Ive had a lot of time to do nothing. My days have no reason to them and I must admit that its a bit unnerving. The nothingness is overwhelming. My life basically consists of work and school and right now I have neither. What the hell do I do now? The days blur together into one big abyss of inactivity and unproductivity. Day and night have lost their meaning and the only thing Im conscious of is time wasting away. Its hard when you live your life based on 'to do lists' and whatnot, and then the day comes when there is nothing on that list. You have nothing to do, no where to go, nothing to accomplish, no where to be. And I think its also a bit humbling because you realize that life will always go on whether or not you exist; it matters not what you do in a day (or what you dont do), or even if you get out of bed in the morning. I think the only reason why people even set foot outside their bedrooms is because they feel like they must accomplish something that day. we must work. we must be productive. we must do SOMETHING that day. I think, a notion based on the ideas of desert and self-worth. we all think we deserve better. And in the process we make wonderful little lives for ourselves. We believe we have value. We believe our lives mean something now and will have meant something later. perhaps how we justify our existence?

For the most part my life thus far has been pretty unremarkable. I keep thinking about that line in Before Sunrise where shes talking about that guy that lived his whole life for himself until he realized that his life was for nothing and no one. And me? I have no real interests, no real passions or desires. Sometimes I try to cultivate some sort of character, but it all comes to nothing as my lack of interest inevitably takes over any sort of feeling. Not interested? And while for the most part I'm not interested in much of anything, I do have a burning desire for something better--more profound. I harbor the ridiculous romantic hope that something more adventurous and enchanting must be in store for me in the future. Why? Because there must be. The routine--the habitual sameness--of my days seems unfair and somehow cruel. A deprivation? And yet, without it I'm left with the feeling of insignificance. Losses on all sides.

Douglas Spaulding, twelve, freshly wakened, let summer idle him on its early-morning stream.

It was a quite morning, the town covered over with darkness and at ease in bed. Summer gathered in the weather, the wind had proper touch, the breathing of the world was long and warm and slow. You had only to rise, lean from your window, and know that this indeed was the first real time of freedom and living, this was the first morning of summer.

ah, yes, I remember this feeling. I am finished for the semester. woo-freaking-hah:)

my grades...well I'm hoping for the best. Poli Sci is a toss up because I ended with a 92.3% in the class but in order for it to count as a solid 'A' it needs to be 93% and above. I don't think my GA will help me out on this one as he already gave me that grade for that paper I never presented. If not, I'll have to settle for the minus but my gpa seriously needs life to be breathed back into it.
**Edited to say: My poli sci GA is a good, kind, wonderful man! :)**

yesterday I was completely useless and so not productive. I had all these "plans" for the day, which included studying for the final I had today but I did a whole bunch of nothing. Its the heat, I swear.

The laziness of the days is comforting in the fact that I am unhurried to do anything. or, at the very least, it feels that way. I feel like spending days at the beach watching people play with kites or maybe drinking iced tea on my porch while Atticus Finch throws down his glasses and takes one shot at a dog lurching down the street and foaming at the mouth. Oh Atticus, oh love!

Today my sister and I realized that she has a mullet. Oh, it was the greatest thing ever!! Business in the front, party in the back. I was pratically dead on the floor with laughter. What? How did it ever come to this??

waiting to watch star wars. oh, part of the reason why I did nothing on sunday was because Fox was playing 'attack of the clones' and I had to watch it if, for no other reason than just to watch wonderful Hayden Christensen. perhaps not so wonderful in star wars, but come on, you can only do so much with blue and green screens, and tennis balls. Life as a house, shattered glass--LOVER.

I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to spend my summer, that is, aside from school. AND we're going to Catalina. Need to get together a good summer reading list. recommendations anyone? And lover leaves tomorrow morning.

I have this bug bite on the inside of my ankle thats driving me insane. INSANE. I feel like just chewing my foot off to be rid of the constant need to scratch at it.

whew i am exhausted; it must be the heat. the sun has this terrible way of sucking all of the energy out of you. i've had that groggy post-nap feeling all day long.

this weekend was tiring in general. friday i got done with my hellish week at 1pm. i feel like it was the first friday of the year that i really got to do fun stuff, free of work or any real commitments. I met with my Art history TA for some paper guidance and then brought some brucaf to the pool. The pool was great but there were soooo many people there. All so thin and fit. I don't understand. I look around at the dining halls and people are stuffing themselves with total crap. Everyone must be bulimic. After the pool i went to the gym for a psuedo-workout. Then karen, barb, amy, bianca, and i went to The Grove, which was this cool outdoor Mall/amusement park of sorts. i was surprised to see 3 people from ucla there since it was pretty far. we tried on shitty clothes from forever21 but no one bought any. then i ate a shrimp po'boy from this southern gumbo place. Then barb, amy and i met monica and her "friend" chris at kristie and ember's room. after that we headed out to midvale and landfair. there was some stuff going on but it was lame for the most part. i met up with my friend (and monicas new friend.....) marni, which was cool. and saw people from last year at mili's. but.... the best was actually ditching everything with barb and amy and going to ralphs for some mike's hard lemonade and brownies hahaha. then i just remember passing out on amy's floor after stuffing myself silly with brownies (disgusting). and then i woke up the next morning and had some unsweetened cheerios and bread with jam. it was quite nice.

saturday we went to the getty.it was FREAKING hot but quite nice. the colors are so pure there. we pretty much sat outside and thought about how we wanted to eat but how we were too poor and in my case fat. then we came back to ucla and visited the Pow Wow which had more food that i couldn't afford to buy/eat. but we did see some cool native american dancing. then i ran at the track which was pleasant. and at night barb and i went to westwood to study. she got a pizza slice from enzos and i had to fight myself to keep from eating. how sad is that. it's really a constant mental battle. that was fun, though.

today i did nothing. woke up at 11 like a lazy bum, ate oatmeal, read for 3 out of 4 classes, went to the gym, had dinner, and read some more. didn't work at all on my paper all weekend... procrastination at its best/worst. what now? just sitting here- should really be sleeping because i have 8am class-- really craving some dessert. wondering why i think about food so much.

this is the first weekend that ive had fun in.... i cant even remember how long. upcoming events include: mentorship chapel, dessert fair on thur, CONCERT on thur, and then going hOME on FRiDAY. SURFING on monday, hopefully. how exciting.

i really feel like a tired piece of crap. and everything i wrote about was useless. everything i think about is useless. i havent even thought about art or helping people all quarter. i'm pretty disillusioned, actually. i've lost sight of goals. i've stopped talking to my parents in russian completely and i don't even remember french or spanish.

but tomorrow signals the beginning of a new week. what? i dont even know what im saying anymore. i'm just disatisfied because i havent made time for introspection. i've been trying to lose myself instead. maybe i just need to sleep. when i sleep i cant think about eating. goodnight.