Why is it that the moment after I actually say what I really think, do I feel nothing but instantaneous regret and nothing of instantaneous satisfaction? I feel stupidity not gratification. A girl scorned wrote the letter in a fit of rage and hell hath no fury, right? I wanted to absolutely CRUSH him with the weight of wrath-laden words. And now, now I just wish to never confront anyone again. I’m too emotional to ever argue with someone. I think I handled the whole situation like such a child. Now who’s being immature? And I just felt ridiculous speaking my point because it sounded so childish in my ears. I could hear myself talking and I just wanted to shoot myself because I sounded so dumb. I was emotional and couldn’t articulate any sort of argument—I kinda kept saying the same things over and over again. Beforehand, I felt like I was going to faint. And so when I blurted everything out, the words just started to go and I knew that there was no way I could stop, despite how stupid I sounded and how horrible I felt. Honestly, I feel like such an evil person for making such a fit over something so small. In a very indirect way, I completely blame Dr. Johnson and work related stress for my meltdown today. This is something that usually wouldn’t bother me (although it should) and definitely something I would not trip out over. But for some reason, today I just snapped! I just feel like I blew up at him over something so small and trivial, nothing of any sort of consequence. He probably thinks I was over-reacting about my freaking grade. Screw the grade man; it’s the PRINCIPLE!! I am supposed to be able to talk to him about things without him making me feel like an idiot. And that other TA can just shut her freaking mouth. NO ONE ASKED YOU. They were just talking about me like I wasn’t even there. Jerks! Honestly though, I know that he probably didn’t mean to make me feel like crap. I’m so over-reacting. This is going to drive me insane, I just know it. It’s funny though, because while I’m going insane he’s probably forgotten the whole incident. I hate the feeling of not mattering, I matter damn it! Oh, but now what? Poli Sci is going to be so weird now. I’m going to hyperventilate and die—or maybe just switch out of my discussion. What must he think of me? FREAK. That’s what he’s thinking. Who knew that speaking your mind could be so terrifying??

Dear Mr. I'm too important to care about my students feelings,

I was highly offended when I left your office today. First of all, I went to see you regarding my test because I honestly felt that I should not have been deducted points based upon the comment you made on my short answer. Obviously, it was something I felt was IMPORTANT enough to see you, and whatever, two points is two points but I did not feel like I was in the wrong. While it may seem ridiculous to a person like you who probably has never recieved anything less than 100 percent on every assignment because you are never wrong, for lesser beings on the earth, we all have faults and make mistakes. And I would assume that most people would like to understand the capacity in which they are wrong; hence me going to office hours. I see now that that was a mistake because I was hoping to be enlightened, but instead I was ridiculed and humiliated. In going to see a TA, I did not expect to be belittled, nor laughed out the office. So thanks, I do not think I will ever pursue that option again.

Secondly, who the hell is that other TA to be saying anything about what grade I should get on my test when a) I do not know who she is, b) she does not know me or anything about me, c) she did not even see my test, d) she is NOT my GRADUATE TA. No one was ASKING her, and the only way I could ever care about anything she had to say would only be if she were the person grading my tests. But shes not, so explain to me again why she was even talking.

Finally, this is not some petty plea for points on my test. If it should please you, you can take even more points off my test. I did, through all the crap, come to understand why it was that I got points marked off my test, which I suppose is the material point.

I know that you probably did not mean to offend me, but you did and I just thought you should know. And if you did mean to ridicule, then you just suck.

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I have someones umbrella. Actually, its Sadafs but I want to give it to Stacy:)

I just booked my tickets and they really should give more time for spring break. I get back @ 9 sunday night and have 2 midterms the next morning starting @ 8am. I'm thinking I'll have 3 midterms but I have yet to track down my missing syllabus. I don't know how that will work out but I'm sure I'll have time during my flights to study haha.

My new plan to join something at school has backfired because there's nothing that I really WANT to join:( Maybe I'm just not looking in the right places? Nothing leadership please. But I did find the school art gallery that I never knew existed before so that was cool. haha maybe I'll be one of those people who takes all 'potential students' on those campus tours and tries to make everything so much nicer than it really is. I'll stand in front of all the cracks and holes in the walls. I joke.

STUDY OR DIE!!

you mean this one? :-)

HOME at last!! This weekend was so much fun, but I have to admit that driving down the 5 (and past the ocean) made me want to be nowhere else but home. Of course I had tons of work to do (that I am neglecting so that I may blog) and that my legs had turned into mush and were aching to be of use walking around or something. but more than that I think I was just wanting to get back to my life? A routine I know, familiar places, recognizable faces. but with a semi-new perspective that I hope to apply to my tiny little bubble herrr that I've carved out of the stuff of life.

Here's to all nighters, coffee and tea, chocolate, the Notebook, music, mountains and green fields, tiny shops and the BEST wall in all of Palo Alto.