Happy days! I feel like the blind man from amelie just after she helps him cross the street and leaves him by the kiosk. matt asked me if I get super powers and at the time I said no, but then I remembered that in a way I recieved slight variations of them...but no flying, unfortunately. Anyway, my soul is doing a happy dance:) Thanks to all the people who came to celebrate with me (and everyone else who couldn't be there), Im glad I could share this experience with all of you.
Oh, and in case you didn't know, I'm Confirmed!
Monday, April 18, 2005
so what do I think now? I went to bed last night and while I was exhausted from the weekend, my mind kept trying to analyze this one meeting. And after a whole day of momentarily reflecting, I still dont understand myself.
the thing that keeps popping up is that I dont quite know why I feel compelled to even pick up my phone or to be nice. Obviously, I dont owe this person anything. But Im not angry or bitter, and I most definitely dont feel this overwhelming need to sit down and blurt out all my grievances. I dont want anything--screw closure--and I hope they dont want anything from me. In a very real sense, everything that happened is dead to me. I like to believe that its all in my past and done with...theres very little in my life now that has anything remotely related to any of it. When I think of it, I dont even know whose life it was because it all seems for foreign. Maybe the person I was is dead now too. its almost like a nothingness. So the question remains, why do I even care?
many reasons and none of them feel right. the only decent one I can think of is to maybe see for myself how far along Ive come. Can I be who I am now, after years of being in some sort of personal limbo, in this situation that in the past has caused me so much more than hurt? Its easy to say that you've grown into this new and improved person once you're taken out of that environment, but dive right back in and see just how much you cant keep afloat. are you really so much stronger? have you truly learned? do you know who you are? are you sure? other reasons: Ive come to the conclusion that I'm doing this more for myself than for them. Am I trying to prove that I came out the better person? sure. that for all the attempts to die and be killed, Im still alive and on the way to be a someone. Trying to make amends? possibly. Trying to forgive? perhaps. And then I may feel some sort of obligation because, regardless of all else, this person has shared whole parts of my life that no one else can bear witness to or even know existed. that really doesnt make sense, I know. but all these little things in my head and I still dont know anything. Oh, but let me tell you, it was weird. It wasnt painful or hurtful or even scary. I think I deserve a pat on the back.
Sorry this was cryptic.
the thing that keeps popping up is that I dont quite know why I feel compelled to even pick up my phone or to be nice. Obviously, I dont owe this person anything. But Im not angry or bitter, and I most definitely dont feel this overwhelming need to sit down and blurt out all my grievances. I dont want anything--screw closure--and I hope they dont want anything from me. In a very real sense, everything that happened is dead to me. I like to believe that its all in my past and done with...theres very little in my life now that has anything remotely related to any of it. When I think of it, I dont even know whose life it was because it all seems for foreign. Maybe the person I was is dead now too. its almost like a nothingness. So the question remains, why do I even care?
many reasons and none of them feel right. the only decent one I can think of is to maybe see for myself how far along Ive come. Can I be who I am now, after years of being in some sort of personal limbo, in this situation that in the past has caused me so much more than hurt? Its easy to say that you've grown into this new and improved person once you're taken out of that environment, but dive right back in and see just how much you cant keep afloat. are you really so much stronger? have you truly learned? do you know who you are? are you sure? other reasons: Ive come to the conclusion that I'm doing this more for myself than for them. Am I trying to prove that I came out the better person? sure. that for all the attempts to die and be killed, Im still alive and on the way to be a someone. Trying to make amends? possibly. Trying to forgive? perhaps. And then I may feel some sort of obligation because, regardless of all else, this person has shared whole parts of my life that no one else can bear witness to or even know existed. that really doesnt make sense, I know. but all these little things in my head and I still dont know anything. Oh, but let me tell you, it was weird. It wasnt painful or hurtful or even scary. I think I deserve a pat on the back.
Sorry this was cryptic.
