today i went to reconciliation. it always makes me nervous bc i dont like to admit what a horrible person i am. but i always feel so much better at the end--its a beautiful thing. but before i went in, i went to the bathroom and there was a sister in there. i got super nervous...but she was just so beautiful. She was so nice and loving and i was in awe. She made me want to be better...
Today I felt good.
Saturday, January 31, 2004
Friday, January 30, 2004
i am bored out of my mind. i was ready to go to sleep at 8. i cleaned my room, wrote letters, did homework, watched tv and more tv and more tv. i wanted to watch a movie but i dont like to pay for a non-matinee movie if im watching alone.
agenda for tomorrow:
-wash car
-clean loft
-read for clt
-go to church
-begin essay
i dont like this. its strange going from not having enough time to having too much. i havent just focused on school for a really long time. it was school and asb, school and wedding, school and flags, school work and flags, back to school and flags, then work and school. Just school? eeek. i need to do something.
last night i watched "a league of their own"--my fav. movie of all time.
i love the part where gina davis is gonna quit the team right before the world series and tom hanks tries to talk her out of it...it just got too hard. the hard is whats it great. if it wasnt hard then everybody would do it. i lover tom hanks.
today in my literature class we were discussing a play "hedda gabler" and there was this theme something like: theres no life without courage.
i went to studio a and failed.
i want the little prince to come and take me away to his little planet with the 3 volcanos and 1 rose underneath glass. then i could watch 44 sunsets in one day and have the stars laugh for me at night.
agenda for tomorrow:
-wash car
-clean loft
-read for clt
-go to church
-begin essay
i dont like this. its strange going from not having enough time to having too much. i havent just focused on school for a really long time. it was school and asb, school and wedding, school and flags, school work and flags, back to school and flags, then work and school. Just school? eeek. i need to do something.
last night i watched "a league of their own"--my fav. movie of all time.
i love the part where gina davis is gonna quit the team right before the world series and tom hanks tries to talk her out of it...it just got too hard. the hard is whats it great. if it wasnt hard then everybody would do it. i lover tom hanks.
today in my literature class we were discussing a play "hedda gabler" and there was this theme something like: theres no life without courage.
i went to studio a and failed.
i want the little prince to come and take me away to his little planet with the 3 volcanos and 1 rose underneath glass. then i could watch 44 sunsets in one day and have the stars laugh for me at night.
there seems to be widespread (but not too widespread) agreement on several things about UCLA in the present... (and i say UCLA specifically and exclusively because i'm afraid to overgeneralize).
[1] I quote the Port Huron Statement, manifesto of SDS- Students for a Democratic Society, 1960-something:
"Almost no students value activity as citizens. Passive in public, they are hardly more idealistic in arranging their private lives...there is no real conception of personal identity except one manufactured in the image of others, no real urge for personal fulfillment except to be almost as successful as the very successful people. Attention is being paid to social status...; much, too, is paid to academic status. But neglected generally is the real intellectual status, the personal cultivation of the mind.
'STUDENTS DONT EVEN GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE APATHY. Apathy toward apathy begets a privately constructed universe, a place of systematic study schedules, two nights a week for beer, a girl or two...; a framework infused with personality, warmth, and under control, no matter how unsatisfying otherwise.'"
in other words... no one gives a crap. about anything. just stop, listen and you'll see.
[2] umm... i can't think right now. ill post more later.
[1] I quote the Port Huron Statement, manifesto of SDS- Students for a Democratic Society, 1960-something:
"Almost no students value activity as citizens. Passive in public, they are hardly more idealistic in arranging their private lives...there is no real conception of personal identity except one manufactured in the image of others, no real urge for personal fulfillment except to be almost as successful as the very successful people. Attention is being paid to social status...; much, too, is paid to academic status. But neglected generally is the real intellectual status, the personal cultivation of the mind.
'STUDENTS DONT EVEN GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE APATHY. Apathy toward apathy begets a privately constructed universe, a place of systematic study schedules, two nights a week for beer, a girl or two...; a framework infused with personality, warmth, and under control, no matter how unsatisfying otherwise.'"
in other words... no one gives a crap. about anything. just stop, listen and you'll see.
[2] umm... i can't think right now. ill post more later.
Thursday, January 29, 2004
weeee....i like our new blog. thanks sonya.
okay well im freaking out. what else is new right?
I went to see this lady who's an undergrad academic advisor for the tv/theatre/film department. She was such a helpful lady! It made me happy bc I finally found a person that could help me. She answered all my questions and gave me direction. I think everyone should have an advisor to be kept in their shirt pocket :)
She put me in as a Television/film and new media production premajor--yay!!! but here's the crappy part: there's pretty much a zero percent chance I'll get into the actual MAJOR. It's so hard to explain but I have until october to put together a portfolio of all my work. What work? achievements? none. I have nothing. And I can't take any classes to learn how to do anything bc they are CLOSED to me. This means I have to go to community college and take extra classes. Miramar has no classes for film. City college here I come. And even though October seems like its far away--its not enough time for a nothing nobody like me to have this stunningly beautiful portfolio to be accepted into the major.
I have to become Brilliant overnight.
There's so many more hoops I have to jump through, and its all terribly confusing. When she was telling me all this and just how much competition was out there, I started to freak out. Seriously, it was so overwhelming I got dizzy and surprise surprise, here come the tears.
I am not a strong person. I am nothing but a girl who's afraid of the world. I can't do a lot of things. I won't do a lot of things bc I'm weak and scared. How I'll ever manage to gather enough courage to do this is beyond me. I almost sorta hate myself for being this scared. I must must must do this...if I don't, then what else do I have? I have to at least try. I'll try not to give up--I'll try to succeed?? Please God, give me guts.
okay well im freaking out. what else is new right?
I went to see this lady who's an undergrad academic advisor for the tv/theatre/film department. She was such a helpful lady! It made me happy bc I finally found a person that could help me. She answered all my questions and gave me direction. I think everyone should have an advisor to be kept in their shirt pocket :)
She put me in as a Television/film and new media production premajor--yay!!! but here's the crappy part: there's pretty much a zero percent chance I'll get into the actual MAJOR. It's so hard to explain but I have until october to put together a portfolio of all my work. What work? achievements? none. I have nothing. And I can't take any classes to learn how to do anything bc they are CLOSED to me. This means I have to go to community college and take extra classes. Miramar has no classes for film. City college here I come. And even though October seems like its far away--its not enough time for a nothing nobody like me to have this stunningly beautiful portfolio to be accepted into the major.
I have to become Brilliant overnight.
There's so many more hoops I have to jump through, and its all terribly confusing. When she was telling me all this and just how much competition was out there, I started to freak out. Seriously, it was so overwhelming I got dizzy and surprise surprise, here come the tears.
I am not a strong person. I am nothing but a girl who's afraid of the world. I can't do a lot of things. I won't do a lot of things bc I'm weak and scared. How I'll ever manage to gather enough courage to do this is beyond me. I almost sorta hate myself for being this scared. I must must must do this...if I don't, then what else do I have? I have to at least try. I'll try not to give up--I'll try to succeed?? Please God, give me guts.
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
I dunno if i should post this bc it could stir up some competition but whatever here's a list of potential working places...
-borders: cafe and store
-cookies by design carmel mtn
-california pizza kitchen: host/hostess
-bruggers bagels in scripps
-discovery store in the mall
-pier 1 imports
-hallmark in carmel mtn
-wells fargo: bank teller, must have cash register experience--heres the number for anyone whos interested : 1800-392-4780--its a phone interview then if they like you theres a group interview
and people who are "always accepting applications"
-bed bath and beyond in mira mesa
-toy depot: it was so depressing to go into this store
-olive garden: they wont tell you if they're hiring or not...???
-baskin robbins
-linens n things
-jamba juice
AND I found out that they are closing down Barnes n Noble in carmel mtn. Im so depressed.
-borders: cafe and store
-cookies by design carmel mtn
-california pizza kitchen: host/hostess
-bruggers bagels in scripps
-discovery store in the mall
-pier 1 imports
-hallmark in carmel mtn
-wells fargo: bank teller, must have cash register experience--heres the number for anyone whos interested : 1800-392-4780--its a phone interview then if they like you theres a group interview
and people who are "always accepting applications"
-bed bath and beyond in mira mesa
-toy depot: it was so depressing to go into this store
-olive garden: they wont tell you if they're hiring or not...???
-baskin robbins
-linens n things
-jamba juice
AND I found out that they are closing down Barnes n Noble in carmel mtn. Im so depressed.
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
The first part of today was pretty bleh. I actually sat down in a desk, pulled out all my crap then realized that I didn't want to be there. So I packed up everything and left. I just didnt feel like going to class. That'll kick me in the face later but i'll deal with it as i get beaten. I went to the bathroom like 20 times today, that was tons of fun.
BUT tuesdays are my fav. days bc of my cinema class. We watched "singing in the rain" which was really good. I couldn't get comfortable in my chair though bc my back was killing me. But it was all balanced out by a good movie and good company. Makes me smile :)
BUT tuesdays are my fav. days bc of my cinema class. We watched "singing in the rain" which was really good. I couldn't get comfortable in my chair though bc my back was killing me. But it was all balanced out by a good movie and good company. Makes me smile :)
guess what.. if i didn't have stupid 1 and 2 hour breaks between my classes i could be done at 2pm instead of 5! (but also my brain would probably be fried). i always type 'friend' first when i'm trying to type 'fried'. so this is the hour of the day that i get SUPER tired and have to drag myself to class because the last thing i want to do at two in the afternoon after a relatively sleepless night (ok no, i got 7 hours) is go to a 2-hour comm lecture.
gymnastics tonight!! back-tuck baby.
gymnastics tonight!! back-tuck baby.
i give and give and they take and take. in the end im left with nothing but rags. so who should i be upset with, myself or everyone else?
yes, there are nice people in the world. yes, there are (*&@%*(&# in the world. Yesterday I was surrounded by nice people. Maile, Jacqui (from work) and I went job hunting yesterday. like ALL DAY. At first I was a little scared and almost backed out of going because its like, there's people you are friends with, then there are people who you are friends with ONLY DURING work, you know? And if you take away the work part--is there anything left in common? But whatever, it was fun and we got loads of applications. THere are actually quite a few places hiring which was surprising. I'm all excited now because I like to fill out forms :)
yes, there are nice people in the world. yes, there are (*&@%*(&# in the world. Yesterday I was surrounded by nice people. Maile, Jacqui (from work) and I went job hunting yesterday. like ALL DAY. At first I was a little scared and almost backed out of going because its like, there's people you are friends with, then there are people who you are friends with ONLY DURING work, you know? And if you take away the work part--is there anything left in common? But whatever, it was fun and we got loads of applications. THere are actually quite a few places hiring which was surprising. I'm all excited now because I like to fill out forms :)
Sunday, January 25, 2004
everything is changing, changing... except nothing is different.
hey, i spent most of the day at the park. there was even a minute or so when i was the only person there. it's too nice there.
so i have to write this essay. i've spent the last 5 hours (since i woke up) pretending i don't have to write it. i can't believe i still have to. that really sucks. NO! i love writing and i am blessed to have an assignment like this.. i am way excited to start writing. i wonder if you tell yourself something enough you can start to believe it?
i'll put some pictures up soon, but you'll find them pretty boring. as much as i want to waste more of my time here i don't really have anything to say (as you already noticed) so bye.
hey, i spent most of the day at the park. there was even a minute or so when i was the only person there. it's too nice there.
so i have to write this essay. i've spent the last 5 hours (since i woke up) pretending i don't have to write it. i can't believe i still have to. that really sucks. NO! i love writing and i am blessed to have an assignment like this.. i am way excited to start writing. i wonder if you tell yourself something enough you can start to believe it?
i'll put some pictures up soon, but you'll find them pretty boring. as much as i want to waste more of my time here i don't really have anything to say (as you already noticed) so bye.
