UGH$%&^ you know what sucks? when you want to be mad, but you can't really because your rationality prevents it... but really, it doesn't stop it... it just kind of covers it up. BUT YOU'RE STILL MAD. i don't really know what i'm trying to say, but yeah.

today karen and i interviewed a really cool lady. she was anti war activist at santa barbara and she got hit with a brick by a national guardsman and she threw the brick back. and she did volunteer work and she was a journalist and an editor and i wish i had her life. talking to her was like stepping inside a time machine. (gotta site ray bradbury on that one). talking to her was soooo cool... imagine how many stories everyone alive has to tell. i wish i could just go door to door and hear them all.

today i had fun hanging out with drew.

and its almost time to go back to school. taking new classes will be cool... but i don't really know about school. i kind of like it here. but this back-and-forth sd/la thing at least keeps things interesting. i don't feel much like thinking, writing, or existing right now. i kind of want to fall into a deep, dreamless sleep for a really long time. i feel like i don't have any dreams, goals, imagination, feelings, etc. i don't know why.

i think im bored and im boring.

btw those lyrics are there because i love john mayer, not because they explain something.

By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
Well all I got's
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
That it won't and it won't because it can't
Because it just can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to

-=.=-

Two wrongs make it all alright tonight

All you need is love is a lie cause
We had love but we still said goodbye
Now we're tired, battered fighters

And it stings when it's nobody's fault
Cause there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name
It's only the air you took and the breath you left

Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch 'til you come back home
Oh, right
I can't find a flight
So I'll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right

the R key on my keyboard is broken and it is driving me insane... i was gonna post but im suddenly extremely tired. i think ill rest a bit since i had to wake up at 7 today.

don't leave.

why can't we all just stay in san diego and hang out every day?

i want to quit work. people are horrible. at least i get paid tomorrow, even though none of it compensates for being beaten and over-worked.

but i really must say that i love my friends and the rest of goodkids. they are wonderful people who make me happy.

wow michelle, i love your post.

okay so i think that its a good thing to take a look back at the year gone by and evaluate and analyze. So, 2003. This year just seems so Full--tons of stuff hapened, and didn't happen, but I feel like its just bursting with experiences. I think my resolution for this year was to stop being insane. Yeah, I think i pretty much failed at that, but resolutions are meant to be broken. Although, I think I probably had the most adventures in 03, and learned quite a bit about myself. I think I've been more "me" this year. I took in a lot because it was such a big year.

There was discovering orlando, fighting the administration in yearbook, learning how to be happy the effort put in even if the result was less than what was desired, turning 18 and becoming an adult, being more courageous, still having hope when all I wanted to do was give up, deciding on a college, being okay with rejection, becoming "real friends," learning how to keep in touch with old ones, remembering that no matter what--some people/things are connected to you whether you want them to be or not, actually being okay with being independent rather than just pretending, there is no ideal way to spend four years, graduation and understanding what that meant, finding out that reading peoples comments in yearbooks is nice and people in my class are not all hopeless, being brave enough to include a secret crush, having the best summer of my life with my best friends, trying to surf, getting a job, paying bills, trying to decorate my room, saying goodbye, trying to find my way to a whole new life, meeting new people in a scary place, reading the whole lord of the rings trilogy and then some, leaving a place knowing that I was better for having been there and not worrying about those who left with me or after me, voting, making a decision about school and sticking with it, surviving the fires, realizing that working 40 hours during finals week was not a good idea, meeting orlando bloom, finishing first semester of college, snowboarding!

This year truly had its high moments--graduation, and its really dark moments. I had to suffer through two deaths this year. One was of my grandfather--and I love (loved?) him more than anything or anyone else in the whole of the world. There are wounds that go to deep and can never truly heal, no matter how much time passes. And how do you recover from that?

I do not think I'll make a resolution for 2004...I know it'll just be broken anyway. And if it's not broken, then i'll kill myself trying to keep it. I think taking a day at a time is best, that way there are no regrets. Goodbye 2003!

shameless plug-- i think my sisters site looks really nice.

my arms hurt from snowboarding so bad-- i can hardly lift anything. gotta go clean..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FRIEND KATYANA SACRO!!!!

hey fb, i really do think we are the coolest people alive.

i <3 my friends!!!!

i am NOT bob.

uh oh sonya's in trouble. :-(

things i did over christmas break lastyear (according to my sparkly blue diary):

1. gift wrapped and made $120
2. bought presents for family
3. delivered presents to a family friend
4. went caroling at arbor's
5. helped barb paint her room
6. went to pasadena to work on rose parade floats
7. listened to john mayer
8. watched good will hunting (10 times), amelie, and when harry met sally
9. did math review problems
10. went online
11. played flute
12. went stalking
13. gave kat her birthday gifts
14. went hiking at the beach with family
15. had a movie night
16. went to souplantation (twice)
17. did my photo essay at the getty museum in la
18. went to joanna's TGIF party
19. went to denny's with FB (inc jo)
20. hung out at ivan's with FB
21. ate at rubio's with barb
22. went to a lame new years eve party
23. got a christmas tree


oh, and here's what i wrote about UCLA (i was trying to make decisions about college):

UCLA:
good = pretty, freddy (jk), close but not too close, almost affordable, good weather, close to beach (sort of), big city accessible, can go home when i want, hot guys, good school
**haha notice "good school" is last
bad = hard to get into, LA=ew, not on east coast, maybe not perfect for what i want to do, people are fake-- it is just an extension of high school, classes too big and impersonal


haha--- people are fake. did i really think i could escape that by going east? there are always fake people and there are always cool people. you just need to find the right people.

take the back road, exit el camino real. take it straight to torrey pines and make a left only when you hit the ocean. follow the road down, crossing the bridge but be careful of the bikers on your right. park, get out, climb down the rocks, turn left. follow the ocean to flat rock. notice a stairway on your left, take it, follow the cliff up up up until the surfers look like baby seals and then mere specks of black. and so you'll be at the place where the forest meets the ocean. you may want to walk to one of the viewpoints where you can stand on the edge of the world or lay down on the bench there if you're tired. the whole ocean will be before you and the whole forest will be behind you, and the sky will most likely be blue because everything is so beautiful that it has to. and as you climb up up away from the ocean, it only gets bigger and only then can you appreciate its vastness. oh, and people say hi to you as you hike because everyone is so happy to be there. because nature makes people good, or better at least. at the summit of torrey pines, on a spot that is hugged by forest and ocean alike, that's where i want to make a little house. i'll live there and never come out, except to make the ten story plunge into the icy pacific every morning before the ocean becomes speckled with tiny black debris.

I told him to go wash his own moron face- which was a pretty childish thing to say, but I was mad as hell. I told him to stop off on the way to the can and give Mrs. Schmidt the time. Mrs. Schmidt was the janitor’s wife. She was around sixty-five.

---

I watched him for a while. Then I said, "The reason you’re sore at Stradlater is because he said that stuff about brushing your teeth once in a while. He didnt’ mean to insult you, for cryin’ out loud. He didn’t say it right or something, but he didn’t mean anything insulting. All he meant was you’d look better and feel better if you sort of brushed your teeth once in a while." "I brush my teeth. Don’t gimme that."
"No, you don’t. I’ve seen you, and you don’t," I said.

---

"It made me mad, though, when I was getting my coat. People are always ruining things for you."


---

"I went down by a different staircase, and saw another ‘Fuck You’ on the wall. I tried to rub it off with my hand again but this one was SCRATCHED on, with a knife or something. I wouldn’t come off. It’s hopeless, anyway. If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn’t rub out even HALF the ‘Fuck You’ signs in the world. It’s impossible."

I still hold that this is one of the greatest social commentaries ever written

hey, you: just seven more days and it's back to the beginning.

so finally, for the first time since i came back to pq, i have my room all for myself... [dad used it while mom was sick]. i've dressed the bed up in clean new sheets that smell like detergent- yummm, and i cleaned everything else and put all my stuff where it belongs. and now i can fall asleep looking at MY walls that are covered with my pictures and everything i love... and everything feels so comfortable and maybe this is what i was missing the past two weeks? my own familiar space... the only place that i could call mine for 6 and a half years. and so for one more week i can truly have my own room... but after that it's back to sharing a closet with 2 other people. closet? orlando in a closet? i wish.

my dad bought me a mouse that fits in the palm of my hand. and the cord is retractable.

watching sad movies when you're sad makes you feel better because you realize how trivial your own problems are. but you know, sometimes it isn't good to think in relative terms. it can drive you crazy because in addition to worrying about your problems you can worry about worrying because you know that you really shouldn't be worrying because somewhere someone is getting abused.

i wish i had aver day a birthday.

lotr monopoly is the best! its like a blending of two of my favorite things---weee I wish the whole would could be like that! I showed sonya this picture that I really like of orlando where hes like "becoming" legolas--again 2 of my favorite things :) I got the alicia keys cd and I like it. Store credit is not fun if you don't like the store. PEOPLE CAN BE SO MEAN when it comes to money. Money is so evil! And people get really crazy when they dont get discounts. All sales final means its YOURS forever. And people think theres always exceptions--and that THEY are that exception. Bite me bc I don't CAAAAAAAARE!!!!!

According to sonyas theory I would be "nothing" because I never had those stages of wanting to be anything. Except I'd be a nun. I'm not kidding, sometimes I really want to just do it. Except I'd get rejected bc I'm already going to hell.