30 copies and 6 dollars later, my application is nicely tucked away in that office. now all I have to do is wait...and you may well know that I'm not a very patient person. and I must admit that I was seriously thinking about ripping open AMATOR's recommendation. Flimsy, threadbare paper was keeping me from knowing what and how he thinks of me. Let me say, the temptation was very real as I sat there with the envelope held up to the light! But I applaud myself for forcing him to think of me outside class. hee.

I sound so very pathetic.

Which reminds me of this book I just finished reading. In it, theres this boy who lovers this girl but she's engaged to another boy. I guess I shouldnt say 'boy' or 'girl' because they could be mistaken for like, a nine year old girl with a limp and a 10 year old boy who asks if he smells like fish. MMM What was I saying again? oh, so these people are like grown ups. Anyway he writes about how much he lovers her and how its hopeless yada yada yada. Sometimes its pretty hilarious & others pathetic to the point where you just shake your head at this poor guy's foolishness. But more often than not, I felt like I could see bits of me in his psychotic behaviour towards this unobtainable person. I was maybe just a little bit freaked out. And was beyond mortified when it all ended in his suicide. it made me feel wonderful about myself.

But how much do I lover Daniel Vosovic? THIS MUCH.

Oh yes, and I'm sick. It sucks & I'm totally using it to my advantage tomorrow when I decide not to go to class. I hadn't even thought about ditching class because most of the time I actually want to be there (shocker) but I just feel overall pretty crappy so I can do whatever I want damnit AND get away with it:)

I love tutoring! Maybe because its a boost to my ego, but I think, and desperately hope, that I love tutoring because of the kids. They are hilarious, or hi-larry-ass. but I just wish that it werent so loud. my throat was hurting before I even got there and all the screaming(me) wasnt helping. I still worry about being effective. But the funny thing that happened today was, I was teaching on the white board and it just hit me, a strange and startling feeling that I actually stopped what I was saying and turned to the other tutor who was watching me. Apparently we both had the same thought: I TEACH like AMATOR. Not surprising I suppose given that everything I know about Latin I know from him, but its just funny how you are suddenly aware of yourself.

I remember saying something about not talking about AMATOR anymore... so no more! I promise.

(ick, i just realized the first line on our blog was very negative so i'm going to replace it)

I hereby extend Valentine's Day from significant others to all family and friends...

Happy Valentine's Day!
i love you, friends.

i'm pretty disappointed with several of my relationships. i am so disconnected. i am so busy; i don't leave myself time to think anymore. to think about others, think about myself. i just do things and go places and fall asleep and wake up over and over again. it's like i'm doing all this stuff but i'm not living. personally, i feel like im living the most when i give myself time to think through and process everything that's going on. during the summer when i wrote down everything i saw, felt and thought of i knew without a doubt that i was living. right now i am just passing time. i'm passing time well, but i'm still just passing time. taking time to talk with my dad tonight i was brought back to reality, or at least one kind of reality... it's easy to distract yourself.

so anyway, i don't want to get married. i've seen with my own heart the toll that marriage takes on people. the five years of happiness weighed against 15 years of pain. it isn't worth it, not to me at least. i'm not going to get married. or if i ever do, it will take a lot of thinking and a very very very very special person. i don't know what i mean by 'special'... i dont even mean being in love. i mean.... i dont know. as of now i cant imagine the characteristics a potential husband would even have. i just dont want to get married i really dont want to. luckily i dont have to.

what else is on my mind... education. i love my ed class i want to be in it all day long. i make my papers 5 pages too long. i keep researching different ed/arts ed programs online.. not like college programs but just programs they have for inner-city kids. i dont even give a fuck if my family doesnt support me. i dont know if they could ever understand what i feel and what i am compelled to do and change. i have to give this a lot more time and thought. i need to make more time to think.

i love mentorship, but what else is new?

and lastly, a dylan line to wrap up all of my usual frustrations: how many times can a man turn his head and pretend that he just doesn't see?
... something to think about


goodnight

last night's laziness produced this morning's failure.

I feel sick. I made a batch of cookies earlier and throughout the day I've managed to eat all of them. ugh barf. I'm trying to fight my laziness. I dont know how other people can stay productive for so long. I dont get it. My mind is just so completely unfocused. Even now, my blogging is an excuse to not do homework. The paper in front of me is blank except for all around the margins where I've scribbled and doodled nonsense. I'm a waste to society!

I get to tutor tomorrow and I'm excited. The kids really keep me on my toes--and they are just HILARIOUS. But its difficult for me to explain things in a way they can understand. Bernardo is my little project. He's painfully shy so he doesnt always let me know when he doesnt understand something. And because there are soo many kids, they tend to mess around and not focus, which is another difficulty because the tutor session is 7th period when everyone gets out after 6th period. Still, I enjoy it.

this was a rather pointless post.

I <3 Daniel Vosovic!