both my dad and my dog are snoring.

watched "how to deal" with stacy and TRICIA. i love free movies. but lemme say, that is SUCH a weird movie. it's odd but the grandmother is funny! it didn't make sense and there was no closure to anything. and did the movie actually tell us "how to deal?" not really--unless meeting a man who is an outcast and has longer hair than you makes everything in the world better.

ran with stacy afterwards but not really because i forgot my shoes. but i walked barefoot on the wet grass and i loved it :)

oh. i put my graduation pics online...i'll get around to senior activities later...graduation.

aloha sonya. yeah? will you play? i can not, i have nothing to wear. have fun and meet a lover. or at least, have a traveling pants experience.

um sonya, i think everyone wants someone to love them. maybe not just lover or even love, but to be needed. you all know how i go on about how i dont think i'll ever be married... and more than anything, it's because i can't see myself needing or wanting or trusting someone enough to let them in. if that ever happens, i would have taken this huge step. i am very guarded. i like to run away. its much easier that way. i am protected...but the trade off is that it can get super lonely. i know i'm being lena and i should take risks but really, i dont think im strong enough to risk it. i'd probably get scared and retreat back into the shadows. i cant help acting that way even though being alone is well, lonely. its all i know and anything else is scary and new and much bigger than me.

I'm so tired of being here
Supressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating mind
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

that didnt really apply to me in the literal sense, but the lonliness is real.

state-way too huge. i wanted to dorm. glittery sidewalks made me happy. ashley and i sumo wrestled. i wished the frosh babies could come with me.

there is a little part of me right now that hopes my plane crashes tomorrow

Hi frosh babies and internet world. Today was a horribly stressful day... I spent the entire day drawing this picture of paris and neglecting everything I needed to do. Around 3 I was soooo frustrated with everything (mainly myself), and I told sadaf I couldnt hang out... but she came anyway and she made everything so much better. While she was stuck in traffic for 1.5 hours, I folded laundry, cleaned my room, and killed millions of ants. We had a tea party while listening to the amelie soundtrack and then I packed all of my stuff. She didnt even care that I wasnt being fun or offering her food or anything. I think she is a wonderful low-maintenance person.

Now I am pretty much done with everything and I have calmed down a lot. I might even write something nice in the AP DIARY, since I’ve only been complaining to it the past few days. Now im sitting here listening to bryan adams songs..eeverything I do, please forgive me.

You know what I am really bad at? Letting go of things... I am such a loserrrrr, I hate it. Hopefully I’ll see a lover or two in hawaii. Please?

This will sound really superficial and self absorbed, but does anyone else really want someone to be madly in love with them? I do. I don’t just want someone to like me, I want them to fall in love with me. But I bet if I had that I wouldn’t even want to keep it. Girls always like it when guys are jerky to them. Take sadaf as an example.

Please believe me for what I say is true. Please forgive me I cant stop loving you.

im transforming my favorite photograph of paris into pastels while listening to the amelie soundtrack and i don't think anything could make me any happierrrrr. (except maybe a lover? NO! not even a lover).

there is way too much hate in this world. stupid bigots.

i've been caught in many rainstorms, shell.

dude guys... i have the ap diary and i have nothing to say to it. i think ill pass it along today since im leaving tomorrow. wait, im leaving tomorrow?? yesssss!!!

when i get back, i only have THIRTEEN DAYS.

ohhh sadieeee, your post made me SO HAPPY. i had this huge smile painted across my face. but for the record, you are insane. please don't think that there is something wrong with you if some loser didn't call you one day. please dont be the type of person that needs a guy to be happy. i know i make fun of you a lot but i have sooo much confidence in you and i am so proud to have you as a friend. you dont need him to like you. trust me. i like you more than any dumb guy ever will!!!! (but not in a sick way, although people do think we are lesbians. "she is not lebanese! she punjabi!")..

i think i'm afraid of art. sometimes i have huge urges to smear color across a canvas or layer oil pastels on so thick that i wear them down until i am drawing with my naked fingers... but i never satisfy my cravings. i am scared that if i actually sit down with a blank page and a palette of raspberry, maroon, minty green, orange creme, brown like thick muddy clay, then i will realize that i have absolutely nothing to draw. i'll have to admit that my imagination has been erased and in its place are grammar, syntax, essay organization. rules and procedures and no heart, no passion, no love or hate. it's like... i want to paint what i see or dream, but i see nothing but what is in front of me. and everything i dream slips away. it's a really scary feeling. it makes me feel like i am not alive.

that was sort of weird. i swear i wasn't trying to be poetic. i was just inspired because today i had this huge urge to draw, but of course i can never come up with anything original. instead, i found a photograph that i took of Van Gogh's painting of his bedroom (i took it some museum in paris...), and i took out my chalk pastels (wish i could oil paint), and I copied it. i think its okay because you develop a writing style by reading books and you develop an artistic style by copying paintings. i know i didn't do van gogh any justice and he's probably turning in his grave, but.... it made me so incredibly happy. like i could actually draw (except not because it's a lie).

aaand i finally went running today. i had this gigantic cramp after three laps but i wanted to run until i physically collapsed to the ground. the only time i forget about my fat is when i run. actually, not even then beause i can recognize it in my shadow as it streams across the wall of the bleachers. sick.

omg sadaf....you are INSANE!! stop provoking people to picture you nude--its disturbing. please.

added to my list of things to do before i die...
- watch a thousand brillant stars streak across the sky
- get caught in a rain storm
- finally learn how to jump rope--double dutch style

sadaf i love you. that was beautiful. very descriptive...i see that you are taking full advantage of that descriptive paper you have to write. you remind me of amelie when shes describing the things to the old blind man---the baby is watching the dog who's watching the chickens-- i was gonna do that to describe my sun today but then i thought it would be too much. you however, have captured it wonderfully...what a life to live!! how happy and beautiful!! however...you said "i want to wear a scarf and make eye contact with a friendly stranger" twice...

and you just have to push enter a couple of times--like if you were writing in word or something-- to put breaks in your paragraphs!! okay bye

i realized what i wanted to do with the morning sun i saw today. I want to bottle it up and keep it as my happy thoughts like stacys jar of glittery stars. Sometimes the world is so simple that it makes my heart ache. i want to have these simple pleasures forever.

the a.p. diary is like a pillar of strength. they are our traveling pants. the frosh babies are the greatest people on earth.

wow today i am happy. i think i might be sick or something...

"A state fisheries biologist motoring near Columbia had a filling knocked out of his tooth by a high-flying fish that struck him on the side of the head. Another state biologist in the St. Charles area was seriously hurt when he was hit by a giant carp."

michelle, you really do have a perpetual fear of reality. but who can blame you? reality can suck.

i want to compile a list of deals around town... even tho i'm leaving

jack in the crack- 99 cent jumbo jack, chicken sandwhich and two tacos
dominicks pizza- 1.89 slice
costco- 1.29 smoothie or mocha freeze, 1.50 hot dog w/ soda
vons- free cookies
vending machines with 35 cent soda
rite aid- 99 cent ice cream
stuff at jalapenos
kfc kids meal
rubios kids meal

i feel full just from typing that.

you know what's not a deal? my gas is $2.33!!!!!!!! how can that be?!

today i stopped by aaa to get maui info. i parked right in the middle of two gigantic SUVs. what the hell are people driving nowadays? its like everyone wants to drive a tank... and its mostly fat blond soccer moms. just stop. then i went to price club and got drinks and brought one to michelle (getting her back for yesterday) and she got mad at me because im not supposed to visit her at work. she was doing a really good job, though. and when i passed by her car i noticed that kostos had left her a love letter on a napkin. how sweet.

in other news, it seems that everyone has a lover. i am really happy for them. dont deny it, just be happy for yourself.

things that are currently making me happy: the fact that i will be on a plane on saturday, the idea of taking pics in hawaii, the possibility that i will get to "surf" in hawaii!!!!!, my roommate(s), pastels, burning CDs, amelie, my laptop, getting the mail.

speaking of mail. i am going to write letters to: doug, matt, sarah, jo, and sherry. I MISS SHERRY. OH SHERRY PLEASE COME BACK FROM EUROPE. I REALLY CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT YOU. the problem with writing so many letters is that i start repeating myself and then i feel like a big loser. i always have the urge to send random things to people that don't make sense. i think i'll send them to matt because he'll appreciate them the most and actually answer me. watch out matt.

did you know that the official last day of summer is sept 23? i think its really cute how that is right before la starts. its like... we finally got a complete summer. stupid poway unifed, always cutting our summers short. i still havent accepted that we are not at mt. carmel. it is in session and we are not there. that should be enough to keep me happy for the rest of my life.

oh shannon, dominique, dominique, amy, simona, gina, how i miss you! and BLAINE- you are SUCH a lover. poor michael. poor, stupid michael.

oh you know what? right after posting, i always open goodkids.blogspot.com and read my post to myself there because i like how it looks with the tag board and all of the pretty colors.

joanna doguiles: should i post this here?
443 smoketree lane
Bartlett, Ill 60103

and...how do i put this? i believe, more than anything else, that my mind exaggerates everything so that they are bigger and grander and more alluring than they actually are. i admit that i romanticize things a lot... i think its my perpetual fear of reality.

dude sonya, palabra a tu mama.

i saw the most beautiful thing driving back home from dropping off my brother at school. okay like its sorta foggy in the morning and i was driving on 56 east and theres fog thats coming over the hills and its being lit by the sun and its just gorgeous. It was like a glowing cloud that just kept swirling and dancing and it was just so beautiful. but then theres the sun above but theres a lot of fog covering it so its light is less intense and it looks like the moon... I was very happy with it all :)

i was just reading Corridor news and i saw this chart that showed that mc's SAT scores are far lower than those of the other schools (Poway and RB). the article said how shitty mc is everything and for a second i was like 'ouch... ms. stewart has to deal with that'. but then... i realized... THEY DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE STUDENTS. ADMINISTRATION DESERVES ALL OF THE CRITICISM ANYONE GIVES THEM. even if it cant be backed up. i hope sat scores keep falling... just so they can be embarassed. maybe then they will realize that they dont care at all. all they care about is looking good... do you think they honestly care if students are happy? if students are learning and "growing" and are safe? they only care about themselves. and dont even try to argue with me because i have experienced this first hand and i think only michelle (and derrick) truly understand what i am saying. i feel so sorry for the teachers... they get bossed around and trampled on by the admin. the teachers are the only ones who care. ADMIN DIE I HATE YOU.

i LOVE peanut m&ms

bob hope said 'dont spend more than 72 hours with a person, no matter who it is'

one of my roommates emailed me and she is so nice!!! i am so excited

aaand i downloaded the whole AMELIE soundtrack!! YESSSS

michelle said exactly everything i wanted to say but couldn't.

i also give all of my regards to stacy, her mom, and the rest of her family.

Jo, I understand what you are saying. I dont think we should expect anything to be the "same" because life changes people...but it doesnt mean we stopped caring or that we dont.

My heart goes out to stacy's mom.

STACYS FUTURE

You will live in Shack.
You will drive a poopy poop shells bus.
You will marry "" and have 6 kids.
You will be a ""s lover in mc.

it's such a lovely day in the neighborhood. i dont know what got into me but.... i had this huge urge to bake khalua chocolate brownies with walnuts mmmm so i made a batch (from scratch, mind you sonny!) and THEN i decided to make stir-fry vegetables and fishy fish. and we already have brown rice. so i have prepared a healthy yet delicious meal for the whole family! that is very un-like me (and very much like sadie). i also cleaned the downstairs and am on my very last batch of laundry so i must get to folding. perhaps i will reward myself with a dip in the pool (ew i hate that phrase). i wish some of my family would come home and eat my food and tell me how i am a good daughter.

oh you know whats pathetic? i've already checked my mail 3 times. yesterday it was 4. my neighbors must think i am nuts. they are right.

okay this is a bit crazy...

i was watching a gymnastics competition that i taped back in 6th grade... and then i started doing laundry and i didnt bother stopping the tape. and i paused for a second to look at my 6th grade class picture, bc it was laying there, and i looked over everyone and saw this girl named meredith and i thought of how she was really loud and obnoxious. so anyway, the tape kept running and apparently i had also taped the news. and the guy was at street scene (back in like 1996 or 1997) and he was interviewing these 4 12-yr old girls and one looked exactly like meredith. and so i was watching and the guy was like 'this is meredith'. what the heck?? isnt that so random? i have had that tape for like 6 years and i never bothered to watch it that far and she is on there being annoying at street scene. craaaaaaazy.

"Why is it that lonliness creeps in with the night? Are humans not meant to be alone in their beds... Are we not meant to sleep without the arms of another around our waists, tugging at our covers, running fingers through our hair. Speaking a million sweet delicacies- butterscotch, thin mint, raspberry mousse- with a single touch. The warmth of another body, as alone and vulnerable as your own, but together... safe and sure like two haves making a whole. Fingers interlaced like crocheting needles because they were designed to do so.

Night. When we can't pretend to be happy anymore. Can't pretend like we are too busy to be alone or in love. While the sun is out we can drive, eat, chat on our phones, get lost in the tv or newspaper or world wide, wide web. But when the sun trades places with the moon it is as black and white as a photograph. We are either alone or not.

It isn't until the sky is dark that we think of missed chances. Faces and laughs and crinkly eyes pushed away but never forgotten. What could have been, what should have been, what didn't and why? Holding on to one moment- a thin thread, naked to the eye of a stranger. A thread wrapped around your finger like a record playing over and over and over... until you no longer remember: truth or dream? Dream, of course-- could something so perfect be anything but?

Wrapped around each other- spoons, chairs stacked up high, bowls stored in the cupboard. Sugar cones at the ice cream shop. Round smooth fluid contours slipped around and through each other like on purpose. And in that moment, the lonely nights all dissapear because this-- this is worth waiting for. Because this means you never have to be alone, tonight, this moment.

And as quick as it comes, it goes. A traveling tropical storm, stop-and-go circus. Leaving you with only a thread to hold onto. Hanging by the string of a candy-red balloon, floating through the evening sky."

i feel soooo insignificant. apparently theres a michellep******.com and all these other michelle p******s out there. I feel like they've stolen my life! Plus, they're all older than me and ew, I know that I dont even know them but I feel like I dont want my name anymore because I dont want to be associated to them. Not just to them, to anyone...I wanted to be the only michelle. and whats worse, I now feel like I have to compete with them to prove that I'm like better or something so its ME that gets to keep the name. Is that weird? I think i'll email her and be like---you stole my name!! I'm so depressed I could eat a cow. I eat because I'm depressed. I'm depressed because I eat....its a vicious cycle. No but really now I really really just feel anonymous like I have no control over anything and nothing is really mine. stupid name stealers.

sadaf also forgot to mention that she was going to go home and eat and stuff because she thought she had an hour before her next class...but when she called me she I told her it was like 9 when she thought it was 8 and her next class started at 930:)

um. whatever you are thinking....just stop. its not real!! not real not real. i dont know why i even brought it up.

thinking too much takes me to dark dark places. it's in those moments where i feel completely obsolete. people strive and strive their whole lives to be what... successful? powerful? wealthy? happy? and after that....what? the prices paid and sacrifices made to live in the superficial are too great for me. i refuse to use people and places and experiences as stepping stones for me to get to another empty place. moving ahead to a goal that ultimately means nothing. and all these changes just mean that i should jump to the next stone, but i dont think im ready. then again, i dont want to live in the past....stuck, while the world changes around me. because then not only will i be alone, but then i truly wont have, at least for one moment in the history of the world, a space that belongs to me alone.

i live in constant fear of the world. it is a sad existance.

and here is my conclusion: people are different. some people are more sensitive than others. some are more independent than others. for there to exist a friendship between two people, compromises must be made. one person must be more understanding, the other must try to be less selfish. etc etc -- there are millions of ways that a person must bend and lean to make sure that he is not hurting the other person. but there may come a time when one person is leaning more than he should have to. at this point, his friend may be mad. from his point of view, it may seem completely reasonable to be mad. but in reality... um, no it's not. you can only expect someone to do so much to accomodate your various needs, moods, etc. after that, you're just being downright selfish.

yep, i am definitely ready for college. it's not like i'm going to start a whole new life, right away. but i'm open to change (since it is inevitable anyway), yet i am also willing to keep the present going.

you can't really change another person. you can only change yourself, and after a while you may realize that you dont want to change yourself. and that's perfectly fine.

im posting so i can see the changes on the blog.

yesterday i didn't really feel like i was myself. i woke up around 7:45 and got my stuff together to go to the beach. i drove there myself and circled the parking lot 6 or 7 times until i found a space. i put my stuff down and sat for a while and watched the ocean and then went "surfing" alone. after a few hours i called my friend-from-my-old-school and met her on the grass for her party. there i talked to 2 girls i used to know-- one way back from 1st grade. i left after 3 hours and went to my car and realized the rarity of my parking spot so i went back to the ocean and "surfed" for 2 more hours. "surfing" bc what i do is not surfing. anyway, i totally overworked myself and now feel like im gonna die but the point is that.. i really really liked doing things alone. i think i am getting a lot more independent and this makes me really happy bc if i want to ever do freelance or start my own business i have to be indepedent. which is scary bc i have never been indepedent at all and i have always claimed that "i love working with people". but do i? do i hate people or do i like people? i certainly like some and dislike some. bye.

ok i have to post this for myself bc it is me figuring out more stuff about the whole work/life thing.

Jstnsgirly: okay yesterday i told my mom that what makes me so mad about these people is that they are doing what i want to do as a job later but i dont want to work with them ever. i dont ever want a job bc u cant just have a job and do what u love, u have to worry about the politics of all of it
Jstnsgirly: peole are always trying to get ahead of you
Jstnsgirly: and screw you over
Jstnsgirly: and rule you
Jstnsgirly: and if u dont want to fall into their trap then you have to do the same thing
Jstnsgirly: and i dont want to
LittLeBoxCar: that was very much holden
Jstnsgirly: i really really really feel like that
Jstnsgirly: so basically my whole life is screwed
Jstnsgirly: actually i think i want to live in europe
Jstnsgirly: but actually.. its probably bad everywhere
Jstnsgirly: bc its human nature
Jstnsgirly: if i want to escape it, it means i have to work free-lance or start my own business. both of which require talent, risk, and being poor for some time

okay i reallly reallly lover TY. i watched 3 episodes of trading spaces on campus and i was soo annoyed bc genevieve (i used to like her) is really dumb. she totally changes how she acts around younger people, epsecially guys. she was all trying to flirt with them... on both of the episodes that had guys. puke. paige is a little better but she is way too excited. but anyway.. everyone was SUPER annoying. especially she berekely girl. she kept trying to be cool bc she was on tv and she kept telling doug what to do. oh please. those people all think they are so smart because they go to a good school. what a dumbass. omg she had the nerve to talk to ty. she was like 'you cant make those chairs stanford red!!!!' and hes like 'i wasnt aware stanford-red existed as a color. what, is that like your rival or something?' and she was all like annoying about it.. ty was like 'do you see how well this red contrasts with the green?' HA! stupid berekely girl...don't talk like that to Ty. so speaking of Ty i love him because he is not like everyone else on that goddam show (okay i also love vern). he is soooo good at what he does, and he's really funny, and he is aware of everyone's crap and makes fun of them.

zack morris. and slater

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I hate myself. Please please shoot me. I hate it when I'm in the middle of a really really long post and then I click on something and it opens on the freaking BLOGGER page and my whole post just goes away. Blogger says "to save post click ok" and I do and then nothing. I can't get it back or anything. I really really hate it and I feel like crying. STUPID STUPID STUPID.

Okay....I must learn how to not want to kill everything around me when I'm pissed. But really, It would be SO EASY.

For the record, I do not want kids. They annoy me. Except sometimes, just sometimes, where they can surprise me in a good way. Not in a sick way, but in a non-sexual/non-stacy way. I swear our blogger is turning into this whole SEX MANIAC thing. Ah pow pow.

I began reading the Return of the King--the last book in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy-- and I can't wait for the movie!! I'm sooo curious to see how peter jackson will portray parts in the book, visual effects and everything...like the PATHS OF THE DEAD. If you know what I'm talking about then you are a really cool person. My heart was beating so fast as I turned to the first page and it's reeeeally good so far. EEk!! Legolas is one awesome elf....I lover him. Sadaf said she'd ask her mom about getting me TTT but I dunno because I also want the extended version that comes out in november. I could have both though right?? :D

Sadaf dragged me around to all these closed stores because it's sunday. Mossimo, whyyy did you leave the bullseye?!?

I can't believe sadie is starting school tomorrow. its a pretty big deal...I'm so happy for her. She's getting all grown up on us!! But really, it's a very big day for her and I'm glad.

i have a HORRIBLE throbbing headache but... i am so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just watched u.s. world gymnastics championships womens all around and it was so so cool but the best part was at the end bc they did this little flashback to the guys and how they won silver in team and they showed MY LOVER BLAINE WILSON!!!! he stuck his landing and it was so beautiful. BLAINE I LOVE YOU.

my friends are all insane

sadaf is too nice and gives guys the wrong idea and then tries to turn it around on them. stacy is weird and likes to pretend she doesnt love a boy she secretly does and shes always afraid everyones judging her. michelle is obsessed with things that aren't real and she says she doesnt want kids but she does.

yay i love them.

HAHAHA I'm just about peeing in my pantalones just reading the blog. Sadaf...I love you but you are completely INSANE!! Sometimes I just dont know what to do about you, but then I realize that I should just let you "BEE" because if anything, you're entertaining:) I'm happy you are blogging after years of hiatus. You were in my dream last night and you made beef steak...I think there were red and yellow peppers in it too or something, and all these mom's were like "oh you can cook!! my daughter can't cook.." blah blah blah, but none of the mothers were our mothers.

Stacy. stacy. stacy. tsk. tsk. tsk. I really really hoped you'd win the bet. I was hoping for YOUR SAKE. Because I wanted you to have a nice summer um, journal entry worthy/traveling pants experience before you left for stanford and met the graham cease lookalike from the story. What's his name again? Something Matthews?? All I remember is that you wouldn't have to change your name if you married him =) And just for the record...

LOOK WOMAN, IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'RE CALLING...HANG UP AND DAIL THE NUMBER AGAIN!! just don't dial my number...especially if you're calling from stacys phone.

Sonya the um, UCSD man was only staring at you from the other side of the glass windows while pretending he was "sweeping."

Haha...goodbye sluts of america...I loved that. "ESS" I hope you enjoy today and I want you to tell me all about tomorrow.

I watched the gymnastics thing sonya told me about...world championships i believe, for some reason it felt weird that I didn't know any of the gymnasts except for Tasha someting or other. I was like, what happened to Shannon Miller?!?! And then I felt old.