stacy--get SLEEP.

summer school sucks. i like the way my schedule would be set up if i took classes at state--but then thats more $$. If I take classes at mesa, less $ but takes up more time. And I think I'll be working? haha. Plus, the only class I really want to take there is not transferable. AND i dont like labs bc you are in there for like 5 hours but its only 1 unit. this whole thing is ridiculous...

sleepy now. goodbye.

a little bit guilty

so is just coincidental that when you are unhappy everyone else is happy? or is it that you are unhappy because they are happy? whatever. w h a t e v e r, as is often said. the sky is really blue today but even that isn't helping.

it's so unsatisfying that we have to work at being happy.. it's not the natural state. the natural state is being unhappy and dissatisfied and you have to do things so that you are happy. screw that

usually i'm just disapointed in people i don't know. but this week i am dissapointed people i don't know and people i do know. and that makes me really sad. you make me really sad.

not that anyone is to blame.... except for you and you and you and you and you
(and probably be me, but more so you)

yesterday a car almost ran me over (when i totally had the right of way)
and i yelled ASSHOLE
and he yelled BITCH

and i felt so angry
and i yelled YOU SHOULD DIE

and the scary thing is that i think i meant it. i'm really tired of assholes in big expensive cars, trying to make up for something...

I NEED THE OCEAN SO BADLY its like dehydration

meh i'm gonna go find a cave

HAHAHAH!!!!! i wrote 5 or so paragraphs about my crappy-as-all-hell day and it didn't save!!
HAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

FOUND THIS from spring break last year:

--Wednesday: after the volleyball game ended the little boy left so we were relieved. we got really really really close to the floor and i'm so glad that we did. because thats where it happened. Joshua from Northern Lights. Oh man... okay their show is about War and like letters that real people have written. Oddly enough it was from a book that Kim gave to me for my birthday. Well, since we were sitting really close, the floor was EXTRA close and when josh came over to pick up his flag, he almost hit us. So he winked and said "sorry" then ran away. It was just too cute. But THEN...oh man, then he got to say his war letter thing and oh man I was gonna cry. I looked in the book today for his letter and it goes like this...

My Darling,
I like to sit up these warm bright nights and watch the white clouds and dark shadows move in the night. That's when I miss you the most darling. On the nights that I sit up alone I can feel you very close to me. SOmetimes we sit and talk and sometimes I pretend we are just sitting there with our arms about each other. Best I don't dwell on the subject just now cause I miss you so much right now it seems as though my heart is going to burst.
-Jack

and that is how he won the hearts of the entire guard and started this whole thing. so you see....its not my fault that I stalk him. he cant just stay things like that and NOT expect people to lover him.

okay okay okay okay oooooooookay. I think there should be a group for people who are addicted to stalking? My dependency on false images of potentials is completely unhealthy...AND it doesnt help when people feed my addiction!! PLUS the internet is just a instrument of stalking---waiting to be used....

OH MY GOD.

breathe breathe breathe breathe.... im a sick sick sick sick man. omg and sometimes my crazy stalkingness ever surprises me. Thats how I know that it's gotten really really bad and sorta scary, I think.

People should FEAR ME.

(today we learned about verbal irony)


bad days are the best

weird dream: i was in some military tournament or summer camp thing and we were doing a race.. and what you had to do was hang-glide over the ocean onto the track (yeah the track was in the middle of the ocean) and then you had to do 4 laps of pole vaulting.. but basically you were just running around the track, using the vaulting stick to help you along. but the problem was that i couldn't land.. i just kept flying over the ocean. everyone else landed. and then finally i landed somewhere on the track and i went as fast as i could, running and pole vaulting and i was trying my hardest. and then i remember there were three of us ahead of everyone else.. me, walter, and this buffed out guy. and we won. and i beat both of them. and then everyone was really surprised because i'm not in shape and i beat walter and the buff guy. and i was talking to barb about it and i said, barb i don't have a good feeling about this. and i realized it was because when i landed my hang-gliding i actually landed in the middle of the track so i was half a lap in front of everyone else. basically.. i cheated. so i went to my mom for consultation and i said, mom i'm going to have to tell them that i'm not really the winner. and then i woke up.

how fragile life is
not to be corny, but i really invision a paper thin butterfly being crushed by the clap of a pair of coarse hands

flood all my senses with the five letter word and STILL it will never seem real
in fact, i don't know what to say so i shall glaze over it and just not say anything.


i didn't know the book fair was coming to town, to ucla. i did see the circus tents but naturally not being very curious i didnt even bother to ask. BUT! bradbury! mygod CISNEROS! (howard dean too). and mary poppins. such a beautiful thing at such a bad time.( two roads diverged in a yellow wood and sorry i could not travel both... )decisions suck big time., but a once in a life time chance? "Your eyes are beautiful, you said. You said they were the darkest eyes youd ever seen and kissed each one as if they were capable of miracles. And after you left, I wanted to scoop them out with a spoon, place them on a plate under these blue blue skies, food for the blackbirds." oooh i can't decide, sweeet sweeeet caramelo.


the sky just changed from blue to black in a matter of seconds, or i'm just not paying attention. have to remember to pay attention to everything like the grass and the way the sky smells. and i bet some people go through it all without even knowing they are alive.

i know ive said it before and im just stealing bradbury's recipes, but life is a privilege not a right.

I dont think I've ever felt more inadequate in my cinema class than today. There was this girl sitting 2 rows behind me talking to this guy about how shes going to assist this producer in LA this summer--and how she gets to work on this Universal movie that stars Sean Astin (Samwise Gamgee). And to add to my growing desire to chew off my own leg, the guy starts saying how he just got a call from MTV to do this work on some feature and how his movie is going to appear in a film festival coming up.

No really, it would be a perfect time for the earth to open up and swallow me whole.

Only 2 more weeks left and its not going to be fun...
-Comp lit paper
-Soc group project
-Soc paper
-Soc final
-Comm final
-Rws paper
-Rws presentation
-cinema final

should find time to develop pics and visit little kids. should i try to find a job? and figure out summer school classes too.

Something completely forgettable when all I'm trying to do is be remembered. .

sonya as much as i love holden, and you know that i do very much, i do not think that you should look to him as a reference to living. he's pretty much like us--lost and on the way to a nothingness life. Look to your role model, she got herself a lover loverson by the name of Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy. Now thats something everyone should aspire to ;) I liked that your conversation was disturbingly similar to the conversation that was going on in my head right before i decided to blog.

I gave up on my internships because they gave up on me.

all I really want to do with my life, I mean if I had my own choice... I'd be a wanderer.

First winter rain--
I plod on,
Traveller, my name.

Wake butterfly--
it's late, we've miles
to go together.

actually, that is a lie. I DONT KNOW what I want and I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave me alone! Voices please go away.

He ignored her suggestions, lost in his own thoughts. His mind traveled at the speed of a blinding florescent gleam, a train whizzing through hours, days, decades, single moments in time brushed over with a single fingerprint like chalk pastels on a canvas. At the first station, a family- his family- enjoying an August supper in a quaint house on a street tree-lined like dominoes. At the next stop, a rusty brown and green June bug- a car, his car, and his first. And the cool feel of a woman’s hand rustling orange-and-black butterflies inside his heart. All of these things Mr. Clemens saw and touched and all of these things he tried to feel as if it were the first time. But he couldn't.


OH! Sproul 4North Room409 ;D!

some people have so much dedication, determination. tomorrow's quiz to next week's midterm to the final to the pre-reqs to the upper-divs to the degree, the grad school, the six figure salary.

and others have passion. don't know what's going to happen but i love this and i want it. and you say an english degree is useless? well i say i can't see myself doing anything else.

AND THEN THERE IS ME.

"What are you studying in the university?"
"Well... nothing. A little of everything, I guess."
"Does anything in particular strike you?"
"Hmmm... umm.. well.. no."

"And your interests?"
"Well actually, I don't really have any interests. I guess I just don't really like anything."

"What are you planning on doing with your life then?"
"Not much, really. I mean... I don't have "goals" if that's what you want to call them. I'm actually just planning on doing nothing."
"No aspirations, desires, hopes? drea--?"
"Nope."

HOW GODDAM BORING MUST IT BE TO TALK TO THAT PERSON. AND GUESS WHAT! THAT PERSON IS ME.

but holden knows the truth and the air is really blue today (and the sky is clear) so i'm not giving up just yet :-)
tonight: "the conversion of the jews" and "the man who loves levittown" <-- my homework is candy

straight up

my friends my friends my friends. i luv you i lover you i love you.

is there anywhere to work this summer? please post suggestions on blog and tag board.

i like gymnastics, ucla gymnastics, europe, and rachel.
IM IN A GOOD MOOD! and now-- to the showerrrrrrrrr
[bc i went to tae bo and straight to dinner]
[and i left my cards on the tray AGAIN :(]
BYE IM IN A GOOD MOOD!!!! :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

the magic skates begin to dance. oh, if only i had aver day a birthday.

my god what i would pay the man who sells imagination by the pound

so monica told me that intimacy, commitment, and passion are the three components of a healthy romantic relationship. we started thinking of some breakdowns...

intimacy + commitment = something you may share with a friend or family member..
commitment = something you may share with your family (like, if you're loyal to them but you guys don't really talk about things)
intimacy + passion= you're probably cheating on each other
commitment + passion = in it just for the sex but hey, at least you aren't cheating
intimacy = just a friend, probably
passion = some kind of infatuation.. haha that is not reciprocated. or: you and your partner are just using each other.

none of that is surprising, but it is interesting to see how many ways you can break it down.. and it seems so vital that the three components are all there and all work together.


man i have had absolutely no desire to write or create anything in so long. in fact, i don't even feel like i'm alive. i think i'm a zombie. god i am such a machine. wake up class eat class homework eat gym sleep- five days a week, followed by two days of nothing. i don't know about the rest of you but i HATE feeling like a machine. i don't even think i've FELT anything for the past few weeks. sadness happiness anger? surprise? maybe a little annoyance. i'm glad i haven't been really sad in a long time, but i haven't been really happy either. what is life without feeling? nothing- i am a wall or a brick or a rock or some really ugly stupid looking creature. perhaps a doofus. in fact, i am this empty waterbottle that is standing smugly on my desk. except even it is better than me because it has some purpose- and i of course am useless.

shoot the anxiety is kicking in. i mean, WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE? okay so hypothesis on why i don't enjoy parties and movies and talking on my cell phone. and drinking. they are all escapes and when i escape i feel like i'm cheating. like you know 'life is a game' and i'm taking an illegal timeout or something. i just feel like i should always be here.. always be aware that i am doing nothing productive and am working toward nothing. i don't deserve movies and fun and hanging out. pleasure is for people who work. who work hard. and that is definitely not me. i should always be here... at my desk.. being punished for my own misdirection, lack of direction. plus, what's the point of escape. momentary relief? when you come out of a funny movie you still have the same problems. when you come out of a sad movie about cancer or the holocaust or a tragic accident you still have your dumb meaningless problems to worry about. and you always forget about 'appreciating life' anyway. so what's the point?

i'm still thinking of you three hours ago; 180 minutes away: sleep well.

oh oh and to quote my ROLE MODEL, my dear lizzie bennett:

There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of either merit or sense.

weeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would absolutely put yesterday into the "wonderful day" category. absolutely.

to be honest, I sorta didn't feel up to going to WGI (Winterguard international Championships--the BIG competition) yesterday. But I'm so glad I went. I forgot how much fun WGI actually is. I loved being able to just hang out with awesome people and watch incredible shows. As I sat there, it hit my fully just how cool it was to be there and all the wicked stuff that goes on that I forgot about. I was reminded of a lovely boy named Josh from Northern Lights. what a lover. I was getting chills/hot flashes during their show....Lovered him last year and yes, he really is that wonderful.

AND GUARD BOYS ARE NOT ALL GAY. thank you.

anyway, the best part about WGI was something I also forgot about. WGI isn't about the performance--its about the afterparty!! haha just kidding. sorta. well after the whole thing is over, theres a "retreat" where everyone just mingles with everyone else on the floor. people trade costumes, take pictures, get autographs, give out memorbilia etc. So much fun!! And so on my way to meeting josh, I got so nervous--it was like meeting a celebrity. I guess in a way it was :D I got wings from RB, bumper stickers from the Logan boys, more confetti to add to my collection, and multiple hugs from josh.

the one question that kept running through my head was: where is the gay josh from pride????

If you care, here are some pics of the event