Friday, October 10, 2003
Thursday, October 09, 2003
from the beginning of this whole college thing, i've been experiencing the frustration that is trying to find my future husband. i find myself staring down every guy that passes by, trying to figure out if he is the one i will be spend the rest of my life with. eye contact is a strange and beautiful thing. it is also dangerous. lately, it's been a pivotal stress factor in my life, as i am completely paranoid of what every eye-contact partner is thinking of me in the few seconds that our lives meet. the alternative is looking at the ground (or the sky?), but that is far less fun. i realize that i am impatient-- or just stupid-- or both-- but lonliness tends to conjure up that effect.
lately, i've been putting my mp3 player to use as i make the 25-min trek from the place i call 'home', up 3 dozen steps, to my lectures. music takes a lot of the scariness out of college. basically, melody drowns out the entire world, so i feel like i am the center of everything, and all of the other students are faceless blobs floating around me. still, the amount of people here is just mind-boggling, and honestly disillusioning. how does someone make their petty, insiginificant existence important here?
"i don't know about this whole college thing" is a phrase that repeatedly scrolls through my mind. i feel like i'm not like the other people here. i find myself having to give excuses for myself every day. want to go to a party? oh, i have a class. i study too much? oh, no.. it's not that-- it's just that my class is really early. oh, we'll be back early? well, i'm actually not feeling too well and i'd hate to get sick again. i never had to defend myself against being lame (except to myself), and i don't think i should have to now. so, no thank you, i don't want to go to a party. not yet, at least. and don't worry about me, i'll make sure i get the "full college experience". eventually.
most of the time i feel very medicore here. the good artists are the art majors. the good musicians are the music majors. there is the gymnastics team, and even the girls in the rec program are better than i ever was. political activists. scientists. philosophy buffs who incessantly pose beautiful questions in lecture. i am a lost soul, without any speciality-- good at everything but really good at nothing. sometimes i think that if i just had ONE thing-- one thing that was mine-- other people wouldn't bother me. because honestly, i am a very bothered person.
that's probably the reason behind most of my dissatisfaction with this place. if i had someone who loved me, i wouldn't look at every guy and i wouldn't be jealous of every girl who was glued to his side. if i had my group of friends from home, i wouldn't envy every group of people that i see conversing and laughing during dinner. and if i had something
-- some class, area, specialty-- that i was talented in and succeeded in, i wouldn't be so frustrated in every single class. so i guess my making fun of people.. my annoyance with 90% of people around me.. stems from my insecurities, or at least my frustration with myself.
it's hard to believe that i've been here a few weeks. they have probably been the longest weeks of my life. there are days when i wish everything was the same as it was a month back, but then i remember that that is just me wanting what i don't have. because if i was there, i'd want to be here. i need to learn to be happy wherever i am. it is something i am working on every day.
and what gets me through the day? the little things, like the transexual i saw at ackerman today. the homey-looking nerdy couple walking up the steps, a guy wearing gloves and a scarf, the warmth of my room after a walk outside, funny columns written by cute guys in the Daily Bruin, ... mostly just seeing funny things as I walk to class by myself. ooh and vanilla soft serve ice cream with oreo crumbs.
lately, i've been putting my mp3 player to use as i make the 25-min trek from the place i call 'home', up 3 dozen steps, to my lectures. music takes a lot of the scariness out of college. basically, melody drowns out the entire world, so i feel like i am the center of everything, and all of the other students are faceless blobs floating around me. still, the amount of people here is just mind-boggling, and honestly disillusioning. how does someone make their petty, insiginificant existence important here?
"i don't know about this whole college thing" is a phrase that repeatedly scrolls through my mind. i feel like i'm not like the other people here. i find myself having to give excuses for myself every day. want to go to a party? oh, i have a class. i study too much? oh, no.. it's not that-- it's just that my class is really early. oh, we'll be back early? well, i'm actually not feeling too well and i'd hate to get sick again. i never had to defend myself against being lame (except to myself), and i don't think i should have to now. so, no thank you, i don't want to go to a party. not yet, at least. and don't worry about me, i'll make sure i get the "full college experience". eventually.
most of the time i feel very medicore here. the good artists are the art majors. the good musicians are the music majors. there is the gymnastics team, and even the girls in the rec program are better than i ever was. political activists. scientists. philosophy buffs who incessantly pose beautiful questions in lecture. i am a lost soul, without any speciality-- good at everything but really good at nothing. sometimes i think that if i just had ONE thing-- one thing that was mine-- other people wouldn't bother me. because honestly, i am a very bothered person.
that's probably the reason behind most of my dissatisfaction with this place. if i had someone who loved me, i wouldn't look at every guy and i wouldn't be jealous of every girl who was glued to his side. if i had my group of friends from home, i wouldn't envy every group of people that i see conversing and laughing during dinner. and if i had something
-- some class, area, specialty-- that i was talented in and succeeded in, i wouldn't be so frustrated in every single class. so i guess my making fun of people.. my annoyance with 90% of people around me.. stems from my insecurities, or at least my frustration with myself.
it's hard to believe that i've been here a few weeks. they have probably been the longest weeks of my life. there are days when i wish everything was the same as it was a month back, but then i remember that that is just me wanting what i don't have. because if i was there, i'd want to be here. i need to learn to be happy wherever i am. it is something i am working on every day.
and what gets me through the day? the little things, like the transexual i saw at ackerman today. the homey-looking nerdy couple walking up the steps, a guy wearing gloves and a scarf, the warmth of my room after a walk outside, funny columns written by cute guys in the Daily Bruin, ... mostly just seeing funny things as I walk to class by myself. ooh and vanilla soft serve ice cream with oreo crumbs.
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
I am so sorry I've put you in the AWKWARD situation you are in with uhh...brian. You can hit me later.
I'm off to vote!! yaaay...
Today I was really lame because I spent $43.73 on two posters of Orlando Bloom. When they get to me I'm gonna spend more money to get them framed and hung in my room. Am I insane? Yes, but really, they'd look so nice in my room!! Oh oh!! And yayyyyy this thursday I'm gonna get tickets to watch Lord of the Rings--the extended FOTR and TTT THEN Return of the King--thats like, 10 hours right there!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
goodbye.
I'm off to vote!! yaaay...
Today I was really lame because I spent $43.73 on two posters of Orlando Bloom. When they get to me I'm gonna spend more money to get them framed and hung in my room. Am I insane? Yes, but really, they'd look so nice in my room!! Oh oh!! And yayyyyy this thursday I'm gonna get tickets to watch Lord of the Rings--the extended FOTR and TTT THEN Return of the King--thats like, 10 hours right there!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
goodbye.
haha, stace you tricked all of us. hi sadie! hi! thanks for looking for my photo stuff, altho i already have my portfolio. i wonder what he did with the finals?/? urrr that loser. yesterday i went to whole foods and i bought: bread, medicine, vitamin c, blue corn chips, and humus. mmmmmmm and im eating it now and in 15 minutes i wil go to class.
my day
930-1045 history lecture
11-1215 phil lecture
1230 lunch
3-5 flute (first day of symphonic band)
630-830 gymnastics
my day
930-1045 history lecture
11-1215 phil lecture
1230 lunch
3-5 flute (first day of symphonic band)
630-830 gymnastics
