AHHHHH i thought joshua wasn't going to talk back to me but he just did!! im SO FREAKING GIDDY RIGHT NOW I CAN'T STAND IT!! i have that stupid happy grin on my face and i want it to go away but its not!!!!! i really want to ask him if hes straight...no thats so mean. not that it matters or would CHANGE anything. plus, he's just being NICE. being that nice guy that he is. ugh, i'm so weird.

Here is the coversation:
me: is this joshua?
no repsonse. man, I was like freaking out a whole like 10 minutes before actually pushin "send" on the im box. I kept thinking what I would say if he responded....or didn't respond. and after i did hit send I wrote the previous post. so he didn't respond, and i assumed he wasn't by his computer.
me: um okay, well you don't know me but I just wanted to say that you are a great performer and "stand up" was an awesome show. congrats on winning silver at wgi
I was getting ready to sign off when...
him: thank you very much=-)
that's his exact reply. notice the smiley face. if you're not thinking what i'm thinking then you are a better person than I am. So this is the point where I just freaked out and started writing THIS post. he's so polite, cute kid. at this point I don't know what to do! should I keep talking to him...about what? if I do, will i bother him and then he wont be the nice boy anymore? does he think im a stalker? so i choose to do something completely neutral, thus allowing potential for further conversation...if he so chooses.
me: sure. good luck in the future
He can a) opt to carry on the conversation or b) end it thus leaving me slightly crushed what does he do?? Find out next week, same time, same station!!!

just kidding.

him: thanks=-)
end conversation. note the use of the smiley face yet again. turn that smile upside down and you'll get me!

hi i'm back. im posting again because i just imed joshua and now i need something to do to keep me from freaking out. I AM SO WEIRD. stalker stalker stalker stalker stalker stalker stalker stalker stalker stalker stalker stalker stalker stalker stalker stalker stalker stalker stalker stalker stalker stalker stalker stalker stalker.

Sonya I think you should ditch shon. he's a forty year old dirty man. useless bastard. relive your memories at your old gym. there were too many stupid cheerleaders there anyway.

okay I've been trying to restrain myself from posting because I feel that I post too much. But I have nothing else to do so here I am. Today was very weird because it's the first time in months that I haven't had a saturday practice. In fact, there was no practice at all this week. I had so much time I didn't know what to do with myself. I mean, I guess I could have done something useful and applied for a job or something... done some homework... anything really. (Haha, grace just imed me and asked why I wasn't at morp. I totally forgot) WHOA. Beautiful and Joshua from Pride are online. Don't ask me how I know their screenames or why they are on my buddy list...but i swear beautiful never used that sn. hmmm...to im or not to im. Not beautiful, but josh from pride...who is just so adorable but I swear he's gay. not that there's anything wrong with that, but whhhhy? not fair, too cute. oh man, listen to me talk like I KNOW HIM. i'm so weird. I AM SO WEIRD.

no one should be my friend. I'm dangerous.

I just realized something. The person I kinda sorta want to go to prom with...I don't think he knows my name.

i feel like i haven't written in so long. i am so sore right now, i think i broke my back at tumbling. i'm leaving the gym. i really, really am this time.. just as soon as the month is over. i may even go back to santee where all of my childhood memories are... we'll seeee. yesterday was a pretty good day for some reason.. i can't remember why. i really really really hate school. i am so hungry right now. i have nothing to say.

umm... hello, my name is michelle and I am such a STALKER. I. Am. Soooo. WEIRD. Sometimes I can't stand it. oh man. *breathe* if something occurs because of this, I will post more, if not...then this will once again be another one of my ramblings.

Today i got out of 4th period because cg was gonna go to the middle schools. it was raining. a bunch of us didnt want to go back to class. so we went to starbucks and carmel mtn. i actually had lunch off campus. but then i had to change my pants because its that time of the month. (i wonder if im going to be forced to "edit" that from the blog) other than that, it was a good day.

WE WANT THE Q TO SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh my goodness jo, you kill me.

back from ucr. on the way up there, i got the strangest feeling. Especially in Ohio, I began to realize just how much I am so californian/san diegan. I actually like California and living in San Diego...which is completely random because for the whole of my life I've been trying to get out San Diego. But now that the opportunity is here, I don't know if I'm ready to leave. So up on the way to riverside, it was just too weird. It was like being time warped to this place that was totally unfamiliar and new...that would be my home for the next four years. When we were actually on campus, I couldn't picture myself living there. It was interesting...not that there was anything wrong (except for the smell), but I just didn't feel like I belonged there, which yeah I know technically I don't but I couldn't see myself EVER really being there...it was just so surreal. I don't know what I'm saying anymore.

There was a boy there in a 3-piece suit following around his mom. It was so adorable. hello mr. man, i need a prom date.

OH MAN...I practically died reading sonya's library story!! What the heck?? I swear if I didn't know sonya, I'd think she needed to be locked away...for a very long time....until someone forgot where the key went. No really...the bookdrop has a voice!! and it's sonyas!!! I just about killed me!!! Oh man... i needed a good laugh.

there are a few things that make working at the library good. my favorite is shelving the mysteries and fiction because i look at the author's name and try to picture in my head what he or she would look like. then i flip the book over and look at the back cover to see if i was right. my favorites are stephen king-- who has a really bad picture, and some other woman, who is wearing a wedding-type gown and standing in front of a mansion. i also enjoy shelving new fiction and new audios because that is where i can look at what people are doing on the internet. a few weeks ago a balding man who came in with a skateboard was reloading a page over and over again. after observing (ok, spying), i found out that he was at www.neopets.com, trying desperately to get points. if you haven't heard of neopets, go to that site now and see what i'm talking about. i also like going in the bookdrop and saying things to people when they are dropping materials in. i make them think that the bookdrop has a voice. i like making the bookdrop regurgutate (sp) bad CDs when patrons throw them in. i like watching what people read, like a middle aged man who was reading cosmo and mademoiselle. oh, and i like the crazy security guards because they laugh at my jokes.

my good-things-for-the-day list: reading mango st. in english, 1 hour of nothing in eng, cotijas, ... okayyy NOTHING good happened today! i am sorry, i just can't be fakely positive and happy! I CANT believe they cut that whole tree down. ugh it makes me sick.. our school is an ugly jail. school was SUCH a complete waste of time today and the english sub's voice makes me sooo sleepy. people just need to stop talking forever. except for tawny. i love it when she talks.

more negativity: tumbling was so freakin lame. shaun is a 27 year old bastard. he makes eye contact, approaches the floor, and leaves and he doesn't care one bit that i am paying $20 to do absolutely nothing. that's IT. he can NOT just do that to me. next time he's alone (either thur or tue) it will be like this:
me: hi. are you able to teach any tumbling class? because no one here can help me except for you. and i understand if you cant.. i'll just find a new gym.
shaun: (a) yes i will teach (b) no i can't/don't want to
me: (a) okay, thanks (b) okay, thanks... bastard..
okay yeah i will so totally do that.

anyway, it's about time i stand up to people. i was just talking to michelle about the stupid project ms. quesada is assigning where you make your own "yearbook" so we can show her what we've learned. i'm sorry you b---ch but i haven't used page maker. i've spent the ENTIRE year TYPING memories and names and copying and pasting. i haven't learned ANYTHING. therefore, i propose that i be allowed to turn in a project that shows what i have learned: a piece of paper that says I HATE YEARBOOK copied a billion times.

once in a while this world just needs to die.

i'm really sorry about your world, michelle. boys are so wrong in every single way. i hate them and like them. joanna, i'm sure your hair looks beautiful and independent. i'm glad sadaf's car didn't roll down the hill. i'm proud of stacy for deciding not to go to nationals, because it's difficult. everyone else: hi i hate you bye.

ok, that's not true. not everyone. i have a very good friend who's name is karen. today she gave me an i love ny shirt. what she doesn't know is that when i was in ny i was looking everywhere for one and i couldnt find one (weird huh).. and i very much love new york so she basically made my life a lot better. i just want to tell the world (since apparently the world reads and judges this) that karen is great and you should be jealous if you don't know her. but if you want to know her, i can always introduce you.

i'm trying hard to be happy and in the seventeen magazine it said that at the end of the day i should write down good little things that happened to me. yesterday i was sort of sad but i came up with many things. today: 2 big chocolate chip cookies from my mom, peach yogurt, barb back in my classes, missed less on gov practice test, making fun of the Q, karens note, i <3 ny shirt, homeroom easy, eng low stress.. and now i am homeee. and to top it ALL off with a BIG RED CHERRY.. tonight is tumbling!! maybe i'll make myself SUPER happy and wear my i<3ny shirt WHILE tumbling. (wee!). so i guess that is a big list of happy things. i could write bad things too but then that would defeat the purpose of writing happy things to be happy. instead, i'll keep the sad things bottled up inside my head and then they will grow and EXPLODE! POW! jk there isn't that much bad but i do hate boys. DO YOU HEAR THAT?? ok good.

hi that's basically it i guess. my head is sort of empty right nowwww.. the clouds are pretty though. was i the only one that thought that the fallen-down tree at school was beautiful? it looked so dramatic. sometimes i wish the world was black and white so everything could be deep but also simple just like a black and white photograph.

oookay, back to trying to kill time before tumbling by sulking around instead of doing much-neglected work of the home kind.

----

Oh my gosh, I am so happy right now for this one very second. I was just writing my Spanish essay before posting all that stuff I just typed and I just realized that im not sure but I think I am in love with writing. I think I want to mix dar es salaam, house on mango street, dandelion wine, and catcher in the rye and write a novel of randomness and epiphanies. Oh yes that will be one of my life dreams. Stacy made a list of things she will do before she DIES and I think I should do that to. I should do it on a lined piece of paper, and add to it whenever I think of something.
1. write a book of randomness and epiphanies in a dar es salaam- house on mango- catcher- dandelion wine style.
2. fall in love.

swimming in the rain sounds so fun! and I only judge you when you ******--edited because I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING I WANT ON THIS STUPID BLOG BECAUSE PEOPLE READ THIS AND I REALLY DONT CARE WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT ME BUT OBVIOUSLY I HAVE TO BE "CAREFUL"

Here lies how stan got a prom date told by Rachel:
ohh i forgot how me n kim started talkin about prom
but yea we were like talking and he like joins in
and im like...so u going to prom
and hes like yea im going alone
or something like that
and we're like aw how sad you'll find a date
andhes like no im just kidding im going with someone
and we're like who
and hes like my friend julia
and were like uhh whose that
then hes like no jk im goin with my friend shelly eads
we're like best friends blah blah blah
n we're like howd u ask her
and hes like "i was like...hey what are u doing on may 10? cuz yanno if your not busy then maybe you know we can go to prom but hey if you busy that cool too"

Welcome to my world.

i know you're judging me but i'm going to go swim in the rain so i don't care.

okay I'm back. I know this is going to be a fairly long and boring post, so if you want to read some interesting stuff...scroll down. So continuing on...

--Wednesday: after the volleyball game ended the little boy left so we were relieved. we got really really really close to the floor and i'm so glad that we did. because thats where it happened. Joshua from Northern Lights. Oh man... okay their show is about War and like letters that real people have written. Oddly enough it was from a book that Kim gave to me for my birthday. Well, since we were sitting really close, the floor was EXTRA close and when josh came over to pick up his flag, he almost hit us. So he winked and said "sorry" then ran away. It was just too cute. But THEN...oh man, then he got to say his war letter thing and oh man I was gonna cry. I looked in the book today for his letter and it goes like this...

My Darling,
I like to sit up these warm bright nights and watch the white clouds and dark shadows move in the night. That's when I miss you the most darling. On the nights that I sit up alone I can feel you very close to me. SOmetimes we sit and talk and sometimes I pretend we are just sitting there with our arms about each other. Best I don't dwell on the subject just now cause I miss you so much right now it seems as though my heart is going to burst.
-Jack

In the book they show his picture and its an odd feeling. It says Jack was shot down 3 days later over Burma. He was writing to his fiancee.

--Thursday: Practice again in the morning. Did a run in front of Clovis West. We went to the Arena to check it out and watched some guards. Then we came back later to watch a run for Clovis West. Wow...thursday is a blur to me. Oh wait!! The coaches wouldn't let us SLEEP!!! they wouldn't let us sleep because they wanted us to be tired so we could go to sleep at 8:30pm because we had to wake up at like 4 to practice because we had pre-lims performance at 9:20. It worked...I was so exhausted.

--Friday: It was unbelievable to be awake soooo freaking early but NOT be tired. Amazing. We had a short practice. I had been having trouble with some tosses in the show...but today I was so completely OFF. I swear I dropped everything. As usual, I was starting to freak out. We did a run through and in the middle of like the 1st toss I hit myself...again. I was pissed and upset that I just can not have a good show so I was holding back tears and didnt care for the rest of the show. Surprisingly, the coaches were really happy. They said that it was the best run we've had. Ooookay, let me hit myself and I'll have a good show. Didn't matter though, I was still mad at myself. But whatever we loaded the floor and drove to Dayton Arena. Went to warm up and all that crap and I wasnt feeling to bad. But it was interesting...so many things were happening at once, everyone was so busy and you could just feel something in the air. We were just a small part of something much bigger and grander. I tried to do the splits on the wall. pulled something in the leg. Finally, we went down the tunnel and CenterGrove was just before us...the energy was just crazy. We were at the World Championships! While we were waiting I just closed my eyes and I knew that this was it. This was what I had been working for for sooo long. There was nothing left that I could do, the show was mine. Then it was show time. I was extremely calm. There weren't as many people in the seats because it was still early and we were fairly early in the program. But it didn't matter. I was with the guard, my friends, and it was our time to shine. Oh man, it was the best show ever. I don't think I've ever been that proud to walk off the floor. Of course, we all were worrying because yes, we had drops. 20 world guards and only 15 make finals. we had never made finals.

And in dayton we didn't either. however, our score actually went up, which is amazing because apparently they go down. rb dropped 5 whole points. but anyway, the coaches said we did a great job and all that. but it was nate that said that he thought our show was better than our run through earlier, and that he and all the other coaches were proud of us. That was extremely nice. no one takes guard seriously. we took our pictures and all that then watched other guards. Pride was sitting a ways away, but we just sat down behind them and people took pictures of us. Joshua from Pride was there....he's so cute but I swear he's gay.

Later that night we all got dressed up for dinner at this really cute italian restaurant, Bravo. I got to sit next to Nate :) We got to draw on the paper on top of the table cloths. It was fun and the food was good. But most of all, I got to sit and talk with nate.

--Saturday: we all brought out our matching stuff. hats, ties, and all that. watched a bunch of guards. Then it was awards. Oh man, it was bittersweet. They brought all the guards who made finals down on to the floor and it seemed like so much fun and it was defiantely an honor to be there. I realized that I would never be there. This was the end for me. But yeah, logan won SW and raiders won IW. Then we got to go down on to the floor and see all the people. Took pictures with BOTH Joshuas ----so hot---logan people, the good orange boy... it was very cool. Now I want the tape of finals/prelims but i dont want to spend money.

--Sunday:came home.

But man, Joanna LIFEHOUSE came to our school and they're gonna play at prom. Unfortunately, Stan ASKED shelly eads to prom. But we all got pictures and stuff signed by them. SO hot :)

i feel the way it looks out of my window right now. not beautiful, which rain is when things are going well. i think that my happy streak was inevitably going to lead to this and it is too bad. i know it isnt fair to be possessive over something that is not at all yours, but isn't that quality embedded into our nature? that's the only way i can explain my irrational moodiness. i put myself into bad moods and i indulge in my own depression because i secretly like it. comfort my sulking because i feed off of your pity.

sometimes i wonder why we all look so different. why are some people more attractive than others? so disney movies can show the age old fallacy that true love conquers all? maybe beauty isn't as superficial as we are all taught. is it strange to ask yourself, "if my face was 3 points better, would he like me 3 points more?". and what's the tiebreaker between two equally intelligent and kind candidates? what are we all actually looking for? beauty fades with time but we live for the moment.

i picked up kurt cobain's journal entries yesterday at the library. this might be long to read, but i want to type my favorite [i'll keep all spelling and punctuation in its original form]:

I like various styles of music. I like making fun of musicians whom I feel pladgerise or offend music as art by explotion + pushing their embarrasingly, pathetic versions of their work onto the public. I like to write poetry. I like to ignore other's poetry. I like vinyl. I like nature and animals. I like to swim. I like to be with my friends. I like to be by myself. I like to feel guilty for being a white, American male. I love to sleep. I like to fill my mouth with seeds and spit them out at random as I walk. I like to taunt small, barking dogs in parked cars. I like to make people feel happy and superior in their reaction towards my appearance. I like to feel predjudice towards people who are predjudice. I like to make incisions into the belly of infants then f*** the incisions until the child dies. I like to dream that someday we will have a sense of Generational Solidarity amongst the youth of the world. I like to make insidious efforts to Avoid Conflict. I like to have strong opinions with nothing to back them up besides MY PRIMAL Sincerity. I like sincerity. I LACK Sincerity. these are not opinions. these are not words of wisdom. this is a disclaimer. a disclaimer for my lack of education, for my loss of inspiration, for my unnerving quest for affection and my perfunctory shamefullnes towards many who are of my relative age. Its not even a poem. its just a big pile of shit like ME.

it's strange how i have so many different personalities. there is the 'city' me who likes dressing up like a businesswoman and wants to work in new york city. that me is all cultured and can spend hours in museums and likes plays and musicals and classical music. then there is the 'country' me who wants to lay in a field of grass all day. who likes to see the view off of a high mountain and wants to be scrubby. then there is the 'beach' me who loves the feeling of being scared in the ocean and who likes to be burried in sand and doesnt even mind when sand gets everywhere like in my scalp. the 'school' me smiles all the time and floats from class to class, sort of out of it. the school me participates in clubs and smiles at appropriate times and acts enthusiastic when talking to people about their insiginificant lives. the 'online' me is either really hyperactive or really idle. typing at crazy speeds or sluggishly maximing and minimizing the IM window. there is the 'alone' me who stares in the mirror until my face is a bunch of shapes and colors, not a face. who takes thousands of showers and tries to go to sleep at 1030, but ends up worrying ovee and analyzing everything.

lately i haven't been sure whether i'm self conscious or self confident. i usually think that i am confident because i can see other people's insecurities. i can feel what is wrong with the world and i can analyze people's actions and find their weaknesses. i know that if anyone hurts me it is because they are stupid and i know i am capable of doing anything i want. but no matter how much i know that i shouldn't care what people think, i do. i try so hard not to care but i still constantly worry about my friends and my teachers and my aquaintances and people that i make eye contact with at the store. i think i have a slight phobia of being in public places.

i can't find a good way to end this so bye.

Joanna I wanna see your short hair!...Logan people are definately as good as their reputation makes them out to be...and more.

This is how I spent my Spring Break:
--Tuesday: finished packing at like 5 am and went to school @ 6. It was cold. Then we went to the airport where a bunch of nothing happened. I was trying to finish Fellowship. Flew to arizona then to Chicago. Time change was confusing. From Chaicago to Columbus. Then got on a bus to go to Dayton. Ate at this really good Italian restaurant that I don't know the name of...apparently they are all in the mid-west and east coast...I don't think there's one in san diego, too bad. It was really good food, a lady kept coming around and giving us more breadsticks so it was great! free food :) Melanie, Katy and I found out that our coaches are embarrassed of us!! It was COLD... colder than I've felt in a really long time. It was oddly refreshing and nice. The wind was biting and it felt it thousands of knives piercing my skin. Oh man, I love that weather. Got on a bus and drove to the hotel with Bob the bus-driver. Still cold. Went to sleep.
--Wednesday: went to practice at a church next to a graveyard. really early, too tired. Then went to the Dayton Mall...got a $5 minnie mouse shirt. There are like no asian people. Then we went to see the World Exibitions @ centerville. But first there was this volleyball game that just would NOT end. We didn't know who to cheer for so we decided on the team with the better colors. Too bad there was this annoying little boy who kept shaking these poles and chains every single SECOND while we were sitting on the bleachers. we wanted to push him off. ahhh bell just rang... more later.

I just got back from OHIO. oh man...the stories I could tell!!! I just feel really out of it right now...like I took a break from REALITY for a whole week, and now I'm back. It just feels surreal. I'm so lost and I don't want to go to school tomorrow. That's probably the worst part of it...my whole spring break vanished before me and I didn't even know it.

BUT OH MAN...wgi was GREAT!! I need to get my pictures developed... I love my Joshuas!!! **swoon** But yeah I have to get my life in order now...back with more later.

i wrote in my real journal last night, too. there is so much i can't write on here.. everything gets misinterpreted and turns into drama. i feel really sucky right now. i was planning on going surfing to improve my mood but... the rain ruined that. what does the rest of my spring break come to? homework, work, and rain. and i've been online WAY too much-- i think that's what is putting me in a bad mood.

gotta keep 'em seperated!

to stace, all i have to say is... no matter which path you take, you will end up in the right place. choice 1: you will get there with fancy-name prestige. choice 2: you will get there and avoid falling into debt. anyway, you shouldn't listen to what people tell you... people at school. they are so impractical. i bet you've listened to so many people that you don't even know what you want. just try to think about it as if you're looking back in 20 years.. what's going to matter? anyone who feels bad for not doing homework on sat. of spring break will end up successful.

afi- girls not gray, all american rejects- swing swing, cake- short skirt/long jacket