its not weirddddd. i wanted to take everything too! but then i found out that it wasnt offered for or it was full or or or or.. blah. but its nice to have so many possibilities.

is it just me, or are none of us sleeping? i know i fall asleep around 3 every night. maybe that's why i got a horrible headache at sadaf's house yesterday. i just c a n t fall asleep.. counting down my days, a million thoughts running through my head. roommates. food. my family. friends. new friends?. classes. tests. lovers. there is just so much freakin anxiety all around.

my mom is making my turqoise hawaiian flower duvet cover and it makes me sooo happy

i cant think of all the stuff i still need to get!!! conditioner, running shoes, CDs to burn, a floppy drive?, microsoft word and ppt???, can i take the camera with me? do i need sunglasses and a robe? i want to dissapearrrrrrr

there are not enough hours in a day.

on thursday i "met" shane west's mom from "once and again"--she, Suzanne Thompson, came and spoke to my theatre class. It was weird because I forgot someone was coming in and we watched part of an episdose...then all of a sudden she just pops up from the middle of the class. It was like WHOA. My two worlds collided and for the first time they co-existed simultaneously. It was so awesome...I can't even begin to describe.

in philosophy we were talking about how when you find your major or the job that you really want to make a career out of, you just know. like how you fall in love with someone and you "just know." like you can't picture yourself being truly happy doing anything else but that one thing. you kinda go, duh...but i dunno maybe i'm just an idiot who never thought about that before.

someone in my comm class has the email "talk to me jess"--teehee.

oh oh oh... yesterday i found my comb and i peeled off allll the stinky sandy dirtay old wax from my board. and this morning it looked clean and brand new! but today i put the comb on my car and drove with it on there and it fell off =( im dumb. at the beach, this guy asked to use some wax and he had the same board as me. he used it a lot better than me tho hahaha. and this one guy lost his board so i held it for him and it was really hard bc it musta been 10'. he was nice tho. bye.

i went surfing this morning with sherray and it was wonderful. i tried out her 6'7 board (much easier to handle compared to my 8') and i liked it a lot!!!! god the ocean is SO freakin beautiful. I WILL NEVER LEAVE IT. OCEAN I LOVE YOU. I DO>!qlreretk

then i rushed to mm to switch cars with mommay, and then got stuck in fri traffic on my way to san marcos. all i will say is, sadie and i make a great team. making stuff is sooooo stress-relieving. i should be a stay-at-home-mom that makes crafts all day, but then my husband will leave me.

got home a little while ago... dunno what's in store for the weekend.

that reminds me of the video we saw at orientation... these guys did MTV CRIBS on their dorm room. it was pro.

[ Tue Sep 11, 10:04:22 AM | michelle p.| edit ]
I'm in the ASB room right now 3rd period. I want to post about the events that have occured this morning. Just for reference, The World Trade Center collasped due to planes crashing into the towers. Another plane crashed into the Pentagon and a part of it has collasped. People have died. Airports are closed throughout the Nation, Borders are closed and evacutations have begun throughout the US. But the most important thing is that People have died. I can not begin to express my sorrow for their families, and to the country. I prayed that I would not have to suffer through this type of pain, that maybe I was living in a world where there was at least a common understanding. That gave me hope. I see now that I was wrong. The people have not changed, the only thing that has are the ways we choose to fight each other. And History will forever be changed. My heart aches for the people and for our future. Where we thought our future was bright and held such possibility, it now holds the possbibility of war. The lives of so many have been ruined already, and I can not help be but depressed. It feels like this is my own Pearl Harbor.

-----------------------
It's days like these make you glad to be alive.

it is september 11th. i guess it's stupid to write this on the blog, but still.. i give my regards to all of the families and people who were hurt 2 years ago.

today is one of the most beautiful days in a long time. guess who i saw... the yellow kayak man. haha. but i'll really miss san diegos beaches. i think i gotta live here in the future.

anyone wanna swim? the pool is really nice.

"Sometimes I want to be a kid and go, 'Fuck it all!' and run away and bury my head."

Orlando speaks to me.

i almost got murdered in the mc parking lot TWICE today. people do NOT know how to drive. man, i'll really miss driving. i missed it a lot while i was in hawaii. it will be sad, and then i'll get used to it.

'somethings missing' is such a sad, hopeless song. it's so good... perfect for right now. i cant wait until i know these songs well enough to sing along.

other cds i want:
white stripes
maroon5
phantom planet

i called
because
i just
need to feel you on the line
dont hang up this time
and i know it was me who called it over but
i still wish you'd fought me 'til your dying day
don't let me get away

numb is the new deep
done with the old me
and talk is the same cheap it's been

so much wasted in the afternoon
so much sacred in the month of June
How 'bout you?

and i will wait to find
if this will last forever
and i will pay no mind
when it won't and it won't
because it won't
and i will waste no time
worried 'bout no rainy weather
and i will waste no time
remaining in our lives together

OMG. it doesn't get any sexier than john.

michelle has returned. "People say that change is good...but all they're really saying is that something that you didn't want at all, has happened."

I really wished things were different--I wish all our summers ended at the same time so we could be the frosh babies until the very last moment possible. I wish I didnt have work or school or just all the stuff that gets in the way of summer. And all I want to do is do nothing with the frosh babies but I can't because I am just barely getting by and can't afford lesiure time.

And to be honest...I'm heartbroken.

So where do we go from here?

omg i just placed a duplicate order for my textbooks. i am soooo stupid.

it seems like things are getting a lot more complicated with each day. maybe it's because we're all going our separate ways and it is our final chance to bring up things that we have been hiding for months. maybe we're scared shitless of change so we're trying to stop it, and in doing so, we blindly create conflict. i don't know what's happening. but i know that it is making everything really difficult.

today stacy said, "i thought i was out of high school". so did i, so why all the drama? i thought about it as i was driving home and i think that it isn't drama, it's concern. it's strange. i don't even care if my friends are talking about me behind my back. i'm confident enough in my friendships to know that they are doing it because they care about me. (i hope? i'm being quite idealistic, i know). but i really think that is true. high school is over. we don't have to be friends with someone because they sit next to us in class. we're friends because we want to be.

i'm terrified of the idea of losing touch, mostly because i'm scared of getting replaced. i know people that are staying here are scared of their friends moving on and leaving them behind. and those who are leaving are afraid that somone will take their place back at home. and as much as we avoid it or push it away, we all know it's going to happen. not in a week or a month, but how many brides invited their high school friends to their weddings? that makes me really afraid.

i guess i always imagined the last week or two to be different. i think we all did. we imagined hanging out all day- every day, doing all of the things we knew we may never get to do together again. i guess i thought that if we separated on the best note possible, nothing would change. it's not true though. and so many things are unresolved.

it's so tempting to try to avoid it all. i think i know it as well as anyone else. it's probably why i sleep 14 hours a night, and lose myself in mtv and aim the other 10 hours. it's like... i know i should do something about it because i can't leave everything in such a shitty state. but talking about it and fixing it and making compromise and trying to understand other people takes so much energy. ("it" being all of this shIT that i cannot even explain in words).

i feel so tired and drained. it's like... i can't even be excited about leaving because everything here is shit. it feels like it isn't supposed to be like this. it feels like there shouldn't be conflict. not now--- not at a time when we're supposed to be going out together, making gifts, promising to call each other once a day.

i guess that has been building up over the past few months. i actually should have written this a few days ago, because right now i feel a lot better about it. things have started working out. still, i'm far from being ready to go. hopefully things change between now and next friday.

tonight i had a nice convo with my roomie monica and i am now a lot more excited to go to college. i must admit, i was dreading it for a while... but she makes me feel like everything will be okay and that things work out. i hope she is right. i don't really know her or anything, but from the few convos we've had, i feel reassured that my first year will be good.

im jealous of shell. she gets to write about cool things in her class. i hope that one day i can take a class where i am graded on things that i write for fun. i should really find a creative writing class so i can express my pent up emotions in a safe place (not the blog).

i hope that the lover i marry is laid-back, so we can balance each other out.

other thoughts... brandon: i think brandon is like the guy in class that sits across the room from you. you never talk or cross paths and then one day the teacher partners you up for a project. you complain to your friends about what a slacker he is and decide that you'll just do the project on your own. but then when you work with him you realize that he's really nice and feel guilty for prejudging him.

my room is messsssy. tomorrow is reserved for cleaning and ant annhiliation.

i have 9 days, people. nine d a y s ..

just a little note of self-defense

this here blog is in part owned and maintaned by me. it is my tiny little section of the internet world and i can use it any way i want. when i write on here, i write freely... what's the point of writing if you're holding back? the whole point is to get all of my thoughts, frustrations, and observations out. one day i may write something, and the next day i may realize that i totally disagree with what i wrote. but i wont erase it bc hey, i did think it. im allowed to change my opinion. im allowed to assume things and criticize things and say whatever the hell i want (so long as i don't purposely offend anyone). i figure things out as i write. sometimes i like to express passionate opinions on topics that i really don't understand. i'm not claiming to know everything or to understand everything. no person could ever fully make sense of the complexities of those around him.

if you dont like it, dont read it.

if you read it, you do so by choice so don't complain.

i love little brown gardettos toasts

oh, and my favorite


And I, tiny being,
drunk with the great starry
void,
likeness, image of
mystery,
felt myself a pure part
of the abybss.
I wheeled with the stars.
My heart broke loose with the wind.

i am tired and sore. today i hung out with stace shell josh and brandon. we watched top gun and american history x. if you havent see AHX, go see it. i think it is a brilliant movie. when i watch it, i convince myself that i want to be some kind of civil rights worker. anyway, i think i want to be a non profit worker. either that, or i want to become rich off of something i create so then i can travel. my only desire in life is to travel. i want to learn 3 languages at ucla. i dont know how ill end up fitting it in but... i want to finish up spanish. i HAVE to learn french. i also want to learn how to read and write in russian. i owe it to russia.... i am a bad, bad russian and my relatives remind me of it every day.

some pablo neruda for you:

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, "The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the
distance."

The night wind revolves in the sky and
sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me
too.

Through nights like this one I held her in
my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the
endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great
still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel
that I have lost her.


---
and...
---

It so happens that I am sick of being a man.
And it happens that I walk into tailor-
shops and movie houses
dried up, waterproof, like a swan made of
felt
steering my way in a water of wombs and ashes

okay. i guess i'll post about my trip b/c (a) no one is online (b) the phone is in use (c) im too tired to actually DO anything (d) im not tired enough to sleep (e) i miss typing- i miss my laptop- i miss bloggerrrr.

i think i'll give you guys the outline version with random details thrown in. this will probably be horribly boring... hearing about trips usually is. proceed reading if you like =)

Last Saturday: flew SD to LA to Maui, starting at 7am... i wasn't too excited b/c i left on a pretty bad note with a few people. i didn't really have time to anticipate the trip either. it sort of just crept up on me so i just went with it. plane was ok-- i saw anger management. read MERIDIAN-- at that point the book was okay. so we got to maui and it was pretty stuffy and we waited an hour for our luggage. then we got our rental car-- a white convertible, which was very nice. i had only been in a convertible once before that. haha we kept it covered most of the time bc it was so windy, but when we opened it up on the DRIVE TO HANA (ill talk about that later), it was so cool. After we got the car we went to the first landmark on our agenda... COSTCO. man, gotta love costco. i was so hungry, i think i ate the entire food court menu. i also saw lots of people from our plane there. everyone loves costco. we drove to our condo, which was called KAMAOLE SANDS, and was located right across the street from a beautiful beach. we went swimming and then went to this grocery store where a single yogurt was like $2.

Sunday: went swimming at kamaole beach 3 again.. oh omg! okay so it was really early (730 maybe?), and my sister and i were walking down to the sand in this semi-secluded part of the beach and BAM--- two people who either (a) were getting ready to have sex or (b) just had it. the girl was a Pink look-a-like, and right as we rounded the corner she scrambled to get her pants (and yes, underpants... ew sick) back on. it was so disgusting. ANYWAY.. we went swimming (yay), and then we headed to Lahaina, which is this touristy little town with shops and restaurants. i bought a bunch of jewerly (ahhhh it was so amazing. all of the hawaiian flower jewelry, accessories, decals, etc you could ever want.... MY DREAM), and we ate Cheeseburger in Paradise, which was VERY good. we drove by a few beaches where people were surfing and i was like AHH I HAVE to surf.. its the only thing i want to do here..i HAVE to.. so my mom said, okay okay later. we found this other beach and went swimming there. the sand was perfect and the water was clear and warm and AMAZING. AAAH THE WATER ATE MY CONTATCS!!!!-- yes, so after that i had to wear glasses the whole time. how horrible. and then we saw a rainbow (well i just saw a blurrrrrr because i was blind). later we saw the sunset at napili bay, a beach with lots of old people.

i think of hawaii as san diego with warmer, cleaner water and nicer people. most of the time i felt like i was still in san diego.

Monday: went snorkeling at the beach across the street.. at first i was freaked out but then i saw so many cool fish! i felt like i was the little mermaid.. it was amazing. theres this whole world under the water that we never think about. we were supposed to go to HALEAKALA, the volcano, but then it started raining pretty hard. instead, we went to look for this jungle-y trail... which was pretty dumb bc it was raining. man, it was in the middle of nowhere. we went on a wrong trail and met some cows and horses. finally we found the right one, and the rain felt nice as we hiked to this INDIANA JONES type swinging bridge. it was very cool, except for the part where my back was covered in sweat. in the evening we ate at MAUI TACO-- which was this little place that lots of people like EMERIL and THE PIANIST guy had visited. mmmm, sort of.

Tuesday: tuesday... was probably the downpoint of my vacation. we had a kayaking trip planned and i had to wake up at like 530. basically, i ended up fainting in the bathroom. that was a very scary experience that i will not go into bc it brings back horrible memories and feelings. i sat around at the beach while everyone else swam and i helped this guy find his glasses. i felt so cool when i found them. pretty soon i felt like i was gonna puke my guts out so i went back to the condo and i layed down on the bed and cried for like 2 hours. i tried to read meridian but it made me SO SICK, i kept wanting to puke. does this sound weird and sudden and melodramatic? it was. and i cant explain why i felt like that... i just wanted to puke all day long. i think i just watched tv all day long.. i really couldnt do anything at all. oh, actually... we went to check out the Wailea beaches. nothing special there.


Wednesday: i woke up early (agaaaaain) for the HIGHWAY TO HANA trip. it was like a 10 hour trip where we drove a lotttt on a super windy path and we saw waterfalls and pools and took pictures and i felt sick bc i had to read the guidebook in the car. all 3 of the cameras died. oh yeah, my good expensive camera broke or died. and i lost a dress. (and remember my contacts?). how shitty. but its all okay because-- seriously-- hawaii is SO beautiful. the colors are surreal. the green is SO green and the blue is SO blue..and when you put them next to each other they look extra bright. aquamarine water with frothy foam splashing against coal black lava. forests of pines and palms, right next to the ocean. and the sand...its different. its grainy like bird seed and its real. anyway, at hana there were THE 7 SACRED POOLS and people were diving from really high rocks. crazy.

the only people who visit maui are honeymooners and retired couples. both make me really depressed. talk about a lackage of lovers. i saw maybe two, and both had girlfriends-- wives, probably. there was not even one true lover. there was, however, an ALMOST lover, who drove the parasailing boat. but ill talk about him later.

Thursday: snorkeling, SURFING. yaaaaay. well we went and rented a 7' soft-top (only kind they had) and thew it in the convertible (how convenient). we drove up the coast and hello--- no waves. i layed on the board for maybe 45 min and not even one. we drove up a little more to this place called launipoko park (or something...), and there was A BREAK! YAY! it was a small surfing spot and the ocean floor was all rock and coral (ouch). i met this old guy from el cajon and he was very kind to me. all in all i got maybe 4 waves (and 3 horrible rashes/cuts), but the time and money was well worth it. the rides were long and smooth and it didnt even matter that the bottom was rocky. IT WAS AMAZING. but then i got stung by something and it shot a spike into my foot and i think some of it is still there. imagine that... right through the boot and everything.

Friday: we returned to Lahaina for parasailing. i decided to go up on my own. basically, there was a boat with a quasi-lover. he was from pasadena and he (along with his girlfriend, who is nice and looks like his sister), is going to move out to carlsbad to "try out a bit of college" (lol). he was a funny dude. anyway, they drive this boat and you get strapped into a parachute and basically go 800 feet in the air while the boat pullls you. it was cool. the water was such a nice color. i wanted to fall in it. they dunked me in it at the end, just to be mean. then we ate kabobs mmmm, went swimming at ka'anapali (amazing beach... we swam pretty far), and then returned home to watch capriatti lose an amazing tennis match.

Saturday (yesterday): kayaking attempt #2 (i didnt go the first time). OKAY THIS WAS TORTURE. our guide was this very very cool guy named chris (not a lover but SO nice). we basically kayaked for like 3 hours, and i would have enjoyed it except i felt SOOOOOOOO SEASICK. by the end i was minutes away from "feeding the fish". i felt so bad.. i dragged my dad down and we were always last. but i was seriously crying bc i felt so sick. my shoulders tightened up horribly. we snorkeled on the trip and saw a giant sleeping tortoise, which turned out to be dead. we saw a million amazing beautiul fish. the best part of the trip was when it was over and we went home. im still seasick. i terribly wanted to enjoy it but the ocean got in the way. we packed, bought hawaiian flower fabric at wal-mart for my bed, and went to dinner. we ate at MAMAS FISH HOUSE.... the best place ive eaten in a longggggggggggggggg time. it had its own private beach and tiki torches and huge windows and beautiful flower arrangements. i hate fish and i LOVED my fish and i loved everyone elses fish too. it was the kind of the food that makes you cry. dessert was raspberry white chocolate ice cream in this almond cookie crust cone. jay-sus. i was crying bc it was so beautiful. then we went on the plane.

Sunday: im home and i still feel seasick. and sad bc my friendships suck. and sad bc my psych book came which means college is real and it is coming.

its kinda funny when you spend all your thoughts on someone, only to realize that they don't care anymore. oh well.

oh and sadaf, thanks for your LETTER and beautiful piece of paper. i LOVE it!!

aloha friends. i missed you all so much!!!!!!!!!!! i must admit tho, it sucks SO MUCH to be back. i mean, it always sucks to come back to reality after you've spent a week or so free of any obligations, worries, etc. but it feels like this time is especially bad, because i left so much hanging back at home. i know that's my fault and i am paying for it. more specifically, i've been avoiding things for a really long time... GAAAAH. oh and you know what i hate? one-sided relationships. it's okay, i understand, just don't expect any correspondance from me. omg i sound so bitter... this is no way to come back.

sadaf did i leave my purse in your car????
shell i am so sorry for having ap diary AND traveling pants on your big day, but its ok bc everything went well.. and i am so sorry about your precious. when i heard your voice message my eyes started watering because in some strange way, i love him too. he is so a part of you. he will get better.
stace & others, thanks for all your voice messages. i checked them every day.. i just didnt have good enough service to get back to you guys.

karen, barb, sherry, matt- thanks for your emails.

i got to go surfing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yayayayy more posting later yo!