I cut my hair.

BAD THINGS

my stereo is broken
my usb port/mp3 player is broken
the passenger side mirror is falling off of my car
the antennae is falling off of my car


I HATE TECHNOLOGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but i ran at the beach today and that was good. and i watched beauty and the beast. cool.

today was my last day of work. it was pretty sad. yeah, it was really sad. way too many cool people there...ummmm then i went surfing. i am really frustrated bc i feel like every time i go i just suck more and more. i was so much more courageous last year. now i wont even leave the whitewash because i dont want to do get wiped out and killed forever. today my board smacked me on the head--- ouch. i hope i get over this because for me SUMMER HAS JUST BEGUN. then i went bowling and that was muy fun. when it was time to leave i found out that my whole life i held the ball with the wrong fingers. that is SO like me. i honestly can't believe that i'm obligation-free now. i can wake up early and watch sbtb or just sleep in. i can do whatever i want (given it is free because i have no money). so i'd love to hang out with you... as long as we don't do anything that costs anything. possibilities include balboa park, another park, the beach, swimming, cooking, baking... i'm really tired. tomorrow morning i will wake up and feel wonderful. i might even run.

i enjoyed charlies angels 2...and the reunion of sorts at oscars. i also did that drinking thing right when someone said something funny so i spat out my coffee and it got in my hair :)

I thought this was funny...regarding orlando...
XracHoleX: damn...do u have like EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE of his pictures
XracHoleX: hahaha
LittLeBoxCar: hahahahhaha
LittLeBoxCar: i try
LittLeBoxCar: :-D

so I'm officially not going back east this summer. I'm so upset about it. My family is horrible... everyone keeps on bailing out on me and I'm just sick of it.

My whole life I've been ignored.

And more and more I keep missing my grandfather something awful. It's really hard sometimes. I try to just remember all the good things, but sometimes...like at church or something, when I really really think about him... I miss him so much. And I really want him back. But that's unfair of me. I haven't seen any of the pictures of the funeral yet, but hopefully sometime in the future I'll be strong enough to see. God, sometimes I feel so alone.

sick straight bastards I tell you. I was so scared last night when I was in my room because my window was open. I had to like go into my closet and hide. bastards i tell you.

priceless frosh baby moment #274: seeing lover half naked in bedroom.

&%$#

LOVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i firmly believe that each person controls his or her own destiny. if something bad happens, turn it into something good. release negative energy positively. do something with yourself. dont be a waste of life.

i'm unemployed. seven months of work and i am only left with four days. they have to let 5 people go because of budget issues, so i'm going a month early. i pretended it was okay, and it really would be if it wasn't for clare and norma and jordana and george and vince and ron and mr. peter. if it wasn't for checking out countless AB videos and renewing books far beyond the limit. for eating mr.peters' cake and trying to convince myself it was healthy because it was carrot cake and i scraped off some frosting. rosa's smile and everyone's smile and the little kids. helping people and making recommendations. checking out five books at a time and only reading a few pages of each. and then reading one all night, front to back and crying until my eyes were swollen shut. sometimes pretending to do work and sometimes working so hard, the back room would be clean in one hour. people feeding the hungry book drop and painting george's nails and listening to his girl problems. flinging rubber bands, spying on people's computer screens, shifting and shifting and... smiling to myself as everyone kisses her ass- which i would never even come close to. 'how are you's returned with silence and the comfort of knowing what will happen tomorrow. it is like a cartoon with so many characters and you know you will miss even those that you cannot stand.

i couldn't stay at home, bathing in a puddle of self pity. i went to the beach alone and tried reading. after a few restless moments i packed away my book and just started running. no shoes, no sports bra, no plan or goal and while everyone else was running towards something i was just trying to run away. and it worked because i ran more than i have ever ran before and-- no joke-- i found myself smiling. i felt like crap in more ways than one but i couldn't help smiling and i felt SO GOOD. not avoiding the water. not caring. just not caring about anything. and i can honestly say that that was the first time in my entire life that i enjoyed running.

i don't like people talking on cell phones at the beach. and bathing suits decorating wrinkly skin. the smell of cigarette fumes against the sweet salty breeze of the ocean.

i like blonde curly-haired babies dressed in Baby Gap. dads playing frisbee with their kids. clapping as his son pops up on his surfboard. tossing his giggling daughter in the air. fat men flying kites. the ocean. it never gets boring and people come and go but it is always there and it is always different. and everyone is allowed to have it. you can be rich or you can be poor but all the same, you can bring a book and read or just pretend to read, and feel completely satisfied. i can't decide is love or nature is more powerful.

i got a letter for doug and for anyone who cares to know, he sounds really adjusted. he's going to be really successful there. after reading this letter, i'm more convinced that this is the place for him. i talked to matt for a long time. he is a really good guy. i really am losing everything good in my life. i guess i'm scared that my cup won't be refilled. you can figure out what that means if you want.

i REALLY enjoy being alone. i wonder what that means.

i've been spending the last hour reminsicing on 6th grade with my old-best-friend. im finding out where everyone is going to college... what kind of people my old classmates turned into... JSoidjsfoisjgirjhrdoi its overwhelming ill write later

no time to write but i feel so happy b/c john sang 12 songs, more than he did for other concerts . i know this bc i was reading scottys road journal. cool. he loves the greater san diego area.

okay scratch that. Jo I dont have the song list anymore....lol
1. song from felicity--i thought it was funny:)
2. the vines
3. john mayer.
and either 19/20. depending on which cd you got is all american rejects.

theres also, red hot chilli peppers, weezer, box car racer, michelle branch, vitamin c, eva cassidy, tlc, ataris, and other people i dont remember.

I currently have 55 lovers on my list. That's not counting the people that I am debating on either... but I KNOW theres more out therE!

I am so sad. joanna I miss you. Its almost 3 am and I can't sleep. I don't know if it's insomnia or because I'v been thinking about this thing for the past few hours and I just really need to get this off my chest. I love the frosh babies. I don't even think they understand how much i need them to maintain my sanity. We have just a little over a month left of summer. And it has been the greatest summer of my life. Maybe its because we're just trying to cram it all into these summer weeks... but I absolutely love every single day. I don't want it to end...ever. And I think it's so unfair. Side note-jo I made the cd...sorry there's no like song titles or anything, if you have any questions, you can ask me :)
And i'm just scared. Sonya and stacy will run away to their big universities and meet all their roomates and other smart people. joanna is taking care of babies almost a lifetime away. sadaf will be here still but we'll still be on two completely different paths. And i just feel like... i mean i just dont want to lose the frosh babies. please don't forget about me. It'll just be so hard when no one else is around... and i just got this feeling of being terribly alone. jo i really really miss you.