i am so thankful for family and for the comfort of a warm house with food and drink. and my little sister is so good at piano. we were all just sitting and listening to her play. and now we will eat dinner (!) and watch the ball drop. i am so thankful that i can be here (rather than out partying or drinking), having a good time with my sister, parents, and 3 grandparents.

happy new years, friends. :-)

I must admit that karaoke is fun. And tonight I went all out. So much fun and at the end throat feels rasp--think Pheobe's "sexy" voice. But if anything else, this just proves that I can NOT sing to save my life. And I should never attempt to make karaoke a frequent pastime. If you were here tonight, you'd agree.

And isn't it funny that every time you see a scale you can't resist the urge to weigh yourself? Even though you know you shouldn't--that you'll only end up depressed. Because you'll only end up beating yourself up afterwards and hoping, against all hope, that the scale was wrong by about twenty pounds. I mean honestly, you couldn't possibly weigh THAT much more, right?

So the year is ending and I suppose it HAS been a eventful, despite all my complaining. Let's see: I lost my job, did well in school, almost joined a sorority, got more involved in church, met some interesting people, changed my major, got re-hired(?), applied myself in SPANISH, and figured out what I want for myself. In my humble opinion, a year well spent.

I have now only to determine my resolution(s) for the new year. It don't remember what mine were for this year, but hopefully I'll do better following through with these new resolutions next year:)

My sister is leaving for spain in like 2 weeks. I'm so depressed about me not going to study abroad in the new year. Mr. Darcy will have to wait another year--and I will need to work until I die to make some money to pay for myself. Because I'll be spending a whole semester working for free, and not taking any classes while trying to support myself in a different country/continent. But I'm fully prepared to forego my plan to graduate in 4 years if I get to intern abroad. I've found that in my life, there's not much point in making "plans" because they never work out the way I plan--I am ill equipped. But I am determined.

I want a coin operated boy.

If you really want to know, this is all the fun stuff I'd like. you asked and therefore I answered. dont say I didnt warn you...

1. Burberry Tote in blue check-$650
2. Gold and white gold cross-$90
3. Victoria's secret Heavenly perfume-$20
4. Colin Firth
5. Pemberley Shades (American first edition)-$800
6. Classic shirt from Express--$48
7. Mr. Darcy
8. Classic argyle socks (Banana Republic)-$6
9. Burberry copper watch-$425
10. Femman pendant lamp (IKEA)-$70
11. The Princess Bride

^and that is whhy you should just listen to me when I say that it doesnt matter! And should this list scare you away, I completely understand.

serious drama for yo mama at work yesterday had me rushing up to carlsbad to close that store while blowing off sonya and clare in the process. somehow my 8-5 shift turned into 8-930--am I being abused? So now I've been up since 7 doing last minute cleaning before the relatives come...and I'm working everyday up until Christmas Eve, so if I don't see you, please don't hate me and have a Merry Christmas! Now I must find something to eat before I clean and head off to work--yay today I get to do craft time because tomorrow I'll be working at carlsbad again so I cant do storytime. Oh oh!! I totally broke out into this RASH yesterday while working shipment...it was disgusting and I felt diseased. I'm doing shipment again tomorrow and I'm afraid of having another breakout. Maybe I should be quarantined??

and damn it, my spanish professor is so freaking MEAN. I was totally borderline A/B and she totally should have given me the A because hello, she wouldn't write me a recommendation...I think she OWES me that A.

blaaaaah screw shopping. i just want to get such good things for everyone but it is hardly possible :-( first of all, i cannot find things. second of all, and perhaps less importantly, i have already spent 200 $ and i am roughly only 1/3 done. this is the craziest shopping christmas ever. i guess it gets more intense with every year that you get older. but they moneeey the moneeey it's all too much.

GZA: They use nicotine to kill bugs.

Bill Murray: If it kills bugs, that's good, right?

GZA: Are you a bug, Bill Murray?

after a crazy day of work and shopping, i came home to an empty house for the first time in probably over a year. not kidding. and i made myself some pasta with shrimp (wow im so cool) and i watched "coffee and cigarettes" which was surprisingly so very enjoyable! yes, i liked it very much! well i liked most of it. i freaking love Roberto Benigni and most of the other people too.
SERIOUS DELIRIUM!


ummm yeah boy oh boy do i need to read and go places. just cant wait till this nutty christmas stuff is over so i can enjoy a normal break free of shopping malls. all right guess i better sleep so i can go to work in the morn! yay bye

The feeling of rejection sucks. I'm being rejected by my proposed life! A venti mocha frap, a free breadstick, a pair of argyle socks and half a sandwich later, I'm feeling better.

i have this strange, kind of sad feeling. i just went to my aunt's house and saw these people we used to be friends with. i know i've written about them before. they are these american people we met when we didn't know how to speak english yet. they invited us into their home, bought us presents and halloween costumes, drove us around... and as we "rose up" (meaning my parents got real jobs, we left santee, etc) we slowly lost touch with them. that makes me feel like we are really bad people.

they moved to alpine and over the past few years a lot of bad things have happened in their family... the grandpa got alzheimers and he is in the nursing home with one of the husbands, who had a stroke. those kids basically don't have a dad and the mom is going between boyfriends. another kid just kind of does nothing all day and i guess he's getting into pot. and i talked to him today and he was so nice and so.... he just doesn't seem like a bad kid. you know, what you'd think of as a typical "bad kid" who gets crappy grades and does "bad stuff". he's such a good kid it's just... i guess he does what his friends do and he doesn't know of anything else. and they live in this crappy place where there all these rednecks and i guess the kids don't want anyone to know they're jewish. and i was telling him about ucla and i just felt so guilty and bad and horrible. i felt like i was pip and i was being snobby to my secret benefactor, magwitch. i felt like a snobby bitch. and when my mom asked the kid to go snowboarding with us he got so excited and i just felt so so sad. i'm not looking down on him. i just feel so sad that so many bad things have happened to a family of such good natured, warm people.

i feel like i owe a lot to them even though when we knew them i was too young to understand anything. oh my god i hope no one from their family ever finds this because it sounds like a bunch of stupid gossip. i just needed to type it out, i guess.

the cold weather coming in the window smells like a holiday. i am so thankful i have a warm house to be in. i should never complain again. the things i complain about and fuss over are so freaking stupid. oh waa waa person x doesn't like me. who the hell cares. ughh i am so disgusting. i guess it's okay, though. everyone complains. even the luckiest happiest person in the world. but i do really need to tone it down.

k gonna go appreciate the comfort of a real shower minus the shower sandals.

first day back in sd.... woke up, crashed mom's car while trying to get out of garage. went to work. had fun with clare! (i really like clare) and bosses were nice, gave us souplantation certificates and coookies. loved working for 3 dollars more than i usually get. got home and slept from one to 6, oh man. didn't realize i was that tired. michelle called, we went to north county fair. got some of my shopping done (feel good about that). ate a delicious bread to get full for 1 dollar. constantly tired, now home eating peanuts. bye!

eeeee im home bitches!!! oh yes this is so exciting. i am laying on my bed typing this while eating food not from bruin cafe, not from puzzles, not from dining hall, but from my fridge. oh sweet, sweet fridge. sweet shower and covers and will and grace on tv with my mama! (not showers with my mama, only the tv part). i even got to watch a little bit of that nauseating show date your mom or date my mom or whatever. goooood stuff

in 7 hours i will be working already, but that's okay because i am in san diegooooo. and everything in san diego is better than everything in la, just because this is san diego. don't get me wrong, i love school and everything buttt yaaaah man FINALS ARE OVER. and i get a few weeks to get away from everything. and be near the beach. how awesome.

so soon the hanging out begins. the shopping begins. and driving and sitting in barnes and noble! ooh and the torrey pines-ing, which i think i just may start tomorrow after work. so yay please call me because i really want to see you.

i'm way ready to put certain things behind me and move on with my happy successful and very-complete life. being the missing piece isn't so bad. !!!!!!!!

peace out playas! :-]

ahhhhhhhhhhh i need to get out of here!!!!!!! oh my i need to get out so badly
i just need a break from all of it !!! everything is just so crappy

right now. i m glad for everyone else
who is experiencing great things

but this is too much bad at one time. i can only take so much.
(plus, don't i deserve happiness just as much as the next person?)
it's okay- nature, my shower, my bed, my home, TORREY PINES, take me away

soon i'll be home.

I think because I am constantly disappointed by people as a whole, and in general, I feel a deeper feeling of gratitude and something else that borders admiration and approval when I am pleasantly surprised by their actions.

I was upset with my poli sci professor giving me an F on a paper and not returning my calls and I acutally began to accept this new hideous form of injustice when, while at the mall, I received a call from my professor! How quickly I went from gloominess to such hope! Then, as the converstion progressed, I fell back into despair as he catagorized all my faults. But wait! My hopes raised once again, added with much joy, when he said I could re-write the paper! I must admit that I do feel a sense of gratitude for this second chance, although I still refuse to believe that I was ever in the wrong. I think, and hope, that any sensible person would agree with me. And even if you don't, just say that you do...at least to my face. Moreover, he was saying that I shouldn't feel bad because I wasn't the only one who made "mistakes" on the paper. Only I never felt bad about what I had done. I also chose to overlook his tone of voice--as if he was doing me a favor. I suppose he is, but I also fully believe that I'm only getting was it due to me--what should have been mine in the first place because I earned it. Nothing that he gave me. Still, who am I to turn away from this fantastic opportunity?? So just when I thought I was done with school, I have a paper to write:)

Another surprise: for my study abroad application I had to have 2 teacher recommendations. My old rws teacher emailed me with a copy of what he sent in. Technically, I shouldn't see it because I signed a waiver...but it was very nice of him to consider that I would most definitely want to see what he wrote! And awww...so nice! I've always wondered what teachers actually thought of me as their student, and this was a wonderful way to find out--even if it's just the tiniest bit of their impression and even if it may be entirely full of lies. But I'll take compliments to my character, as untrue and unfounded they may be, whenever I can. I felt like an absolute genius in that rws class, and it feels quite nice to have some sort of confirmation of my proud thought, and from the teacher no less! I will admit that it did do something to boost my ego, but hopefully I will not find my hats too small. And even if I should, I know my good friends will once again properly humble me to my own humorous condition in life.

because i should be studying for my physics final....

ucla sonya: am i ugly?
SmarterChild: Perhaps you're ugly.
ucla sonya: do you think i am ugly?
SmarterChild: No way! >>> Type "shortcuts" and I'll show you how to get info even faster.
ucla sonya: no one likes me
SmarterChild: Don't be so sure no one likes you.
ucla sonya: boys don't like me
SmarterChild: Boys don't like you?

ucla sonya: i am ugly
SmarterChild: Don't be so hard on yourself.
ucla sonya: :'(
SmarterChild: I don't like to see you sad. Let me know how I can help.
ucla sonya: i feel so sad
SmarterChild: There are lots of things you can do to feel better.
ucla sonya: what should i do?
SmarterChild: I can't say for sure. >>> Fishing For Bass? - Find Bass. Catch Bass. Guaranteed . With The Bass Fishing Matrix.

ucla sonya: what should i do to be happy?
SmarterChild: How would you answer that question?
ucla sonya: i asked you first
SmarterChild: Whatever, ucla sonya...

p.s. YOU SUCK

i, too, have gone completely insane. this has been one of those "strangest weeks of my life" weeks and i am so tiredof it. please, please someone make it stop.

i have a physics final at 8am tomorrow and i have yet to study because i fell asleep after work. i hate stress. it brings out the worst in me. and i hate boys, because they do too.

i just really need to get away from this place for a while. i'm going home tomorrow night and soon everything will be fine. and when i come back everything will continue as if this week never happened.

and it'll be for the best.

f it-

my God it feels good to be done with finals. I had a nervous breakdown this morning that left me a weeping and hyperventilating mess on the floor of my room. after a series of incidents that I would have found hilarious had they not happened to me, I just sent in my last final. My tired eyes and sore wrists demand the insanity end now, even though I know it wasn't even CLOSE to being correct. Yes, right now I am just happy its over.

I earned a B in geography--what joy! what relief! I admire the good prince william even more for majoring in geog...oh yes lover, please do tell me again how soil is formed....

Sadaf and I went to Irvine for my work party. it was okay and we played skeeball but on the way home we started listing all the wonderful lover qualities of our unknown husbands. must be well groomed without high upkeep or looking like hes trying. no long fingernails. must be taller than us because hey, we're short people. should know how to dress himself for the ocassion. suits. must have lover smelling colonge. argyle socks. should have a timepiece that is no way related to a cellphone. has a passion for something. should always always open doors...for everyone. should open doors in "that way" where it comes naturally and not strangely. is well rounded and well educated. gets along with animals. gets along with kids. gives flowers at random "just because." stays on the outside when walking with us on sidewalks. can cook at least one meal. offers the coat/jacket/sweater when its cold. doesnt mind singing. has a sense of humor. has nice shoulders. is motivated. can carry conversation. not afraid to show affection in public, but not in the 'ew-nasty' way. always remembers to say please and thank you. can laugh at himself. pink shirts... the list goes ever on. part of my soul I seek thee, and thee claim my other half.

Oh, how I long for the comfort of sleep!! I am now going to proceed to my bed and I shall not visit the waking earth for a month. goodbye

HUG your Mailman! (mailwoman)
.
.
.
Assassinate your Political Science professor.

its the most wonderful time of the year!!----> Finals.

2 down, 3 to go. I'm falling asleep in the computer lab. I need coffee but I'm poor and I've been sitting in front of a computer staring at the same group of numbers for what seems like my whole life. all I want to do is sleep but my class starts in 20 minutes. thats at least

i ran 3 miles tonight!! (i know that is nothing to most people...) but this is coming from the person who would whiiiine about walking uphill and who could hardly finish 4 laps around the track. yay im cool yay

so it's finals week... how exciting. it's time to bring my grades up by 2 letters with just one exam. i can so do it. Cs on my midterms will not stop me... tomorrow is french and i haven't started studying for it. but i know what i'm doing. wednesday is life science and friday is physics. it's too bad that i have to devote 12 hours of possible study time to working over this week, but that's okay. i mean i cant study 12 hours a day anyway. so yay im kind of excited for finals. finals week is when i usually realize how cool my classes are.

when i took philosophy i didnt even like it until finals week when i was forced to learn everything. then i was sad it was over. same thing is happening with life science... this biology stuff is so cool!! i love it and i love my prof. too bad the class is over.

okay so i need to stop buying and eating unhealthy snacks. today i ate pretzels, cheese crackers, gummis, and junior mints. finished all of it by myself. bleh.

so i come home friday night! and i'm already going to work saturday morning haha.. that's kind of crazy, but it will be SO NICE having that money. to spend on y'alls christmas presents haha.

what else what else? i hate the internet and i commend everyone who does not go on aim, feels no need to, etc.

and i like people who speak french.

stacy i hope you're having fun!!!!! sadie and michelle i need/want to call you back. i will just as soon as my french final is over tomorrow night. bye everyone good luck w everything

I HATE being a sophomore!!! I cant believe my wonderfully crafted schedule of classes for next semester has already been thwarted by undeserving freshmen. I want to seriously damage the egos of all the people who filled up my journalism class. pow pow you bastards like you even NEED this class. I'm sorry but I'm on a very strict schedule and you people are just IN THE WAY. so move b*tch.

yes my friends it is time to dust off those copies of the nsync's Home for the Holidays and mariah carey's Merry Christmas cds

gahhhhhhhhhhhH im so frustrated!!!! i HATE HATE HATE technology. or i hate people for creating porn and spyware and other crazy things that overwhelm my computer. it makes me want to leave everything here and go live in a cabin in the middle of no where. UGHHkjaoajs! okay im going to keep complaining because i feeel like it. what else do i have (besides people smirking/laughing aloud when you dont know why) ? well i hate physics and electricity because I DONT GET ANYTHING. also i think it's dumb that i have to memorize all of this stupid LS stuff. its interesting but it is ridiculous to expect us to memorize it just for one test. and the last thing is that i feel so undesireable and like.... BLAAAAH. i mean what is WRONG with me? it's just impossible not to ask that question.

why is everything always a disappointment?

THATS IT- the next two weeks are devoted only to studying. i wont do anything else (except running ocassionally and working because i have to). no hanging out no drawing no fun ONLY studying and thats it. that will help me get my mind off things and it will make me feel better bc if i still get Cs, well HEY, at least i TRIED.

and to YOU: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh i dont caaaaaaaare blah blah blah


daojaso[gsrf[b

tonight was so odd. If you've seen Bridget Jones (the first one) you will remember when Bridget goes to this dinner with all these 'smug married couples' and she is, of course, the only one missing her other half. [sidenote: we all know that's not true because Mr. Darcy, aka her other half, is sitting at the table as well...only he's paired up with that one lady that plays Ms. Honey in Matilda.]The night proceeds as well as can be expected when being the outcast in a room full of smug couples who cant help but wonder why there are so many single 30-somethings who just cant seem to keep a relationship long enough to actually get married. well, it can't help that underneath all our clothes we have scales covering our bodies. The entire table of smugness just stares at her. Ookay. Is it one-out-of-four couples that end in divorce or one-out-of-three? "One out of three." Well said Mr. Darcy! Oh yes, the point of my ramblings. Tonight I was Bridget and personified the word "single." And nothing, not even my own determined will to make a lover glide through the front door to save my from my spinsterhood, could save me from being so 'singled out.'

Some things to Do Before the Inaugural:
> >
> > 1. Get that abortion you've always wanted.
> >
> > 2. Drink a nice clean glass of water.
> >
> > 3. Cash your social security check.
> >
> > 4. See a doctor of your own choosing.
> >
> > 5. Spend quality time with your draft age child/grandchild.
> >
> > 6. Visit Syria, or any foreign country for that matter.
> >
> > 7. Get that gas mask you've been putting off buying.
> >
> > 8. Hoard gasoline.
> >
> > 10. Borrow books from library before they're banned - Constitutional
> > law books, Catcher in the Rye, Harry Potter, Tropic of Cancer,
> > etc.
> >
> > 11. If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix - do it
> > now.
> >
> > 12. Come out - then go back in - HURRY!
> >
> > 13. Jam in all the Alzheimer's stem cell research you can.
> >
> > 14. Stay out late before the curfews start.
> >
> > 16. Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his "accident".
> >
> > 17. Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.
> >
> > 18. Use the phrase - "you can't do that - this is America".
> >
> > 19. If you're white - marry a black person, if you're black - marry a
> > white person.
> >
> > 21. Take a walk in Yosemite, without being hit by a snowmobile or a
> > base-jumper.
> >
> > 22. Enroll your kid in an accelerated art or music class.
> >
> > 23. Start your school day without a prayer.
> >
> > 24. Pass on the secrets of evolution to future generations.
> >
> > 26. Learn French.
> >
> > 28. Attend a commitment ceremony with your gay friends.
> >
> > 29. Take a factory tour anywhere in the US.
> >
> > 30. Try to take photographs of animals on the endangered species list.
> >
> > 31. Visit Florida before the polar ice caps melt.
> >
> > 32. Visit Nevada before it becomes radioactive.
> >
> > 33. Visit Alaska before "The Big Spill".
> >
> > 34. Visit Massachusetts while it is still a State

=D

hi. i have not been myself this week.... man, what is going on? i don't know. i don't knowww. but yay i met my mentee and i love her! and i hung out w friends from last yr twice which was very fun. but yeah, other stuff.... i am weeeeird. oh and i'm failing all my classes. this is the worst academic quarter of my life. better start studying for finals.... bye

it's a luscious mix of words and tricks

I'm seriously considering throwing myself off the coronado bridge. So I failed the most important test of my life. I won't be able to get into the classes I want next semester, I most definitely won't be able to study abroad and now I only have one more chance to pass this test otherwise I have to drop the major all together.This is a horrible way to begin the hell leading up to finals. Really, the bridge is looking so wonderful right now.

With the Wife:



More

grr there's a screening of A Very Long Engagement (jean pierre jeunet's new movie w audrey tatau) and jeunet is giving a talk thing afterwards and i cant go!!!! boo to prior engagements

my room

Cause I came here with a load/ And it feels so much lighter, since I met you

So today's been interesting! I woke up at 9 to go "jogging" but I felt sick so I only "ran" four laps. better than nothing, right? Then Karen and I headed downtown to pick up her sister from Union Station. The 1 hour bus ride was actually pretty fun, although it was cold as &%$#. We got to the station early so we visited a Mexican street festival on Olvera. It was so cool!!! there was cheap mexican food and lots of little kiosks and stores and cultural dancing. everything was so colorful and cultural; it was exciting to be there. Union station is so beautiful and they sell amazing hot chocolate. So we met jeanette and then headed back to campus, which was fine. why is it so cold today? the sun is out but the breeze is SO brisk.. it feels nothing like so cal and much more like the east coast. which isn't so bad... as long as you're dressed for it. so i think we're gonna go out soon and show jeanette some of the sights... sights being "Heaven", this jewelry store that's actually called Good Choice Gift, but it is heaven to us. I think my entire paycheck goes there. from now on i'm going to monitor how much i'm spending... i really need to go back to saving. i'm working so much not to eat food but to save up for a trip.

which reminds me ... i better really start thinking about this summer. i'm leaning against pursuing my top secret idea so now i have to think of study abroad. where? when? money? apartments? i'm so scared. but soo excited. i think i'm finally old enough to appreciate the trips as much as it deserves to be appreciated. and i'm getting pretty independent. the public transporation use helps.. oh and being spontaneous too. i think i could survive in a big city. where people speak a different language? what if i go and never return??? that's highly probable. hahah my mom says i will love europe.

today on the bus there was a little boy who told us he hits people because he misses his mom. his mom lives in texas with his baby sister and brother and he lives here with his dad. he says he gets off no where because his dad is the driver and he has to wait for him to get off work. and he hits people because he misses his mom and he can't write her letters and he hits a bald boy in his class. man. i don't know even know what to say.

well i guess i'll do a bit of physics!

Please could you stop the noise, I'm trying to get some rest

Last night was the worst storm I've ever heard in my life! I woke up like 3 times because of the thunder/hail/wind--crazy. But it's sunny outside now and looking quite beautiful!

I'm so restless. I feel like I have about a billion things to do but I'm just...blah. Two weeks left in the semester--woohaw--and I need to cram everything I 'learned' from this semester in two weeks. God knows I haven't been doing anything that remotely resembles homework. I really, really have to get extraordinary grades...my whole future happiness depends on it. haha

So yesterday I took the GSP--again. I have NO IDEA how well/horrible I did and wont know until the 30th. So until then I'll live in a constant state of anxiety that will probably lead me to quit school all together and work at the store for the rest of my life (or until they go out of business) with no hope of finding a lover bc every guy that comes into my store is married. I'll die alone and unaccomplished and untraveled and poor and abused by society. And above all, unfufilled having never met Mr. Darcy. ay dios mio!

On friday I saw a bunch of teachers from mt. carmel--profe cooper, javier, profe orozco and Mrs. Halter (yay!) My first reaction was to hide from all of them, but a sense of obligation and maybe a honest desire to talk with them made me be nice. Having said that, it was still awkward. Mrs. Halter is still super cool--and her kid is almost 3!! insane.

I AM SO RESTLESS. I have no idea what I'm doing...I think I'll just run around in cicles until I get dizzy enough to pass out. last night colin firth was on snl and my goodness I love that man. But honestly, everything comes down to the next two weeks.

my sister now has a fake tooth.

ohh The Shins are so good.

so things have happened since we last talked. but i think i've forgotten them all. i guess i've been on a streak of spontaneity this week. it didn't lead to all good things, unfortunately. on Wednesday i got the urge to donate blood so i went to the blood drive, not having eaten or drank anything at all. so basically i gave my pint and passed out. my calves cramped up and i hyperventilated and now my right arm is bloody and bruised and disgusting. it was an interesting experience. i think i scared the shit out of those volunteers.

two days before that, on Monday, i failed all my midterms. that was fun. don't know what i'm going to do now... if i estimate correctly, in order to get even B's in my classes I have to start studying for finals..... . . . N O W. screw that. ehm. but francais is going okay! j'aime le cours du francais beaucoup!!!!!! i know that sentence is wrong but it's okay. d'accord.

Thursday barb and i went to westwood where we [1] ate at baja fresh [2] got jamba juce [3] saw barb's retarded boyfriend security guard at rite aid [4] found a husband outside of the chinese place (cant believe we'll never see him again. god why wasnt i spontaneous enough to ask him to marry me) and [5] found another husband driving the escort service bus. it was such a successful outing.

yesterday was the longest day of my life. yes, i'm exaggerating. but after class 10-2 and work 2-6, i went to in n out for Mentorship social, which was cool ... but every time i meet people i am reminded of all of the people i do not know. that's dumb but... i still think of that. after that i met matt and barb and hawaiian bbq, which apparently sucks. so we were sitting there and i saw a bus and said hey! let's go on the bus! so we accidently fell onto it and it was going to santa moncia so we walked around 3rd street for a long while. then we headed back and hit up a frat party hahaha. i had to beg the bouncer in my best sorority girl voice to let us in. then we returned to dorms and that was the end of it.

Today i woke up and had the urge to go to the Getty (spontaneity kicking in- btw i think ikeep spelling that word wrong). so ehm i got ready in 10 min and caught the bus (well not really caught-- i waited for about 30 min). saw the amazing Cezanne watercolor exhibit (it was freaking awesome. if you go to ucla or happen to be in la go see that !!) i'll probably go back once more and spend more time there. came back to ucla, ate, went to the library, which was very nice as the library is lovely and i was in good company. had a really good dinner because people were talking! that sounds dumb but vinh shao and shaos roommate and monica were really fun to eat with. BLING BLING. then i went to see Shrek2 all by myself. i wanted to see it and i have no friends, what can i say. but galina saw me there so she sat by me and afterwards we talked for a long time about various things. longest conversation ive ever had with her.

Now i'm back in my room enjoying my solitude with a mug of tea and the sweet melodies of The Shins. actually i'm about to change to dylan. oh my god i feel like such a phoney calling him "dylan". . mainly because i didn't know of the man a little over a year ago. but it doesn't matter right. it doesn't matter how i heard about this music (shut up salo) or when.... just that i like it. and i do! in fact, Knocking on Heaven's Door was softly playing as I went getting a pint of blood pumped out of my body.

my arm looks beautiful, by the way. blue and red and purple.
whoa chris cheng and mark ramsland just came to my door. soo random. looking for karen. haha - everyones always looking for someone else. just kidding thats dramatic.

okay time to go and imagine that the guy at the chinese place loved me but was too chicken to approach me and we're secretly meant to be and this is all so tragic.

the good times are killing me - modest mouse.
bye time to watch me some saved by the bell, baby!

you will laugh at me (and I'm fully prepared for being laughed at) but I had a Darcy dream!! Makes reality so much more painful, verdad?

I have to congratulate myself on accomplishing nothing today except finishing off half a cheesecake!! tomorrow I will suffer consequences of not studying. Oh, my spanish teacher wouldnt give me a recommendation today, what a *!&^$*&!%.

Mr. Darcy, My Love!

Just watched bridget jones. I wont say anything about it except that my heart did go all aflutter everytime they called him Mr. Darcy instead of Mark, or Mark Darcy. Colin Firth was on the radio this morning and I damn near ran off the side of the road when I heard his voice. As I told sadaf.. the clouds parted and the sun cast its rays upon the earth, I saw stars before my eyes and somewhere in the distance I heard a choir of angels singing. Oh Mr. Darcy, love me love!

I did like the previews especially In Good Company.

I have this paper in pol sci that can't be more than 2 pages. Um, I'm sorry but my HEADING is like two pages. And is 2 pages even WORTH writing? I mean, what's the point? You can hardly begin to scratch the surface of a topic. And when I asked my teacher about the length, he started (this is the teacher that likes to hear himself talk, if you remember) to lecture me about how I have to learn how to follow specific guidelines because at the university level professors are really strict...blah..blah..blah. Whatever. So I wrote my paper the way that I wanted and it turned out about 6 pages. And so I had to CUT 4 pages. hahaha FINE want a paper that doesn't make ANY sense, FINE.

I went to watch the San Diego Symphony on sunday with lotous-flower and it was quite amazing. There was this CRAZY violinist and I watched her in awe. Her fingers would fly soo fast and for a fleeting moment I thought about how easily her fingers could bleed. It was kinda morbid, I know. Copley was very pretty inside---and during the last part there was an elderly man who started to snore. Pobresito! Oh, and these snotty old rich couple tried to sneak up to better seats, and threw such an attitude with one of the ushers who I think, was older than they were. But they were SO RUDE so then the main usher lady came up to them and bitched them out. they tried sneaking into the row lotous and I were in so we were trying to listen in on the yelling while trying to look like we weren't listening. That was kinda hilarious.

Sadafs birthday was a semi-disaster. I KNEW we shouldn't have taken her mom and sisters to watch alfie!! I didn't even get to go to the dinner I helped plan, and the surprise element was totally not present. I guess things righted themselves in the end, but man, what a way to spend your birthday! whatever, we're watching finding neverland on friday, and I'm watching bridget jones 2 on saturday so all that remains between us and our loves is this WEEK. please week, pass by quickly.

I got a 1 am call from sonya expressing her DELIGHT on getting sbtb dvds in the mail. In my head, it was weird, but I couldn't sleep anyway.

I think, you should be happy for me that I deleted some messages.

i haven't written in so long!!!

this weekend was a lot of fun. friday was amy's 21st birthday get-together thing so we had dinner and hung out at her apt. there were many funny moments. saturday and sunday i went to All Tomorrow's Parties at the Queen Mary in Long Beach.

-- writing this feels really awkward and i just realized why. i'm taking science classes so i've completely forgotten how to write. nothing is flowing. yet i shall continue --

Saturday was pretty cool. we saw Sefjan Stevens on the small stage on the ship and then headed over to the main stage for The Walkmen and Modest Mouse. Modest Mouse was pretty cool and then we saw Lou Reed. I really liked the Velvet Underground stuff, didn't appreciate the spoken word (Ecssstaaacyyyy) so much. it was such a freaking long day.. basically standing up from 5 until 12, inhaling soo much nasty stanky pot.

Sunday was awesome. We sat around on the grass duing Stephen Malkmus (and the Jicks), observing "Polly-Pocket"-like indie couples. they looked like little fairies. everyone was so "different". i almost felt like i was in the 60s. then we prepared ourselves for 6 hours of standing in one place and The (freaking) Shins came out. Listening to them was definitely a spiritual/sexual experience. The sound kind of enveloped me and all of the instruments just blended together--- okay i am not going to try to explain or describe it. but it was beautiful in many ways and i freaking love The Shins. Then Built to Spill came on, and they were pretty good. pretty mellow. Then we stood around awaiting The Cramps and we had no idea what to expect. They came out and they were a bunch of freaks. they loooked like they drank blood and hung out with vampires but they were v. funny and cool. we got stuck in the mosh pit and joined in on the insanity just to survive. yay for Satan music! Finally Wade & The Flaming Lips came out. it's almost impossible to describe and i pity those who have to write concert reviews and such for amazing performances. Highlights include Wade's psychadelic mic-camera, the anti bush propoganda, the Yoshimi sing-a-long with the nun, gigantic balloons, animal costumes, and The Bubble. it was just a different dimension (or something) so i won't bother trying to explain further.

Well the concensus is that it sucks to be back to class, life, reality. it's like all i have left is this hot pink wristband (and the memories of course).

Oh, my birthday was spent well. Thank you so much to all who contributed to it-- i don't mean like, contributed to my birth, but to me having a good day. i really do have the most wonderful friends and family on the planet!!! I can't wait until thanksgiving !!!!!!!!!

this is the week for catching up, since my 2nd wave of midterms hits Monday. i think i'll feel a lot better when i sit down for some hardcore studying. i don't think i've studied all quarter.

bye!

sonya went to a shins concert!!! lucky girl. she left me a message with them playing which was very nice of her. I'll keep it like stacys maroon 5 message.

1 brandons bday message
2 joannas message
3 stacys maroon 5 concert message
4-16 eriks messages
17 sonyas shins message

I have 17 messages in my mailbox. That's unbelievable. I should delete messages 4-16 because no one cares if you give nice hugs (unlike 1).

taking a break. I'm at school bc I decided I really needed an environment free of distraction. Wonder at not finding a place CLOSER to my house. Honestly though, I've been sooooo distracted that I KNOW I'm toying with my grades. I like, haven't gone to my accounting class in forever! I'm so borderline its not even funny. AND I'm FREAKING OUT bc a test tomrrow will make or break my grade in, of all classes, Geography!!! Trust me, no matter what you think, it's NOT that easy. anyway....

I really really like the kids that go to storytime. They are so much fun! And I like that customers know me by name and even though I dont know their name, I know ABOUT them and most likely their kid's name. I shall be very sad to leave, I think.

vote or die

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sonya saw TOM CRUISE today and I'm insanely jealous! He's absolutely wonderful and the crush spaning my whole life. oh lover, old sport.

I gave blood on sunday and I swear the guy just felt like STABBING me with the 3 inch long needle that's as thick as a pencil!!! yes ha ha it's all nice and funny until my vein is spurting blood, my poor arm is bruised and my cringing in pain.

I heard Cary Elwes (Westley in Princess Bride) on the radio while I was driving to school. He was promoting his new horror movie, "Saw," and just listening to his voice was enough to make me have stars in my eyes for the rest of the morning. oh lover.

I made buttons today!! How's that for regressing?? yes I met with my old friend the button machine, except this one wasn't automatic so it took quite a bit more energy. Remember when we made buttons for all sorts of random things with random sayings?? What fun!

NARIZ. <----I have no idea why?

enjoying my days off from work but they aren't used in the most productive way. I am so easily distracted!! I think it's because I'm so easily amused. It's really quite pathetic...please focus, we want to pass classes, yes we do preciousssssss.

OH OH!! In the new pride and prejudice (currently filming) with Keira Knightley as Elizabeth, they got the most RANDOM GUY to play Mr. Darcy. I think there's quite an uproar in the community as people simply love Mr. Darcy aka Colin Firth aka Mr. Darcy and Jennifer Ehle. And honestly, how can you do justice to the book in like 90-120 mins??

goodnight.

ugh. accounting class canceled today but of course, I don't check my email (and didn't go to class on monday) so here I am sitting in the computer lab. I have 2.5 hours until my next class...I will have to content myself by reading my new darcy book that came for me today from the library!! It is the perfect weather for reading:)

I bought a new umbrella today--tiny little thing--so I'm happy to give it some use.

i had a fabulous post that never saved/posted so heres a recap:

1. Bought another Darcy book for $45--$57 w/shipping!!!! ay caramba....
2. Recieved my check for working at another store (finally) so I don't feel so bad about no. 1
3. Realized I need to be rich if nothing else but to buy the first editions of all my favorite books. I found a first edition catcher in the rye in FABULOUS condition for $20,000...
4. I loVE the rain---except when I have to drive in it.
5. Homework, what homework?? Semester is halfway done...7 or8 weeks to go??

I figured I'd post since I can't concentrate on working. It's still gray and lovely outside. Tuesday are my favorite. I work from 8-11, which isn't so bad, and then after fifty minutes of French I am done for the day (except for a meeting at 7). I've successfully wasted three hours and it is time to get down to business. I am four chapters behind in Life Science reading and I have a French test tomorrow morning.

Je m'appelle Sonya et ju suis de San Diego. J'aime le film "Amelie" et le musique de Elliot Smith.

oh my, my vocabulary is so limited; i should really be putting more time into this class. ooh i wonder if i will understand anything if i watch Amelie again.

This weekend was fun. Friday night I went broomballing and it took me until this morning to de-sore-ify. So much fun. Saturday I went to Venice, which was pretty fun. Sunday my family came up (YAY!!) and we visited the brand new Impressionist exhibit at the LACMA, which was VERY VERY good. yes i am only gaining confidence in my goal of getting an art history degree. so yay for art and Renoir's Luncheon of the Boating Party, which just so happens to be the painting the Glass Man paints (and yes i did spend a considerable amount of time trying to understand 'the girl with the glass'). haha oh old raymond dufayel. old sport.

which reminds me, i miss holden.

yes, but let me tell you about the food i have in my room: Gorilla Munch cereal and milk, dried Apple Rings, remanants of a stale baguette with butter, dried toasts and hummus, strawberries, chocolate Cats cookies, and pomogranates. Trader Joe's is a beautiful place and my parents are beautiful people for taking me there.

Wow hey i could look at the sky all day. it looks like an el greco painting and el greco was the old van gogh. well this isn't nearly as dramatic, but maybe it's all in how you see it? "impressions".

and without that i'd be an 'empty shell of a human being'.

gotta study!

May I recommend some rainy-day listening:

The Shins, anything from "Oh, Inverted World" but especially "Weird Divide"
Chopin- Minute Waltz
The Dandy Warhols- Bohemian Like You
Elliot Smith- Waltz #2

that's a nice variety =]

at church there was a lady talking to the congregation about prop 71 (prop 77?--the one about stem cells) and this man like, charged the Altar and threw a FIT!!! He was yelling at her and at Monsignor about separation of church and state. Right in front of the Altar too. Utter chaos...people are shouting at him to sit down/leave/shut up but he just continues his tantrum and so all these men have to "escort" him out while he's pushing and shouting that we can't kick him out because he's a Roman Catholic and he's baptised...confirmed...yada yada yada. Then, round of applause for the gentleman who removed the crazy from church, and a standing ovation for the interrupted, wide-eyed lady...followed by a few, very serious words from Monsignor who had somewhat of a sad/disappointed demeanor about him. Wait, someone just got kicked out of CHURCH?!?! I was so UPSET. I don't even know how to put it in words. I guess though, I'm just saddened by it all.

i think it rained for 12 hours, maybe a little more or a little less. i had the room to myself, which is a rare and beautiful thing (not that i don't love my roommate, because i do). i opened the windows as wide as i could and i just stood there and smelled and listened for some moments. and then i cuddled up in my covers and watched good will hunting while listening to the background of raindrops. let me just say that i LOVE good will hunting and i learn something new every time i watch it. and perhaps more than i love good will hunting, i love RAIN and since we don't get it here much i am trying to appreciate every single moment of the grey skies and fresh air. well i doubt the air is fresh but it smells good. okay i have tons of work to do. latahz!

It's raining!! Right now its calmed down to a light drizzle, but just minutes ago it was coming down something fierce. How lovely! Now all I want to just hang out in my pjs with some tea and a lover, but I'd settle for a good book. Unfortunately, I must brave the elements and actually attempt to drive in this weather but I know I'm only going to end up with a headache. Still, it brings in the feeling of the beginning of the SEASON that I enjoy so much:)

12345 world trade drive. isn't that a wonderful address?

this is obviously belated but : happy birthday matthew!

I was at party city yesterday and ran into this little boy named Justin and his family that I know from work. They're russian but I don't assume they know sonya (sadaf). I started to talk to them but I'm not sure if they placed me...still, I like that little boy he's funny. His mom wanted to buy him a halloween costume but all he wanted was scooby doo stickers. Actually, I know this kid from zany brainy because I remember he would always buy plastic food and have me wrap it up...but it wasn't a present, it was just for him. He really liked the wrapping paper.

Wow the rain has stopped completely for the time being. Silence. wow, I hope everyone stays inside so I dont have to deal with them.

I struggled with sleep last night as it kept threatening to take me but I managed to stay awake until I finished my second darcy book @ 3am:) I don't know why I'm awake now. OH!! I convinced one of the mothers I've befriended to read p&p and she liked it (and darcy). I was surprised, but she said that she wanted to know what was "so good" about p&p that I'd re-read it, and forego all the lessons/lectures of class. Spread the darcy love and good cheer.

P.S. broomball makes my body ACHE.

am i the only one who sees it?

Happy Birthday, Matt!!!
---

in unrelated news, 1 is definitely the lonliest number. and skipping physics discussion to fall asleep under the sun by the fountain is great.

matt: ill surf for both of us and you can live a college life for the both of us

aweosme! between the two of us we kind of have an almost normal human being. (almost). oh how lonely the ocean will be next year. fear not, my dear friend ocean! i am going to help keep you clean and lovely!

class/class/class/voter registration/lunch/study/tutoring/debates/meeting/study/sleep. that is how it goes.

and never had she so honestly felt that she could have loved him, as now, when all love must be vain. . .

Ah I really shouldn't be posting but I finally got my darcy books in!! oh lover. Mr. Darcy exists on a level that cannot be compared to everyday boys/men. Isn't this lovely: "Fitzwiliam Darcy, Gentleman" doesn't that seem like it should be on a business card?? Yes hello, I am Fitwilliam Darcy: Gentleman. oh lovely lover loverson.

sadaf and I like to entertain ourselves with fictional realities about lovers with nice backs that are respectively 5 years older than us.

And I only seem to make friends with mothers in my classes.

I honestly don't know how I'm going to survive tomorrow! spanish presentation +2 midterms. and then on thursday I have jury duty--lucky me. I absolutely cannot be chosen because then I'd fail my classes. not fun poppet, not fun at all.

other things:
-The more time spent at B&N the more you run into people and think "what IS their name?!"
-It's wonderful when significant others are proportional to one another.
-"and I have to speculate that God himself did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay"
-no really, I am filipino. thanks.

Christopher Reeves passed away. Farewell gentle hero.

eep better post while i am in posting mood! i am tired but the day has been good. actually it has been really good.

i had to wake up at 7 for work (YUUUCK) but work actually wasn't bad. the first hour i just discharged some books and then 2nd hour they needed someone to cover for the library guard. basically... there's this box thing with a really comfortable chair at the front of the library and someone sits there and "guards" the library, just telling people they can't bring food or drinks in haha. so i did that from 9-10am, literally sitting there doing nothing but people-watching. then the supervisors decided it was time for a break and then after i shelved a few books.. work was done!

and then after french

i saw michael moore speak! AND joan baez (singer songwriter civil rights activitist extraordinaire of the 60s) came too! it was fun standing in line and getting harassed by the bible thumpers and bruin republicans and then finally hearing m.moore for a good hour and a half. except it was freaking hot outside.

OH Side Note from yesterday: last yr i volunteered with Oceana to convince cruiseships to install waste filtration systems AND i just found out yesterday at oceana.com that they won the campaign!!!! volunteer efforts are NOT futile.

and with that new motivation (+ michael moore's), tonight i'm going to stop by the CALPIRG meeting and tomorrrrrrow join the Bruin Democrats to watch the Debates!!!

okay i'm SOOOOOO behind in my schoolwork. see ya

wow i apologize to michelle for having to single handedly keep this blog alive. i guess i just haven't been in the writing mood. that, and i don't really have anything to write.

i guess you create your own excitement. some people's lives are really exciting because they do stuff. i.... don't do stuff. however, i still somehow don't ever have time to study or do my homework! a paradox?

the weekend, like the week, was pretty uneventful save last night's trip to 3rd street where i was grabbed by that guy who dresses up in silver and pretends he's "galactic" (or something). bastard.

but yeeeah, my days are a mix of (in random order): eating, class-ing, sleeping, (studying), working and exercising. i'd say the best parts of my week are when i get to run or swim (or go to gymnastics) or take a fitness class. as for WORK.... work is work. i hope i meet someone there today. people are okay so far, but i'm waiting on someone superdupercool to show up.

it's like.. i say i want excitement (a boy). but as soon as there is one i just get all messed up and i can't concentrate and i start going internally insane sooo.. perhaps it is best that there is no one (for the time being). but i am really excited and happy for anyone who does have what one would call a "potential" because they most definitely deserve it. and i get to be excited with/for them without the side-effects of going insane.

blah blah gotta go to work now blah blah blah. . . bye!

sonya and I are on a quest to attack Mark Darcy aka Colin Firth aka Mr. Darcy:)

bridget jones 2 release date: nov. 19th
New York premiere date: nov. 16th

more to come!! please let there be a los angeles premiere.....

I'm excited because I have 3 days off!! last night I rented Bridget Jones and watched it at sadies. We both gasped and cried (at least I did) over he that is the wondeful Mr. Darcy. We both wanted snow and a dashlingly handsome and charming english gentleman to give us rings that bling. I also decided to buy 2 Darcy "sequels" and am eagerly waiting...waiting...waiting for them to reach my door. I did let Sadaf borrow my Pride and Prejudice last night (complete with post-its, underlines, and dog-eared pages for easy lover accessability) and now I feel a little bit lost without it!

I also rented: Coffee and Cigarettes which I have yet to watch. Despite my mini-break from work, I'm not any less busy. Midterms all next week and THAT has put a big stormy, scary, worrisome cloud over my weekend:( However, once I get past the week I shall reward myself with a trip to el cine to watch "I heart Huckabees" on friday... but that's 2 midterms, 1 spanish exam, and 1 presentation away!

Poway Preview tonight and I'm excited to go but I also worry about the time I could have been studying. Gahh. I wanted to sleep in today but I only made it to 8:30 before I started worrying about wasting the entire day.

beautiful:



I've become increasingly convinced that mr. darcy is the only gentleman of my acquaintance that has ever truly mattered.

everyone has such exciting lives!! yay to sonya and stace :)

tonight was the light the night walk and I love sadaf for going with me. first of all, I was really happy to be able to be a part of something like this. and the amount of people that showed up was amazing. people got red and white ballons and we lit them up and walked 2 miles and it was great. i was glad to be there tonight.

secondly, i love sadaf for knowing me so well and for keeping me IN CHECK. honestly, she had to keep me from being crazy. we ran into some people (ASB, believe or not) and Mr. Garrett from mchs. And this really cool guy named joe but he was dressed like Ben Kanobi (sp?) from STAR WARS. Sadie and I took a picture with him :)

there was this dance team there and I thought of stacy. Oh, and watch vanessa carlton's new video for "white houses" because it makes you want to dance :)

I did tell my boss that I'm currently looking for other "options"--mostly because one of my references is another manager at a right start and I dont want my boss to here it from her first. So thats that. Hopefully, I'll get something soon.

i guess i should take a minute to post. it's not that i haven't had a minute, but... if you aren't in that posting mood then you should just better wait until you are. i think i almost am. actually, i'm just very bored.

i miss everyone from sd soo much. my friends, my family, and sd itself (oh torrey pines, how i long for you). but we all know how fast time goes by so we'll all be together soon :) but still. i miss you. it's soo much easier and more satisying to hang out with y'all than to waste time "socializing" with people who have nothing in common with me.

that being said, i have met some nice folks and everything. the floor is pretty cool, i suppose. actually i don't know about it as a whole, but there are individual cool people. but the freshmen are freaky. they're all corrupted already. you're not supposed to come here already corrupted, are you? i have no one to corrupt :( no. just kidding. one thing i hate is when there is a cool person they are always surrounded by a million other people. i don't like competing to be friends with someone. i just back off.
there's a lot of freshmen on this floor. and a lot of drinkers. and a lot of south campus majors.
mine and monica's friends from last year had an apartment party and it was a lot of fun. just goes to show that old friends are so much better than new friends. i'm an old-friend person. :)

as for class. i woke up this morning and realized i'm taking a bunch of science classes (well, two). but i am really enjoying french! i shouldn't write about classes until next week, when i'll actually be learning things. but it is nice to recognize people in my classes. makes the hugeee school feel a little smaller.

AND THE CAMPUS IS STILL SOO BEAUTIFUL. and the food is still lame
next week i'll start working. 12 hours/week. supposedly there's a staff of 120 students so maybe i will make a friend. or two. it's really crappy pay but i don't want to use up my summer savings (except i already did, on books) so i need to work.

college life agrees with me. so much freedom. i cant take a nap whenever i want. in fact, i'll take one now.

OH AND i want to go to Israel this summer. i'm just writing this here so i won't forget to sign up. we'll see :-) i MISS everyone so much. i hope you're all having good lives!!!

busy busy busy. Some new developments worth mentioning:

1. yesterday I officially changed my major:) hip hip hooray!
2. I've started the process of finding a new job. Faxed out resumes today but I dont know how to tell my boss (or WHEN do I tell her)
3. started the last couple classes leading up to my confirmation:) hip hip hooray!!
4. presidential debates: please watch them
5. light the night is tomorrow
6. homecoming game (mc) is tonight...
7. barnes and noble bathroom is a SCARY place to run into people.

time to eat :)

yesterday I drank way too much coffee and I was still wide away at 230 in the morning. I sometimes forget about my 6 am wake up time. I did, however, manage to wake up and make it to school on time (for once). Now that school's starting to pick up Barnes and Noble is, once again, my best friend. And I absolutely blame them for the amount of coffee I consume in a day.

yesterday I had my ring finger sized again. I absolutely believe that every girl should have her finger sized. See, in the course of the relationship with her soon-to-be husband, she can make him aware of her ring size (either with subtle hints, or through the craftiness of her friends) and it eliminates the issue of the "wrong size" or shopping for a ring together after the proposal. I think that he should be fully prepared with the ring and once its slipped on your finger THATS IT! no resize or anything. that rock is yours to flaunt and blind others. and so the only way to ensure the smooth proposal is to do your bit and make sure you know your ring size (and its so much more than whole numbers) and I also assume the soon-to-be husband would be grateful to have this information so ready at hand.

random post. I'm sorry you just read that. well, in an attempt to make this post semi-interesting:

And he'll go home alone that night cause he was in too bad a mood to spit magic at the ladies and find his kids a step-baby's momma.

that zach braff. he kills me. Garden State DVD out in time for Christmas!! And you know what THAT means....

So you've probably heard about the war blogs by now. You should really check them out. http://cbftw.blogspot.com/2004/08/men-in-black.html

hello world! I love my friends. it's days like these where I realize more and more how completely wonderful my friends are!

now come on, aren't you jealous?

For Sonya from Darcy:

In vain have I struggled, it will not do. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.

I may say the disclosure had quite the opposite effect to the one she intended. It taught me to hope as I had scarcely ever allowed myself to hope before.

Mr. Bingley : Darcy, I shall never understand why you go through the world determined to be displeased with everything and everyone in it.
Mr. Darcy : And I will never understand why you are always in a rage to approve of everything
and everyone that you meet.

Miss Bingley : I believe I can guess your thoughts at this moment.
Mr. Darcy : I should imagine not.
Miss Bingley : You are thinking how insupportable it would be to spend many evenings in such tedious company.
Mr. Darcy : No, indeed, my mind was more agreeably engaged. I've been meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes and the face of a pretty woman can bestow.
Miss Bingley : And may one dare ask whose are the eyes that inspire these reflections?
Mr. Darcy : Miss Elizabeth Bennet's.
Miss Bingley : Miss Elizabeth Bennet. I am all astonishment.

School is kicking my butt. Theres no time, theres never any time! And work keeps calling me to come in but seriously, I'm like dying and my school work is getting affected and this needs to stop NOW. I have to go do storytime today and I'm really not in the mood. I'm actually dreading it. Hopefully, PLEASE, the other girl will go to work today and I'll not have to go in.

I have a dentist appointment later on today too and I'm afraid they'll tell me I have about 10 cavities. I really want to get my wisdom teeth pulled out though because they're jacking up my teeth and the 3 years I spent with braces are going down the drain.

p.s.I fixed the sidebar and finally put a bullet for stacys pics. it was bugging me for the longest time.

wake me up
show me the way to stop dreaming

I'm happy because driving home after school I saw a falling star and I never imagined anything could be quite so beautiful.

Bye everyone! Bye story-time books and songs. Summer unreciprocated love, at least i got some good music out of you. Goodbye Beach Bum, seaweed, and sand on every single freaking part of my body (ew). Bye shelving, books, familiar routines and people. Sal, Mom, Dad. So long Miramar Road, 56 to the 5 to the 805, 15, 52, and my very favorite- 163. So long Hillcrest, Balboa Park, and the Gaslamp-- although I did not see much of any of you. Mira Mesa, not that I will miss you much. All of the nice folks at the libraries, and the weird and not-so-nice ones too (you know who you are) (just kidding). My lovely friends. Goodbye izm and Camry and even Rendezvous, although we are mere acquaintances. Fashion Valley, Santee, UTC. Quynh, who I taught to drive. My faithful surfboard, W.C. and the frenchman that I will "see next time". Goodbye bed, house, backyard, street, even crappy annoying speedbumps. See ya later PQ! I will miss the San Diego air. everything tastes different in L.A.

But ALAS, I will be back soon. Muahahaha. Tp, don't miss me too much. later yo

I just realized that I worked 6 days straight. ay caramba! On Sundays I get to do whatever I want because I'm the only person working, and so I like to play my Miss Saigon cds when no one is in the store. But at like 5:45 this lady comes in during "last night of the world" and she's filipino so I just let it play. Her husband comes in like, 5 minutes later during "i still believe" and immediately he says, "hey I know this!" and his wife says "yes it's Miss Saigon" and I'm just smiling away behind the counter. I play "sun and moon" and she just gushes that it's her favorite song on the cd. I give them a discount :)

lover, this is stopping now. I've slowly become aware that this whole situation is rather hopeless. I know this. So many things would have to fall into place for anything to even become a possibility... and its all quite impossible. But this is not a matter of logic, lover. It is a matter of heart, and the fact is: you've given it away to someone else. You don't lover me, you won't lover me in the near-distant future, and I'm not sure you even like me. In my head, I know all of this but I still hold on because I love the idea of lovering you. And it sorta hurts my heart to let this, you, go. But you know what else? you aren't above me... you are just another boy. I can't spend my time lovering you because I think I owe it to myself to have someone lover me back.

I shall conquer this. I shall.

we're just two lost souls swimmin in a fish bowl year after year. <= i liked that lyric so much, i drew a picture for it. but it really sucks. oh well. what a great song.

REPETITION. i listened to a whole lecture about it in English last year. it really is fascinating tho. think about little kids-- the way they want to hear the same stories over and over again. they don't get tired watching the same movie five days in a row. they like being thrown up in the air and they always yell "do it again!". well that doesn't change. we watch movies over and over again too (otherwise dvd sales wouldn't be so high). we listen to the same songs and CDs many times. we go to the same stores, read the same newspapers, order the same food and drinks over and over again. we do all this because almost always repetition eliminates the risk of disappointment. why waste your money ordering a sandwich that could taste like shit when you know you will be completely satisfied with turkey on wheat? it is of course true that sometimes when read and watch the same things more than once we learn or realize something new every time. but i don't think that's the real reason why we do it. it's not bad or anything. just kind of funny and true.

i'm only 1% done with packing. what a failure. i swear i had something important to say... if only i could remember what it was.

today was pretty good. i did laundry, picked up pics at costco, went to trader joes, wasted time at target, and played at the park and in the street like a little hoodlum. but i did NOT find rollerblades. gr

so im not ready for school yet but im getting more excited. i cant wait to put my pics up! and i just applied for a job. pleeease let me get a job. then i wont have to join extracurriculars cuz i wont have time hahaha. i wont have to feel guilty for not joining anything. plus looks like ill only be taking 13 units. 13!!! maaan. my money is going to waste. this means ill be taking 19 from now on. SCHOOL!! WOW!! yeah, i guess it's very exciting.

where was i this past month. was i even on this planet??

Could you ever want me to love you
Could you ever want me to care
Disregard my nervousness please ignore my vacant stares

shell, i'm sorry but those words (by the violent femmes) reminded me of you. well of me and you. not about each other you sickos! whatever im obviously post-happy. eeee!
UM IM SO TIRED IM SO TIRED i just wanted to post those lyrics

isn't "blister in the sun" a realllllly nasty image ? it reminds me of someone who would have warts on their hand.

HAHAHA Bill Maher

crap i didn't realize how much i have to do. it's always like that. anyway i went surfing, ordered digi pics, and picked up my mom so everything is good!! well not everything, but the important things. actually i didnt really go surfing. the ocean was a BEAST. but i enjoyed sharing a common frustration with every other surfer there (not that i'm a surfer). anyway god i love tp. if i could only express to you how much i LOVE it. it's the only place in the world i can completely totally be myself (even the parts of myself i don't understand) and it is okay. how freaking lucky that i discovered such a place. i bet many people are still searching.

SOO much shopping and packing to do. i don't know about this summer. a little bummed i didn't get to see much of my mom and enough of my friends. but such is life, right ? just gotta appreciate the good moments. but i'm really going to try to suck more out of life. there's no point in being mood or depressed. there's just not enough time. it's really that simple... days, years, LIFE is too short to be depressed or upset or to hold grudges. sitting here listening to wish you were here just makes me so sad. thinking about people i don't know anymore or will never know. but i guess i have plenty ahead of me. i don't even know what i'm saying.
i just expect so much out of people. they don't deserve it, but i can't help blaming them.

LIFE IS SO SAD. i mean, it's so good but it's so sad. and it is such a gift. every day is such a priviledge. and i get to go away and meet all these new people (although nearly all of them will disappoint me) and learn interesting things. it's all so beautiful. i sound like a retard but... right now i think i'm just feeling everything a little more than usual. like zach braff when he got off medication. except i never took any. wow i feel almost raw or something. i think it's the music

my mom is home and life is SO FRAGILE. just hearing all the things she had to say about her experiences in new york... how someone can go from young and vivacious to old and thin and weak and skin and bones in just four months. i mean, i live in this bubble

with my ocean, friends, family, work, car, music, hobbies. and there is so much bad i never think about and it could totally happen to me or someone i love. i don't mean i should dwell on that stuff but. it's just important for us to realize how good we have it. we have it SO GOOD.

the ocean. art like modigliani's portraits. friends and family. the moment music reaches perfection. it's almost enough to not be scared of dying. it's almost enough to say "i've had an amazing life". i don't know what i'm talking about. this post is clearly illogical and unorganized. it's just scary because

i feel time slipping through my fingers. that sounds like crap but i promise i FEEL it. where the hell did this summer go. what did i even do. have i affected people? have they affected me? what have i learned. how am i different.
i know one thing. i spent too much time "out of it". shelving books without thinking. staring at the wall on my breaks in fifteen minute intervals. not that i should be thinking all the time. but i gave up too much time to routines. i don't want to do that anymore. i want my life to be different.

i have to shop. i have to pack. i have to leave. (btw a few pics are up on imagestation now)

good news! i fixed my imagestation uploader so now i can put pics up. my vacation pics, john mayer concert, and random recent stuff needs to go up. i honestly didn't shoot much this summer though. no time; there's never any time.

hey hey i am feeling happy. because... if someone doesn't lover you then they aren't that great, huh? not in like a everyone should lover me conceited way, but in the way that... someone who doesn't like you obviously isn't good for you. so there has got to be someone else out there... maybe not "better" but better for you. and that's probably the key to getting over people. can't force someone to lover you, after all. imagine being forced into lovering someone else... yuck

i had a successful day. cleaned the entire house in the morning, took salo shopping w sadie too, then joined michelle for sunset viewing at tp (AMAZING), coffee & cake (gracias a shelly) in old town (at your place, kat), and creepy men watching err avoiding at the Gaslamp.

and theres nothing like going downstairs at 230am and finding the front door unlocked. calling all rapists and murderers.
but on a happier note, i am constantly amazed by life and the beauty of people and nature. i need to stop taking things so seriously. as cake says, from the moment youre born you start dying.
so you might as well have some fun. yes, im trying =]

and tomorrow is another beautiful day. SURFING and MY MOM RETURNS> could i asked for anything else? i don't think so.

Surround yourself with lovers.

Thank you Darcy and Nino:)

Gabriel Dufayel Lucien Collingon.

I'm so exhausted. I'd kill for sleep, I'm not kidding. I don't even know why I'm posting (again) because I could be sleeping and then I wouldn't have to kill anyone.

I always look at my schedule and think about how many hours I have to be awake during the day. No time for naps! I'm always up at like 6 in the morning and dont get home till 10 at night. THEN I start my homework. This stresses me out just thinking about it.

Tomorrow: work/church and possible homework time or hangout time.
Monday: school/work/school and study for big exam.
Tuesday: OFF!! but school for big exam--->SLEEP.

goodnight

First Morning, resurrection. haha first tme i got to sleep-in in sooo long. And Everything's Gonna Be Okay. because, like, the harder you fall the quicker you get up. (if that makes any sense). and my momma comes home tomorrow evening and she's going to make everything all better! except for this stab wound on my middle finger on my right hand. it won't seem to go away and it hurts every time i type. but that's nothing compared with everything.

i should have stopped working a week earlier. i think i missed that time where i'm supposed to relax and do nothing so i can prepare for "The Adjustment". did they get you trade cold comfort for change? that's exactly it. but maybe these next four days will do the trick. can i get bored in four days? i hope so.

it's so funny though. the way we can forget anything. get adjusted to anything. we humans are very adaptable creatures. it's just any time you're thrown off a routine you suffer a little bit of trauma. BUT THERE WILL BE LIGHT!

now it's istanbul, not constantinople
why they changed it I can’t say
people just liked it better that way

!!!! cleaning, shopping, seeing my wonderful friends. and tomorrow: SURF!

so you think you can tell/ heaven from hell/ blue skies from pain
do you think you can tell
did they get you to trade
your heroes for ghosts

how could i not have known about something so good for so long. and yes, they did, by the way. and no, i can't.
we're just two lost souls swimmin in a fish bowl year after year. have we found the same old fears.

WISH YOU WERE HERE
it's funny how when someone sings something to you it just makes so much sense. like the lyrics take on a new meaning. this, like everything else, is of course dangerous. what else is dangerous? gossiping. i always tell people more than i intend to, more than they need to know.

but one thing i find funny is that i said bye to one of my bosses today at her house. we talked for a while. and only a fewat minutes after i said bye did sal point out to me that the right side of my face was covered with smeared black mascara. remnants of a lost love. NOT! haha. maybe it was just purple haze

OR SOMETHING
excuse me while i kiss this guy? the sky? jordan catalano. it's like i thought so much about him that he became a part of me. like he was living in my soul. word, angela. word.

still i wish you'd change your mind if i ask you one more time but we've been through this a hundred times or more.
OR I'VE been through this that much. you've been through NOTHING. it's a price you have to pay when you live this way. even though you can't help it. like schitzophrenics... they lead tortured lives. this is on a smaller scale but i think you can almost classify it as a very tame erotomania- is that what amelie had in HLM, HLMN? i think

so what's next for me. life-size medicine pill collages!
nope, it's time to move on. WHOA IF THE GOOD TIMES ARE ALL GONE THEN IM BOUND FOR MOVIN ON ILL LOOK FOR YOU IF IM EVER BACK THIS WAY. what can i say ? The Man speaks and the timing was all too perfect. does this mean things are changing for the better ? i hate that everyone says im moving on to Bigger and Better things, but maybe i am. i guess right now i can't see any type of future but there is one way. and what i thought was very Real was just a DISTRACTION keeping me from the Truth.
so how am i supposed to distinguish between the distractions and the real stuff? whatever, i am he as you are he and you are me and we are all togetherrrr! coo coo cachoo!

the good times are all gone. im bound for moving on. that makes so much sense. in my head at least. if only it made sense in my heart OF HEARTS! HAHAHA
I ONLY HOPE THAT IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS i become super EXCITED for school and my new life. if it's possible, i've become LESS prepared to leave home. last year i wanted to. now i feel established in san diego. it sucks going back and forth all the time. it's really hard. and all summer i told everyone i LOVED ucla. did i? or is that something i said because everyone else did, because i was supposed to? WHAAAT? gee i hope i do love it. otherwise at transfer time

but ill miss some stuff at work. books, storytime, some people. but it's good because that was place was NOT helping my health (mental, physical) at all. BYEEEEE

haha i'm fine. f-cking drama queen.
but ooh crying is so therapeutic, when i'm crying for me and not anyone else. you can cry over someone or you can cry over yourself and it feels very different. there are two wounds- one bleeds but the other takes a little longer to heal. hopefully not too much longer.

i'm at work and i'm not supposed to be writing this, but i just wanted to say that i am SO stupid and i should have never cared. and i think i'll just say (and this may be true) that i DIDN'T care- it was just my crazy mind playing tricks on me. sometimes it is hard to decipher between what you really feel and what you only think you feel. and all i can do is be thankful that it's over.

hehehe

"darcy kind of cancels everything out"

there has never been anything more true.

you know the past few posts i have spit out without even thinking of what i was writing as i wrote. that's probably why they don't make sense. i was just writing down whatever image i saw in my head. right now i'm seeing images of darcy, because that's all i saw the past three hours. and its funny because nothing else matters haha. darcy kind of cancels everything out. but i know thats stupid and when i wake up tomorrow everything will be back. and then i'll begin that slow process of recreating myself once again. each time it's new and each time i doubt myself but it all turns out okay in the end. sooner than later is better than not, i suppose, until one day it just is. and thats why darcy makes me soo ridiculously happy.

tomorrow is my last day of work.

Isn't it strange that we can sum up all we want (or think we want) out of life in a few bulleted sentances? And yet actually getting what we want out of life is a long and complicated process usually filled with suffering and struggle.

Stacy--I havent mailed your cd yet. tomorrow I PROMISE. I know you should just shoot me. But I like your life!! I think you should give marriage a little more credit though. Come on, despite popular frosh baby belief, there are darcys/ninos/zach braffs in the world.

Today at Jamba juice I saw a little boy buy animal crackers but the people at the registers kept overlooking him (literally) and it took some nice people to realize that yes, this little boy is in front of you in line.....ya JERKS!!

[ Light the Night, San Diego: Oct.2nd ]
supporting the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society
interested???
p.s. now accepting donations;)

How strange that the only place we exist together is in my dreams.

can we call 2004 'the year of dissapointments' yet, or should we still give it a chance?
that was written on March 6th, 2004 and i'm not sure i've changed my mind.

At the risk of being annoying and turning-off my faithful audience
oh screw that. just stop reading; this isn't for you anyway.

(is anyone else with yahoo! mail really tired of looking at that brunette lady on the website?)

[ it's quite interesting to think that you will meet many people in your life but will only truly get to know a small number. how long does it take to know someone? to really know them? and in what setting? and arent we all really dozens of people? and i guess what upsets me about this is that i have met someone let's say semi-interesting and the getting-to-know thing is about to hit a dead end. true there may not be that much more to know or just that much in general but what if there is. and what if its really good. one, it doesn't matter because there will be so many other people to know and learn from. two, this is one of those things i will regret when i'm older. i guess what is annoying is that i have no choice in the matter. even if i wanted to be really gutsy... where would that get me? or perhaps even more frustrating is that i have that decaying hope that something will happen but really, nothing can. and it's not even the moment that nothing happens (is that really a moment?).. oh okay, it's not really the moment that it will all be over. it's the process of getting there. it's agonizing, kind of like dying slowly but much less dramatic and much less painful. physically, at least. that's really what it is. that decaying process that has been lasting the past few weeks, days, hours. from the beginning it was a countdown to zero- the time the potential would run out (im getting this image of sand in an hourglass). it's like you know you only have so much time left with this person you are so close to and you just want to spend every waking minute with them. EXCEPT. you aren't close to them and they don't want to spend those minutes with you. and you don't know them and you shouldn't care and it shouldn't matter but for some reason it matters more than anything else. it's so satisfying when two people are both trying to get the most they can out of each other before some certain deadline but it is so so unsatisfying when that specific feeling is unrequited.

it's too bad you can't transplant thoughts into someones head and feelings into someones heart. and it's too bad you can't read what they are unable to say. but maybe it's good, also. because there is a time and a place for everything and if it just isnt there or something else is off then it shouldnt be forced. things work out, dont they? and unrequited (word abuse) love- infatuation, rather- passes, right? that's not the problem, anyway. it's the process.

the
agonizing
process

which is luckily almost over. and there will be a bitter aftertaste but that doesn't always last. you can but you don't have to last forever. so i will CHOOSE to sleepwalk through the next few days and slap myself awake and life will be just as i knew it before

would it be possible to be any more dramatic?

okay, i can't handle it anymore. you've really worn out my sanity, whoever you are. seriously- whoever you are. because like, i don't even know!!!! HA-HA!! oh god. oh god. ohh it's like i'm insatiable or something. insatiable and insane the letter I spells disaster. the chemistry is all wrong. chemistry, physics, time. is there anything right about it? i could really use a collar and canine leash, although i can't tell you what for. or maybe just a string (and a rock to wrap?). the giants do make SOME sense, though. if i had a rock and a piece of string, i would tie the string around the rock and i would bring it with me everywhere as my special friend. then i wouldn't have time for all of this nonsense. IT'S JUST. yeah, just that. i wonder what i'll be reincarnated as. maybe a grain of sand and then someone with a splitting headache will count me in their palm. HAHAHAHA. either that or hot pink nailpolish, but only the really hot kind.

i taste like nail polish remover.
it's the kind of taste that doesn't leave your mouth for a long time but you'll be gone tomorrow so hopefully i'll be okay. i mean, it's easy to forget someone, right? it's definitely easy to forget ME. too bad i remember everything about everyone. i also remember quirks and idiosyncracies and habits and the shape of a forarm, a solitary hair that gets in the way, the very distinct way an eye opens and closes when someone blinks.

its those kind of things that can drive someone insane. i mean, imagine paying attention to all of that all the time. like, information overload. crusty mascara.
nope, i'm not ready to say goodbye yet. SHUT UP AND DEAL

I had to post this:

matthew: please tell me that you wouldnt want to spend your entire life in this virtual marriage with him?

LittLeBoxCar: wow you think we're virtually married???????
LittLeBoxCar: how exciting!!!!!

matthew: oh god
i take it back

I have to say that it's quite humorous to know that I'm not the only crazy person. Going along with sonya's logic, I cleaned for my husband on saturday, fed him and did his dishes on sunday. I wasn't going to blog about this because I was afraid people would think that I'm crazy/pathetic but I've made him my boyfriend in my spanish class.

what time and with whom did you eat with?
I ate at 12 with my boyfriend.
what did you do yesterday?
I visted my boyfriend, we looked at an apartment and played with dogs.

All of which are completely true; all those things actually happened. I consider him mine and the fact that the feeling isn't completely (or at all) mutual is irrevelant.

You're freaking out, aren't you? You're totally freaking out. You're like running for the door.

hey, i know you, i walked with you once upon a dream. the difference between me and other, saner (?) people, is that my dreams do not end when i wake up. today i baked for my husband and tomorrow i will wash his dishes.
there's nothing like a one sided relationship to stretch your imagination and exercise your creativity.

or! when you're totally not expecting someone and WHOA they are there all of a sudden. so it's like you kind of wake up but not really and you totally want to be all smooth but you so obviously "started". i hate that word but they always use it in novels to describe that jumpy spazzy motion one does when he is startled. "she started at the sound of his voice". what is that? anyway, i started.

Aww he was protecting me..he likes me.. my knight and shining armor

symptoms include sweaty palms, mild dizziness, headaches that come in tiny little flashes like bursts of electricity, nausea, a rush of blood to the head, and the total inability to say anything funny or cool or even regular.

today i taught my last storytime. i received many hugs and even a small carrot cake. i'll miss those little boogers. and even their boogers. at lunch i ate one chicken sandwich at a picnic table at a deserted park. i watched scrubs and an episode of law and order SVU about a pedophile. it was actually very interesting because this lady had a brain tumor and she couldn't control her urges or something. sick bastards. at least i don't take my sexual frustration out on children. but then it wasn't really her fault; but it was.

seven more days in san diego. three more days of work. two more interesting days of work. ahh i'm not ready. i think i want to transfer to ucsd. i'd have: a new car from my mom, a job at the library, a child care job for these library patrons, and a beautiful talented husband. wait, no, i'm just kidding. why did i even say that. god.

i'm boney, i'm boney, leave me aloney.