the original professor LOVER!

I cant stop laughing. okay so the show 'veronica mars' sometimes tapes at school--and let me just say that when they do, its REALLY annoying bc they cause people traffic--and I just happened to catch an episode today when they show sdsu as her new school & guess who is teaching her first class? Professor Jeremiah Lasky. you will, of course remember him from saved by the bell, the college years. His hair is shorter now, and laced with gray, and he wears no glasses on the show...I almost didnt recognize him except I I could never forget his voice, "kelly, you're smart, sensitive, everything a man could want in a woman..." hahaha thats right before him and kelly cross that ever burdensome teacher-student boundary. well, I guess it wasnt such a burden for them as much as it is for me but I digress. and the whole time I was watching this, I kept thinking, If only Professor Lasky (he goes by professor Landry on this show, although I think I perfer Jeremiah) taught a state!! *sigh*

finally

i'm getting that feeling, michelle.

not necessarily right now though, as i sit on the couch of a close friend who recently received some awful family news. im still trying to make sense of it while my mind vomits now-meaningless anxieties about class sign-ups and presentations. everything meaningful clashes with everday to-do lists, "necessities". what is necessary anyway? what is meaningful? what is "meaningful" and "necessary"? we think we have it all figured out; we think we're doing our best and then it all gets turned upside down.

we have to question ourselves...constantly. this process is deeply personal and we can't pressure others to question their own priorities. we must step back and let them make their own realizations, at their own pace. and this process isn't linear. we don't make realizations that lead upward to a pinnacle of enlightenment or revelation. i think the process is fluid. it's like evolution: we do not evolve to be the "best", we simply evolve to fit our environments.

anyway, about "that feeling". it has visited me recently. i expected disaster at my first Mentorship event as director and was met with pure, heart-warming success. I literally stepped back and watched as 120 beautiful mentees met 120 eager mentors. i stood on the side as the pairs freed "chickens" out of cages and ran around with cups of water on their heads. I explained a game to over 200 people in near silence and watched them play in complete harmony. everything was so balanced and beautiful. and the best part was that i really had no part in it. my mentor-mentee coordinators paired the mentees and mentors with love (30 hours of it) and my program coordinators sweated thought, creativity and natural talent into the day's events. from 5am when we woke up to 4pm when we got in the car, i floated in a daze, awed by the talent and leadership of 8 other people. i couldn't wipe the smile off of my face. i will never know kids like the kids of north hollywood. they are possibly the smartest, sweetest, purest, most polite kids in the entire world and it is an absolute pleasure hanging out with them.

i came home beaten down with fatigue, caked in dirt from the wet grass and stickiness from the high-fives of a hundred kids. my roommates and i created an amazing thanksgiving dinner with chicken, mashed potatoes, corn and green beans, garlic butter corn, green bean casserole, bread, brownies, pumpkin cheesecake with a pecan crust. we cooked and we talked and ate. i felt so warm and even though we never ended up saying our "im thankful..."s all i kept thinking was how thankful i was for the 4 people sitting with me. though almost all of them have graduated and have other lives and other friends, to me they are the people i have been waiting to meet all four years at UCLA. for that i am so incredibly thankful.

we all migrated to the living room to watch "Love Actually". I fell asleep at 9pm to Liam Neison's voice, Bay City Rollers playing in the background. I looked around a little later- everyone else was asleep too. I slept until noon the next morning. i felt guilty and it was glorious.

this is probably the first time i am reflecting on life in several months. and it took something tragic and horrible. i don't want to tell people how to be or how to live but really: stop. reflect. appreciate. it's hard to appreciate when you are running in circles (like i am and i know many of you are). it goes by so fast and then it's over. and it's so uncertain. all we have, all we know, is each moment.

i can't wait to come home and see you guys. i miss and love you.

scones and big hearts.

Yesterday I attempted to make these anise scones. except I didnt know what anise WAS. and so when Sadaf and I were standing over the mixing bowl, we discovered it was black licorice, ick! Lets just say that the anise didnt make it into the bowl. Instead, TONS of flour did. So much so that instead of scones, we ended up with flour cookies! It was a horrible test-run...but at least I know not to follow sadaf's advice about adding flour (haha), and to look up things like anise. Here's hoping batch numero dos turns out better than the first. And if this is any sign of things to come, mine and Sadaf's english tea room isnt looking too good!!:)

But also yesterday, I had the chance to have a 'thanksgiving' dinner with my kids from the middle school at... drum roll please...Hometown Buffet! As much as these kids drive me crazy--they're hyper-hyper active--they really amaze me & have become models to me of human endurance and resilience. They're like normal little kids going through the awkwardness of middle school...and yet they all have stories that will nearly break your heart.

Anyway, does anyone else beginning to feel that feeling one gets around the holidays? I know it can be difficult because right now we're in summer weather, but I get excited about the season and baking and decorating and the whole deal. And I only want hot chocolate or eggnog all the time haha. I loove this season:)

FiLoLi

I am attempting to write something quasi-decent and hopefully happy and light-hearted. The recent melodramatic and basically monosyllabic posts are forgettable, to say the least. It appears that everytime I begin a post, I always bail mid-post because I get disgusted. But I digress.

Today was rather beautiful, I must say. (ease into the goodness with talk of the weather...) and I was sorry having spent it staring longingly out the window as I have been confined to a room in order to write this impossible hum paper. as you can see, things are not going so well as I am actually choosing to blog instead of write it. In any case, yes, beautiful day.

Oh, lately (as in today and yesterday) I've been thinking about what it is that I'm going to do with myself after graduation. I mean, in the case that I'm stranded stateside for awhile, and not living gloriously in some remote town in Europe, I need to make some decisions about where I'm living, what I'll be doing to pay bills, when I'll schedule time to wash my car... things like that. And I'm kinda super excited bc I really want the independence and satisfaction of struggling on your own. At least, this is what my naive mind thinks I want as I sit in the relative comfort of my house with relatively no bills to pay and laundry that always gets done. How will I feel if and when I'm out on my own about the gratification of being on my own, I guess I'll have to see. Have I made any decisions? No, but one can only dream...

Fight the good fight. Love. Live a good life.

unhappy alternative.

It continues to amaze me that I've completely thrown myself in school these last 4 years and yet I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I'm utterly useless. In the eyes of the world, I can't do anything. I'm exceedingly frustrated because I feel like I have a lot to give and I want to contribute. But I doesn't matter because I'm simply not enough. In general, I'm talking about the prospect of my life & in particular, grad school, which I know is dumb that I'm complaining because its such a small, stupid thing and yet...

The way I see it is that I essentially have two options. One, I can teach, be happy and obtain for myself everything I've hoped for. The unhappy alternative is that I fall into work. and work. and despair where I have nothing to hope for except retirement where I can then open a tea room with sadaf.

So I must do this. There's no other choice. And yet, there's nothing I can do to achieve it. the elusive golden ring. the world at large won't allow me to seek the happy alternative. I am unprepared for school & yet can't bear the thought of anything else. so what's left for me? Do I withdraw from the world because its cruel & vapid & has no regard for the humanities? I think, my friends, that the answer to that question is a resounding 'yes.'

How is it that the prospect of my life has turned out to be so bleak? How did I get here?

I take it back: Surrender is totally an option.

Feliz Cumpleanos

Happy Birthday Sadie!! :)

and finally, the FB are all 21!

Bon Anniversaire

<3 Happy 21st Birthday So*Knee*Yah!!<3

I'm suffering through panic attacks. I can't do this. Me and my poor heart can't take it.

Salve amator Cocus!

surrender is not an option.

I'm going crazy. someone freaking save me.

on the sleeve.

My reason for pursuing a graduate degree is truly uncomplicated. My Major emphasis is in European Humanities and minor is in Classics and I had the singular experience in my undergraduate study to be so wholly involved and personally invested in my studies that my life has now been marked by this profound experience. Simply put, I am in love. I am intimately concerned with the human condition, and find particularly delight in examining the heights and falls of man. I marvel at the wisdom of the Ancients, and am moved when I discover their words and step into their world.

I am so much in love that it is impossible for me to not to continue to invest in the lives that came before mine. For like the Ulysses of Tennyson, I consider myself a “gray spirit yearning in desire to follow knowledge like a sinking star, beyond the upmost bounds of human thought.”

I feel that there is still so much I have yet to learn and more that I still desire to understand. I believe that the graduate program in --- could be the means by which I improve my mind. I am particularly impressed with ---. and I hope that I might somehow also contribute to the learning environment at the university. I also hope to pursue interdisplinary work in Medieval Studies, and of course, expand my knowledge of both ancient and modern languages. I am bound by this love.

While my plans fo the future are not yet final, I aspire to remain in the academic realm as an educator. I am deeply committed not only to the process of learning, but also of sharing and preserving. There is a tremendous wealth of knowledge and richness of culture to be found in the study of the Ancient world, and I see it almost as a personal calling to promote its importance in a world that seems determined to forget it.

---

more than a bit rough, but too superfluous?

I feel dead.

my life is a series of small accomplishments and crushing defeats. at the end of the day, I'm just happy I survived.

i had fridays off and i just got a notice that im in a surprise discussion on friday at 8am.

to infinity and beyond!

today I decided to drop comparative literature like a bad habit. I was laboring under a misaprehension and now with french in my schedule, I must say adios to comp lit as both a major and minor.

oddly enough, I don't feel sad or depressed by it. I acutally feel lighter and happy because I suppose I was looking at it as a burdern rather than something worthwhile and exciting. this, of course, doesn't bode well for grad school. but then I always had my doubts about my desire for it.

this DOES mean that I'm graduating on time afterall!! so happy days for me. however, it brings a whole different perspective on the school year because it is my LAST. not five hours ago, graduation was, to me, still two years away. and now its barely eight months. EIGHT MONTHS! so little time, my friends. now I get to look at these eight months with the new eyes as someone getting ready to leave. once again, everything is my LAST something...last time I'll be here, last time I'll see this person etc. and speaking in very broad terms, it all just seems like it holds more meaning. connections are more important, experiences are heavier, everything is infused with finality. but perhaps not just yet.

The person I was entering sdsu and the person I am now are so apart. Not that I've figured anything out about what I'm doing with my life. I only mean that I figured out a lot of different things about myself over the years. I learned how to discipline myself and get serious about school. I learned that all the things I thought I wanted for myself were NOT what I really wanted. I found out that I could really learn something and love it. I learned that it was okay to do something different; something that maybe not everyone could understand or appreciate. and that made me like all the fabulous people who did.

I learned that everyone has their own talents. I was properly humbled. I pushed myself to my limits and learned what being stretched too thin really meant. I learned how to LOVE my independence and especially my silences. I encountered the greatest minds and have been awed by their depth of understanding. I learned how to 'unlock' secrets of a dead language, and fell in lover with a professor.

all this, and my time here is not yet done.

and looking towards graduation is extremely exciting. AFTER graduation is ever better. theres a feeling of freedom and possibility that I just cant wrap my head around...its beyond my realm of comprehension. but man, I FEEL INFINITE. and I havent been able to say that in quite a while.

i think we enjoy pain and misery. they make happiness more real? they make happiness?

vomit

vomit

just call me stupid.

today today was the first day of school. I was made uncomfortable in every class and can someone please tell me why there are so many people who know french in the lowest level class? is it just to make me nervous and unresponsive? bc really, its working. I also said something really stupid in the class that I most need to make the best impression and now I just want the earth to envelope me in a shell. I cant WAIT to get to latin tomorrow for refuge and comfort. I know being uncomfortable is supposed to be a good thing bc you challenge yourself blahblah blah who cares. I like my comfort zone damn it and will hold onto it with my life.

Matisse, Chagall, & Me













what do you do when
you're in a bad mood?

i whine, i sulk, i call and
complain to everyone
i know and then when
there's nothing left to do
i draw.

and then i feel so happy;
I FEEL WONDERFUL.

i feel like crap. i cant stop feeling shitty and its pathetic. i hate myself.

Interesting how some things have changed and some things are still the same. some have changed over and over and over and over again but are still the same?

my hands are sweating because im watching gymnastics.
i went home for a day and a half and it felt like a blurrrrr.
i have work tomorrow morning.

blah blah i forgot how to write
Blaaaaaah

Peas and Carrots

I unexpectedly had a very long chat with AMATOR today in his office and my heart is full of him. I know just how inappropriate the whole thing is, but how how how am I supposed to not lover him when I just want to talk to him forever? As Forest would say, we get along like peas and carrots. And how unfair is it that I should be so much in lover with him and that she found him first?! I'm just saying.

Love letters

at least, that's how I see them.

I've spent the last hour writing and revising an email to AMATOR; the drafts all varied between being super serious, slightly funny, and ridiculously lengthy. they all could have been taken either in the most upfront, innocent light--OR be interpreted to be filled with hidden declarations of love.

I cannot even begin to describe the giddiness I felt on finding the love letter in my mailbox:

Dear Michelle,
>
> I hope that this e-mail finds you well and enjoying the summer--even
> though (or because) you are hard at work in class.
>
> A problem may be in the offing -> It is very likely that Classics
> 496C will not "make."
>
> Classics 320, however, cannot be cancelled (it has 8 students at
> present). Have you already taken 320? We will be reading the Iliad,
> Odyssey, Aeneid, and Apuleius' Golden Ass/Metamorphoses--the first
> three works would be read in 496C as well--and I will raise many of
> the same questions about gender and the status of female deities and
> mortals in 320 as well.
>
> 320 is MW 4:00-5:15. If you have any questions, please ask. If you
> can take 320, I would be delighted to have you in class.


this is how I read it:


Dear Michelle, [he wrote DEAR...I am dear to him...HE LOVERS ME]
>
> I hope that this e-mail finds you well and enjoying the summer--even
> though (or because) you are hard at work in class. [he wants to know how I am and cares about my well being...he LOVERS me!!]
>
> 320 is MW 4:00-5:15. If you have any questions, please ask. If you
> can take 320, I would be delighted to have you in class. [He wants me to keep in contact with him...he MISSES me...he wants me to be a part of his life...HE LOVERS me!]


This is what I ended up writing in response:

Professor ****,

I am more than well, thank you, and hope you are finding time between all
the packing, unpacking and moving around to enjoy the last of bit of
summer.

I am sorry to hear that Classics 496 didn't work out; I was really looking
forward to it this fall. But there is always hope for next time, right?

As for 320, I haven't taken that course and while it sounds fabulous, it
is highly unlikely I will be able take the class this fall as it conflicts
with Humanities 403 on mondays. I think I might replace 496 with either a
Shakespeare or Medieval Lit. course--while not classics, they are pretty
decent substitutions, if I may say so.

Thank you for the email and please send word if anything changes (I'm
keeping fingers crossed because the eternal optimist in me demands it).

See you (hopefully) in the fall,

Michelle


haha you can see the places where I purposely toe the line between student and teacher and assume a relationship.

I could scream!

I am so very annoyed. The last couple of days I havent been feeling well and it would only make sense that I would call in sick to work today. a sneezy/drippy/fatigued/feverish server+ food is not a good thing. health code violation and everything! I am not fit to be serving people and should be banned from the kitchen. this is how I saw the situation. so I try to call in sick. I need to mention here that I've never called off a shift before. I've traded shifts, I've come in late to shifts...but I've never left them short-staffed. And the ONE TIME I try to call off sick--and I'm actually sick--in the whole time I've been working at this place, and it doesnt work. I still end up going in. I went in an hour late and hoped to get off early but no...I end up staying late. And it was a labour intensive night too. I was so upset because I couldnt believe I was working when I was sick. I was sorta hoping someone would get sick from their food and sue the hotel because THEN they would understand that they just cant do things like this. And obviously, this just means I have to call off tomorrow because the bastards didnt give me time to GET BETTER. those unfeeling, selfish bastards. I really really hope they get sued. the whole situation was absurd! I couldnt believe it. everyone else can call off work but I cant? And my excuse is acutally legitimate?!?!? WTF. maybe I should check myself into the emergency room for 'exhaustion' and slap the hotel with my doctors note and say "SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME?!?!" those bastards. honestly, I've covered so many shifts for them--I've rarely said no when they call me on my days off--and this one time, the FIRST time, I actually need them to come through for me and it doesnt happen. ungrateful bastards. I'm NEVER helping them out again. Theres no point because they obviously wont return the favor. I swear I should just scream "I QUIT" to their faces and storm off. They dont deserve me.

sorry for the rant.

the Schedule.

I got into all the classes I wanted so my Fall schedule looks something like this:

Classics 303: Latin Prose
Classics 496: Women in Greek and Roman Literature
Humanites 403: Baroque and the Enlightenment
Political Science 301A: History of Western Political Thought
French 100A Elementary French

As always, I'm more excited about some classes over others. my classics classes will be tons of fun... humanities and polisci this semester have potential to either be really awesome or awesomely painful. And French? well, lets just say I'm far more worried about it than anything else.

in other news: I'm a freaking lazy bum! I really hate it. I'm so UNFOCUSED its ridiculous. I waste my days :(

Happiness is __________________________.

Sometimes I cant help but think that I'm going about this whole business of living the wrong way. Right now, I'm just preparing myself for my life that will someday come to be. eventually. And I ask myself if I feel like I'm living now, in this very moment. I don't quite answer that question; I avoid it by asking another question: Is the reason I feel l like I might not be truly living now because I can't recognize that I'm happy? Am I one of those people who can only tell that they were happy in hindsight, comparing their present state of existence with a rose colored version of the way they think they were 5 days, 5 months, 5 years ago? And does that mean I was really happier then as opposed to now--or do I feel like I might have been happier then because me present condition is far worse?

The problem is that I want the world and I want it now. My impatience gets the best of me and makes me question how I am & how I choose to go about my days.

In P&P, Jane Austen wrote that Lizzy rather knew she was happy than felt it. And I dont think I ever quite understood that statement because I didnt understand how someone could know they were happy without feeling happiness. To me, the knowledge and the feeling of happiness were one and the same.

But I tell myself that the kind of happiness that is worth having isnt made up of the instantenous moments of joy that are so few and fleeting. Its the quiet moments, the safe moments. the sustaining moments. whats better: weeks of relative calmness or a day of excitement? I choose the former. I dont need to reinforce the value of my life by infusing it with hey new super cool experiences that hold little worth to me. For me, it is enough to wake up and know that I would not trade in anything of my life for another's. I KNOW that I am happy with how my life is. I make choices everyday that I can be proud of and that contribute to my continued happiness.

maybe it isnt exciting, or even very memorable...but its my life and I'm content with it. It is enough.

such a cold dreadful fish.

I randomly ran into Amator today at the bookstore and felt an instantaneous jolt of happiness course through my veins. It is he who you love flashed across my very eyes in the moment it took me to process that he was real. Incredibly, I went from a luke-warm, but pleasant, life moment to complete and utter joy. The very occurance of such a reaction amazes me, mostly because I'm pretty much a cold dreadful fish, and that it is my professor who inspires such a reaction almost makes me want to hang my head in shame. almost. Too bad his wife was there to spoil our reunion... I wonder if she suspects anything? No, if I weren't me, I would think it almost impossible.

It's now almost 2AM and I cant get to sleep because I'm still basking in memory...

But something fun:

Certificate of Marriage
This is to certify that
Mr Darcy & Ms Michelle
were married on
July 03, 2006
Marry Your Favorite Character

suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck


wow didnt need the blog for a while huh? comfort safety got my back trust fall empty pit in my stomach emptiness suck

let downs from all sides put in everything get nothing
its the fault of high expectations dont let them materialize or just dont recognize
them

its funny how you can be so emotional about something and then purge it all and afterwards, apathy. being upset longer than you have to is just dumb. go do something about it

but then there are other contexts. curled up in fetal position embracing the pain of your solitude, holding on to it as long as possible

I'm too young for this

so. My piano lesson was a bust, I cant figure out if I'm staying at my job, I can't figure out what would make me most happy in life, and on top of all this, I'm going through my Amator withdrawls. :( If I could, I would make the biggest sad face to go along with my unhappy heart. And all the chocolate chip cookies in the world cant fix me.

I AM enjoying the World Cup--so many soccer players, so little time. I also got a new bookcase which made me happy. But I also became really aware of my stack of books that I have yet to read. It seems to be getting bigger instead of smaller. You'd think that with all this "free time" that I would have made a dent in it. I think this is the part of summer where I start to go insane with the idleness of my life. Sometimes I feel like my whole life is made up of "positives and deltas" that somehow cancel out to one big negative.

And so my desire for travel has once again awakened. Especially during the school year, I think I do a damn fine job in supressing this all encompassing desire to flee to Europe. It really is ridiculous. It's like this tingly itch underneath my skin that ocassionally pulls at the heart strings. Or maybe its this beautiful gold statue in the cave of wonders that holds a gigantic red ruby temptingly...and I would be Abu. If you get that reference, then you are even more fabulous than you realize.

But since I dont have this 100 pound weight on my chest that is sometimes called school, I am unchecked and its dangerous. It makes me want to quit everything here and jump the pond to spend my life in contented isolation and perhaps even a little regret. There are so many things I want for my life that I just dont know what to do. How is it possible that I should have to make decisions like this? Why cant my hardest decision be choosing between mint chip and cherries jubilee ice cream? Easy answer: both! I like making decisions like that; they dont nearly kill me in the process of making up my mind.

so maybe all the chocolate chip cookies in the world cant fix me, but Louis Armstrong & Ella Fitzgerald might do the trick.

idiot.

I royally screwed up at work today. It was pretty horrible and all I can say is that I'm a freaking idiot. And I have also turned in my two weeks notice. I have no idea what I'm going to do, but I think its better for everyone if I just went away.

you pierce my soul.

During this break I've attempted to get through a pile of reading books that were collecting on my floor. I've also been busy baking! And making time to tickle the "ivories." Oh, and let's not forget working and working and working.

I'm really really enjoying all this free time=)

I finished Persuasion and loved it! I will only say that dear Jane delights in giving her heroes uncanny writing abilities, and that Wentworth must yield to Darcy. I also made Sonya watch the BBC movie of it--which was good, but there was not a Darcy jumping into a lake and meeting Elizabeth Bennet fluttering of the heart. And I seriously think they could have done the climax of the book/movie a bit better. but moving on...

I have my first piano lesson in eight years scheduled for next thursday. I have to get somewhat decent by that time. I'm not freaking out quite yet, but I just give me time; I'll be hysterical come thursday evening. I have no idea what I'm thinking because come september I'm not even sure if I can honestly commit the time to practicing.

my baking timer is going off...more on this later.

Salve!

archie the dog who gave me a bisou. SANGRIA. hiding in the bathroom/kitchen because I was nervous/embarassed. trying to find parking for 15 minutes but really just driving around in circles. watching 5 dollar mini-accordian performances. EATING. LOVER being the first to greet me when I arrived. Laughing at the Hi-larry-ass impersonations of Joe and Lover. getting over the initial embarassment of basically wearing a sheet. chocolate covered stawberries. Made a new friend. Gaining approval from LOVER not only for my dessert/wine selection, but I also had the pleasure of calling my work exceptional. Listening to people recite poetry in sometimes different languages. Watching LOVER turn red from embarassment. Casually telling Lover that I love him!(haha I had forgotten about that).
professors genovese, joe and lover

there are so many reasons to laugh...

because I should have known better

so I emailed the instructor thats teaching the french course to see if I could reschedule the final bc the last two days of that course conflict with fall semester @ state, and I was denied. FANTASTIC. I'm pretty bummed bc now its back to 17 units in the fall instead of my relaxing 15. I also decided to take the baroque and enlightenment class (remember this ashley?) instead of classical lit with lover. But it doesnt look like I'll have time to tutor next semester? we'll see.

revised:
: French 100
: Class496- Women in Classical Lit (w. LOVER!)
: Hum 403- Baroque and Enlightenment
: Class303- Latin
: PoliSci 301- History of Westen Political Thought
: Class599- Tutor credit

Because I can't help it...

My wishlist for Fall 2006 :
: Class 303- Latin Prose
: Class 320- Classical Lit (w/ LOVER!)
: Class 310- Classical Myth
: Hum 310- French Civ.
: French 201- Readings in Francophone Culture
: Class 599- Tutoring credit

I'm not completely satisfied with it (oddly enough I dont have any comp lit or core humanites classes) but I'll make do. I also just found out that my summer school class will conflict with regular school. they will overlap for the first two days of the semester...A-MAZING. I could just ditch french this summer in favor of myth with lover professor's wife and then in the fall I could TA for myth and take french then. I cant make decisions... I freaking hate it.

today I was drinking coffee at work when I noticed that there was a dead bug floating in it. mmm...yummy!! its weird to me that the whole hotel is basically being run by a twenty-somethings. and tonight, it was definitely a bunch of us girls running things--and we made the best pizza:)

next saturday is the toga party. and yes, we really get decked out in togas...I mean, I'm pretty sure its a requirement or something to own a toga. man. I love the dept:) and I honestly can't help but think about sadaf and how much she'd LOVE it (her being a big fan of themed parties and all). I'd like to go but not...but then as our president pointed out to me, it's a chance for me to see lover professor drunk (!). I doubt it'll happen, but it paints a hi-larry-ass picture in my head, and at the very least I'll get to see him in a more relaxed environment, possibly with his wife--and with that, nothing else needs to be said! oh sick man.

this whole nonsensical post is really an attempt on my behalf to delay the writing of papers. I just don't understand why they wont write themselves!

for laughs!

Because my posts have been on the depressing side of things, something fun. So I usually study in these cubicle desk things in the library and I had just finished a book when I decided to take a bathroom break. I took my backpack with me--it had my wallet and phone etc--but left some of my books in the cubicle to save my place. During this break I was calling my sister and I dont know WHAT happened, but after I used the potty I left. as in, I left the library and went home. And it took me three hours to figure out that--OH CRAP!--I dont have my books and OMG they are still in the cubicle!!! needless to say I FLIPPED OUT. but haha it was still in the cubicle when I got there some 3.5 hrs after I took my "break." how did I not realize that I had left my things? No idea. I'm such an idiot! : )

I made a decision: I'm graduating spring 2008. and that's all I have to say about that.

Old Machiavelli, Old Sport

"But when evening comes I return home and go into my library...I enter the antique courts of the great men of antiquity. They receive me with friendship; from them I derive the nourishment which alone is mine and for which I was born. Without false shame I talk with them and ask them the causes of their actions; and their humanity is so great they anser me.For four long and happy hours I loose myself in them. I forget all my troubles; I am not afraid of poverty or death..."

crushed...

I think I jinxed myself by blogging about how excited I was about the summer. My whole fantasic, RELAXING, lazy six weeks of summer have now been snatched out of my desperate hands. who knew that I could despise French? I never would have thought it possible, and yet it has stolen the freedom of my summer and will condemn me to the poor houses in the fall. AND I dont get to have class with lover professor's wife...I only bring lover up because he has been missing from the blog for a while and what better time to sicken the hearts and minds of my dear readers than the present? Lately, my obsession has reached a ridiculousness that even I could not have predicted, and, in truth, was completely unprepared for. I'm a little worried. but enjoying every moment with lover:) AH I'M A SICK MAN!!!!!

anyway. I'm rushing headlong into some unhappiness and disappointment and I cannot, for the life of me, figure out what is the less painful of the two courses. And of course I'm freaking out about this NOW instead of worrying about my upcoming FINALS. oh bugger. oh bugger bugger!

breaking down

it's all too much right now... i cant handle it
if youre crying more than 3 times in one day something is wrong

ahhhh

i am sooooooooo stressed. HaHahahahahhahaHaHahHahaHa.
(just needed to laugh it off)
(because i am SO ridiculously stressed out)
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

uncertainty

is the theme of life right now and also my biggest nemesis. i don't handle uncertainity very well. i pretend to embrace it, talk about how it makes life exciting. i don't want to know where i'll be in ten years, who i'll be married to, what i'll be doing and where. living means not knowing, but i'm all talk. oh how i long to know where i'll be living and working this summer and next year. i long to have everything with mentorship just w o r k o u t. i don't want to go through that process where the uncertain gradually fills itself out and takes form. stress is defined by those gaps and stress....sucks.

it's funny how much joy a candle can bring me. last friday i stole this candle holder from a restaurant and when i light the candle inside of it exotic shadows dance across the walls. it emits the warmest orangeish glow too. every night i turn all of the lights off, turn my lanterns on and light this candle and just take a few minutes to relax. it helps.

i wish i had more time to think lately. i have many thoughts on the protest (500,000 people!), on that amazing stand against APATHY. it's refreshing to see people gathered and marching for something they believe in, something they are angry with. people ought to be angry. oppressed people ought to be dissatisfied and speaking out. free speech really is a beautiful gift and we should all be taking greater advantage of it.













i also wanted to think and write more about how i did the Invisible Children global night commute last weekend but the words have escaped me. i walked with 200 other people from the Federal Building to Santa Monica City Hall where we joined 2000 others. we spent the night there and walked home 11 blocks, only to give in and hop on the big blue. i mean, the kids can get on the bus too, right? yeah and pick up coffee bean on the way to their couches where they crash and take three hour naps. well it was not totally but was still mostly guilt-appeasing. i hope someone somewhere heard us.















Cacao is open until three. everyone there knows everyone there. if you're new the man looks at you skeptically and he whacks something three times with every cup of coffee he brews. May I recommend the hazelnut-flavored drink. caffeine and swirling secondhand smoke, Kid A softly bouncing off the tabletops. the cancer causing atmosphere; overpriced tea

radiohead and elliott smith

summer loving

summer is almost here and I'm getting pretty excited about it. I actually have about 1.5 months to enjoy at my leisure! I shall read my stack of unread treasure, take piano lessons(?), study for GRE, take GRE, wash my car, visit disneyland/california adventure, take a ride on a wine train....

but I'll see how it goes:)

some of the boys from the middle school.

jenny and I on the boat

how could i have ever been so blind

the craziness continues.... studying/being a student seem so.... unnecessary right now. don't tell my parents that. but really.. with everything else i've gotten myself into it hardly seems like i'm a student. art history seems so far removed from reality, from everything else i'm doing with my life.

-mentorship continues to dominate... in the best way possible, of course, but it dominates nonetheless. it also gives my life meaning though and pretty much defines me now (scary).
- current internship is hanging around like old socks (the analogy doesn't work but i'll go with it). it's kind of like the socks in your drawer that are holy or stretched out but you keep them in there and ocassionaly wear them but more than anything they just take up space
-future internship (or interviewing for it, at least) is giving me nightmares
-future apartment stuff is on my mind and not in a good way
-independent research project and presenting it may 12th at UCLA (ahh so soon)
-ring dance the weekend after that
-the student group for educational advocacy that me and 5 other people are trying to start up... this means weekly meetings and extra meetings with our professor.. and lots of thinking
-art exhibition that me and anj and planning in our minds... that's about to get a lot crazier as soon as it's okayed (crossing fingers)

i think my head is going to explode now.
-

no time... there's never any time

another insanely busy week begins. 9am-10pm every night.... when will i study? read?
this quarter is insane. time isnt just slipping through my fingers; it's disintegrating at light speed. mentorship is crazy; my education class... internship taking up hours and hours, superfluous. certain activities bring you to where you currently are but then they hang around like something old and useless. i tried thinking of a cool analogy but it didn't work. there's so little time (god i feel like jessie). i already know this week will pass with a blink-- mentorship, assessments, SEA meetings, art history lectures, 4 magical hours (im pathetic and overeager) and then it's retreat and an interview. i have to prepare for that too.... a lot. i hope i'm enjoying it all. i'm not not enjoying it but i just need some more time to process how great it all really is. maybe i need to go to yoga, buy some time. instead i end up doubling my treadmill speed so i can get my run in in under five minutes. is that living?

And now for something new.

I hope no one minds that I changed the layout and I allowed for titles as well! Sincere thanks to Sal for making our winter inspired theme! After so many years, I thought we could give this one a go once again...

otherwise, nothing much going on this end. at least, nothing blog-worthy. My life is so unentertaining.

I think I'm pretty upset. or something. Disappointed maybe is the better word. anyway, I'm taking time to write this out because I'm feeling more than mediocre and cant focus until I sort all these dumb feelings out.

So I applied for this honor society--and got rejected. whatever I DONT FREAKING CARE but I just think that just beause I'm not involved on campus doesnt mean I'm not involved. And I dont think that being involved on campus should count more than being involved in the community. I'm sorry that I dont WASTE MY TIME on dumb things that I dont care about. I'm sorry I dont commit myself and my time on things just because they are convenient for me. I get involved because I freaking care--so maybe I havent dont a MILLION activities, but I have a greater appreciation and a more personal connection to what I'm involved with.

So what if I'm bitter about this. I understand that rejection is part of life and that yes, part of it IS my fault but honestly, I hate hate hate this feeling. I hate feeling less than...I can just add this experience to my stack of rejections that are far greater than any pseudo-accomplishments of mine. It'll serve a whole new purpose of reminding me of the uselessness of me.

Well now I'm off to write some papers for some abstract goal of getting good grades that will in turn mean nothing.

life is so stupid sometimes. okay that was a lie, I shouldnt take this out on life because it is a wonderful thing. and that, my friends, is the happy ending to this stupid post.

"fucking mountains. they're gonna be there for the rest of ever."

A glance back at Spring Break~~

(+) i managed to read 2 books and finish marquez
(-) the scattered unread chapters of my education books remain scattered and unread... which means that i have yet to come up with a research topic.
(-) i didn't read two thirds of the books i dragged home from LA
(+) i slept, read, and ran at the beach and i visited tp almost as many days as i did not visit tp
(+) i saw the people i care about
(+) i spent some time in balboa park with my grandparents
(+) i spent time with my mom and i bought a dress that i FREAKING LOVE
(-) after waking up at 6 the first two days i woke up at 11 the next five days
(+) i saw "me and you and everyone we know" and it was pretty good
(+) i sent out my cover letter/resume to my internship of choice
(+) i made a phone call that i had been putting off for several months
(+/-) i realized that i suck and basically failed at something that i love and care about
(+) i decided that from now on, things will be different
(-) i haven't actually figured out how i'm going to make that happen
(+) i ate

Spring Break Observations~~

After finishing Marquez I felt like I had lived one hundred lives or one hundred years at the least. The most memorable detail-- the swarm of fluttering yellow butterflies that foreshadowed the coming of Mauricio Babilonia ... that image smells thicker than perfume to me and remains etched where my eyeballs meet my brain. It creeps me out in the nicest way possible.

Torrey Pines is never, ever the same and the ocean is one thousand shades of blue. And indeed "there are not enough colors in the pastel box" to recreate the ocean-- a poignant observation.

Also, sand dollars are treasures. Here's the anecdote my mom claims I have told her at least a dozen times since elementary school: One day during "show and tell" or some variation on it a boy brought in a whole sand dollar (I had yet to see one that was not broken). He cracked it in front of our class and proudly freed five little eagles that had apparently been hiding inside. I thought it was amazing and ever since I have had a deep fascination with sand dollars.
Another, sadder anecdote: Last year I was walking at Torrey Pines with my grandmother who was visiting from Russia. I saw a sand dollar-- a WHOLE UNBROKEN one-- gently picked it up and ran to her, excited to share my rare finding. She took it in her hand and destroyed it with a single crush of her fingers. I love my grandma and I've since gotten over it but when it happened I cried and cried.


The Jewel of Black Mountain is a surreal place. It should be a crime to live here and not realize that you are a member of the ultra-privileged Upper Middle Class and that you belong to the Top 1% of Luckiest People Alive. If you don't realize how good you have it then you might as well be dead. You should also realize that you can only have it so good because other people have it so bad and you should feel terrible and guilty and should be inspired to do something about it, at least with the purpose of relieving your anxiety if not to actually better someone else's life. I should not tell people what they should do or think but you know we all do it (but only some of us admit to it).

I'm going to try to live in some other countries so I can learn those languages so I don't live the rest of my life in regret. Then I'm going to return to The Land of the Free and single-handedly reform the public education system and all of those inequities plaguing urban schools. I may not get married or have any children. It's sad when women want to make the world a Better Place but then cash in their dreams for a husband, for security. How many goals have gone unrealized? How much progress has been abandoned because of....? People say one feels differently when he (or she) is in love.

Some marriages are good? I remain unconvinced.
Settling is disgusting.

i know why i love san diego. it's not just because the air smells and feels better or you can actually park when you need to. it's because in san diego i read; i think and discuss; i hike and watch the ocean and enjoy tiny little moments. life is slowed down here. i've recently been reminded of how much i love reading... how just a sentence can give me such a distinct feeling in my stomach-- and how a single sentence can for some reason remind me of a very distinct moment in my life. i love that my skin in sticky with sunblock and that my eyelashes are caked in sand. i like that i've already read five of salinger's nine stories and half of "lives on the boundary".

i know it's not just about san diego. obviously when i come here i don't have to study and i don't have to work and i am awarded freedom and comfort. so it's all of that of course but it's also more. i wouldn't feel the way i do now if i had a free week in LA. it's strange to think this is my first time back in three months. i go used to being away but now that i'm back i keep getting slapped around by this strange nostalgic force. it's little things like my sister's snappy comments, red caviar in the fridge and the collaged wall of my ruined photography prints, some way underexposed, others flaked with dust. i miss the familiar noise of my family bickering.. their ability to drive me insane with impatience in a matter of seconds. i've allowed myself, or forced myself, to forget about all these terrible things that in this moment seem strangely beautiful.

when i sit in this room i feel who i was at thirteen and sixteen and eighteen, before i left. and now it's my sister's room so i feel her too, sitting in the very places i once sat, probably crying late at night in the same bed where i cried at night when i felt the weight of EVERYTHING. every room, every corner of every room, is so ingrained in my visual memory and the sight of it all overwhelms me. i cried my first morning home and i couldn't explain why, not even to myself. i guess i'd like to think that wherever i go i bring myself with me but in reality, there is so much of me left here. i've adjusted to LA, i've created the me i am when i'm there but still, when i'm here i feel like this is who i truly am. annoyed, impatient with my sister, depressed by the arguments that are repeated over and over and over, but also uninhibited, safe, free to feel and explore.

and right now it's raining so i'm going to take one of the dozen books i vowed to read, sink into our ten year old green leather couch with a cup of something and let the arms of my house wrap themselves around me.

Waiting for a Lover
Sandra Cisneros

And what if you don't arrive?
And what if you do?
I'm so afraid
I cross my fingers,
make a wish,
spit.

You're new.
You can't hurt me yet.
I light the candles.
Say my prayers.
Scent myself with mangoes. (!)


I like the possibility of anything,
the little fear I feel
when you enter a room.
I haven't a clue of the who of you.

my 14-karat hoops and my velvet spikes.
Smoke two cigars.
I'm doing loopity loops.

Listen--cars roar by. All night.
I'm waiting for the one that stops.
All my life. Listen--
Hear that?
Yikes.

I feel my heart swell in my chest. thank you dear friends! (and one lover) :)

esdofm[akUGGHH0wi-0*&^$%#&)@j! MEHHH!!!

in other news, i love my friends?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICHELLE!!

haven't had much inspiration to post... and it must be because i've been ridiculously happy lately. that phrase almost makes me want to vomit but it's true, i think. i haven't had much to complain about this quarter i suppose. my classes were all very easy and one of them was even enjoyable! i've had an amazing time opening up my eyes to all of the inequities of education and racking my brain trying to discover what I can do about it. The comfort of easy classes allowed me the pleasure of having fun and not being the stressed-out maniac I too often am. Unstressed people are just more fun to be around. There is of course also a downside to having easy classes... constantly feeling like a waste of life, like wasted potential withering-away... that uncomfortable feeling of losing brain cells. an unfufilled desire to be challenged. but the dumbness of psych classes let me put my intellectual energy into ed this quarter... so i at least had some kind of outlet. as for other stuff... the last two weekends were great. i chose to anticipate rather than stress and everything turned out way better than fine... turned out really really well and I just feel guilty and lucky to be so content right now. oh i also just finished finals so that might explain the annoyingly giddy tone of this post. i'm going home to san diego tomorrow morning and i can't wait to take in that first breath of san diego air. mmmm i have high hopes for the break. i want to READ, mainly. I plan to read: the remaining chapters of my education books (to brainstorm ideas for a research project next quarter), marquez, gogol, chekhov, other russian guys, and i want to pick up some sartre and marx. i'm also going to apply for internships, contemplate life, see my friends (who I miss too much :( ), hang out with sallysal!, and just BE at torrey pines, in my backyard, at balboa park, in the canyon, at cowles mtn, even at freaking VONS in PQ... I just miss everything- almost everything- about san diego. this quarter was too good but i CANT WAIT TO SEE MY FRIENDS. SEE YOU SOON my loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I shouldn't be posting bc I have a ton of reading to do. yaaay spring break! still, this is something that I've been thinking about for quite a long time and I thought I might as well put it here.

It seems that I can never choose between literature and art history. remember when I had that whole debate about picking between them for my minor? comp. lit eventually won out, and I have thus far dedicated myself to it whole-heartedly. but it seems that I will have to choose between them again for grad school. I know that seems odd bc I have yet to take an art history class and how can someone expect to focus on that in grad school having nothing to show for it in undergrad? but surprisingly enough, it's possible.

basically it comes down to two things:
1) I can abandon my pursuit of latin and literature to focus on art conservation. Then run away to europe and become the lover of its old buildings.
2) I can focus on teaching. I'm toying with the idea of doing either medieval or renaissance studies so I can put latin to some use. But I also enjoy a good british novel. and perhaps some translating.

I can't help but think that I am perhaps enticed by art history because it's something new. But I know that I could never walk away from latin. and in order to do one of the above, must I, must I abandon the other?

I know that enjoy reading. And I like not being limited to literatures specific to a country. I like that I can read a little bit of everything, even if it is in translation. I like the idea that I could someday know enough of a language to actually read it as it was originally written. If something interests me, I could read forever.
I love Latin. I like that it's frustrating and time consuming. I like putting effort into translations. I like the feeling of accomplishment and love the end result. I think it is invaluable and would like to share its worth.
I love old buildings. I have a secret desire to run around the world, restoring them. I love the way they smell.

I've been told that I have too many interests. It has been suggested that I should find a subject to study. I have worried that my inability to make a decision means that I have no true passion to devote my life. but those are the things I love and will continue to enjoy for the rest of my life. so how is it possible that I should choose amongst them?

In the chaos of these last weeks, I had completely forgotten about SPRING BREAK. And it was such a wonderful surprise to come out of class and realize that I had absolutely nothing to do. The air felt fresher and lighter and crisper and wow it was a happy moment. Granted, I have work in about 2 hours but this next week I have no obligations and I will take this freedom and run with it!

I almost died in my midterm today. I was freaking out during the exam and when I get like that I panic and feel overwhelmed, even when I know the information (temporarily at least). I was fighting this huge internal battle right in the middle of class! Staying calm could quite possibly be the hardest thing for me to do successfully.

I think I'm freaking insane. For the last 15 minutes I've debated whether or not I should go to this lecture. Main reason not to go: I have to study for a midterm. Main reason to go: my lover professor is going to be there with his wife. Okay, maybe not his wife, but it just goes to show how warped my mind is because it decided she was going to be there. and what's worse, I kept trying to justify going. If I sat through it and did a write up, I'd get extra credit. And I need all the extra credit I cant get. And it was only going to be an HOUR long lecture, and I knew I wasn't going to start studying right away anyway. Me blogging right now is case in point.

On the other hand, I didn't want to seem like an extra-credit hog and I probably wouldnt see him anyway without making it LOOK like I was trying to find him and even if I did, he and his wife (!) would just distract me. And I would just be creating extra work for myself. omg omg!! Im so crazy. I literally walked circles around campus because I couldn't decide on what I should do. I've slowly come to realize that I can't make any decision by myself. I think the main reason why I call people is to get a second opinion (or maybe a 1st) on something that I'm undecided on. I'm so dependent! I can't make choices! I can't think for myself! I seriously dont understand how I've lived this long.

I swear I should have given up stalking my professor for lent.

7 things to do before I die:
1. Reform education
2. Travel
3. Live in a different country
4. Become good at art
5. Fall in love
6. Become fluent in Russian, Spanish, and French (and Italian!)
7. Read more

7 things I cannot do:
1. Wink
2. Whistle
3. Believe in god
4. SETTLE
5. Be anorexic
6. Stay in one place for a long time
7. Live without my friends

7 things I say most often:
1. Just kidding (except not)
2. Like
3. For sure
4. I think
5. Uh...no
6. Definitely
7. Cool

7 books I love:
1. Master and Margherita
2. Catcher in the Rye
3. Pablo Neruda's poetry
4. The Little Prince
5. The Things They Carried
6. Dandelion Wine
7. Anything Dr. Seuss

7 movies I can watch over and over again:
1. Love Actually
2. The Graduate
3. Good Will Hunting
4. Life is Beautiful
5. Amelie
6. Bend it Like Beckham
7. Love Story

Ashley tagged me, and so here it is...

7 things to do before I die:
1. Travel.
2. Live/work/play in Europe
3. Master at least 6 languages
4. Learn how to play the piano
5. Learn how to not hit people
6. Love unselfishly
7. Own a house in San Diego

7 things I cannot do:
1. Sell out
2. Kill a person
3. Live away from the ocean
4. Run for President
5. Be bored with my life
6. Give up stalking!
7. Live without chocolate

7 things I say most often:
1. Um
2. Uh
3. Like
4. You know
5. Seriously
6. Dude
7. I dont' know

7 books I love:
1. Pride and Prejudice
2. The Little Prince
3. Catcher in the Rye
4. House of Mirth
5. the B.F.G (Big Friendly Giant)
6. Bible
7. ? to be determined.

7 movies I can watch over and over again:
1. Pride and Prejudice (1995 BBC)
2. Amelie
3. Before Sunrise/Sunset
4. Bridget Jones' Diary
5. A League of their own
6. My Best Friend's Wedding
7. Sisterhood of the traveling pants

.EVERYONE WHO JUST READ THIS IS TAGGED:)

paper due, cruise, mentorship, visitor, mentorship, visitor, final, final, finals, paper paper... spring break. time is going to fly by

for some reason I've been really lazy the last couple of days. and I have no idea why. I don't even feel like I'm burnt out...as much as I just feel a bit frustrated. Things aren't coming to me quite as easy and I think it may just be that I'm a bit UNFOCUSED. And try as I may to show some discipline, my mind is just far too distracted to be of any use to me.

I'm getting my eyes checked tomorrow and I'm more than a little afraid. for reasons I can't explain, I'm worried about what they will tell me. I know its dumb because I already know I'm going blind. And I absolutely blame school for the deterioration of my eyes. If I didnt have to always be reading or on the computer for hours on end, I would still have functioning eyeballs. But isn't it strange to one day realize that your body is abandoning you? it IS strange, isnt it? I always knew this would happen eventually but I was really hoping that it would be at a time of my life where, you know, it wouldn't affect me as much. And now the way I live my life could be potentially changed by the information they tell me tomorrow. I know this happens to a lot of people and that its not a big deal...but what else am I but a sum of irrational fears?

my freaking birthday is coming up and the difficulty of planning makes me almost want to run away.

I did something bad: I told another person at school about how I lover amator. My big mouth is going to get me into trouble...

ETS: I found out today that Amator wont be my Latin professor next fall. boo. BUT he will be my Classical Lit professor. yay! :)

oh the longing
haha

30 copies and 6 dollars later, my application is nicely tucked away in that office. now all I have to do is wait...and you may well know that I'm not a very patient person. and I must admit that I was seriously thinking about ripping open AMATOR's recommendation. Flimsy, threadbare paper was keeping me from knowing what and how he thinks of me. Let me say, the temptation was very real as I sat there with the envelope held up to the light! But I applaud myself for forcing him to think of me outside class. hee.

I sound so very pathetic.

Which reminds me of this book I just finished reading. In it, theres this boy who lovers this girl but she's engaged to another boy. I guess I shouldnt say 'boy' or 'girl' because they could be mistaken for like, a nine year old girl with a limp and a 10 year old boy who asks if he smells like fish. MMM What was I saying again? oh, so these people are like grown ups. Anyway he writes about how much he lovers her and how its hopeless yada yada yada. Sometimes its pretty hilarious & others pathetic to the point where you just shake your head at this poor guy's foolishness. But more often than not, I felt like I could see bits of me in his psychotic behaviour towards this unobtainable person. I was maybe just a little bit freaked out. And was beyond mortified when it all ended in his suicide. it made me feel wonderful about myself.

But how much do I lover Daniel Vosovic? THIS MUCH.

Oh yes, and I'm sick. It sucks & I'm totally using it to my advantage tomorrow when I decide not to go to class. I hadn't even thought about ditching class because most of the time I actually want to be there (shocker) but I just feel overall pretty crappy so I can do whatever I want damnit AND get away with it:)

I love tutoring! Maybe because its a boost to my ego, but I think, and desperately hope, that I love tutoring because of the kids. They are hilarious, or hi-larry-ass. but I just wish that it werent so loud. my throat was hurting before I even got there and all the screaming(me) wasnt helping. I still worry about being effective. But the funny thing that happened today was, I was teaching on the white board and it just hit me, a strange and startling feeling that I actually stopped what I was saying and turned to the other tutor who was watching me. Apparently we both had the same thought: I TEACH like AMATOR. Not surprising I suppose given that everything I know about Latin I know from him, but its just funny how you are suddenly aware of yourself.

I remember saying something about not talking about AMATOR anymore... so no more! I promise.

(ick, i just realized the first line on our blog was very negative so i'm going to replace it)

I hereby extend Valentine's Day from significant others to all family and friends...

Happy Valentine's Day!
i love you, friends.

i'm pretty disappointed with several of my relationships. i am so disconnected. i am so busy; i don't leave myself time to think anymore. to think about others, think about myself. i just do things and go places and fall asleep and wake up over and over again. it's like i'm doing all this stuff but i'm not living. personally, i feel like im living the most when i give myself time to think through and process everything that's going on. during the summer when i wrote down everything i saw, felt and thought of i knew without a doubt that i was living. right now i am just passing time. i'm passing time well, but i'm still just passing time. taking time to talk with my dad tonight i was brought back to reality, or at least one kind of reality... it's easy to distract yourself.

so anyway, i don't want to get married. i've seen with my own heart the toll that marriage takes on people. the five years of happiness weighed against 15 years of pain. it isn't worth it, not to me at least. i'm not going to get married. or if i ever do, it will take a lot of thinking and a very very very very special person. i don't know what i mean by 'special'... i dont even mean being in love. i mean.... i dont know. as of now i cant imagine the characteristics a potential husband would even have. i just dont want to get married i really dont want to. luckily i dont have to.

what else is on my mind... education. i love my ed class i want to be in it all day long. i make my papers 5 pages too long. i keep researching different ed/arts ed programs online.. not like college programs but just programs they have for inner-city kids. i dont even give a fuck if my family doesnt support me. i dont know if they could ever understand what i feel and what i am compelled to do and change. i have to give this a lot more time and thought. i need to make more time to think.

i love mentorship, but what else is new?

and lastly, a dylan line to wrap up all of my usual frustrations: how many times can a man turn his head and pretend that he just doesn't see?
... something to think about


goodnight

last night's laziness produced this morning's failure.

I feel sick. I made a batch of cookies earlier and throughout the day I've managed to eat all of them. ugh barf. I'm trying to fight my laziness. I dont know how other people can stay productive for so long. I dont get it. My mind is just so completely unfocused. Even now, my blogging is an excuse to not do homework. The paper in front of me is blank except for all around the margins where I've scribbled and doodled nonsense. I'm a waste to society!

I get to tutor tomorrow and I'm excited. The kids really keep me on my toes--and they are just HILARIOUS. But its difficult for me to explain things in a way they can understand. Bernardo is my little project. He's painfully shy so he doesnt always let me know when he doesnt understand something. And because there are soo many kids, they tend to mess around and not focus, which is another difficulty because the tutor session is 7th period when everyone gets out after 6th period. Still, I enjoy it.

this was a rather pointless post.

I <3 Daniel Vosovic!

i've hit a low point.

Today was my first day at the middle school. And to my surprise, I am going to be more of a Latin tutor than anything else--and thats beyond awesome:) I tried helping this kid Bernardo with his vocab for a test tomorrow, but I think I just confused him. Poor guy. I really really hope he does well. I worry about being effective because it takes a lot to say that yes, I am going to be a person of some value to this kid. that I have it in me to impart some knowlege, to guide, to teach. that I CAN HELP YOU. what a concept. really. I definitely see the need for them to have tutors...and I think that yes, we can help them. But its honestly such an undertaking. I mean, they are trusting us and depending upon us and so I think the least we can do is be ever attentive and strive to make them understand. more than anything, we can believe in them. and what they can do, and what they will accomplish. These kids have so much going for them right now, it's pretty incredible.

but this week is going to be crazy...I dont even know where to begin. school/tutor/school. school/work. school/tutor. school/work. work. and saturday is my day to fall into a hole and not to come out again unless to see my shadow.

wooo this good mood has lasted far too long and honestly, im starting to get nervous. i loooove ed. i love reading, discussing, listening to my prof, watching movies on it, writing our survey, and especially (yes i already said it) discussing. i love laughing with mentorship committee!!! apokfseopdvk[ this is just such a good quarter. bleh verbal vomit of giddiness. this quarter's the worst academically but its the best in everything else. i feel like for 2 years i was surrounded by blaaah people and all of a sudden i like everyone. but maybe i just see things differently??

last summer. i was thinknig/talking about it today and i feel so DISCONNECTED from it, just as i felt disconnected from my life here while i was there. but man, RUSSIA, my grandma, cousins, walking around, museums. being lost and free and so happy. i think that will forever be the best time of my entire life. honestly, and i know this sounds dumb and i shouldnt say stuff like this, but i feel like i could die right now and be satisfied because ive had so many happy moments. i mean, it would be horrible because there is so much more i want to do (not just for myself but hopefully for others as well) but if i had to then i would say... yes, i have lived a wonderful fulfilling life. and i am just so LUCKY

that's what it is really. it's LUCK. lucky that i dont have AIDS that im not deformed or sick or abused. it's all luck and that's why anyone's problem is everyone's problem. that's why educational inequality is my problem even though i went to a nice rich school for white people. we're all responsible so well someone's gotta do it doesnt cut it. we all have to

the detrimental effects of valentines day on couples in deteriorating relationships. what crap. deteriorating relationships. what about stagnant ones? what about falling asleep in someones arms once a year

what about pablo neruda.
JUST SOME pieces of different poems:
"mis pies tocan tus pies y mi boca tus labios.....
....
suben tus hombros como dos colinas,
tus pechos se pasean por mi pecho,
mi brazo alcanza apenas a rodear la delgada
linea de LUNA NUEVA que tiene TU CINTURA"

"hoy el mar tempestuoso
nos levanto en un beso
tan alto que temblamos
a la luz de un relampago..."

AAAND
"su suavidad venia
volando sobre el tiempo,
sobre el mar, sobre el humo,
sobre la primavera,
y cuando tu pusiste
tus manos en mi pecho,
reconoci esas alas
de paloma dorada,
reconoci esa greda
y ese color de trigo"


WOW im melting : )

two posts in one morning!

I'm sitting in the library, and just across the way is this adorable older gentleman who somewhat resembles the (current) Pope:) After watching him for a few minutes, because I'm creepy that way, I have a lot of admiration for him (I think he's a student) going back to school--he's pondering mathematical equations. But I dont say that in any mean way, I think it takes a lot of courage--more than I can ever hope to have in my cowardly body.

Anyway, to the purpose of this post. 2 things really:

1) AMATOR informed my class about a FANTASTIC teaching opportunity. The details as yet are a bit sketchy, but apparently classics students are need to teach at a local middle school. I'm still assuming its Latin related, as it is connected with the Cajon Valley Latin Project, but it might just deal with, specifically, Roman civilization & history. In any case, I'm WAY EXCITED...joy!! :)

2) AMATOR lovers me. I said, I said, that the reason he couldnt remember my name was because he secretly lovers me!! ...and if not lover, and if not some distant form of affection, then at least, I hold some prominence over his interactions amongst his students. It was such balm to my bruised ego & proof of my assumptions! :D

after having my hopes crushed through a single email by a person who, I had forgotten, can sometimes be a jerk, I am well again. or at least my fits have left me and my mind is as clear as I can ever hope to expect it. And I'll need all the help I can get for this semester.

Natural Disasters: I was thinking about dropping, but then decided to take it CR/NCR but changed my mind again because, and this will make me sound like a person only concerned with grabbing credits & grades, but I need the gpa points. I've been told that gpa is not as important as I think it is but trust me, I'm not brilliant enough to get anywhere based on my own personal charm (another thing that I sorely lack).

Classical Civ: Such a fun class because the professor, Smith, is hilarious. He makes 2.5 hours go by quickly, and I'm not even tired when I get out late at night. Im already half in love with the class simply based on the texts.T here must be something in the water because the classics and hum professors are just the greatest, funniest people with such interesting lives

Euro Romanticism: I wasn't too excited about this class because I had just taken BRITISH Romanticism and sadly enough, it didn't live up to my expectations. But I'm surprised by how much I can, not only tolerate, but enjoy this class considering the heaving reading of Goethe & Rousseau. The thing that makes it so much better is the discussion. In both my prev. ENG and COMP LIT classes, for some reason, it seemed like the discussion was stifiled.

Renaissance: I <3 my Hum professor, Skwara. But not in the same way that I lover my Latin professor. I nearly cried his first lecture...for reasons that are both hard to explain and would put me up for ridicule, and so I shall not attempt an explanation. It should suffice to say that I'm so excited for all that I have yet to learn from him:)

LATIN: I saved the best for last:) Except that there's not much to say! Everything is just as it was, save the class has shrunk considerably...theres only 12 of us. but I theres 2 people that are in a couple of my other classes, and that makes me feel like I have friends or something. haha. My Professor is as lovely as ever...if only bad with names. And I honestly, truly love Latin...for more than the professor. But I personally get so much out of it, and it means a lot to me... and that should be enough to silence all the nay-sayers.

Other than all this, I dont have a lot of time for anything else, much less my FRIENDS. I miss you dearly.

toasted wheat bread, melted herb havarti, tomato, sprouts.

life passes faster and faster with each day. i haven't posted because i haven't had time to process everything that's been happening.

i'm happy overall, i think. i'm better-adjusted? i'm more social; i'm more assertive. i'm happy but i'm a bad student. i'm a bad student in 4 out of 5 of my classes but i love education. every week i look forward to the 4 monday morning hours where i get to learn something that actually matters, and in a way thats very very conducive to really truly LEARNING. i'm slowly finding something that matters to me. but psych is becoming increasingly more obselete.

i have something to look forward to in march.

i miss my friends, the ones that write (or don't) on this blog. i want to hear about everything in their lives for hours and hours and hours.

i've started too many sentences with too many i's. oh well. i love mentorship, especially the kids. they're smart, witty, hilarious, energetic. tonight is m-ship potluck and karaoke. i've found people that i fit with. we believe in the same things and laugh at the same things and it's nice.
but i'm never going to mexico again because my round-2-rosarito-flu turned into an ear infection.

and i miss my family.

the quarter will be over soon and so will the year. and so will college. i keep thinking about that, everyday. i don't know. too many thoughts in my head and i forgot how to write. writing is like running and i can't do either.

i miss you guys!

someone is hiding a post, or it may just be unfinished, either way...IT SHOULD BE PUBLISHED!!

bleh. I just took a HUGE gulp of my now cold tea. ick. I hate trying to spell out noises.

I started back at work today, oddly enough. I broke a glass in the elevator, it was only fiiting. Its better that I broke something today, if not only to get it out of the way because knowing me, its inevitable that I will break a million things. it was super busy and I didnt even have time to do my homework! And so, I'm attempting to do something that, in my opinion, shouldnt even be a thought floating around in my head: an all-nighter. I mean, the semester just STARTED-its only been a week! Me helping out with the church retreat this past weekend was perhaps not the greatest idea in the world. I can't believe that I'm already behind. And with work...maybe, just maybe, I've taken too much on this semester. But it must be done and I just hope that this week isnt a sign of things to come.

Theres this 'new' girl in our Latin class. Everyone in my latin class was in it last semster because this is part II of Elementary Latin. Except, of course, our numbers have dwindled down to maybe 12 people. Yay for personal attention! Okay so this new girl registered for Latin II thinking it was Latin I, but Latin I isnt offered this semester because in Fall they offer Latin I and III and in Spring they offer Latin II and IV. Anyway, for some strange reason, she's deciding to stick with the class. hmm. I will only mention that I had to struggle for a whole 16 weeks to get where I am, and she just happens to show up. But that sounds ungenerous of me. Maybe I am a little exclusive. I know, I know, MAKE A "U" not a circle!! Perhaps she really is interested in the language and will put in all the effort to truly master it. I dont know why Im even thinking about this when I have a million other things I have to do.

boo, the semesters not looking so great right now. time to play ketchup!

its late. I'm beyond tired. Tomorrow I'm going to Julian for a church retreat. I'm sorta not in the mood to go. And that makes me feel guilty. Tonight we had a major "workday" at my house and for the first time, I think I've really seen how much I've personally changed since high school. I mean, I used to flourish in the hectic creative chaos...or at least, I deluded myself into thinking that I did. But I loved constantly working to make pretty things that somehow might have mattered. I relished in the end result. I got that one moment to process that I completed the task and could admire the work that I'd done. I mean, there's nothing quite like standing on that red carpet in front of a facade beautifully lit at dusk, and knowing that it's just as nice on the inside. I know it sounds crazy, but if you know what I'm talking about then I need not say more. Anyway, it practically defined my high school experience. It was something that might have led me down some other career path.

But tonight I realized just how there was no way I could go back to that now. painting, cutting, glueing and sitting amongst the mutli-colored papers, I didn't see things the way I once did. I just saw tasks left to complete and nothing that got me excited about what I was doing. Maybe it was because I was basically left out of the planning process (PI), and just present for the labor... (6.5 anyone?). perhaps that had a little to do with what I was feeling, but as I was in the midst of the laughter and all around jolly time, I was a little displeased because I was missing the SILENCE. Is that strange? Maybe I really am a recluse.

This is what I mean about being different. In high school, I think I was desperate for some kind of human connection & perhaps even after graduation I had some regrets about certain things. Maybe I was feeling like I was always on the periphery of human existence, like somehow I had missed out of certain things that I thought was necessary to be living life happily. I was always wanting to be in the mix of things but never quite there, it was a bit depressive really. But what I didn't know then, and what I absolutely know now, is that even if I was in the mix of life like i hoped I would be, I wouldn't necessarily be any happier. Because really, I'm not that kind of person...I never really was, even when I thought otherwise.

I LOVE my quiet life. I've come to appreciate the silences of my day to day actions. I enjoy not having a million friends...and almost feel bothered when people presume too much. I like the freedom that comes with doing simple things. I love spending quiet mornings by myself. I concentrate on the people and things that matter. I'm free to do whatever I like and all things that I love. My life may not seem like the most exciting or eventful one, but I can honestly say that it is mine. I'm not bound by anyone or anything and its simplicity makes it all the more enjoyable.

So tomorrow I'm off to a retreat, but I'm not so excited about it. maybe I'll get excited about it. But I feel like I just got home and I'd prefer to stay for a while still. Not to mention that I'd like to get some reading and translations done. that is what I'm excited about now. in any case, I know that this retreat will be good... but i should sleep.

p.s. I need a new bookcase!

2006 (all 3 weeks of it) seems to be a little out of character. or is it the me i've been afraid of? whatever it is, i like it.

BY THE WAY I LOVE UCLA UNICAMP MENTORSHIP WITH ALL OF MY HEART AND THE PUREST (AND ALSO RAUNCHIEST) PART OF MY SOUL. I WILL FOREVER REMEMBER MY COLLEGE EXPERIENCE THROUGH MENTORSHIP AND THE AMAZING PEOPLE, KIDS AND PEERS, THAT I GOT TO WORK WITH.

back home, but a huge part of my heart is in the philippines. I'm missing my cousins like crazy. for better or for worse, the sights of the PI are unlike anything found in the states.

pictures.

tomorrow I'm off to the Philippines. I have to admit that I'm more than a little nervous. Yes, its true that more than an ocean separates me from my family. I guess I'm worried about just how much I'll stick out. There's no way that I can hide that I'm American, and I truly truly need my personal space. I don't like being harassed (obviously); I would much rather not be noticed. And thats near impossible with how I'll be paraded around like a show horse by the parentals. It's odd, I always stand by how I'm Filipino, and yet I know this trip will show me how I'm so not. It seems to be that I don't know the first thing about being Filipino. these cultures are worlds apart, and theres a lot to live up to, I guess. But don't get me wrong, I know this trip will be essential for my own personal cultural identity.

and now for something completely different. my inability to PICK A SUBJECT to study worries me (no surprise). I feel like I should love something so much that I could never even dream of doing something else with my life because it would be that unfufilling. I could never be satisfied doing something that in my mind would be less than what I should be doing with my life. the problem is that I like too many things and have yet to find the one to make my whole life. I can't help but feel like its right there underneath my fingertips somewhere but I just can't see it. It's frustrating but I think that when I finally get my hands on it, it will be unlike anything I've ever felt or thought about before. When I found my hum major I was so overwhelmed by it all that there was never a more appropriate time to cry and never again a question of leaving. I honestly couldnt believe that I was so lucky to have a place that I knew, in my heart of hearts, I truly belonged.

I want that again.

anyway, Goodbye. maybe I'll be able to post when I'm there.

p.s. thanks friends!! :)
stace- I kept thinking dies was "to/for God" but it actually means 'day' (duh)...deis is "to/for God." This just shows how unskilled I am in the language :( It reads happy day of birth, or so I'll pretend.
sonya- I'll be taking Marquez with me, even though it'll take me about 500 years to finish!
sadie- I LOVE the phrase a day calendar because it has pronunciation too. And not Medieval or ecclesiastical pronunciation...but classical:)