It's not even six AM on the first day of summer, the first day out of high school, and I'm sitting safely at my house after my desperate attempt to stay awake while driving home. I'm sitting here with cake and a cup of coffee...and I just graduated high school. Life is very very good.

I won't go into details, but yesterday was great. I woke up feeling very humbled and very grateful, and right now...I think I'm literally hanging by a moment :)

stacy, could you be any more obvious?? Jo, please ignore her. HAPPY BIRTHDAY--I love you!

So here it is. The eve before graduation. I'm just a jumble of emotions because on one hand, I'm so ready to graduate...but I'm not ready to let go. Does that even make sense? I hope it does. I don't even know where to begin. Well, its like... for the past 12 years of my education there has always been this next step that everyone takes. you pass a grade you move on. and you can pretty much expect to see all the same people taking that next step with you. and you never really think about graduation because it just seems so far away. And you keep building up towards this one day; its what you've been working towards for 12--maybe 13 years of your life. And you get so used to working towards it that you don't even realize that you're heading in that direction...you just do your everyday routine, forgetting that every day is one day closer. And now its actually here. Funny how it just creeps up on you like that. And the thing is... the next step is unknown, or at least different for every single person out there. So they won't be with you again... at least not in the same way that they used to be.

So I guess I'm just a bit..overwhelmed with this whole idea. It is very strange. I really just want to cry and its for reasons beyond being sad...I can't explain it because I don't quite understand it myself.

I guess I'm just trying to say that if I know you at all, Thank you.

happy birthday jo. i miss you and your smile.

this is getting difficult. the more i hang out with people the sadder i get. it took 4 years, but i am starting to fully realize how many good people there really are. if only i had focused more on celebrating them than complaining about others. i really really like you people. each one of my friends has contributed something unique to me, changed me in some way. i am SO grateful. i dont care if people think i am mean... inside, i am so so grateful for everyone. i am fully aware of everything people have done for me. and i am also fully completely totally sad because it isnt fair that people are leaving me.

anthony, please stop saying youre stupid. YOU ARE SO SMART. i don't say that to many people. i think being a judge is perfect for you. i really honestly do because you are so honest fair and liberal.

you guys, i am sorry i never called you and asked you to hang out. i wanted to hang out, i just hate asking. and now i feel so depressed because... i've been filling my days with plans so i wouldnt have more than 10 min where i was just sitting by myself, thinking. i've been coming home late so i can fall asleep right away rather than start thinking of how it is over. but right now i have a few empty hours before i go to work and it is pretty horrible. thanks for all of your lovely yearbook messages and i promise i meant every word i wrote to every single person. um um um. wow i really need to get my nails off.. they're still from prom and they're gross and they hurt.

thanks for letting me know you. bye.

this is how i feel right now

itsgonnabaymay: id do things differently if i could go back
DaBumInDaSun: me too
DaBumInDaSun: :p, and i think its my fault cuz i dont really show them
itsgonnabaymay: and i do have my moods
itsgonnabaymay: i think people think i am someone who i am not
DaBumInDaSun: well its like
DaBumInDaSun: how so
itsgonnabaymay: like i think they think i am really stuck up and i hate everyone and i think im better than everyone
DaBumInDaSun: i think a lot of people have wrong impressions of me as well
itsgonnabaymay: and i get annoyed easily
itsgonnabaymay: but i dont think im better
itsgonnabaymay: and i dont really hate anyone
itsgonnabaymay: i think some people are so cool, and those same people think i hate them
itsgonnabaymay: i got so many messages like "too bad you dont like me".. ok like 3 but still
itsgonnabaymay: i spent too much time getting to know the wrong people
itsgonnabaymay: and those people jaded me
itsgonnabaymay: so when the better people came along, i was just like 'eh'
itsgonnabaymay: most of the ppl i want to get to know better, i really just met

stacy looks so urban in new york...like you belong there stace... i am amazed.

sonya that was amazing that you posted that because I woke up with this huge realization this morning and was going to post about it but you put it in better words than i ever could. but im going to post a little bit anyway...

tomorrow is the last day of like real school. with full periods and all that. the thing thats killing me...like really killing me, is just the comfort that the people around me bring. and how thats not gonna be around anymore and how i've taken complete advantage of it through the years. I mean, I just keep thinking about good kid nick cormier who sits in front of me in brit lit and how i've known that kid for so freaking long. 12 years. and it didnt matter to me before that we never really talked for years at a time..because i knew he was still around. he was a familiar face. but now hes going off to long beach and i probably wont see him again except by chance at the reunion. and even though we're not close at all... i think im going to miss him, or maybe its the idea of comfort that i associate with him. but i really really want him to have a good life. of course, no one will ever write that in someones yearbook because no one wants to admit that we'll probably never speak to each other again. but thats just how it goes. i've never ever been very good at handling change. and this is no different. all these people whom i dont know, or don't like will "leave me" and i'll miss them because they were my comfort zone.

and i keep thinking about the saved by the bell "school song"--the part that goes "our four years here have all been unraveled, our high school journey finally ends..." frosh babies were never supposed to graduate. and now we are. and im deathly afraid because i hate change and i don't know whats gonna happen--which i hate even more...the not knowing part. its like im involutarily giving up my place in the school. high school is over. thats big. at least right now, thats a very big deal. it means going out and making something of yourself and saying goodbye. because you can never come back. sure, you can come back to the school but who will be there? if you go to a football game you've become an alumni. things won't ever be the same because times will have changed and its just over. high school is over.

i feel sad for not posting for so long.. like a real post, i mean. i feel very yuck physically bc of my runny nose and the coughing sneezing stuff. but it will all pass. . . i dont know. im starting to feel sad and altho things never REALLY hit me, this graduation thing is almost starting to. its really fine until i start hearing songs like 'heres to the night' by eve6 and then i dont really think of the future but i just get this feeling that gives me that lonely pain in my stomach. and this ending is really bittersweet, if anything is, because i have such mixed feelings about it.

i know i am ready to leave and i know i am sick of all of the hypocritical phonies out there but then.. for every 100 dumb people, there is a cool one.. and that cool person i realistically may never speak to again. and when people tell me we will keep in touch i cant help but sound cynical because i know realistically that we will never speak again and if by some chance we do, our conversation will consist of several minutes of small talk with scattered seconds of awkward silence. and im sure that the part i am most scared about is not having the routine of it all. the one that i complain about but that is so comfortable because all i worry about is waking up on time and the rest is taken care of. it wont be like that anymore.. and the other scary thing is when i start thinking of my relationships with the people that i really do care about. maybe i really am cynical and pessimistic but i dont see myself staying in touch with people. if this prophecy becomes true it will most likely be attributed to my own laziness because i am a horrible keeper-in-toucher and the only reason for this is my own stupid stupid laziness because i write letters and never send them. and i know this bc it happened with my best friend from 6th grade.

on the flip side.. and here my hypocritical nature will probly start to show itself.. i dont want to stay too much in touch with people. it probably sounds stupid but i am so excited to start over.. to really be the person who i have become over the past few years and see who will actually be willing to be my friend. i want friends that didnt know who i was in high school.. i want to meet lots of new people and learn stuff from them and and .. i just really dont want to hold myself back from any of that. but im afraid i will or something will happen and .. i dont know, i just really dont want the next 4 years to be anything like the previous 4, not that they were bad or anything. some people i know i will see at school and some people i know i will probably run into online.. haha how sad. but then theres others and when i really think about it im like: wow i will never ever talk to this person. how are you supposed to go from talking to someone on a daily basis to never talking to them again? i guess i almost feel like everything is being taken away from me and i am afraid that what i will receive to fill the empty spaces will not be good enough. that is of course a horrible attitutude but what can you expect from me. [rent a room and i fill the spaces with wood in places to make it feel like home-- but all i feels alone. mr mayer] oh and [everybody's just a stranger but thats the danger in goin my own way.. guess its the price i have to pay.] oh so strangely appropriate. if you try, you'll find that you can apply john to many parts of your life.

there is something that im worse at than keeping in touch and that is saying goodbye. i just think back on my old gymnastics gym.. the one i attended for my whole childhood.. and when it was time to move away i just sort of disappeared. like a kid that is in your class one day and totally gone the next without an explanation. and when they called me and told me to come by and pick up some awards, i ignored the message and i havent come back since. and i have done that so so many times. i think i have lots of unfinished business.. with activities, with places, with PEOPLE. i try too hard to avoid any awkwardness and i end up ruining things for myself. all of the yearbook signing is a blur and i just find myself going from class to class, not fully realizing that i will never sit in those seats again. if there is one word for it it really really is bittersweet, even tho i already used that word earlier.

what have i been doing? sun-thur were days of hiking and i missed the deca banquet.. ifeel like i havent properly parted with deca so yah thats another unfinished piece. friday was really strange. i went through many periods of hapiness and many periods of blah. im just so hypersensitive moody temperemental and jealous i really need to stop caring. i always tell people not to care about things that i end up overanalyzing and worrying over. anyway parts of friday were wonderful like when ben sent a kiss a senior goodbye gram and when deca people signed my yearbook. but then parts of the signing party were lame. oh well after we went to tgif [frosh babies did] and i was in the depressive part of my bipolar-ness but my mood improved. the 4 of us sat in my car talking for a really long time. ew it was a really weird man conversation but it was so simple and nice at the same time. i know i am really really lucky. i went through a lot of crap before i found my friends. this morning i washed the bathtub and then we went shopping. i did some makeup homework then went to lj for my flute teachers bday and then back here for a little pre-graduation get together with some nice folk.

i have really been enjoying doing simple things. not going anywhere special or doing anything extravegant. just sitting and talking and i dont think people do enough of that. i cant believe im leaving at the end of september while other people are going so soon. i dont like this. i really dont like it sometimes.