'm not really doing anything for my theatre class--I'm only skimming the readings--and its like hello? shouldn't I focus MORE on this class? I'm stupid. But tomorrow I think I'll go to this informational mtg. for film pre-majors. Yeah, that's about it.

But you know what? I don't laugh anymore. I mean, REALLY laugh. It's acutally really depressing if you think about it. I feel like reading holden. And I dunno, I haven't seen sadie in a while but the only time I can laugh is when I talk to her on the phone. In my comm class I always talk about the FB. I guess I keep wanting people to see how cool we are--I dunno, maybe its some kind of reassurance for me or something. I'm sure it's just a manifestation of my self pity though.