imagine there's no heaven.. it's easy if you try.. i am listening to the wonderful john lennon. yes im posting AGAIN-- sorry, i just really enjoy posting..

i saw the pianist with my parents tonight but i can't talk about it so i will just pretend that the world is okay and that i am okay and so i will write about other stuff of no importance.

i got my glasses and my cell phone. 254 0088 if you are interested. i never have service but i love messages :). hm... i also bought a 6 pack of croutons. that's good.

actually, i do want to talk about the movie a bit. if you haven't seen it, you need to go see it right away. well i spent like 50% of it with my head burried in my mom's arm, but... i can't really explain what i feel about it. i really hate the nazis. when i was watching the movie... i felt this hate.. that i had NEVER felt before. it was burning and i just wanted to get up and get a gun and shoot their goddam heads off. top 3 holocaust movies: schindler's list; the pianist; life is beautiful. each one offers something different.. each one is unique.. and each one is the same in that they show that jews are an innocent group of people that have been persecuted ever since forever and still are today. they were there in europe not hurting anyone at all.. and along came these power hungry insecure assholes and ruined the lives of MILLIONS of people. MILLIONS. goddam. so they basically killed off every single person (and may i add that each one had a family, had hopes, had fears).. for aboslutely no reason except to feed their own hunger for control. after the war, no one wanted the survivors.. they were rejected from every country (including the goddam united states.. they were not allowed on the ships), so they went to jerusalem because there was no where else to go, and that's where they were from anyway. and they immigrated to this tiny sliver of land and tried to live in peace.. and ever since then they were persecuted by the arabs and i know that it will go on forever and i wish there was something i could do. i really wish i could do something because this isn't right.

i'm not typing the things i really want to say because i don't know how to get them out. the whole holocaust thing... it just effects me SO much. more than anything else i've ever learned about, i think. now i have that bad feeling... the one you have when you come out of the theater and back into your shoes and its like... is this important? do i care about the right things? am i the person i want to be?

i feel guilty for having such a good life.

yay sadaf is here. now it is all 5 just like the good old days of ms. a and nariZ an mooooses. mm today was a beautiful day. it was the best weather in a LONG time and i woke up at 8 to a clean room. i was anticipating a dirty room bc i forgot that i had cleaned it last night. i got up happily and cleaned the bathroom and then did the unthinkable and cleaned my car! i vaccumed the inside and filled up 2 trash bags! i also put sherry's hawaiian flower sticker on the back and now i am SO happy. it takes very small things to happy me up.

then i went to stacys and stacy, sadaf, and i stopped by the school so stacy could get her book. there we saw track people and poor poor SAT takers. i was going to go to the track meet... and i was also going to volunteer at a bday party at my gym (gymnastics gym), but i had a flute lesson at 2. so anyway, after that sadie/stace/i went to hot java and i got a bagel and tuxedo mocha or something like that and then we sat by the fountain and took random pictures. that sounds weird but it was REALLY fun and the sky was really nice with dinosaur clouds. then we went to PARTY CITY where we saw our friend ashley and our friend linh and i spontaneously purchased: a whoopee cushion for my sister, sticker earrings for myself, sherriff badges for the goodkids, and this thing that is a deer and when you pull its tail it move (for sherry). then i dropped sadie & her sisters (who we picked up from this place) off at stacy's and i stopped by sherry's and put the deer thing by her door, and then i went home.

i went to beautiful la jolla, driving through ugly pb, and i had my flute lesson. on the way home there was a small black car driving 85mph next to us and the 2 guys spun out of control because they were being reckless and they spun into the shoulder and went around several times. a lot of dust went in the air and i thought we were going to die. im glad my mom was driving because my heart would have had an attack. they were SO lucky that nothing happened because they could have died. i hate reckless drivers.

soon ill go to stacys, now that i have money and everything. all my clothes are dirty tho because i am a fatboy and i spilled food on everything.

the plan for tomorrow is:
10-12 price club to get new cell phone & hopefully pick up glasses
12-5 work
6-? dinner w/ goodkids

today michelle and i left yearbook at a record breaking 10:40 pm. may i remind you that i got there at 1:45. yay to stacy for having her prom situation all sorted out before spring break so she can plan everything to the second! amelie is once again, a wonderful beautiful happy movie. actually my life is boring right now, so i dont have much to say. i dont think my family likes me... i got home at 12 and they dont care. PLEASE DISCIPLINE ME! IM SO NEGLECTED! today i didnt pee for 15 and 1/2 hours. im glad everyone is happy right now. i think im happy too for a second. i dont want to go upstairs because my room is dirty and it will depress me. today when we got out of yearbook it started pouring. i was depressed but THEN! i saw! on my car! sherry taped a gift on my car and it was some raspberry candy/gum that is SO SO good & a hawaiian flower sticker for my car, which is the best thing anyone can give me!! and a note too! and then i just got SO HAPPY and it didnt even matter that i was in yearbook for 9 hours. i'm gonna be amelie and do nice things for people because it sounds corny but they really mean sooo much. and its fun to do stuff! THANKS SHERRY I THINK YOU ARE ONE OF THE BEST PEOPLE. shoot karen called me today. my sister told me that and i got SO EXCITED but of course i didnt get home until now which is 12. well at 10:45 me and michelle stopped by stacy's and robbed her of her soda and pizza and chocolate malted crunch cream of ice and watched selected parts of amelie. if i made that movie i would be SO proud of myself that i could just die and feel happy and accomplished. then stacy showed us the exhibit A and B of the prom asking package and i thought it was really nice. i dont have a cell phone anymore so dont try to call it, not that you would because hardly anyone ever does. john mayers coming to san diego. spring break has started... sigh.. tell me if you want to hang out! i know ill say sure but then ill never call you but i promise its my personality and its not that i dont like you. if you just tell me a date and a time and everything then i really will do it. im just really bad at following through and planning stuff like that. but i would like to:

-visit PB and look at all the weird stuff
-visit La Jolla & eat at Wahoos or bring it to the sand
-visit Hillcrest
-visit downtown and go "people watching"
-visit Balboa Park and sit under a tree
-watch the majestic [bc i rented it but never watched it]
-watch life is beautiful again!!
-watch amelie AGAIN for the millionth time

^^i dont think ill do much of that stuff bc i only have like 1 free day but still! i like to write it all down bc it sounds nice!

Hey joanna--we're going to CHICAGO on TUESDAY, April 8th. Be there, please?

small update... 6:42 and we're still in yearbook.

last day of "yearbook" stuff. crazy. still in yearbook @ 5:36 on the friday that spring break gets out. I feel bad for jaclyn... marianne isn't making things better for her and she's pretty stressed out. I feel so bad for her. poor girl.

spring break:
sat- practice 9-5
sun-nothing :)
mon-practice 3-5
tuesday-sunday-dayton :(

It feels kinda good to be done with yearbook.

im in yearbook. what else is new?

you loser! DO IT!!!!! follow sadaf's example. oh i am SO proud of sadaf and SO happy for her. cutedorK is DEFINITELY a LOVER. i work sunday so im out.. i dont have much to say. today i finished my ESS hours. i then slept all day. i never do the homework that is due friday bc thursday afternoon doesnt seem like a homework doing time. i just slept on and off.. in my parents bed, in my bed, and on the couch. now i feel super gross. im trying to read brave new world but its sort of creeping me out.

spring break outlook

tomorrow: nothing
saturday: volunteer @ gym for bday party?, flute
sunday: work 12-5
mon: calc camp
tue: calc camp, TUMBLING my love
wed: work 2:30-5:30
thur: blah
friday: work 8:30-2:30
saturday: blah, flute
sunday: work 12-5

im not gonna have much of a break. but it's better than going to school :x

I had the perfect opportunity to ask stan to prom today...and I chickened out. Ugh, sometimes I want to shoot myself. THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY!!!!! I'm such a loser.

Went to dinner with lotous. It was fun, the food was all canned and I kept spilling stuff on myself, but the boba was good.

I want to go to Disneyland on Sunday. Any takers?

"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. To put to rout all that was not life, and not when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived."

two posts in one day. Okay here goes. Um, shoot. I forgot. Oh yeah! After practice today I was really thirsty and I decided that I wanted to get a slurpee from 7-11 because I only had dollar and cents left. But I decided to go to the 7-11 closest to my house...the one right by Togos, where stan works. stalker? yes, but I havent gone to togos at all since I found out and I just wanted to swing by to see if he was still closing. No such luck. It was dark and creepy. THe man at 7-11 freaked me out. I thought I could get shot. just kidding. or not.

And Im so excited about THE PROM news that I'm going to call sadaf now.

i have no idea why im posting so much

i just realized that we spend too much time inside. we're inside our cars when we're going to school. then we go to school and are basically inside for 6 hours except the passing periods, lunch, etc. then some of us go do sports inside. others go inside to do work for clubs. i go inside my car and drive to the library, where i spend several hours, only to go back in my car and drive home, where i stay until the next morning. i think that's why i always feel trapped and why i think that sunroofs are so cool. i want to study outside. people who spend time outside are happier than people who spend time in the great indoors. [jm.]

yesterday i went to tumbling and while i was stretching i looked in the mirror to see shaun but not make it obvious. he looked short and stocky and attractive. i dont know about him. well i really felt like getting my moneys worth (because i actually paid.. finally), and so i tried very hard. it was also so shaun would see and he would feel guilty for ignoring me. he was walking around and i told the coach that i wasnt scared and so i did back tucks alone and they were good. i think that a lot of it has to do with confidence. you just have to go. i think that several times he watched and was about to come over but then didnt. i was standing against this mat and then i casually looked at the wall and he was there just giving me this killer stare. not killer like 'wow thats a killer skirt' but like IM GOING TO KILL YOU.

one by one people left the gym. i tried really hard. an old guy that volunteers to work in the office called me over and he said "do you ever feel like you need a spot? do you want to start working on something new? theres this man here... shaun... sometimes he just walks around and doesn't even do anything. he can come over and spot you once in a while. just let me know' and i was tying hard to hold in my laughter, but im really bad at it. its just weird because i remember how it used to be and he always taught and i promise he really cared and now when i go get a drink and hes standing there he turns his back. some hot guy came in and i guess shaun was giving him a private lesson but every once in a while he would watch and have a look that would make us think he was going to come and help. but he wouldnt. i dont understand.

so everyone says i should ask him to help, especially because its his job, but ill feel so weird knowing that he's there only because he has to be. and no one else needs him bc they're just learning backhandsprings but i want to learn layouts now. i know that ultimately, its about learning and improving, so next week i will tell the nice man. it will be so awkward though because when shaun and i make eye contact he looks away and i say "hi" and he says "oh hi", indifferently. i think he's caught on to the stalking.

It's really nice to hear from you, Jo.. your post sounds exactly like you. i know that's the idea, but some people sound so different when they write. you sound so happy and laid back and down to earth just like you are. may i please suggest saving your money for a summer trip here. maybe we can have a long sleepover or a mini road trip or something while you're here, before we all go away forever. write more, jo-- im SO curious about what life is like for you!! i have the urge to watch amelie.

i love dead poets. i remember i cried too. i couldnt believe the ending. you can keep talking about LOTR shell because that quote was good. i cant believe youre actually reading those books. pass on the bday book stacy gave you after youre done.

just a bit of randomness: ive noticed that after i read a book, the first post i write is unintentionally written in the style of the book. it happens every time. the last post (the long one) was after 'dar de saalam', a disturbing book i started and finished this weekend. for example, i would never normally write "She talks in her scary voice that I hate so I run upstairs with my binder.". NEVER. haha. i may be back to my normal self now.

i am so thankful that today is over. i got home from tumbling last night (so much to say but im not "in the mood to lose myself with words"- JM) at 9 and by the time i started gov it was 9:30. i studied until 10:30 and then went to sleep. the test went okay and i felt very happy that i had only studied for an hour. i dont even care about my grade. im just happy that i didnt go into one of my stressing fits and i think that because i didnt, i studied better. i had english and that went fine, i suppose. right after school i went to work. there was a lot to do when i came in. all of the carts were overflowing and i was the only one there. i found out that everyone was at a meeting so i singlehandedly braved the 600 NON-FICTION section. work went by fast and i saw most of my favorite people. the boss thanked me for writing my very candid self-evaluation. i decided that i was proud of myself for getting through the hard day so i went to jamba juice and ordered a smoothie in 2 cups-- one for me and one for my sister, but i ended up drinking both. i was really dehydrated and i needed fuel for my calc multiple choice.

calc is really my only homework and im almost done and its 8 so i think everything is going well. my mom just informed me that i now have to pay for tumbling so i guess ill start.. i work 10 hours a week so for 2 weeks i get like 168$. subtract 60 for gas and 70 for tumbling and i have 38$ left. thats about $10 a week. thats as much as i got before i started working. sigh. its sort of frustrating to work and not see much come out of it. but i paid for my deca trip to orlando and i have the satisfaction of knowing im helping out my parents.

i have nothing interesting or creative to write about today. ive been observing people really closely lately. yesterday i watched a secret note about dr. frenck's secret baby shower get passed around the classroom. i noticed who just opened it and who said 'what is this' first. i watched what techniques people used to try to be secretive about it. drew held it for about 15 minutes. galina thought she was good but she was the most obvious. at tumbling i watched shaun's every move. i don't feel like writing about that now, though. i tried so hard at tumbling. ill write it later so it can be recorded forever.. maybe after a shower. today i watched people at the library.

Jo whenever I read your posts, I get very relaxed and happy. You are so positive and you take joy in the simply things and its just refreshing. The weather over here has been funny. It'll be impossibly hot one day, and cloudy and cold the next. Isn't Amelie great? I loved that movie.

Speaking of movies, today in Sociology we watched "Dead Poets Society." It was the first time I watched it and oh, I love it! I was crying (of course) towards the end...and I love Neil Perry! Oh, poor guy. And every poem/poet/writer we studied in Brit Lit was mentioned in the film...Oh captain my captain!! Robin Williams was great. I think it's going in as one of my favorite movies of all time.

Yesterday I hit the half way point of The Fellowship. I'm very excited about that. The whole beginning was like describing the land and stuff, so it was hard to keep going. But now it's starting to get interesting and Legolas JUST came into the story!! My goal is to finish this before Spring Break so when I'm on the plane and Airports going to Dayton, I can read the 2nd book:)

Speaking of books, I was skimming through the massive quantity of books that I recieved for my birthday and in "The Traveling Pants"--given by Stacy, there are these little quotes placed randomly in the book. And the first one is from the wonderful J.R.R. Tolkien, "Not all those who wander are lost." And I got so ridicuously happy when I read that, yes I know I'm pathetic. "All that is gold does not glitter,Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,Deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring;Renewed shall be blade that was broken,The crownless again shall be king." Oooookay I know this is all pointless and I know you're sick of my LOTR talking, so i'll stop. okay bye

hello?

i hate when i write stuff at night and then i wake up and read it back to myself. I HATE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today was one of those really ugly days. The kind that are deceiving because they start off so well but suddenly.. and for no apparent reason.. they turn ugly and I start hating everyone and everything. Every little thing seems to be a hundred times worse than it is and I cant stop stressing out and I start noticing little things that bother me about people. Everyone looks like a monster and it seems like everything is so fake and I just want to get out. I look out the window and I see the blue sky and I feel like I am in jail and I can't get out because I'm too good to ditch. Ditching is for the bad kids who smoke on the weekends and get drunk and have sex on the weekdays. Im being very sensitive and I am reacting to everything and I know I am overreacting.

In the morning I go to photo and he tells me that he has to talk to me about my pictures. And I know that he is going to tell me that they were bad, because they were bad last issue. And I know he's just trying to help me and make sure it doesn't happen again, but I secretly take it as an attack because he must be just saying it to make me feel bad. Then I go to gov and I haven't printed out my notes, so I cant pay attention and instead I draw breakfast foods for the first lesson and lunch for the second, and then I get hungry and start thinking of food instead of the struggle for equal rights. I go to yearbook, which is fine-good even. Then I go to Spanish and HE bothers me even though he isn't doing anything in particular. Wait, I think im bothered even before that… at snack time. But I don't know why at all. Spanish bothers me because its stupid but I still try and I cant help caring, even though it's a waste of my time.

In math it gets really bad. I want ms.brooks to explain the problems on her overhead, but instead she writes the numbers on the board. She assigns my row the number that I don't know how to do, and looking back at my row, I know that they didn't do it and that they don't care. I'm sick of having to be the one to always do the problem.. or to worry about it and have to run around the room, trying to figure out how to do it. I tell them to figure it out and they don't care because they're too busy with their prom plans and their stupid flirting or their sleeping. So I just sit there and try not to let it bother me but secretly I am going crazy because I am worrying about how there will just be an empty space on the board and I sit in the front row so ms.brooks will ask me about it. But at the same time, it shouldn't always be my responsibility. They are members of the row just as much as I am. So ms. Brooks does look at me and I say I don't know how to do it and then she looks at it and says its nothing difficult which of course makes me feel great. Then she repeats several times that we should write something and try it instead of leaving it completely blank and that makes me feel even better. My eraser is gone and my frustration rips an ugly hole in my paper. The ripped away paper scrunches up like an accordion and there's a dirty gray mark.

I don't want it to happen again so I do a lot of my homework and then I ask my dad for help. We end up screaming and fighting and my mom tells me that she really cant stand me sometimes. She talks in her scary voice that I hate so I run upstairs with my binder. I sit for a few minutes, picturing the blank whiteboard and ms. Brooks' disappointment. I go back downstairs and suck up my ugly day feeling and try again, only this time hes the one yelling… not me. And he refuses to teach me the way I want to be taught so he goes to the bathroom like always and locks the door. Obviously, I'm upstairs again.

Today it felt like everyone was changing, which is confusing considering it is our senior year. I thought that by now we would be sure of who we are and who we want to be, but every day another person throws away the glasses they had for 15 years and dies their hair and buys clothes that are of "questionable moral fiber" (side note, I saw mr. Boyer at VONS today). Then I started noticing how everyone is trying to make the most of their last year here, and although it seems like it is a good thing, it started annoying me. My friends ask about morP and I say that I am not interested. Instantly, they make me feel like some kind of anti social freak who wants to sit at home all day and not participate in anything. I don't want to stand in a sweaty mob of people and watch girls practically have sex with each other to arouse guys. Yeah that's not exactly my idea of fun. And I know its all in my head that my friends make me feel this way, and I know it is just another distortion that the ugly day casts upon my perceptions. The prom expo saddened me. Its not the right time to comment on asb and class council. The sundevil survey depressed me too. I wrote a lengthy response on the fact that administration doesn't give a shit, and as I wrote it, I realized how true it really is. I cannot wait for the day that I can leave mt. Carmel forever. I won't come back.

In the mail I got three rejections and two acceptances. I got my first university rejection, which did not bother me. You think I'm lying and I'm trying to pretend like it doesn't bother me, but it honestly doesn't. I got a scholarship rejection and then I got a cal grant rejection for already having too much money. I got a university acceptance and a university scholarship for a lot but not enough (as usual) and then a university acceptance package. University sounds better than college. I don't ever feel like writing about college. I never publicly post my acceptances and my rejections and when I satirically wrote "Harvard Stanford Princeton Yale" in my info a few days ago, someone took me seriously. I bet people skim my posts, looking for names of colleges so that they can get all of the "dirt". It bothers me when other people do it; so I wont. I guess it's important to note that I am hyper sensitive to arrogance. I know that when someone is writing about what college they got into, they are just commenting on their life. Or they are proud of themselves because they worked hard and that is very good. I know it is all okay but deep down there is this part of me that becomes annoyed and thinks that the person is arrogant. I am often hypocritical and do the same exact things that annoy me. People probably say I am an arrogant hypocrite. They're right.

I know this doesn't matter to you, but I just lost half of my post. I wrote about how I like my GOOD KID shirt because it brightens everything up. I wear it too much and everyone probably thinks im smelly, but when I wear it I know im not a hypocrite because I really am a good kid. I wonder if I will do anything bad ever. I want to.

I wrote about how I feel very peaceful right now like when 91x plays bob marley after a few punk rock songs. I feel like I just want to go with whatever happens and probably go to a UC. No matter how much scholarship money I get, it wont be enough. There will be plenty of time to explore the east coast and the world. Im still a little girl. I should be close to my family before they die or I die. I don't want to die.

I talked about how I give up on tests before I take them and how today I already gave up on my gov test and a while ago I gave up o n my calc final. I cant concentrate in my classes and I just tattoo hibiscus flowers on my legs hands and papers because a flower is the only thing I know how to draw. I said a few more random things and then I concluded by saying that I had a lot of homework but instead I would take a long shower.

Its 45 minutes later and im done with my long shower… which I stayed in until the water become cold and now I will do anything but not my homework.

no youre stupid

post again.. HAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHA this is the greatest thing ever. I finally have my own blog entry and its not even on my own blog. YES!! :)))))))
So anyway I'm going to type in paragraphs cuz I cant really read all the stuff that Sonya types without pressing return.
Right now she's calling me a bad kid and Michelle wont tell me what her sexual fantasies are despite my burgeoning desire to know exactly what it is that she wants from a man. ;)
Yes thats pretty much it. I wish I knew the password to this cuz then Id post all the time. O, but do I know the password...I think I do....watch out for me in the future: the anonymous male blogger. hahah.
And one more thing I did give in to peer pressure but it really wasnt that bad and if you really want to know I will tell you but it will take a great deal of persistent prodding on your part. Thank you. Goodbye Mrs. Quesada.

ANYTHING POSTED ON HERE WITHIN THE NEXT 10 MINUTES IS A LIE!!!!

dear sonya: it is monday morning and we are in yearbook. Doug Funnie is next to me trying to figure out how to post on our blog. It's pretty funny. He put in "Sonya Sobko" as the username and the password as "shaun." Then "goodkids"--and "MM"...ahhh I actually logged him in so next post will probably be from Douglas Funnie. I feel bad because I'm on blogger and making sonya do all the yearbook work. Sorry kid.

Oh, but the real reason I'm posting has to do with Sonya and her interest in sexual behavior. It's so random. okay bye.

dear michelle and the rest of the world:
its true. the admissions system is shit. they will never know that you dedicated your life for several years toward trying to improve our shitty school and trying to make school better for 3,511 people. they will never know the crap you had to deal with in the councils you were in. they'll never know that sometimes you understand everything you needed to understand for your math test and you even explained it to 5 people and then you still got a C. they can't possibly know that you're not like the other people who join clubs for selfish reasons. they dont know any of that and with the number of applications they get, they cant know and they never will know. so screw them. those people who got in.. the ones who buttered up their apps with clubs and SAT scores.. they probably didnt learn anything in the process. they didnt really work with people or cry over extra curriculars.. and they probably never felt what it was like to really care about something they were doing. but you did and in the long run, that's more important than an acceptance letter. i know it doesnt change the fact that it all sucks but i know that you will be successful and happy in the end.

ooh it is the case of the dissapearing blog post. hello, im just taking a few minutes to update the internet world on my life, which isnt very exciting... the weather is convincing me that it is summer and is slowly turning me laaazy and horrible and i wont do my homework because i want to sit in the backyard and pretend that there are fireflies except they are mosquitos. on friday i filled in for my friend at work and then i watched 'life is beautiful'. the movie sucked all of the emotion out of me and after crying for several hours i felt so empty and hollow and sad and.. it just seems like i live my life and get caught up in everything and then every few weeks ill watch something or read something that will really affect (effect? i dont feel like looking it up) me and i'll say "oh you must appreciate what you have blah blah work hard blah dont complain blah" and then it just goes away again. i guess it is human. so barb and i made pizza and it turned out sort of salty and i think that bacon tastes like split-pea soup!

saturday i woke up and me and sherry went... stalking. i know, i am horrible, but it was a thrill. we drove over to F street (that AIM "ashamed" smily face should go here) and we saw shaun's huge house and the childrens play set and the fence and the maroon curtains and THE CAR. and then we sped away and went to balboa park. it was so peaceful and beautiful. i wanted to sit down under a tree and stay there the whole day reading a book. im reading a good but weird book about a 14 yr old british girl that is in africa and she becomes obsessed with this 40 year old man. its very poetic and beautifully written and odly RELATEABLE. i shouldnt be able to relate to something like that haha. we stayed until it got unbearably hot. then i came home and went to price club with my mom and ordered new glasses. i am so excited!

i bought a bunch of stuff and then we went to fifty stores and i bought some summery nail polish and summery lip gloss. at night i went to la jolla and when we were driving up soledad mountain i looked out at the ocean but it was night time so it was all black with hundreds of twinkling lights and the stop lights that we changing from green to yellow to red looked like fireworks. i love sitting on my flute teacher's deck outside. during the day you can sit there and look over the tops of the houses and see the different colors of blue that make up the ocean and sometimes there is a sailboat. i think its weird how when you're looking at the ocean from far away it looks completely still like its blue land. but when you're in it it is constantly moving. i wanted to be in it but i think it is still cold. i fell asleep in the car with my contacts in and thought of how i cant wait til my glasses come in. i cant bring myself to do my homework. i woke up at 830 and ended up spending an hour in the shower. i always stay in until it gets supercold and i just cant bare it anymore.

i tried to do homework but i found myself constantly going to the fridge for popsicles. cherry, orange, and grape. i think that they are the kind i got in elementary school when i was eligible for free lunches because we were pretty poor. they taste like paint and make my tounge turn colors but they're supposed to be "naturally flavored". i took my moms car and played the music loud while i drove to work. i like my moms car because the music can go really loud so that the back seat looks like its vibrating. and you cant hear the sound of the wheels on the freeway, unlike in my car. when i go faster than 50 the car makes a sound so loud that the radio is drowned out. i worked for five hours and got a pretty bad headache. now im sitting in my room which is very stuffy. i have a lot of homework.. so much that i dont want to start any of it. i keep noticing that there are random times in the day when i am really motivated and i really want to do my homework. i feel like i can get started and work hard for a long time and finish everything. unfortunately, im never at home at those times. its either right in the middle of a class period, or when im at work, or when im driving somewhere. when i actually sit down to do my homework, i dont feel like working anymore.

I got my rejection letter from Irvine yesterday. I was just soo pissed and when I was reading how "sorry" they were for not admitting me it made me even more angry. Now honestly, the whole college application/acceptance system they have going on is the biggest shit [sorry] I've ever seen in my entire life. Just because I didn't want to do everything so I could "put in on my college application" and actually did things I wanted to do... I get punished. STUPID jerks. Oh man...I really wanted to write a letter and say everything I was thinking about all those admission officers and how they think that what you put down on a piece of paper makes you a better person for their school. TO make it even worse my Dad, that great guy that he is, was just like "you could have done better." Right, since when have you supported me in ANYTHING? thanks for the support there dad...you're grand, has anyone ever said that to you? AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! whatever. Hey sadaf, riverside here we come.

So my make myself happy I watched the Figure Skating World Championships. Yay Michelle Kwan won!! I'm happy for her... it was such a great performance. I want to watch her skate this summer. So nice :)