sonya, you are wrong. as kostos would say, i am a stupid bastard. lena couldnt argue with that and neither can you.
but its okay, like i know things will be okay. i should be so lucky...i am just now beginning to understand and accept. i will be okay.
i was so depressed after work that even the broadway kids couldnt make me feel better.
scott greenberg just wont leave me alone.
Saturday, September 27, 2003
oh god ill never get this essay done..
michelle, you are being melodramatic. leaving home or becoming indepdent or starting over isnt something that has to be sudden the way it was for me. just because youre living at home doesnt mean you will be forever. god i cant even explain what i want to say to you. ojgrajtoga you make em SO MAD> wairngiw4p i just want to SLAP YOU. ojsermgtoprj godddddddddddddd foresjgops you have accomplished so much. you will have forever to go away. you will have the rest of your life. you are only here 4 more years. you shouldnt usre that time to look back and say that youre a failure. you arent a goddam failure. youve accomplished more than like 99% of people at our school. you are at a good place right now. you have the opportunity to learn wonderful things from wonderful people. things dont always go as planned.... but they work out. they work out because you control your own destiny. you dont know what youre doing anymore? its ont like your life is over. youre only 18. just concentrate on right now.. you need so you dont get lost. you may think youre screwed and lost but you need to just take everyrthing a bit at a time... concentrate on every assignment, every essay. you know youre capable bc you said you killed that test. you have so many opportunities. i just want to yell all this stuff in your face. ijrtgjse-o[
michelle, you are being melodramatic. leaving home or becoming indepdent or starting over isnt something that has to be sudden the way it was for me. just because youre living at home doesnt mean you will be forever. god i cant even explain what i want to say to you. ojgrajtoga you make em SO MAD> wairngiw4p i just want to SLAP YOU. ojsermgtoprj godddddddddddddd foresjgops you have accomplished so much. you will have forever to go away. you will have the rest of your life. you are only here 4 more years. you shouldnt usre that time to look back and say that youre a failure. you arent a goddam failure. youve accomplished more than like 99% of people at our school. you are at a good place right now. you have the opportunity to learn wonderful things from wonderful people. things dont always go as planned.... but they work out. they work out because you control your own destiny. you dont know what youre doing anymore? its ont like your life is over. youre only 18. just concentrate on right now.. you need so you dont get lost. you may think youre screwed and lost but you need to just take everyrthing a bit at a time... concentrate on every assignment, every essay. you know youre capable bc you said you killed that test. you have so many opportunities. i just want to yell all this stuff in your face. ijrtgjse-o[
I must admit something. First off, please don't hate me or judge me until I am through. I'm not blogging in hopes of pity or even understanding and I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad, but its just something I need to get out. thanks sonnay.
Okay so this is what I have to say. When stacy and sonya would be talking about college and roomates and stuff--I felt really happy for them, believe me. BUt I was also sorta upset...not at them because they didnt DO ANYTHING...and I guess it was sorta a jealously issue but there was also something else. There had to be because otherwise I just wouldn't have gotten that upset. For the longest time I just couldn't figure it out...and not knowing what it was bothered me even more.
I don't know when exactly it was, but I realized that--okay this is me being insane, but this is how my brain works--it was a testimony of my failure. This was not where I planned to be. I should be gone, far away...and I swear when I was younger I wished and waited for the day when I got away from everything and started over. And I'm not. I won't ever have that. i have no one to blame but myself because i know i've screwed up. what sucks the most is that i see it everywhere, every single time i go to school...confirmation of my arrogant stupidity.
and i know it sounds like im being very petty and immature, but you have no idea why this was so important to me.
My life is turning out very different than what I expected and I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
Okay so this is what I have to say. When stacy and sonya would be talking about college and roomates and stuff--I felt really happy for them, believe me. BUt I was also sorta upset...not at them because they didnt DO ANYTHING...and I guess it was sorta a jealously issue but there was also something else. There had to be because otherwise I just wouldn't have gotten that upset. For the longest time I just couldn't figure it out...and not knowing what it was bothered me even more.
I don't know when exactly it was, but I realized that--okay this is me being insane, but this is how my brain works--it was a testimony of my failure. This was not where I planned to be. I should be gone, far away...and I swear when I was younger I wished and waited for the day when I got away from everything and started over. And I'm not. I won't ever have that. i have no one to blame but myself because i know i've screwed up. what sucks the most is that i see it everywhere, every single time i go to school...confirmation of my arrogant stupidity.
and i know it sounds like im being very petty and immature, but you have no idea why this was so important to me.
My life is turning out very different than what I expected and I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
Friday, September 26, 2003
today was pretty funny.
I was gonna watch this play called "How I learned to Drive" with Ashley at school. I had absolutely no money and no gas, but that was okay because today is PAYDAY:) so after all this traffic and other crap--I pick up ashley and we have this good coversation in the car while driving--in traffic--to state. i'm sorta freaking out bc i NEEED to buy season tix and you cant buy them after the play starts and all this other crap. The box office opened at 7--ashley and I get to school about 710 but go around in circles in the parking lot even though there are no cars. pretty much we couldn't agree on which way we should leave the structure--I thought we should go up, she wanted to go down--it was a freshman moment...but dont worry, this story is pretty much packed with them!! anyway, campus is dark and scary and night. its deserted which we were both surprised at. we FINALLY get to the box office...and they are SOLD OUT. Y%#&^#!%BV &%(*&%#~!!! Are you kidding me?!
I'm freaking out bc all the days are sold out and the only day open is sat...but i work saturdays and I NEEEED to see this play for my theatre class. Damn theatre students. I actually called Jay to ask a question--nice guy but couldn't help me. Finally I decide to get a ticket for NEXT saturday, plus tix to other shows--including grease :) 46 freaking dollars on theatre tix...I know that's not bad, but I'm a poor struggling student here!
Ashley and I are feeling all sorts of rejected. We came ALL THE WAY to school for nothing. Damn theatre students. Soooo being the weirdos that we are, we decide we're gonna go hang out in the resident halls! we don't care which one--we just wanna walk in and pretend we live there. Little did we know that after a certain hour you have to swipe you little card thingys to get in. damn it. But walking all around campus we discovered that there ARE little dirty men everywhere. sickos. bleh!!! we thought about calling someone we knew to let us in...then realized we had no one to call. <---if you can think of a lotr reference to that then i pretty much lover you:D
Once again feeling rejected, we decide to go bowling. bowling is all full and wait is half an hour. rejected again!! we decide to play pool. we both suck horribly. ashley wins. The score is now tied michelle 1 and ashley 1 (I beat her at sumo wrestling, she at pool). and oh!!...here comes a freshman moment. Before we played the game, we put in our dollar into the table, but your supposed to do that AFTER you play...to release all the balls. we didnt know that. looking back, duh it makes sense, but we werent thinking then!! we just couldnt figure out whyyyyy the balls wwerent coming out. we asked the guy who worked there...he explained it and we felt stupid haha...i swear if we didnt look like freshmen before, we SOOOO did then.
ashley wanted to play ddr--we did and we sucked. though i must say the music selection was quite good...we only made it to level 2!!! that game makes you sooo tired its funny. we got some food and some old man and jack in the box harrassed ashley's back--"ooh i thought you were ticklish!"<---I'm not kidding thats what the creepy old man SAID to her!! ugh. sickos i tell you.
the sickos now will always be sick...thats how you get the old sickos. not to be mean but really...he was old enough to be her grandfather!
------
Oh and today I spent an hour with CHris--I hate spelling it with a "k"-- outside class which was nice but kinda awkward. but it wasnt anything bc we were in...hahahhahahahaha...i was gonna say "love" bc thats the name of the library--but then it would have sounded soo wrong. but yeah, we were just in the library.
so that was my day.
we're playing ucla tomorrow. i know nothing about the football team so i cant say who'll win;)
I was gonna watch this play called "How I learned to Drive" with Ashley at school. I had absolutely no money and no gas, but that was okay because today is PAYDAY:) so after all this traffic and other crap--I pick up ashley and we have this good coversation in the car while driving--in traffic--to state. i'm sorta freaking out bc i NEEED to buy season tix and you cant buy them after the play starts and all this other crap. The box office opened at 7--ashley and I get to school about 710 but go around in circles in the parking lot even though there are no cars. pretty much we couldn't agree on which way we should leave the structure--I thought we should go up, she wanted to go down--it was a freshman moment...but dont worry, this story is pretty much packed with them!! anyway, campus is dark and scary and night. its deserted which we were both surprised at. we FINALLY get to the box office...and they are SOLD OUT. Y%#&^#!%BV &%(*&%#~!!! Are you kidding me?!
I'm freaking out bc all the days are sold out and the only day open is sat...but i work saturdays and I NEEEED to see this play for my theatre class. Damn theatre students. I actually called Jay to ask a question--nice guy but couldn't help me. Finally I decide to get a ticket for NEXT saturday, plus tix to other shows--including grease :) 46 freaking dollars on theatre tix...I know that's not bad, but I'm a poor struggling student here!
Ashley and I are feeling all sorts of rejected. We came ALL THE WAY to school for nothing. Damn theatre students. Soooo being the weirdos that we are, we decide we're gonna go hang out in the resident halls! we don't care which one--we just wanna walk in and pretend we live there. Little did we know that after a certain hour you have to swipe you little card thingys to get in. damn it. But walking all around campus we discovered that there ARE little dirty men everywhere. sickos. bleh!!! we thought about calling someone we knew to let us in...then realized we had no one to call. <---if you can think of a lotr reference to that then i pretty much lover you:D
Once again feeling rejected, we decide to go bowling. bowling is all full and wait is half an hour. rejected again!! we decide to play pool. we both suck horribly. ashley wins. The score is now tied michelle 1 and ashley 1 (I beat her at sumo wrestling, she at pool). and oh!!...here comes a freshman moment. Before we played the game, we put in our dollar into the table, but your supposed to do that AFTER you play...to release all the balls. we didnt know that. looking back, duh it makes sense, but we werent thinking then!! we just couldnt figure out whyyyyy the balls wwerent coming out. we asked the guy who worked there...he explained it and we felt stupid haha...i swear if we didnt look like freshmen before, we SOOOO did then.
ashley wanted to play ddr--we did and we sucked. though i must say the music selection was quite good...we only made it to level 2!!! that game makes you sooo tired its funny. we got some food and some old man and jack in the box harrassed ashley's back--"ooh i thought you were ticklish!"<---I'm not kidding thats what the creepy old man SAID to her!! ugh. sickos i tell you.
the sickos now will always be sick...thats how you get the old sickos. not to be mean but really...he was old enough to be her grandfather!
------
Oh and today I spent an hour with CHris--I hate spelling it with a "k"-- outside class which was nice but kinda awkward. but it wasnt anything bc we were in...hahahhahahahaha...i was gonna say "love" bc thats the name of the library--but then it would have sounded soo wrong. but yeah, we were just in the library.
so that was my day.
we're playing ucla tomorrow. i know nothing about the football team so i cant say who'll win;)
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
b.....bee...bridget...traveling pants.
So now I have a "bet" with sadie. I hafta go do something with Kris this weekend. riiight bc i have so much time right? right.
sadie why is your dad going to afghanistan? buying dad presents is just the worst. its the hardest thing ever!!
I'm all excited bc I get to do a speech on the LADDER THEORY. I may expand and do: Lover, Boogers and the Ladder theory. tee hee :)
So now I have a "bet" with sadie. I hafta go do something with Kris this weekend. riiight bc i have so much time right? right.
sadie why is your dad going to afghanistan? buying dad presents is just the worst. its the hardest thing ever!!
I'm all excited bc I get to do a speech on the LADDER THEORY. I may expand and do: Lover, Boogers and the Ladder theory. tee hee :)
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
Right now I have nothing to do. I am so excited about that! I don't have anything major other than reading...and I don't have work, so I figured I blog bc I haven't said anything important--do i ever?--in a while. After this I will sleep :)
I got my first big college exam and paper done this week. 3 pages of memorization and I must say, I killed on the exam..yay..michelle is happy. Not sleeping helps. No, studying helps hah.
Wow. that's pretty much all I have to say. Isn't that sad? no really...I'm trying SO HARD to think of something to say, but theres nothing. Oh god, my life is sad.
Oh okay well I guess I can say this. We talked about Amelie in my theatre class today and I got super happy and my heart started beating really fast. Yay Nino!! But I sorta feel crappy because its like, I'm not really doing anything for my theatre class--I'm only skimming the readings--and its like hello? shouldn't I focus MORE on this class? I'm stupid. But tomorrow I think I'll go to this informational mtg. for film pre-majors. Yeah, that's about it.
But you know what? I don't laugh anymore. I mean, REALLY laugh. It's acutally really depressing if you think about it. I feel like reading holden. And I dunno, I haven't seen sadie in a while but the only time I can laugh is when I talk to her on the phone. In my comm class I always talk about the FB. I guess I keep wanting people to see how cool we are--I dunno, maybe its some kind of reassurance for me or something. I'm sure it's just a manifestation of my self pity though.
I got my first big college exam and paper done this week. 3 pages of memorization and I must say, I killed on the exam..yay..michelle is happy. Not sleeping helps. No, studying helps hah.
Wow. that's pretty much all I have to say. Isn't that sad? no really...I'm trying SO HARD to think of something to say, but theres nothing. Oh god, my life is sad.
Oh okay well I guess I can say this. We talked about Amelie in my theatre class today and I got super happy and my heart started beating really fast. Yay Nino!! But I sorta feel crappy because its like, I'm not really doing anything for my theatre class--I'm only skimming the readings--and its like hello? shouldn't I focus MORE on this class? I'm stupid. But tomorrow I think I'll go to this informational mtg. for film pre-majors. Yeah, that's about it.
But you know what? I don't laugh anymore. I mean, REALLY laugh. It's acutally really depressing if you think about it. I feel like reading holden. And I dunno, I haven't seen sadie in a while but the only time I can laugh is when I talk to her on the phone. In my comm class I always talk about the FB. I guess I keep wanting people to see how cool we are--I dunno, maybe its some kind of reassurance for me or something. I'm sure it's just a manifestation of my self pity though.
seems like shell and sadie have less time than me and stace.. but i havent actually started classes yet, so ill probly get busier. im excited for classes to start, actually. right now there are insane amounts of free time and everytime i'm not hanging out with somone or meeting someone, i feel like i'm being anti social. classes will be a healthy distraction. our floor is sort of different because the majority of residents ar 2nd years. although they are very nice, they have their own friends and cliques. it's all good though-- people leave their doors open and everyone is friendly, for the most part.
yesterday i had lunch with my floor after a floor meeting. then all of the freshmen went to pauley for the big welcome thing. it was pretty boring.. the highlights were 1. the marching band (they are so cool!) and 2. the gymnastics coach.. she talked about how the gymnastics team had won 4 consecutive national championships and this yr they are held right here at ucla~ hopefully ill be going to a lot of the meets. if i cant do it, at least i can watch. i actually watched the gymnasts practice yesterday and they are really good. on the poster of the 2003 team i saw kristen maloney, who i watched on a 96 tape right before leaving! that's insane.... she's actually here. yah and there was an okay bbq. oh yesterday we also went to the gym for the 2nd time.. i did the stair climber for 15 min and i climbed 45 floors or something. theres nothing like a good sweat =) in the evening we had an all hall meeting and dinner at puzzles-- this place thats open till 2. then monica and i went to hang out with this guy and his friends but we sort of felt uncomfortable. they went to drink and we didnt go and they said we were scared. screw them. then i played a card game w some of the asian neighbors until like 2.
im excited and scared for class. i really want to do well. really really. oh, i gotta find where my classes are... =) right now im blasting the amelie soundtrack. i love blasting music. i always hope it will attract someone and they will come in and be like: cool!!!-- but it never happens.
oooooooooookay bye
yesterday i had lunch with my floor after a floor meeting. then all of the freshmen went to pauley for the big welcome thing. it was pretty boring.. the highlights were 1. the marching band (they are so cool!) and 2. the gymnastics coach.. she talked about how the gymnastics team had won 4 consecutive national championships and this yr they are held right here at ucla~ hopefully ill be going to a lot of the meets. if i cant do it, at least i can watch. i actually watched the gymnasts practice yesterday and they are really good. on the poster of the 2003 team i saw kristen maloney, who i watched on a 96 tape right before leaving! that's insane.... she's actually here. yah and there was an okay bbq. oh yesterday we also went to the gym for the 2nd time.. i did the stair climber for 15 min and i climbed 45 floors or something. theres nothing like a good sweat =) in the evening we had an all hall meeting and dinner at puzzles-- this place thats open till 2. then monica and i went to hang out with this guy and his friends but we sort of felt uncomfortable. they went to drink and we didnt go and they said we were scared. screw them. then i played a card game w some of the asian neighbors until like 2.
im excited and scared for class. i really want to do well. really really. oh, i gotta find where my classes are... =) right now im blasting the amelie soundtrack. i love blasting music. i always hope it will attract someone and they will come in and be like: cool!!!-- but it never happens.
oooooooooookay bye
Monday, September 22, 2003
hi FBs and FB fans. last night i saw bad religion and it was crazy. they were really good.... but some people (freddy) were all drunk. they were running around slamming into each other and stuff. and you could smell their drunken stanky breath on you and they put their sweaty armpits right in your face. yummmm. people i talk to ask me what i've been doing and i really can't answer that... i got books, got annoyed by some sorority recruiting people, went to the concert, ate, ran into barb- karen- ryan- kristie- james- john- galina- tony ... went to the gym, played games with my floor, talked and talked and said the same things over and over again.. this place is so huge. there are so many people. but at the same time its small because everyone i meet is nice and they remember my name. i try to remember names too. mayu, karen, david, william, steven, jovan, john, leo, sabrina, neera, angela, becky, amy, natalie, jackie, shao, vlad, capriccia, dominique, nikki, sebastian, adam.. those are like the only ones i remember on my floor. oh, tim who knows jeremy from lcc. and brian. and david and karl. this really is sort of overwhelming.
