Lately, I have been making more of an attempt to become domesticated. I don't want to get married and someday wake up like Jessica Simpson. This MAY have something to do with the fact that I have loads of time on my hands, and feel somewhat obligated to do something....but let's just all pretend that I want to better myself :)
Well, I really do think I want to learn how to do all those things that I should know before I get out on my own. The basic upkeep stuff I can do, like when to use hot or cold water for laundry or jumpstarting a car (God knows how many times I've been stranded). But there's so much I have yet to learn--like how to cook really good meals. And how to change the oil in my car. How to unclog a sink.
Today I did nothing but go grocery shopping and had to watch the ice cream melt as I waited for my dad to bring the jumper cables ;)
I want to go ice skating.
I feels so good to pull warm clothes out of the dryer on a cold evening.
Saturday, February 21, 2004
like all of the moments of lonliness we have all felt for the past few days, months, whatever are finally coming down.. cascading buckets of silver nails that smack against the roof and it is sooo beautiful. like a warm, sunny day but better if you just stop sit and enjoy. weather is best enjoyed by someone who is doing absolutely nothing. MY GOD IT IS SO NICE its enough to ellict those sugary tears that you think only exist in movies.
i know no one really reads posted lyrics, but if you have time just read these and watch the rain. thanks for reminding me of them, jessa. these words are so perfectly appropriate today. (oh, and thanks johnnay m.)
Check your pulse it's proof that you're not listening to
The call your life's been issuing you
The rhythm of a line of idle days
Scared of a world outside you should go explore
Pull all the shades and wander the great indoors
The great indoors
Lamplight makes the shadows play
And posters take the walls away
The T.V. is your window pane
The view won't let you down
So put your faith in a late night show
I bet you didn't even know
Depends on how far out you go
The channel numbers change
Scared of a world outside you should go explore
Pull all the shades and wander the great indoors
Though lately I can't blame you
I have seen the world
And sometimes wish your room had room for two
So go unlock the door
And find what you are here for
Leave the great indoors
Please leave the great indoors
Check your pulse it's proof that you're not listening to
The call your life's been issuing you
The rhythm of a line of idle days
i know no one really reads posted lyrics, but if you have time just read these and watch the rain. thanks for reminding me of them, jessa. these words are so perfectly appropriate today. (oh, and thanks johnnay m.)
Check your pulse it's proof that you're not listening to
The call your life's been issuing you
The rhythm of a line of idle days
Scared of a world outside you should go explore
Pull all the shades and wander the great indoors
The great indoors
Lamplight makes the shadows play
And posters take the walls away
The T.V. is your window pane
The view won't let you down
So put your faith in a late night show
I bet you didn't even know
Depends on how far out you go
The channel numbers change
Scared of a world outside you should go explore
Pull all the shades and wander the great indoors
Though lately I can't blame you
I have seen the world
And sometimes wish your room had room for two
So go unlock the door
And find what you are here for
Leave the great indoors
Please leave the great indoors
Check your pulse it's proof that you're not listening to
The call your life's been issuing you
The rhythm of a line of idle days
i was trying to sleep but my bladder was keeping me, so i got up and walked the two dozen doors down to the bathroom. and when i got back into my room i glanced at the mirror for a second because it's on the way to my bed. and that's when the "i'm alive feeling" hit me like a blow to the head. i don't know why i am so preoccupied with the "i'm alive" thing. it just always seems to creep up on me at random times (but usually when i'm alone). sometimes i'm reading or looking in the mirror or trying to fall asleep and then i get the queasy feeling and i try to hide under my blanket or behind my contacts but it's all around. i'm alive and there's nothing i can do about it. it's not something i can debate or mold in my hands like sillyputty. it is a definite thing like the ground i am sitting on, the crusty nail polish i'm wearing, and the clothes that have been sitting on the dryer here for over a week. when i go to sleep i am me and when i wake up i am still me. when i read eat try to lose weight talk to other people screw up relationships stress about class enjoy things have twisted dreams write this blog i am ME. am i the only one who is very scared by this reality? i was born, i am alive, and maybe one day i'll even die and maybe someone will think about me once in a while. i am alive and so many others aren't and i am so lucky.
Friday, February 20, 2004
umm yeeeah.. and life would be so much simpler without you.
{little bursts of rage sprinkle color (red) over my otherwise drab days (gray).}
HEY ITS GLOOMY AND I want to bake it and eat it MMM
SERIOUSLY how do you not love gloomy days? the gray sky the haze that kind of settles over everything like powdered sugar topping. and there arent any shadows everythings kind of the same like 2d WOW its all like a painting. i want to sit here all day and watch tear drops slide down the window
APATHY: it makes me want to take a pair of scissors and cut all my hair off or better yet pull it out with my bare hands. there are so many people that i have seen a thousand times.. that i share two classes with. that have never noticed me. wow hello self-absorbed? [eek me or them?] i've met more than 2 in the past month.. people don't look around. they don't look because they don't care. it drives me insane. they can at least hate me... but not care enough to have an opinion? there's a girl.. and it looks like it would physically pain her to smile. in exchange for my toothy smile i get a sideways crooked uh-huh kind of smirk a.k.a. i don't give a damn about you every single day. i'm not saying i want everyone to be my friend but can they at least look around themselves once in a while and realize that they share their lectures with 300 other people and their campus with 40,000? maybe i shouldn't be mad. maybe it's because there are 300 people and 40,000. maybe that's why. whatever it still sucks.
{little bursts of rage sprinkle color (red) over my otherwise drab days (gray).}
HEY ITS GLOOMY AND I want to bake it and eat it MMM
SERIOUSLY how do you not love gloomy days? the gray sky the haze that kind of settles over everything like powdered sugar topping. and there arent any shadows everythings kind of the same like 2d WOW its all like a painting. i want to sit here all day and watch tear drops slide down the window
APATHY: it makes me want to take a pair of scissors and cut all my hair off or better yet pull it out with my bare hands. there are so many people that i have seen a thousand times.. that i share two classes with. that have never noticed me. wow hello self-absorbed? [eek me or them?] i've met more than 2 in the past month.. people don't look around. they don't look because they don't care. it drives me insane. they can at least hate me... but not care enough to have an opinion? there's a girl.. and it looks like it would physically pain her to smile. in exchange for my toothy smile i get a sideways crooked uh-huh kind of smirk a.k.a. i don't give a damn about you every single day. i'm not saying i want everyone to be my friend but can they at least look around themselves once in a while and realize that they share their lectures with 300 other people and their campus with 40,000? maybe i shouldn't be mad. maybe it's because there are 300 people and 40,000. maybe that's why. whatever it still sucks.
Thursday, February 19, 2004
gloomy again today, but for some reason it's not as great. guess you have to be in the right mood?
the weeks fly by before i have time to blink.. with monday always off friday seems to replace wednesday and thursday.
i remember mr. hizal said that you and your friends, family, etc tend to share common political beliefs. i never really found that true friends-wise, but now i kind of see how it's easier to be naturally close to people with whom you share common ideologies. and with others, it's like there is this invisible berlin-esque wall that will never fall. it's kinda always there, but you can definitely work around it.
bruin republicans are some of the rudest, most obnoxious people on this campus. i wish i wrote for the daily bruin so i could bash them into fat-rich-white-gluttonous-hell for all eternity. heehee
tue and thursday 1:45-2:45 is sort of like purgatory. i'm not actually IN class so it can't be classified as hell. but i'm not completely free either, so i'm nowhere near heaven. it's this nasty, uncomfortable hour where i know that once i get done checking my email for the 53rd time, i'll have to make the 20-min trek to YOUNG CS50 for Communication Studies 10. (and all i want to do is sleep sleep sleep).
why do i always want to sleep if i get 8-10 hours every single night? rhetorical q, i guess.
i've noticed that i definitely overuse the words "like" "kinda" "i guess" "maybe" "perhaps" "so" and other one and two syllable boogers that are completely unnecessary. i think i'm trying to "express myself" in a more"conversational" tone or something, but it's really kinda annoying. i just said 'kinda' and 'or something'.
you know what makes me feel cool? when high school juniors and seniors take campus tours. it's just nice to know i'm on the "other side".
i need advice on which seminar to take for my 1960s history class:
consumerism in the 60s and 70s *taught by prof
legacy of the 60s- civil rights, feminism, envirionment, education, etc. *good TA
individuals rights from 1960-today- abortion, education, speech, pornography, gay marriage, etc. *TA with french accent ;-)
new journalism in the 60s and 70s
^20$ says that when my time comes to actually sign up, all of them will be full.
AH SLEEP MY SLEEP BED sleep IS SLEEP SO SEDUCTIVE SLEEEEEEP SLEEEP
the weeks fly by before i have time to blink.. with monday always off friday seems to replace wednesday and thursday.
i remember mr. hizal said that you and your friends, family, etc tend to share common political beliefs. i never really found that true friends-wise, but now i kind of see how it's easier to be naturally close to people with whom you share common ideologies. and with others, it's like there is this invisible berlin-esque wall that will never fall. it's kinda always there, but you can definitely work around it.
bruin republicans are some of the rudest, most obnoxious people on this campus. i wish i wrote for the daily bruin so i could bash them into fat-rich-white-gluttonous-hell for all eternity. heehee
tue and thursday 1:45-2:45 is sort of like purgatory. i'm not actually IN class so it can't be classified as hell. but i'm not completely free either, so i'm nowhere near heaven. it's this nasty, uncomfortable hour where i know that once i get done checking my email for the 53rd time, i'll have to make the 20-min trek to YOUNG CS50 for Communication Studies 10. (and all i want to do is sleep sleep sleep).
why do i always want to sleep if i get 8-10 hours every single night? rhetorical q, i guess.
i've noticed that i definitely overuse the words "like" "kinda" "i guess" "maybe" "perhaps" "so" and other one and two syllable boogers that are completely unnecessary. i think i'm trying to "express myself" in a more"conversational" tone or something, but it's really kinda annoying. i just said 'kinda' and 'or something'.
you know what makes me feel cool? when high school juniors and seniors take campus tours. it's just nice to know i'm on the "other side".
i need advice on which seminar to take for my 1960s history class:
consumerism in the 60s and 70s *taught by prof
legacy of the 60s- civil rights, feminism, envirionment, education, etc. *good TA
individuals rights from 1960-today- abortion, education, speech, pornography, gay marriage, etc. *TA with french accent ;-)
new journalism in the 60s and 70s
^20$ says that when my time comes to actually sign up, all of them will be full.
AH SLEEP MY SLEEP BED sleep IS SLEEP SO SEDUCTIVE SLEEEEEEP SLEEEP
i just found out that the "lost" book, you know, the one that punk kid has of mine is $65. That makes me want to cry. I should confront the bastard about this... let's consult holden shall we?
"I kept picturing myself catching him at it, and how I'd smash his head on the stone steps till he was good and gosh damn dead and bloody. But I knew, too, I wouldn't have the guts to do it. I knew that. That made me even more depressed."
Well said Holden. THERE right THERE, that's why I'm marrying you.
"I kept picturing myself catching him at it, and how I'd smash his head on the stone steps till he was good and gosh damn dead and bloody. But I knew, too, I wouldn't have the guts to do it. I knew that. That made me even more depressed."
Well said Holden. THERE right THERE, that's why I'm marrying you.
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
sex maniac confined to a closet
what images did that evoke? oh that sentence reminds me of the beautiful word art on the fridge:
black men
i always produce a wet summer crush
shake it ache it about (dunno if someone really made this or if was accidental)
please lover boy take me
he beat me with lustful size
saggy breasts need her juice there
it's all kinda gross, huh?
what images did that evoke? oh that sentence reminds me of the beautiful word art on the fridge:
black men
i always produce a wet summer crush
shake it ache it about (dunno if someone really made this or if was accidental)
please lover boy take me
he beat me with lustful size
saggy breasts need her juice there
it's all kinda gross, huh?
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Monday, February 16, 2004
today my plan to wake up early to review for my mid-term backfired....hello 7 am! but it was okay though...its amazing what a weekend at barnes and noble will do for your grades.
this was the highlight of my day (so far): having toliet paper hanging out of my pants and no one telling me about it!!! its okay to laugh, its funny as hell :)
im feeling so useless because my whole day is made up of doing a bunch of things that i dont want to do...or things i hate...i feel like a slave to my own stupid life.
this was the highlight of my day (so far): having toliet paper hanging out of my pants and no one telling me about it!!! its okay to laugh, its funny as hell :)
im feeling so useless because my whole day is made up of doing a bunch of things that i dont want to do...or things i hate...i feel like a slave to my own stupid life.
Sunday, February 15, 2004
The National Organization for Women Poster Contest is available to female students. You must create a visual response to advertisers who attempt to link smoking, drinking and dieting to women's liberation, fashion magazines that imply that anorexia is the path to beauty or marketers who imply that more expensive cosmetics will improve women's self-esteem. The words Love Your Body Day and the NOW foundation web address must appear on the poster.
take this quiz
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michelle: yeah, it's fake. and holden hates movies. but it's not like the whole thing is like that. think of how many truly good films there are... and truly good actors. just think of those really pretty scenes in amelie... or all the movies that made you really think and also cry. sure there are fake movies and fake people. but you can find something real/good/interesting anywhere, i think. whoa, that was really badly written, but i'll just blame that on being sick. anyway, do you get what i'm trying to say? i think it's good that you have goals. and as long as you arent phony, you won't end up somewhere phony. i hope.
---
does anyone know what 8-12 year old kids enjoy reading? i need to write a 120 page novel before next month.
---
michelle: yeah, it's fake. and holden hates movies. but it's not like the whole thing is like that. think of how many truly good films there are... and truly good actors. just think of those really pretty scenes in amelie... or all the movies that made you really think and also cry. sure there are fake movies and fake people. but you can find something real/good/interesting anywhere, i think. whoa, that was really badly written, but i'll just blame that on being sick. anyway, do you get what i'm trying to say? i think it's good that you have goals. and as long as you arent phony, you won't end up somewhere phony. i hope.
---
does anyone know what 8-12 year old kids enjoy reading? i need to write a 120 page novel before next month.
yesterday was great because i went to barnes and noble and spent a good portion of my day studying. I got a lot done--and then when sadaf FINALLY made it there, not so much studying.
Valentines day is so over-rated. and I say that in a non-BITTER way, thank you very much! It should be another Thanksgiving where all you do is get together an EAT :)
Awww sonnAY im sad that you are sick. I hope you feel better. yeah and stacy, your life is so....not like everyone elses. i cant explain that.
okay so as I was reading for my cinema class, I was hit with this overwhelming sense of disgust. I hated screen actors. Everything is just so fake, obviously. But why the hell would I want to be involved in some huge self-absorbed monster like that?
I thought of this line from "Men of Honor"--where Di Niro is this master chief navy diver instructor and cuba gooding jr. is trying to be a diver too and the very first day the master chief does this whole spheel about how had it is to be a diver and all that... "The Navy Diver is not a fighting man, he is a salvage expert. If it is lost underwater, he finds it. If it's sunk, he brings it up. If it's in the way, he moves it. If he's lucky, he will die young, 200 feet beneath the waves, for that is the closest he'll ever get to being a hero." at the very end he goes, "hell, i dont know why anyone would wanna be a navy diver."
its a great scene and my dad totally gets a kick out it of because somewhere in there Di Niro says some line about being god--because hes a master chief and all that. Its like an ego boost to my dad, he'll repeat that line the rest of the night...its so funny :)
anycrap, uh... going back to what i was saying... actually, I had no real point so forget it! Really, there was no point in this post at all ;P
Valentines day is so over-rated. and I say that in a non-BITTER way, thank you very much! It should be another Thanksgiving where all you do is get together an EAT :)
Awww sonnAY im sad that you are sick. I hope you feel better. yeah and stacy, your life is so....not like everyone elses. i cant explain that.
okay so as I was reading for my cinema class, I was hit with this overwhelming sense of disgust. I hated screen actors. Everything is just so fake, obviously. But why the hell would I want to be involved in some huge self-absorbed monster like that?
I thought of this line from "Men of Honor"--where Di Niro is this master chief navy diver instructor and cuba gooding jr. is trying to be a diver too and the very first day the master chief does this whole spheel about how had it is to be a diver and all that... "The Navy Diver is not a fighting man, he is a salvage expert. If it is lost underwater, he finds it. If it's sunk, he brings it up. If it's in the way, he moves it. If he's lucky, he will die young, 200 feet beneath the waves, for that is the closest he'll ever get to being a hero." at the very end he goes, "hell, i dont know why anyone would wanna be a navy diver."
its a great scene and my dad totally gets a kick out it of because somewhere in there Di Niro says some line about being god--because hes a master chief and all that. Its like an ego boost to my dad, he'll repeat that line the rest of the night...its so funny :)
anycrap, uh... going back to what i was saying... actually, I had no real point so forget it! Really, there was no point in this post at all ;P
