It's now past 2 in the morning and I'm still up because I've had a panic attack. what am I doing with my life? someone please tell me. A large portion of my life was more or less pretty planned out. And now I feel like I'm quickly coming to the end of a what? rope? road? School is safe. I like school. I think I shall endevour to remain in it (and consequently out of the real world) for as long as I can. The only thing is, after I graduate from State, I have no where to run. I've become incredibly unlucky in the sense that my major leads me to a dead end. A master/doctorate in humanites pretty much doesnt exist. actually, it doesnt exist. And now I've become unlucky enough to NOT to have learned Greek so graduate school for Classics seems unlikely. How interesting that I should now find myself homeless because I shall known Latin and not Greek. I suppose I could run away with comparative literature, although I feel like my latin will just have gone to waste. I could have more direction if I could only figure out what I will DO with my life after all this schooling is over. I suppose its all leading me to teaching. And if thats the case, then I need to find something, anything really, for grad school. Whats worse, I have no idea where I want to go. I cant stay in san diego and yet I dont want to go anywhere else. Maybe I should skip grad school altogether and just run away to europe. not THAT sounds like a plan:)

I've been very reluctant to post since my return. The reason why isn't a complex one; I just don't want to come back to reality. My trip was amazing and with each day I feel my impressions fading. My memories are being overpowered by the monotony that I'm struggling to evade: (wasting time online), work, and eventually school. "Time" itself is a powerful force as well. With each day I feel the family members I grew close to and the languages I improved in move further and further away from me.

I can feel the images of the lazy Russian countryside, busy Moscow boulevards, and Parisian shop facades being replaced by pink stucco and red tile. Subway cars and "trolleybuses" make way for sedans and SUVs. Fifty cent soft Ukrainskiy loaves turn into Wonderbread, from fresh to processed and preserved. It's true that I'm only recording the good from one, the bad from the other, but unfortunately I wasn't gone long enough to get homesick.

I was gone only long enough to love everything and everyone that I knew there and now I feel.. how do I feel? I kind of feel like my veins are cut, like in a Frida Khalo painting. I feel like someone displaced my heart. I kind of feel incomplete, but in no generic, corny, overused sense. Incomplete in the most honest, bittersweet sense. I gained something and I lost it, or at least some of it, or at least for some time.

I'm selfish; I have nothing legitimate to complain about. But in this moment, and for the past several days, I have been immobilized by nostalgia. With all of my eleven-hundred pictures wiped out from my harddrive, I feel like I'm holding on to fireplace ashes-- e-mails to relatives and new friends, journal entries I made for every day of my trip, and the copy of Master and Margherita that I am rapidly devouring...

I pulled out the very last peach snapple from the fridge (I usually dont like flavored iced tea but thats beside the point) and you know how snapple has those random "true facts" under the caps? Well, I'm chugging down my tea (very thirsty) and trying to read the cap upside down, when I realize that I actually won some lip balm! A-maze-zing, because you never really "win instantly" with the "win instantly" promotional contests. but whatever, I've never won anything in my life so I'm going to go like frame the cap or something. I dont much care for the $4 lip balm that will probably end up making my lips more chapped than they were to begin with (I have super sensitive/dry skin). I looked at the official rules and the odds of winning the lip balm are 1 in 64. Not bad odds at all. Therefore, it effectively lessens the wonderfulness of my winning, but I will simply choose to ignore it. I am, for once, a WeINNER.

on a more serious note, I had one of those moments--right in the middle of my english class--where you get the realization of being alive and having a life. Im sure theres a word to describe the experience that I am trying to explain (poorly). But if you've ever had your aliveness smack you in the face, you know what I'm talking about because its not something that happens everday of the week. When it happens, I always question if this is really my life...with real memories and people and ideas and experiences. Its really quite disturbing.

Also, I was left sorta disappointed with my English class because we're focusing more on poetry than anything else. No Jane Austen, not to mention, Mr. Darcy, in sight. I was feeling quite dejected. And looking at the reading schedule I started having doubts as to whether I really had a)time and b)interest enough to actually commit to the class. I was seriously thinking about dropping, but then the consequences would seriously damage my 'master plan' (taking over the world, of course). Then my professor started going on and on and by the end of it, I was feeling quite happy with my decision to stick with the class. But I tell you, english majors are scary. Overall, that 3 hour time period was quite productive in my mind activity.

Although, I'm still not perfectly convinced that I've haven't just now royally screwed myself over with the amount of work I'll have to deal with this semester. It's quite daunting. I'm glad I'm not socially bound to anything or anyone, and that I'm taking time off work. Here's to breaking backs and busting arse for the next 15ish weeks!