i'm in a really good mood. barb and i went bike riding several times and i feel so healthy and good. YESSSSS =)

kgofgfgofk I HATE THIS djififvvvv
kdgokgordkgorkyhtuhtjk
r0yrtkj0-hom0-h9m005yik5othtmh
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHsdijs
do you know how long i've been happy?

yesterday kat and i had a nice talk over jamba juice. it was good but it also helped me see that i am completely lost on so many levels and i will never find a job that i will love. today drew and i went to balboa park and it was beautiful and green and fun but

i feel

E M P T Y

yesterday i said that stuff never hits me and today i can't stop crying

sgsg

wow. new blogger screen thingy.

i am the biggest jerk ever. i really really hate when i get emotional. I just gave doug his "gift" which was pretty crappy and fell apart in sonya's hands. i feel so horrible because i couldn't even say anything... even though I had so much I wanted to say. I couldn't even look at him. i'm such a jerk. i really really hate myself. what..I couldn't get over myself to just say goodbye? I feel so horrible about it. I hate this. I mean, I really hope this isn't the last time I'll see him...but you never know.

all today I was crying because I was looking at my dad's old navy things and I began to understand him a little bit better than I ever have before. I mean it must have been so hard on him and to rise up like he did. I felt really proud of him. Then I felt so ashamed because the life he's made for himself and for his family is so much better than what he had growing up, and I'm so ungrateful.

And before I kept thinking about how when I was younger, how he was gone a lot, overseas, and how actually forgot what he looked like. But I never thought about how horrible it must have been for him to miss out on SO MUCH of our lives. And how he flew in on my 6th birthday just to see me.

It's like my whole life I'm been so focused on how things are affecting ME. Even now. I don't even stop to think how this is affecting you...OR YOU.... or you. So I guess this is just a really long and drawn out appology. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better person who could look people in the eye and say everything that she's thinking...who took risks and didn't wait years to just finally understand.

Whatever...I have too much running through my head right now and I don't think I could make sense even if I tried.

by the way, i have really been enjoying the past few days. i really forgot just how amazing it is to feel the ocean owning you. and the ocean SO owns me. i feel really clean.

im so tempted to be like.... dont you know how hard this is for me? but then i think about HIM.. and HE'S the one that has to deal with the most. i wouldn't be able to take it.. i know that for a fact. but that doesn't make it any easier and i only get emotional after midnight when the world stops and i start thinking too much. . and i know nothing ever hits me, but this especially isn't hitting me and it probably won't until i go to pick up the phone and dial the numbers and then realize i CANT.. and right now my plan is just to keep myself busy so i'm working 5 days next week, 25 hours. this is just a very foreign concept because no one has ever been so close to me and then so abruptly left. and i hate to think it will happen several more times until all of my friends are gone. . .

I can't get over this!! Guess who I just saw on MTV's "Movie house?"--- "Most likely to be seen on TV" of 2002...David Sanchez!! HAHAHAHA its the Charlie's Angels show if anyone cares. And he is still...so hot and I was screaming at my TV "I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR LIFE!!" because I have his senior scrapbook thanks to MC's lost and found. Stalker much? Yes I know :)

good food+good weather+good music= good day :)

MACHINE

I think the frosh babies are competing for cute dorks affections...or maybe just attention. We keep declaring that we love him (both out loud and in knowing glances/whispered words) but we all know that sadaf lovers him more.

Congrats to stace for getting her FIRST JOB at ZANY BRAINY!!! :)

Okay you guys are going to have to forgive me for this momentary lapse to middle school...but could Brian Austin Green be any hotter? No really... I was watching "This time around" on fox family...err... abc family or whatever its called-- its a made for tv movie with him in it...and it was so cute!! I spent 2 hours watching it and it made me happy because i wanted to go out and rent a movie but this just solved my problem :) I'm recording it now so I can watch it in the future:) It makes me want to work at a public relations firm and totally made be forget about zainy brainy which i'm really happy about--i want to scream "you like me, you really like me!" from the rooftops.

yah yah yah i was gonna tell you guys to try there b/c thats where i wanted to work! but! i dont think im quitting my job... oh that reminds me i must write a self evaluation. i just went to coronado and it was amazing.

TOY

More learning how to drive... omg my dad is scary. but I learned a lot more than with my sister...she doesn't know what she's talking about half the time. Last night I did some room decorating while listening to my dad's old cds, lots of fun :) Surprisingly, one cup of coffee at like 7 pm kept me up until 2 am!! It's amazing what you find to do during the wee hours of the morning :)