i hope that someone gets my message in a bottle
what the hell? technology is so evil... it is soooo ruining the world. AND I DONT GET IMs. i know that's not just a technological problem... it's seriously a sign. a sign that i spend way too much time talking to people online. its SUCH a waste of time and life because most of the time i'm not even talking about anything. think about all of your Im convos... phone convos... how much of the time are we really even talking? technology devalues conversations. swallows time that could be used for reading and learning and discovering things. i hate technology for manipulating me and eating away at me like a deadly bacteria. so many minutes, hours, days wasted. relationships ruined. all those goddam advertisements a bomabrdment of naked bodies and dirty words and trashy news stories. and all those tricks... click close and 5 new windows appear. WHAT THE HELL. it's not right that we've learned to close the boxes and close our mouths. we shouldn't have to deal with it. internet isn't even worth it. i'd rather build myself a cabin and live at walden pond with a good book.
so it looks like i'm alone all the time. am i leaving everyone or is everyone leaving me? it's not so much a bad thing, just a different thing. walk alone to class... sit alone in class.. walk back alone.. eat alone. sit alone on friday night (haha). oh i was just thinking: man i am pathetic it is friday night and here i am listening to Jewel and stuffing my face with Chex Mix (but only the rye chips). and then i realized-- why the hell do we think it is "uncool" to be by ourselves? why is it "cool" and "normal" to dress up on fridays and get drunk and everything. i mean, sure that is an option, but it isn't necessarily for everyone. and if that isn't for you then that's fine. people don't look back on history's geniuses-- the inovative ones who dared to mix new colors and blend instruments- and think: wow what a loser they read books instead of smoking weed. actually, a lot of the great writers did smoke weed.. but that is definitely beside the point. you do learn a lot by interacting with other people. but sometimes you learn more by being alone (i was gonna write "by interacting with yourself" for symmetrical purposes but that phrase just doesn't sound right).
i love ucla but is it bad that i already miss san diego?
is it worse to be replaced or forgotten? or are they the same?
INTERNET TV AND PHONE SUCK
i like sweating through my shirt
it turns out my scale from home was always ten lbs off.. the bad way
you were meant for me, and i was meant for you
happy birthday tomorrow, barb.
Friday, April 09, 2004
let's hear it for the boy
college life agrees with me. lots of alone time... my own schedule... NO RESPONSIBILITIES (i realize this is very temporary).
for all the complaining and depressing i do let me just say that i REALLY appreciate this time. i may not be taking full advantage of it but i do realize how lucky i am and how temporary this lifestyle is.
i also just realized that i'm going to need to work because i will have to buy contacts. there goes the starving artist or writer or bum idea. i think i was meant to be homeless, though. i'm really good at being lazy and doing nothing all day. i'm pretty low maintenance too, i'd say.
highlight of my day (and it's only 1230!): toasted sesame dressing.
off to stats, baby
college life agrees with me. lots of alone time... my own schedule... NO RESPONSIBILITIES (i realize this is very temporary).
for all the complaining and depressing i do let me just say that i REALLY appreciate this time. i may not be taking full advantage of it but i do realize how lucky i am and how temporary this lifestyle is.
i also just realized that i'm going to need to work because i will have to buy contacts. there goes the starving artist or writer or bum idea. i think i was meant to be homeless, though. i'm really good at being lazy and doing nothing all day. i'm pretty low maintenance too, i'd say.
highlight of my day (and it's only 1230!): toasted sesame dressing.
off to stats, baby
Thursday, April 08, 2004
today i saw a dead baby bird that had fallen out from its nest. my friend mike accidentally ran over his cat. i almost ran over my neighbors dog. not a very good day for los animales.
hey guess what--I'm going to WGI Championships!! although my ticket sucks and i'm going by myself, I plan to employ all those skills learned from sneaking around nsync concerts :D
im glad sonya is learning in college. too bad for that fire drill though :(
sandlot was on fox family--abc family--whatever. i only saw the ending of it, but it was enough...so great! i must admit that a lot of the lines have left my memory, and i cant recite the sandlot like i did in the past.
what took you guys so long? ah, squints was buring the dish. shut up i was not. yeah yeah you were! ohh wendy peffercorn, my darling lovergirl oh! i said shut up! i've got a lot of things on my mind. this pop aint working benny, i'm baking like a toasted cheeser (?) its so hot here! yeah... vote then, whoever wants to be a cant hack it pantywaist, who wears their mommas bra, raise your hand. fine fine fine! be like that. so what do you want to do? uhhh....pool hunnies!!
Benny would have played ball all day, all night, rain, shine, tidlewave whatever. but of all the things we ever did besides baseball going to the pool was what he tolerated best (?) it wasnt really pool hunnies like we said because if anyone one of them had come up to anyone of us we would've just peed in our pants.
it was weird that Benny had said that babe ruth was like the hercules of baseball. and the beasts name ended up being hercules. we couldnt figure out what that meant, but we were all amazed by it. i kept in touch with those guys over the years and it turns out that yeah yeahs parents shipped him off to military school. after the army he became one of the pioneer developers of bungee jumping, of course we all know why. Bertram, well, Bertram got really into the 60s and no one ever saw him again. Timmy and Tommy became a contractor and an architect. they started out small designing playground equpiment and prefabricated tree houses. they made it big when they invented mini malls. squints grew up and married wendy peffercorn. they have 9 kids. they bought vincents drugstore and still own it to this day. ham moved on and became a professional wrestler. you know him as the great hambino. denunez played triple a, but never made it to the majors. he owns his own company now and teaches a little league team that his sons play on, called the heaters. i was the last one to move away. but when i did, the sandlot was still there. after benny had pickled the beast, his reputation spread all around town. he became known as benny "the jet" rodriguez. and the nickname stuck with him for life.
well that was fun for me! how was it for you?
hey guess what--I'm going to WGI Championships!! although my ticket sucks and i'm going by myself, I plan to employ all those skills learned from sneaking around nsync concerts :D
im glad sonya is learning in college. too bad for that fire drill though :(
sandlot was on fox family--abc family--whatever. i only saw the ending of it, but it was enough...so great! i must admit that a lot of the lines have left my memory, and i cant recite the sandlot like i did in the past.
what took you guys so long? ah, squints was buring the dish. shut up i was not. yeah yeah you were! ohh wendy peffercorn, my darling lovergirl oh! i said shut up! i've got a lot of things on my mind. this pop aint working benny, i'm baking like a toasted cheeser (?) its so hot here! yeah... vote then, whoever wants to be a cant hack it pantywaist, who wears their mommas bra, raise your hand. fine fine fine! be like that. so what do you want to do? uhhh....pool hunnies!!
Benny would have played ball all day, all night, rain, shine, tidlewave whatever. but of all the things we ever did besides baseball going to the pool was what he tolerated best (?) it wasnt really pool hunnies like we said because if anyone one of them had come up to anyone of us we would've just peed in our pants.
it was weird that Benny had said that babe ruth was like the hercules of baseball. and the beasts name ended up being hercules. we couldnt figure out what that meant, but we were all amazed by it. i kept in touch with those guys over the years and it turns out that yeah yeahs parents shipped him off to military school. after the army he became one of the pioneer developers of bungee jumping, of course we all know why. Bertram, well, Bertram got really into the 60s and no one ever saw him again. Timmy and Tommy became a contractor and an architect. they started out small designing playground equpiment and prefabricated tree houses. they made it big when they invented mini malls. squints grew up and married wendy peffercorn. they have 9 kids. they bought vincents drugstore and still own it to this day. ham moved on and became a professional wrestler. you know him as the great hambino. denunez played triple a, but never made it to the majors. he owns his own company now and teaches a little league team that his sons play on, called the heaters. i was the last one to move away. but when i did, the sandlot was still there. after benny had pickled the beast, his reputation spread all around town. he became known as benny "the jet" rodriguez. and the nickname stuck with him for life.
well that was fun for me! how was it for you?
and they just turn- smile- shift- repeat...
i love intro to lit. my hand trembled with excitement as i wrote down points we made while analyzing a story called "War". a really good story. i learned so much more in 1 hr lecture and 50 min disc than i did all last quarter in comm. literature is So good.
and i love the idea of concentrating really hard and transporting your mind- heart- whatever, into someone else's. RB wrote the idea down and i read it in a story and i can't seem to get it out of my head. if only that could happen... if only someone could feel you thinking of them. and you could flow into their mind and whisper things to them. awesome.
zombies, arms stretched out stifly, mouths halfway open corners caked with dried crackled saliva. awoken from the dead.. out of their graves and single file down the stairs. a lone bird shrieks cries of solitude and they penetrate through the decaying ears of the zombies causing their bony skeletal fingers to scoop the crust out of their eyeballs. grumbling breathing hot musty breath like green steam excreting in puffs and swirls. NASTYYYYY.
i'm really learning! so this is college!
i love intro to lit. my hand trembled with excitement as i wrote down points we made while analyzing a story called "War". a really good story. i learned so much more in 1 hr lecture and 50 min disc than i did all last quarter in comm. literature is So good.
and i love the idea of concentrating really hard and transporting your mind- heart- whatever, into someone else's. RB wrote the idea down and i read it in a story and i can't seem to get it out of my head. if only that could happen... if only someone could feel you thinking of them. and you could flow into their mind and whisper things to them. awesome.
zombies, arms stretched out stifly, mouths halfway open corners caked with dried crackled saliva. awoken from the dead.. out of their graves and single file down the stairs. a lone bird shrieks cries of solitude and they penetrate through the decaying ears of the zombies causing their bony skeletal fingers to scoop the crust out of their eyeballs. grumbling breathing hot musty breath like green steam excreting in puffs and swirls. NASTYYYYY.
i'm really learning! so this is college!
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
this is sorta pathetic but i dont care because today i'm just a little bit more insane than usual. i miss guard. the costume and make-up, the overwhelming sense of FEAR before every performance, and of course, spinning. i dont really know why im so caught up in it, but i think it may have something to do with me wanting to quit on my own terms? maybe. right now, in this moment, i am missing it something fierce.
i guess i will have to settle for making paper fortune tellers:(
i guess i will have to settle for making paper fortune tellers:(
don't have much inspiration to write. past few days have been pretty good.... new classes..
seminar: 3 hrs on changing conceptions of rights- warren court and beyond. basically read a lot of court cases, debate a lot with loud outgoing people, enjoy articulate t.a.
ling: crazy haired teacher with german accent... heard will be boring, but not bad so far.
stats: my teacher seems nice and it seems easy.. i enjoy that lectures are only 50 min long, even tho they are 3x a week.
lit: write an essay every week. reading some good lit tho... should be good :)
yesterday was a weird day. went to ling. went to eng... cancelled. went to stats... cancelled. did phonebanking for oceana save the oceans and talked to lots of rude people on the phone. went to gymnastics for 2 hours, which was great. didn't eat dinner. nor lunch day before. don't feel like eating (odd).
today is a beautiful day. only one 50min stats lecture, which is over now. lunch was good. prob will go to tae-bo at 630 which i find very rigorous. everything is calm here... here in my room. but on campus, millions of people. tours all over the place. bands playing and people talking and it's just kind of overwhelming. i find myself feeling much like michelle did right before she fell on her face. except milder. i dont think my knees are going to buckle or anything. oh, poor poppet.
wish i could go to ucla and still have torrey pines at my fingertips. but it is a bus ride, $1.25, a train ride, $20 one way, 4 hours total time sitting, $21.25 that i don't have, away from me. what i would give to the creator of a place-machine that could transport me, with the press of a button, to the crashing of the waves against the rocks, the strength of the water that pulls my limbs, the salt-scented sun baked breeze that rustles my hair GAH that doesn't exist here. venice, santa monica don't compare.
people suck. life isn't fair.
and the ocean makes it all okay.
what is left in the world that is pure? nature. (some) art. (some) literature. (some) music. the promise of children, not yet corrupted. children and adults with imaginations and good hearts. and people who are aware of the "Truth" that i think can be found in Salinger, Bradbury, Cezanne, Chopin. does it even make sense to pursue anything else? does it even make sense to spend time at a desk blindfolded punching numbers.
SERIOUSLY- WHEN WILL WE TURN OFF OUR CELL PHONES? SHUT OUR LAPTOPS. TURN OFF OUR MUSIC. AND LISTEN? NOT THE THE BLABBERING ON THE OTHER END OF THE CABLE OR THE BASS THAT VIBRATES THE ROOM OR THE CHIME OF A MESSAGE FROM OUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR. BUT TO SOMETHING WAY MORE REAL AND IMPORTANT THAT WE'VE BEEN CONDITIONED TO SHUT OUT. THAT IS SOO EASY TO SHUT OUT. i don't think it will ever happen.
yes, i am pretentious, conceited, insecure, and should never write.
seminar: 3 hrs on changing conceptions of rights- warren court and beyond. basically read a lot of court cases, debate a lot with loud outgoing people, enjoy articulate t.a.
ling: crazy haired teacher with german accent... heard will be boring, but not bad so far.
stats: my teacher seems nice and it seems easy.. i enjoy that lectures are only 50 min long, even tho they are 3x a week.
lit: write an essay every week. reading some good lit tho... should be good :)
yesterday was a weird day. went to ling. went to eng... cancelled. went to stats... cancelled. did phonebanking for oceana save the oceans and talked to lots of rude people on the phone. went to gymnastics for 2 hours, which was great. didn't eat dinner. nor lunch day before. don't feel like eating (odd).
today is a beautiful day. only one 50min stats lecture, which is over now. lunch was good. prob will go to tae-bo at 630 which i find very rigorous. everything is calm here... here in my room. but on campus, millions of people. tours all over the place. bands playing and people talking and it's just kind of overwhelming. i find myself feeling much like michelle did right before she fell on her face. except milder. i dont think my knees are going to buckle or anything. oh, poor poppet.
wish i could go to ucla and still have torrey pines at my fingertips. but it is a bus ride, $1.25, a train ride, $20 one way, 4 hours total time sitting, $21.25 that i don't have, away from me. what i would give to the creator of a place-machine that could transport me, with the press of a button, to the crashing of the waves against the rocks, the strength of the water that pulls my limbs, the salt-scented sun baked breeze that rustles my hair GAH that doesn't exist here. venice, santa monica don't compare.
people suck. life isn't fair.
and the ocean makes it all okay.
what is left in the world that is pure? nature. (some) art. (some) literature. (some) music. the promise of children, not yet corrupted. children and adults with imaginations and good hearts. and people who are aware of the "Truth" that i think can be found in Salinger, Bradbury, Cezanne, Chopin. does it even make sense to pursue anything else? does it even make sense to spend time at a desk blindfolded punching numbers.
SERIOUSLY- WHEN WILL WE TURN OFF OUR CELL PHONES? SHUT OUR LAPTOPS. TURN OFF OUR MUSIC. AND LISTEN? NOT THE THE BLABBERING ON THE OTHER END OF THE CABLE OR THE BASS THAT VIBRATES THE ROOM OR THE CHIME OF A MESSAGE FROM OUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR. BUT TO SOMETHING WAY MORE REAL AND IMPORTANT THAT WE'VE BEEN CONDITIONED TO SHUT OUT. THAT IS SOO EASY TO SHUT OUT. i don't think it will ever happen.
yes, i am pretentious, conceited, insecure, and should never write.
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
today was fun!!!
1. rude awakening @ 6 am to go to school with my sister, although my first class isnt until 11
2. breathing very deeply while sleeping in love library
3. going to my dreaded rws class and realizing i was correct in assuming that i'm the genuis of the class
4. eating nasty pesto pasta (thanks sadaf)
5. office hours for my rws class and i was in a very tiny space with the t.a. who kept making me keep eye contact. bastard.
6. sitting under a vent and freezing to death in the computer lab
7. trying to defrost from the library out in the sun, i was attacked by a man demanding i sign about 5 different petitions
8. sitting in my cinema class and not feeling very well. i dont want to leave though because im in the very center of the row...but my fear of vomiting on myself wins out and i stumble out of the row. my vision starts going bad as it comes and goes, my cordination is gone as i hold on to the hand rail for dear life. i pass my instructor and spill out of the class room only to have my knees buckle and i go crashing into the ground--face first--and my vision leaves me. the weirdest part was that i didnt feel any pain...only i felt my knees make contact with the ground, and that was it. i dont think i was out for too long, and when i came to, i made myself get up bc i didnt want anyone to find me face down on the ground. the next part was of course, the vomiting, which is always good times.
9. i passed this wall that always has signs on it--like asb signs--and i found myself actually moving closer to the wall to comfort myself in the familar smell of inks. BREATHE in deeply.
1. rude awakening @ 6 am to go to school with my sister, although my first class isnt until 11
2. breathing very deeply while sleeping in love library
3. going to my dreaded rws class and realizing i was correct in assuming that i'm the genuis of the class
4. eating nasty pesto pasta (thanks sadaf)
5. office hours for my rws class and i was in a very tiny space with the t.a. who kept making me keep eye contact. bastard.
6. sitting under a vent and freezing to death in the computer lab
7. trying to defrost from the library out in the sun, i was attacked by a man demanding i sign about 5 different petitions
8. sitting in my cinema class and not feeling very well. i dont want to leave though because im in the very center of the row...but my fear of vomiting on myself wins out and i stumble out of the row. my vision starts going bad as it comes and goes, my cordination is gone as i hold on to the hand rail for dear life. i pass my instructor and spill out of the class room only to have my knees buckle and i go crashing into the ground--face first--and my vision leaves me. the weirdest part was that i didnt feel any pain...only i felt my knees make contact with the ground, and that was it. i dont think i was out for too long, and when i came to, i made myself get up bc i didnt want anyone to find me face down on the ground. the next part was of course, the vomiting, which is always good times.
9. i passed this wall that always has signs on it--like asb signs--and i found myself actually moving closer to the wall to comfort myself in the familar smell of inks. BREATHE in deeply.
Sunday, April 04, 2004
last night while i was driving, i became a victim to an ambush from a bunch of losers with eggs. yes, EGGS. this morning my car smelled something horrible, i honestly would have puked if i could.
and i found out that all hopes of marrying prince william were in vain (not that there was EVEn a chance). But i tell you, he should lover a girl that's catholic just to bring a little excitement--and a terribly romantic story--to the british throne. it would be the story of a lifetime because you cant make stuff like that up :)
i do love my iced tea. unsweeted, thank you.
and i found out that all hopes of marrying prince william were in vain (not that there was EVEn a chance). But i tell you, he should lover a girl that's catholic just to bring a little excitement--and a terribly romantic story--to the british throne. it would be the story of a lifetime because you cant make stuff like that up :)
i do love my iced tea. unsweeted, thank you.
ahh that wonderful feeling of relief !!
so another quarter is bottled up, sealed, and ready to be stored away. because it is over and because in a few days i will forget everything i learned. oh wasted hours and dollars.. wasting stressing listening worrying studying and highlighting. oh well. the quarter kind of sucked. comm sucked. spanish.... yeah, sucked. i'll miss history though. and i am so scared for my strict-ta debate-based 3-hours-every-monday-morning seminar. but i will learn! and-- ling and stats will probably be neutral. yeah right, im not neutral about anything. but english better be good since it doesnt count.
so i was in the shower and i started thinking of working for a museum as a job.... i dont mean being a person that stands there and says DONT TOUCH. but something important.... some art director or comm person or person-in-charge-of-everything. it would be cool bc (a) there may be money in high level positions, (b) i love art, (c) it will be a good cause because i think art is dying, (d) i'll get to use various "comm" skills..bleh. btw those werent in any order of importance. i promise i dont love money that much. i dunno, maybe i should get an art history minor? but then i'll have to learn ancient asian and african art and i don't care for it much. but i love the rest so much. okay i dont know.. i'm just trying to turn my interests and hobbies into possible careers because i'm realizing that is all i have.
ahh this is SO badly written. oh well, its just random thoughts and it is 130 but 230 (spring forward). and tomorrow im going back to school... back to school... back to school again. time to make changes. a brand new shiny quarter equals a new start... three new starts a year, that's nice. be nice. work hard. lose weight. move on. oh yes, it is going to be a good quarter.
so another quarter is bottled up, sealed, and ready to be stored away. because it is over and because in a few days i will forget everything i learned. oh wasted hours and dollars.. wasting stressing listening worrying studying and highlighting. oh well. the quarter kind of sucked. comm sucked. spanish.... yeah, sucked. i'll miss history though. and i am so scared for my strict-ta debate-based 3-hours-every-monday-morning seminar. but i will learn! and-- ling and stats will probably be neutral. yeah right, im not neutral about anything. but english better be good since it doesnt count.
so i was in the shower and i started thinking of working for a museum as a job.... i dont mean being a person that stands there and says DONT TOUCH. but something important.... some art director or comm person or person-in-charge-of-everything. it would be cool bc (a) there may be money in high level positions, (b) i love art, (c) it will be a good cause because i think art is dying, (d) i'll get to use various "comm" skills..bleh. btw those werent in any order of importance. i promise i dont love money that much. i dunno, maybe i should get an art history minor? but then i'll have to learn ancient asian and african art and i don't care for it much. but i love the rest so much. okay i dont know.. i'm just trying to turn my interests and hobbies into possible careers because i'm realizing that is all i have.
ahh this is SO badly written. oh well, its just random thoughts and it is 130 but 230 (spring forward). and tomorrow im going back to school... back to school... back to school again. time to make changes. a brand new shiny quarter equals a new start... three new starts a year, that's nice. be nice. work hard. lose weight. move on. oh yes, it is going to be a good quarter.
