put some new wallpapers up-- dont know if anyone's interested.

hey, guess what.. i met one of my top 3 favorite authors today. it was pretty much as great as i imagined it to be. i kept waiting for him (bradbury) to say something that i disagreed with because that always happens when i have idols.. but nope, it never did and so i love him that much more.

just some little notes mainly for myself:

On Senator McCarthy, "I was free to attack that bastard.. I'm not a social commentary person, I'm an angry man at the right moment."

"Plot is just the footprints left in the snow after characters run by."

"I used to go to Westwood 50 years ago and my wife would take my wallet away from me whenever we passed a bookstore."

"Here is a prescription to live by... read a poem every night and a short story and an essay. And none of the current stuff, because it's all crap."

"...then the ideas in your head will collide with your real life experiences."

"Ideas come from living a life hysterical for knowledge.. live at the top of your lungs."

and i also love him because he said everyone running for president is a moron, the president is a moron, and we need to funnel our money towards education-- specifically making all kindergardeners and 1st graders literate. and he's not a novelist, he's a teacher. and dandelion wine started as an article in "gourmet" magazine. and no, he never has dry spells because he always has ideas... too many ideas.. he doesn't know what to do with them. he could give me some.


so yay my book is signed and i'm twice more happy because two people commented on the 'tattered' state of my copy of d.w. which is great because that's exactly what i was going for. today was as gloomy as it gets and i don't even have to feel guilty about being unproductive because i always have monday. so tomorrow is really saturday for me while it's sunday for everyone else and i am so thankful for that that i won't complain for the rest of the day.

time for dinner.

once again, there's too much beauty in this world to be angry... kidding, michelle. you're totally justified. if you want, i'll come down to san diego so we can put our stalking skills together, track him down and ANNHILIATE. oh, i was walking to class yesterday morning and i saw freddy. he was kind of cute looking ;)


"My gosh, if you're going away, we got a million things to talk about! All the things we would've talked about next month, the month after!"

"Easy as pie. Got a motion-picture machine in my head. Lying in bed nights I can just turn on a light in my head and out it comes on the wall clear as heck, and there you'll be, yelling and waving at me."

".. if you ran, time ran. You yelled and screamed and raced and rolled and tumbled and all of a sudden the sun was gone and the whistle was blowing and you were on your long way home to supper. When you weren't looking, the sun got around behind you! The only way to keep things slow was to watch everything and do nothing! You could stretch a day to three days, sure, just by watching!"

"They pounded down the tracks, laughing, flailing the air. There went John Huff, not touching the ground at all. And here came Douglas, touching it all the time."


it's so grey outside. supposedly we're having showers. i'm excited. it hasn't been this grey in a while and grey can be happier than blue, if your mood is right.

After I post this I'm off to my last day at work.

I can't process that right now because all I can think about is the kid with the overdue book. I'm so mad because THIS IS WHAT I GET for trusting bando/frat guys. And you wonder why I have so little faith in people. I need a punching bag. I swear, why doesnt this kid stop to think for one moment, I know that may be asking too much, and check his email, or check his xanga because I've written many threatening messages. I know I'm more angry than I should be, but he fully annoyed me during the whole project. He kept arguing weird ass things and the whole group was shooting down as lame arguments---and I was the one who TRIED to hear him out. ANd woww this is the thanks I get. Do you even KNOW how many times shit like this happens to me? Its the story of my freaking life. Everyone and their mom thinks that they can walk all over me because I try to be nice. They take advantage of my niceness and they know that I wont do/say anything about it. I HATE YOU ALL. I'm so sick of people treating me like crap all the freaking time. This makes me want to drop off the face of the earth and live in a cave far far away from humanity. If I ever see this kid I don't know how I'll ever restrain myself from just taking a swing at him.

And now I'm all worked up and angrier than I was before. POW POWPO WPOWPOWPOWPOWPOWPOWPOWPOWPOWPWO!!!!!!!!!

by the way, you can only do it for so long.

pretend, i mean. that you have goals. and interests. you're a real "people" person and you walk from class to class showering yourself with thousands of pointless words. shared with someone who knows nothing about you and never really will.

refering to my last post, there's just too much beauty in the world to be angry at yourself or anyone else. and part of the sick feeling is the guilt that accompanies self pity.

ugh i feel sick to my stomach. oh, and i do think that it's easier to be sad at night because it's black outside.

oh nevermind, it's okay now because the sky was blue

i almost want to never wake up

more later

"soul on ice", eldrige cleaver

it is among the white youth of the world that the greatest change is taking place. it is they who are experiencing the great psychic pain of waking into consciousness to find their inherited heroes turned by events into villains.

On the Road, jack kerouac

at lilac evening i walked with every muscle aching among the lights of the 27th and welton in the denver colored section, wishing i were a negro, feeling that the best the white world had offered was not quite ecstasy for me, not enough life, joy, kicks, darness, music, not enough night. i wished i were a denver mexican, or even a poor overworked jap, anything but what i so drearily was, a "white man" disillusioned.

a letter from huey newton

...as we very well know sometimes our first instinct is to hit the homosexual in the mouth and want a woman to be quiet. we want to hit the homosexual in the mouth because we're afaid we might be homosexual; and we want to hit the woman or shut her up because we're afraid that she might castrate us, or take the nuts that we might not have to start with.

and i bought the phantom planet cd and it doesn't sound like phantom planet.

i couldn't get out of bed today... until 10am. every single part of my body hurt. it was GREAT.

puzzles has a good breakfast- orange juice, bagel w cream cheese, tator tots, muffin (haha i typed fummin at first)

schedule:
spanish
comm discussion
"info session"
KILLER CORE @ gym
homework
documentary

... not too bad of a day. =]

Oh wait...I bought the blink 182 cd bc I really like their 2 singles...

Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
the shadow in the background of the morgue
the unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
we can live like Jack and Sally if we want
where you can always find me
we'll have Halloween on Christmas
and in the night we'll wish this never ends
we'll wish this never ends

(I miss you, miss you)
(I miss you, miss you)

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
this sick strange darkness
comes creeping on so haunting every time
and as I stared I counted
webs from all the spiders
catching things and eating their insides
like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
will you come home and stop this pain tonight
stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already
the voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)
don't waste your time on me you're already
the voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)

so I did a lot of thinking in my cinema class. First off, I really like that class bc its stuff that I'm interested in and actually want to know. But as I was sitting there before class started--I thought about all the ppl taking the class. Obviously there were the Theatre/Television/Film majors, then there were the Comm majors and then there were my people, the unknowns. So, this is a pretty good sized class. And I mean, these could be people I may someday compete against. And so I thought about how a good portion will change majors...right? I mean its pretty much an introductory class--but its not a GE class, so now one takes it just to take it. Does that make sense? I dunno, I feel so tiny and the world just keeps getting bigger.

However, sitting next to mr. josue for a few hours and watching movies is not a bad thing ;)

4 more working days.

And I've decided that since I'll be all unemployed, I'm going to make use of my time. Yes, I admit that I can't be idle--I can't help it. I think that if you're not doing anything then you're "a waste of perfectly good yearbook space." If you know where thats from, then hey, you're cool. So anyway, I think I'll finish all that half attempted stuff from this summer and before. I'll learn to surf and snowboard, drive stick, maybe even play with my dusty guitar. Damn it though, this all requires money and time. Time I have, money I dont.

I want to be excited about something, but there's nothing I can think of to be excited about...

oh and i forgot, ray bradbury is signing my copy of 'dandelion wine' this saturday at 12 at the santa monica b&n. =D!

stace you're like a little ray of sunshine on this blog =] i'm so jealous u get to see adam carolla!!! can you get him to sign something for me??? i think he's the funniest person alive. my address is the same too-- 350 de neve dr room 333; la, ca 90024-- and i think i'm gonna start sending things to people too because when i checked my mail after christmas break all i had was one envelope... and it wasn't for anyone in our room. i was gonna say "post your addresses" but now i remember that lots of psychos can find this site because of google. in spanish there is a guy who talks to me and karen and he brings comedic relief and we call him 'italian stallion'. just 2 more hours of class and then i get to go to gymnastics and one hour of 'guts, butts, and thighs". yaaaaay. bye frosh babies, i think i love you!

Welcome back Jo :-) !!

Michelle--- what do you want??? I never knew you had it figured out.

Joanna!! I've missed you so much! I tried calling you on new years, but did you change your cell number? I reached some man's voicemail...but it's so great to hear from you. Yes yes, we should get together when you're down here--just let us know when is best for you. Ahhh, the wonderful world of college applications...it's so much fun isn't it? The best part is the WAITING. But that'd be so awesome to have you back in CA, although I dont know where la mirada is...Hey jo, I think you'd be proud of me because I've decided to do some community service at a daycare!! eeek...I dont know about this, but I'm willing to give it a try. Maybe you can give me some tips ;)

So in about one week I will be unemployed. I'm looking forward to not being to tired all the time. This is probably a blessing in disguise because I really need to focus on school. But I don't like being unemployed...

I really need to try to have a more positive outlook on life. I was reading some index cards we made for each other in guard, as I was throwing away tons of stuff (I tend to collect a bunch of crap) and everyone kept writing "dont forget to look up." This was mostly due to the fact that I always stare at the ground and need to "project up" to the judges. But then I got to thinking that I could relate that to just life in general because, in case you havent noticed, I'm very pessimistic. I say that I can't help being that way bc the world is just sooo screwed up, but I always remember the bad and never the good, so natually I'd be jaded. ja-ja jaded. whatever i dont make sense...

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, I know its very cliche but you know the question "where you do see yourself in 10 years?" yeah so, I never really had a clear picture...but now its different. I know what I want--and wow hey thats cool my life would be awesome--the only problem now is getting there. And thats a pretty big problem.

You know what else? I think my friends are super cool. Really. I'm a very lucky person. so hey you!! thanks for being my friend :)

i hate it when there is the possibility of something really cool happening and i want to get myself excited and the best way to do that is by telling people but the possibility really isnt certain and in fact its quite questionable but oh well i end up telling everyone and they get excited for me and it never happens. so i have two situations like that one in each hand and we will just see what happens or more like what doesn't.

yay for run-ons!

so i wrote my spanish essay on the end/doom of the human race and i feel kind of upset. karen's right; history repeats itself. pretty soon everyone is going to get disillusioned again... that is if they ever crawl out of the hole they have dug themselves into. one day we're going to stop and realize that we have been working towards something of no value. who NEEDS a cell phone that can take pictures? i can understand that you want not need but want and prehaps rightfully so a phone, a camera, a computer, and maybe even a TV. but when you start combining, things just get unnecessary. two or three summers ago i spent a month in a little house in the Russian countryside. we had a stove and i had a book, there was a lake, and we picked berries and mushrooms with our hands. getting water from the well was hard but i wasn't living any worse than i do in suburbia with my mp3 player and laptop. in fact, my desire to read books and learn was so much greater. my desire to get to know the people i was living with was greater. my desire to live was greater because living made sense. now i'm sure if i spent my entire life there i'd probably be itching for city life, but i can only write what i know and have learned. and that is that we need to revert to old ways. appreciate nature. i can honestly say that the best part of my day is the nap i take on the grass in the sun completely relaxed just me and sun sky clouds grass. and you can argue that it's because sleeping is great but it's definitely better outside than in my room. people lived and people were happy and people were smart and invented things a long time before modern technology as we know it existed. all i'm saying is that we need to slow down or maybe even STOP for a while or forever.

and we also need to study art and classical music because culture as we know it is dying.

oh, and i thought up a few inventions, but i'll bring them up in a later post. back to work for me.

To a man who expects a listener to be quietly attentive, a woman giving a stream of feedback and support will seem to be talking too much for a listener. To a woman who expects a listener to be active and enthusiastic in showing interest, attention and support, a man who listens silently will seem not to be listening at all, but rather to have checked out of the conversation, taken his listening marbles, and gone mentally home.

Men who want to integrate themselves with women are more likely to try to charm them by offering interesting information than by listening attentively to whatever information the women have to impart.

Women and men both can gain by understanding the other gender's style, and by learning to use it on occassion.

As a woman who wrote a letter to the editor of Psychology Today put it, "When I find a guy who asks, 'How was your day?' and really wants to know, I'm in heaven."


- deborah tannen


yessss i'm done with 150 pages.

and you're so vain; you probably think this song is about you.