omg i cant believe what just happened
more later

yeah, good morning. i'm half-okay. the sink is full of vomit, there's a stained, soaking wet tshirt hanging off my door handle. uh h h...

must write more.

words cannot explain how insane i have become. earlier today i threw two 170-calorie donuts (340 calories total) into the trash can. five minutes ago i dug one up and ate it. 5 seconds ago i ate the remaining. i threw donuts away, dug them out of the trashcan, and ate them. last night i turned the lights off at 9pm in preparation for my 8am final. i did not fall asleep until 3. i heard doors slamming, music, footsteps, boys going in and out of the bathroom, three series of midnight yells, the buzz of my laptop, my roommate's cell phone, but mostly the voices in my own head. i saw designs on the ceiling, patterns on the mattress, signs and symbols on the insides of my eyelides and i begged myself to fall asleep and it didn't work and i could feel my own consciousness working against itself and i felt heavy.

today i didn't eat dinner and i ran and i hoped to lose energy so i could fall asleep so i could wake up for my 8am final. it's almost 2am and i just ate two 170-calorie donuts straight from a box from a bag-less trashcan. i just heard the voices of my floormmates rejoicing and reminiscing and reflecting and other r words on the past year and i heard them laugh and aw through the wall. i sleepwalked to my computer and i sleepclicked my way through livejournals and imagestations and infos and instant messages. and i drifted out of my body and looked down and realized that my eyes and my fingers and my senses were permanently glued to the computer. and i stepped into the doorway and watched my own face inch closer and closer to the screen (because my contacts are out) and i felt sick. and i worried about feeling left out, being antisocial, being job-less, failing my finals, not having a major nor any direction, not making anything of my life, and you all at the same time.

i think it's over now and i can lay down again, but it's too bad i can't throw up those donuts because this means i'll have to run double. [f-word]ing disgusting. maybe i will fall asleep at 4 or 5 or not at all, and then i'll sleepguess through my stats finals, sleeppack my portable property, and go back "home" (what is home anymore anyway?).

i'm sorry if you have to be my friend. thanks.

every few months i have this anxiety attack type thing and i am tempted to say it's worse than physical pain

update: i need a 44% on my english final to get a PASS in the class (i'm not getting a letter grade).

someone remind me why i am studying.

oh boy. good morning.

what is more frustrating than finishing finals (practically) after every other school in the country? finish finals after everyone on my floor. when they're celebrating tomorrow night i will be studying for final #3, which is on Friday. i shouldn't complain as much as i do.... but hey, why not? it's fun.

the best way to feel rejection is simply to apply for jobs. no one ever calls you back. no one wants you. no one cares.

okay i'm stocked up on starbucks frapps. i forsee some non-stop studying until i figure out english and stats. both don't even matter that much. but we'll see. i also really need to start looking into major changes (well technically it's not a change because i don't have one yet). the comm lady kept saying how we get the chance to learn everything (because it is so broad) but my impression is that you can't learn everything, and when you try you learn nothing. i'll have no skills or in-depth knowledge of anything and after four years i will ask myself: where did that 80 grand go? yeah i definitely don't want that to happen. it's better to know something than nothing and so i need to start shopping around. but why am i worrying about this now? first hurdle= finals.

when i get back to san diego i am gonna go to torrey pines for an entire day. the kind of day where you carry more from your car than your board. i'm going to bring things. food frisbee cold drinks a book music board friends-if-they-want sunblock towel wetsuit rash guard water and i'm going to sit there from morning to evening and sleep and go for a run and maybe test out the water (if the jellyfish are gone). i am going to be completely idle and i'm going to spend the entire day away from the computer and it will feel really good.

my teeth are clean and the sky is really gloomy and that makes me happy. have a good day!

one last thing. goodbye.

So I guess I have a job. I make my dramatic return to right start. I have to go through formalities with paper work and training still, and I think that'll be a little strange. And it think it's really cool how certain things you learn during work sorta stick with you and that they can resurface with ease. When I stepped into the store for my interview, I swear everything about customer service kinda hit me and it was like stepping into something very familiar, even though its been a few months. I was smiley and playing with kids and I still knew prices of bouncy balls. CRAZY. I'll need to re-learn everything though, and that will be tricksy precious. I need to wrap something :)

Hm. I don't know, I don't know. I'm a little lost and confused. Sometimes a little frustrated and upset. I don't know what to do...relationships are SO delicate.

So summer school yesterday--some girl in my multimedia class thought she was too good for the rest of us just because she was interested in "directing" and "film"--ew, please. AHHHHHH pow pow pow. And my anthropology teacher is crazy. how dare she try to make it a real course. She should be thankful that people even ENROLL in that class.

Eagerly waiting:
-Charlie and the chocolate factory
-Turn left turn right
-The corpse bride
-True
-Terminal
-Closer
-Garden state
-Chronicles of narnia
-Aviator
-Coffee and cigarttes

Need to rent:
-13 conversations about one thing
-dirty pretty things
-twilight samurai

don't talk to me if you have bad breath

I AM USELESS!! had ling final from 1130-130.. can't tell you how it went, it depends on the answers. (and the curve). came back and took a THREE HOUR NAP (disgusing). then went to tae bo, which felt like the longest hour of my life. i effectively sweated through every piece of clothing i was wearing-- i'm sure you were dying to know that. took a shower, went to dinner. got some "food for finals". i know i paid for this stuff probably, but it still seems cool that we get celery, carrots, ranch, cookies, brownies, fruit, bagel w cream cheese, skittles and a drink for "finals fuel". i just like free stuff (even tho it's not free). free stuff reminds me of stacy. okay so after that i tried studying in the lounge but they brought in the bagel bites and ice cream sandwiches (more stuff to fatten us up for finals). its funny how the study lounges are full of people yet so is the gym... makes it seem like people are freaking out. study study study work out work out work out! there's no time! i'll never get into stanford! monica says: too late, you already failed. then i talked to michelle for a long long long time and now it's 12:36. WHERE DOES THE TIME GO. WHO STOLE IT?!? it's okay... it's okay... i have all of tomorrow and all of wednesday to study for english and stats. how am i supposed to study for english? read all 30 short stories and 2 novels over again to prepare for the 3 surprise explicating essays? i need to take more thought provoking classes. i haven't had a good think in a while. ahh summer-- anxiety. i swear i have more anxiety for summer than for finals week. i die without routines... i do nothing. ew this post is disgusting. there is no structure, no sense, no logic, no order, nothing worthwhile and meaningful.

this paper summarizes the story. while many of its observations describe the general dynamic between the couple suggested by its language, it does not get to the analysis of this language.


must be strong. will not give in to self. well not like boys. will exercise. will not eat cake. god, i feel like bridget jones. ooh i wish i were bridget jones because then i'd have marc darcy.

Embers, we're burning bridges down.
Envelopes stuffed with feelings found.
To write this down as means to reconcile.

haha that's great shelly. a year ago today i won a stereo and then it broke. a year ago i couldn't wait for summer and i was scared for college. a year ago i worked at the library. a year ago things were exciting and everything was ahead of me.

how cool

did you know that theres a movie coming out called "Riding Giants" written by stacy peralta? BUT i think its a boy. strange, verdad?

listening to: "I thought she knew" from NSA :)

hey, did you know that a year ago today we stayed up all night at school?

stacy--Welcome Back!

sonya--that's a lot of WPM for only using 4 fingers. well, i heard the yearbook sucks:)

eww, a stand of my own hair just landed in my bowl of cereal! yummy. i watched Saved! last night with Ashley and i agree, it was good. at oscars we saw jennie catrombone and brandy martell. OH, and i THINK i saw joanna's older sister too. actually, I'm pretty sure it was jo's sis.

I can't believe I'm starting summer school tomorrow. could i be any less prepared? I don't think I even have pens, pencils, paper. not to mention I haven't prepared myself for possibly running into people from high school...

hey, we graduated 1 year and 1 day ago!

HAHAHAH triple post! please don't fix it for me, michelle, because it is how i feel. (actually this is the easiest quarter of my life but let's pretend otherwise because i suck pity like a vampire)!!

how does this move-out business work? where will i work? who will i see? what will i do? will my car work? speaking of work, where will i work? i know i asked already. will i cook sew pillows write draw read volunteer eat exercise swim run do gymnastics floss my teeth or even brush them (the social pressue being gone and all) shower i'm only kidding paint my toe nails what color probably blue brush my hair ever or wear the same thing every day know what day is it? give me three days and ill lose track run at the track

or will i

sit online all day long because i am a product of this information age and technology controls and consumes me and i have this all-powerful need to "be connected" all day every day day to day and night too you can't forget; destined for carpel tunnel shoulder pains blurry vision and hours hours hours of wasted time. days go by slowly, weeks fast, months faster, and years even faster and all i have to show for it is 90 WPM

Oh, the summertime/ We could ride, we could ride/ Take my hand and watch the world go by/ Laugh or cry, well we need to try, get off the line, time to fly/ Oh, the summertime

if you can find them, get Mae- Summertime & Mae- Embers and Envelopes

finals week, oh my. only it doesn't feel like it. feels like... the week before summer when nothing matters, except things matter. what's the matter? i don't know yet how i feel about leaving. it gets hard adjusting back and forth all the time... home to school, school to home, two hours (usually four) and i am someone new: new job (which i have yet to find), old car, same old family fights. and a new me without you. just kidding!

no, what am i even talking about. my friends and the beach and driving (i hope my car runs) and runs! at the track and at the beach (because I enjoy it now, you know). after-beach hair and salty eyes. windows are so much better than A.C. my bed my pillow my shower [no slippers in the shower!]. movie nights, cooking nights, late nights. sometimes i wish my memory could be erased and i could start all over. over and over - things don't go away or i don't let them? my hands should definitely be kept away from the keyboard. i only type with four fingers, though.

(i reach into my pocket for some small change.)

goodnight :-}